A bit of help with some wording?

[ChloeTzang]

Sometimes you just gotta use a song for a story. So I have this sci-fi novel I am writing set three hundred years in the future with the Chinese Hegemony as the world superpower - and a youth organization called the Shàoxiānduì (Red Pioneers) which I have loosely modeled on the Red Guards. So I took the "Battle Song of the Red Guards" and tweaked the words a bit.

Anyone have the time or inclination to make any suggestions as to better wording / lyrics for the song. Being the writing wonks you all are I thought I'd get more intelligent responses here. LOL. Anyhow, if you do have the time I'd really appreciate it.

Here's the original....

And here's the lyrics I came up with.....

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
Ensuring correct thought in the People’s hearts
With the Party’s doctrine we arm ourselves
Sweeping away all who resist

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
We fight always for The Hegemony
Following the will of the Party
We take up the tasks of our time

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
Vanguard of the workers revolution
Uniting the masses, together we fight
Eradicating all enemies of the people

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red

Just to give it some context, the Hegemony is more than a little dystopian.....and the Shàoxiānduì are a high school youth organization and are the only path to Party membership....

"The Party expected the Shàoxiānduì to deal with problems. We all knew that, and we all knew we were expected to act responsibly, always keeping in mind the needs and the expectations of The Party, as well as the good of The People. We didn’t deal with the sort of problems the Police or Security or the Morality Directorate dealt with. They dealt with the serious problems.

No, the Shàoxiānduì were expected to study and know all the Party guidelines inside out, understand and interpret the Party line, and ensure social conformity and adherence to the norms of expected behavior and correct thinking. With our fellow students and teachers. Amongst the neighbors and in our home tunnels, with the workers and inside our own families.

Inside the Shàoxiānduì most of all."

And t give some context for the song in the story......

“As per People’s Court regulations for cases where a death sentence has been passed, I request any here in attendance who wish to question the judicial judgement and sentence to raise their hand. Any such objection will result in the case being escalated immediately to the Level Seven District Court and a Party Lawyer and Party Judge being summoned to attend the People’s Court in person,” I said.

That was protocol as well, and also documented in the regulations.

Artemis slapped her leg rhythmically with her shock stick and began to sing. Within seconds, the Duty Squad, and then all the Shàoxiānduì, had joined her. Amanda Chan was Shàoxiānduì, she was one of us, and we looked after our own.

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
Ensuring correct thought in the People’s hearts
With the Party’s doctrine we arm ourselves
Sweeping away all who resist

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red
.......
Absolute silence followed, broken by whimpers from the convicted criminal deviants.

“No questions regarding the judgement and the verdict have been raised,” I said after a long pause, looking around to make sure I hadn’t missed anyone, but it did seem that everyone understood, which was just as well for them.

“Security Robot. Carry out the Peoples Court verdict,” I instructed.

 

[alohadave]

Do not question! Do not deviate!
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
The Party is our mission
The Hegemony is ever Red

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Fascinating stuff, but way outside my skill set.

 

[dirk2024]

Anyone have the time or inclination to make any suggestions as to better wording / lyrics for the song. Being the writing wonks you all are I thought I'd get more intelligent responses here. LOL. Anyhow, if you do have the time I'd really appreciate it.

 

[Cacatua_Galerita]

I’m not worthy either… but that won’t stop me from commenting.

I can’t fit your words to the tune in the video, so I’m guessing that isn’t the intent (the video is linked a stylistic example, not the musical tune).

I love it… but for consideration:

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you. ...crush you?
Our mission is to obey the Party Our oath/pledge/vow...
Making the Hegemony ever Red

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
We fight always for The Hegemony
Following the will of the Party
We take up the tasks of our time ‘task’ (singular)? i.e. ‘follow the will of the party’

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
Vanguard of the workers revolution “worker’s” (possessive apostrophe)
Uniting the masses, together we fight
Eradicating all enemies of the people

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our mission is to obey the Party
Making the Hegemony ever Red


Regarding “smash you”; the lyrics “crush you” is a more definitive outcome. However, “smash you” has the delightful taste of a slightly-off translation that Westerner’s expect. From what perspective is the reader’s viewpoint? Is this story meant to be read as a translation? Or is the reader supposed to be a native speaker of the character’s language?

I thought about capitalizing some terms like “the Will of the Party”, as some might do for spiritual terms in religious text. But after some quick research – don’t do that. It’s a never ending spiral trying to capitalize anything ‘divine’.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

Wow! I am super-impressed!

I have tried stuff like that myself but never for a literotica story and never that well. For a completely unrelated project I tried to write something like the Tao Te Ching that wasn't the Tao Te Ching or any other recognizable historical text from any particular historical tradition, and it was damned hard.

Unless you really want them to be intentionally threatening the audience of their song, I might consider trying to find something a bit more ambiguous than "Dare to question? Dare to deviate? / The Shàoxiānduì will smash you."

Lines like "Ensuring correct thought in the People’s hearts" and "Vanguard of the workers revolution / Uniting the masses, together we fight / Eradicating all enemies of the people" are implicitly threatening to anyone who might have doubts but understandable from the singers' POV.

So if you want to stamp a smiley face on the iron heels of their boots, you might change it to something like (neglecting the poetic elements for now) "The Shàoxiānduì will smash all who question, all who deviate."

