A bit of help with some wording?

[ChloeTzang]

Sometimes you just gotta use a song for a story. So I have this sci-fi novel I am writing set three hundred years in the future with the Chinese Hegemony as the world superpower - and a youth organization called the Shàoxiānduì (Red Pioneers) which I have loosely modeled on the Red Guards. So I took the "Battle Song of the Red Guards" and tweaked the words a bit.

Anyone have the time or inclination to make any suggestions as to better wording / lyrics for the song. Being the writing wonks you all are I thought I'd get more intelligent responses here. LOL. Anyhow, if you do have the time I'd really appreciate it.

Here's the original....

And here's the lyrics I came up with.....

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
Ensuring correct thought in the People’s hearts
With the Party’s doctrine we arm ourselves
Sweeping away all who resist

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
We fight always for The Hegemony
Following the will of the Party
We take up the tasks of our time

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
Vanguard of the workers revolution
Uniting the masses, together we fight
Eradicating all enemies of the people

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red

Just to give it some context, the Hegemony is more than a little dystopian.....and the Shàoxiānduì are a high school youth organization and are the only path to Party membership....

"The Party expected the Shàoxiānduì to deal with problems. We all knew that, and we all knew we were expected to act responsibly, always keeping in mind the needs and the expectations of The Party, as well as the good of The People. We didn’t deal with the sort of problems the Police or Security or the Morality Directorate dealt with. They dealt with the serious problems.

No, the Shàoxiānduì were expected to study and know all the Party guidelines inside out, understand and interpret the Party line, and ensure social conformity and adherence to the norms of expected behavior and correct thinking. With our fellow students and teachers. Amongst the neighbors and in our home tunnels, with the workers and inside our own families.

Inside the Shàoxiānduì most of all."

And t give some context for the song in the story......

“As per People’s Court regulations for cases where a death sentence has been passed, I request any here in attendance who wish to question the judicial judgement and sentence to raise their hand. Any such objection will result in the case being escalated immediately to the Level Seven District Court and a Party Lawyer and Party Judge being summoned to attend the People’s Court in person,” I said.

That was protocol as well, and also documented in the regulations.

Artemis slapped her leg rhythmically with her shock stick and began to sing. Within seconds, the Duty Squad, and then all the Shàoxiānduì, had joined her. Amanda Chan was Shàoxiānduì, she was one of us, and we looked after our own.

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
Ensuring correct thought in the People’s hearts
With the Party’s doctrine we arm ourselves
Sweeping away all who resist

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red
.......
Absolute silence followed, broken by whimpers from the convicted criminal deviants.

“No questions regarding the judgement and the verdict have been raised,” I said after a long pause, looking around to make sure I hadn’t missed anyone, but it did seem that everyone understood, which was just as well for them.

“Security Robot. Carry out the Peoples Court verdict,” I instructed.

 

[alohadave]

Do not question! Do not deviate!
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
The Party is our mission
The Hegemony is ever Red

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Fascinating stuff, but way outside my skill set.

 

[dirk2024]

Anyone have the time or inclination to make any suggestions as to better wording / lyrics for the song. Being the writing wonks you all are I thought I'd get more intelligent responses here. LOL. Anyhow, if you do have the time I'd really appreciate it.

 

[Cacatua_Galerita]

I’m not worthy either… but that won’t stop me from commenting.

I can’t fit your words to the tune in the video, so I’m guessing that isn’t the intent (the video is linked a stylistic example, not the musical tune).

I love it… but for consideration:

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you. ...crush you?
Our mission is to obey the Party Our oath/pledge/vow...
Making the Hegemony ever Red

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
We fight always for The Hegemony
Following the will of the Party
We take up the tasks of our time ‘task’ (singular)? i.e. ‘follow the will of the party’

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
Vanguard of the workers revolution “worker’s” (possessive apostrophe)
Uniting the masses, together we fight
Eradicating all enemies of the people

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red


Regarding “smash you”; the lyrics “crush you” is a more definitive outcome. However, “smash you” has the delightful taste of a slightly-off translation that Westerner’s expect. From what perspective is the reader’s viewpoint? Is this story meant to be read as a translation? Or is the reader supposed to be a native speaker of the character’s language?

I thought about capitalizing some terms like “the Will of the Party”, as some might do for spiritual terms in religious text. But after some quick research – don’t do that. It’s a never ending spiral trying to capitalize anything ‘divine’.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

Wow! I am super-impressed!

I have tried stuff like that myself but never for a literotica story and never that well. For a completely unrelated project I tried to write something like the Tao Te Ching that wasn't the Tao Te Ching or any other recognizable historical text from any particular historical tradition, and it was damned hard.

Unless you really want them to be intentionally threatening the audience of their song, I might consider trying to find something a bit more ambiguous than "Dare to question? Dare to deviate? / The Shàoxiānduì will smash you."

Lines like "Ensuring correct thought in the People’s hearts" and "Vanguard of the workers revolution / Uniting the masses, together we fight / Eradicating all enemies of the people" are implicitly threatening to anyone who might have doubts but understandable from the singers' POV.

So if you want to stamp a smiley face on the iron heels of their boots, you might change it to something like (neglecting the poetic elements for now) "The Shàoxiānduì will smash all who question, all who deviate."

But IDK your intention so the way you have it might be better in the full context of the story.