But IDK your intention so the way you have it might be better in the full context of the story.

 

[Jorunn]

Making the Hegemony ever Red

Perhaps historically they Make, but if firmly established it would be ‘Keeping’ - implying a type of guardianship.

Also in an earlier line it is The Hegemony. Here it is the Hegemony. ‘The’ versus ‘the’

 

[ChloeTzang]

Thanks all - really useful - see, I knew this was a good place to ask

Couple of comments - I'm trying to stay close to the original wording wherever possible, so the "Dare to question? Dare to deviate?" fits in with that
Yes, always "The Hegemony",
"Keep" rather than "make" was a good one, but I've changed it to "Ensure The Hegemony is ever Red"

Re the tune - it works in Chinese, but not when you try the english words to the chinese tune, so think of it more as an example, = the tune won't be in the story anyhow - a lot of Chinese songs don't translate too well into English - you can do a translation but it's really hard to get the english lyrics to fit the tune - I've done it with a few cantopop songs and you have to get really creative with the transliteration sometimes to do that and keep the tune - in this case it's not important to the story so I didn't bother to even try - the important thing for this is the wording and meaning and intent - and if you think of the Shàoxiānduì as very similar to the Red Guards - indoctrinated from youth, fanatical, and where the Glorious Chairman is almost a religious figure, you got it.

The Shàoxiānduì is the only avenue thru which you can become a Party Member, and all the best jobs, university places, etc are reserved for Party members only, so the Shàoxiānduì members have a real interest in doing whatver it is the Party wants, and one of their roles, as well as Thought Control (because the Shàoxiānduì are everywhere), is enforcing public security and running Peoples Courts as well as "Spontaneous Struggle Sessions."

*******************
“Respect to the Flag,” Shàoxiānduì Battalion Commander Xiang led us as we all bowed three times to the flag of the Chinese Hegemony, hanging on the wall in front of us, after we’d all finished singing “March of the Volunteers.”

“Respect to the Glorious Chairman.” We all bowed another three times to the portrait of the Glorious Chairman on the gleaming wooden altar beneath the flag, incense sticks glowing redly to either side and a perfect little bowl of pink blossoms before it.

The wooden altar was made from actual real wood, sandalwood, shipped up from dirtside. The incense sticks weren’t real. That would be a safety hazard, but they looked real. The pink blossoms were real though. One of the junior Shàoxiānduì girls was responsible for visiting the flower stall at the local market and replacing them every morning before our High School Assembly. Chen Jing Lun High School, way down on Level Seven, wasn’t one of the best high schools in the New Beijing burrow, but Principal Yu maintained strict discipline and observed all the formalities.

*****************
"Smash" vs "Crush" - The song is intentionally threatening - they're singing it in the context of a People's Court where the verdict has been given and the people are expected to vote in favor the verdict, as instructed, and if they don't, the Shàoxiānduì will quite literally smash them - think of the old Red Guards in the Maoist years and how they literally beat people close to death - that's what's just been implied here...and it's a very real threat....

*******************
“Do you confess to sexual assault and attempted rape?” I asked them.

“Fuck you, bitch,” one of them spat.

“Ensure they confess,” I said to Artemis, confirming with the AI’s. “You’re authorized to break anything you like.”

“Understood, Duty Squad Leader,” Artemis said formally.

“Judicial AI. Please add charges of disrespect to a People’s Court, and the use of offensive language towards Shàoxiānduì in the exercise of their responsibilities to The People.”

“Acknowledged, Duty Squad Leader,” the Judicial AI acknowledged. “Charges have been added, evidence notarized and appended to their files, and deviant criminals have been found guilty.”

Artemis and the Duty Squad got to work. Fifteen minutes later, they’d both confessed, which wasn’t unexpected. Actually, before the Duty Squad finished with them, they’d confessed half a dozen times and the Police and Judicial AI’s had added three more crimes against The People. We were the Shàoxiānduì, after all. We knew how to run a Spontaneous Struggle Session. We knew how to secure confessions too, and Artemis could have made them confess a lot more quickly, but Amanda was Shàoxiānduì. She was one of us.

The Shàoxiānduì looked after our own and a point needed to be made.

Artemis and the Duty Squad made it.

So in this context, Amanda, who is Shàoxiānduì, was attacked. The attackers were caught and the Shàoxiānduì have held a Peoples Court on the spot, the criminals have been found guilty by the Judicial AI, they've confessed, and the song is being sung to make sure everyone understands they are going to vote in favor of the verdict or they're next, right after the Shàoxiānduì have turned the criminal deviants into pulp while everyone watches.

*************************

So here we go, revised wording.......

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
We ensure correct thought is always in the People’s hearts
With the Party’s doctrine we arm ourselves
We sweep away all pests who resist

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our pledge is to obey The Party
Ensuring The Hegemony is ever Red

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
We fight always for The Hegemony
We adhere always to the will of the Party
We take up tasks assigned by the Party

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our pledge is to obey the Party
Ensuring The Hegemony is ever Red

We are the Glorious Chairman’s Shàoxiānduì
Vanguard of the workers revolution
Uniting the masses, together we fight
Eradicating all enemies of the people

Dare to question? Dare to deviate?
The Shàoxiānduì will smash you.
Our pledge is to obey the Party
Ensuring the Hegemony is ever Red