25 years together - one sided - sorry this is a long post

[Andee_julie]

After a relationship where sex has been completely one sided i am, yest again, at my witts end.
We are now 40/41 and in all this time sex has always been one sided.
If i (Andy) don't initiate sex, it simply doesn't heppen.
My wife says she enjoys sex, but will never initiate it or even put any effort into it.
This makes me feel like i am forcing her in to it which makes me feel bad.
Over the years i have tried talking ot her in a seriously but none pressurised setting but this has had no effect at all.
We recerntly went on holliday whre we had really good conversations about our sex life. We were really happy talking about our problems and i genuinly thought that we covered some ground.
Since then (three weeks ago) nothing has changed at home. I have not put any pressure on her in any way and life is great apart from sex.
I have tried to bring the subject up again tonight and she simply goes completely quiet, apart from shrugging her shoulders when i ask why things have not changed at all since our holiday.
I listened to her while we were away, and have made efforts to change things like kissing her, holding and cuddling her (something i lways did but have to admit faided away during the past few years).
I am at point where i am seriuosly considering ending our relationship and marriage, something i have dreaded.
I feel that i have tried everything i can possibly thik of to make things better, but this is one thing i simply cannot find the answer to.
I am and have been a very patient man, but i am not getting any younger. Should i try and put my sexual life behind me and continue my marriage like this or should i make the big jump and leave her?
I really do love her to bits and she really fullfills me in every otherway.
How can I/we sort this out?
I'm sure my post will ring true with other men and women but what is the answer?
How do other couples deal with the differences in their sexual needs?
I do 'feel' that my wife 'does' love me, but i can say that i lovemy cats, but to me this is a different love-
I want a partner who who is more in tune with life in geneal - can i achieve this with my wife? Is this possible? or should i bite the bullet and end this realtionship?
I have always had the attitude that we are all on the same journey in ife and a life without a sexual partner is no life at all.........
Maybe i am wrong.................. i really hope i am............but i feel that our relationsip is over.
Andy

 

[DrHappy]

Check out the Mismatched Libidos Forum at iVillage.

 

[Andee_julie]

Thank you DrHapppy-
I have only has a bierf look at the link and posts nad will certainly read tem all - but i think in my situation, i have tried them all. The only thing we havn't tried is a ' sex thearapist', . My wife has said she is willing to see one, but i have to set this up. No problem there - but if she changes her mind i'll be back to square one. I guess this is being pessimistic, but i think i should try this option.
I will speak to my wife adn see what her thoughs are -
Andy

 

[mjl2010]

You say she enjoys sex, but doesn't initiate it. Have you considered that perhaps she prefers it that you initiate sex or lovemaking. Is it possible that she has feelings that she hasn't shared about this?

When you say that sex is one sided, are you saying that she just lays there while you get off and she doesn't? Once you've initiated sex, does she participate or are you saying she couldn't care less if she ever had sex again?

Or maybe she's just not into plain vanilla sex. Has she told you what she likes and doesn't like? Does she have orgasms? Or does she find sex boring?

A lot of questions need to be answered before anyone could really comment.

MJL

 

[hulmule]

Andy i feel for you ! my life is going the same way. 16 years ,if i dont say hi or how was your it dont happen.I have great wife,looks over my boys, very involved with school.etc.but show me any affection it just dont happen. I just had a post about my wife looking at porn.she wont watch it with me, but yet she looks at it when i;m not there she has no sexual intimcy,or non sexual intimcy.My heart is out to you.I've been a lonely man for a long time good luck

 

[NippleMuncher]

If you can't go to counselling together, at least go for yourself. You may find the answers to your questions there that she is either unwilling or unable to share with you at home.

Best wishes,

 

[Andee_julie]

A big thanks to you all for replying -
MJL - To try and answer some of your questions

I think she does prefer it if i initiate sex, the problem is that this makes me feel that she is only doing it for me and not for herself. I don't like feeling like im simply getting off.
She does just lay there, and would be quite happy to only have sex once month.
I have tried to introduce various methods of sex, including sex toys (she hated them t first, but now uses them before intercourse) I have tried to get her to express what she want to try but she never says anything.
She does have orgasms and seems to enjoy sex at the time. I do have to say though, that i find her a very selfish lover, in that she things done to her when she is arrouse, but never even consders what i might want.
Hope this answers some questions. im more than happy to answer any others people may have.
Thanks
Andy

 

[mjl2010]

You got married when you were 15?

After a relationship where sex has been completely one sided i am, yest again, at my witts end.
We are now 40/41 and in all this time sex has always been one sided.

Maybe i am wrong.................. i really hope i am............but i feel that our relationsip is over.
Andy

Usually, I'm very quick with math. Last night I was tired and didn't catch it until I had sat down and had the TV on.

So 25 years married. And you're 40/41. Huh. So you got married when you were 15 and 16? I suppose that's possible, I'm not sure what the laws are in the UK or wherever you are from, but that just seems young to me. I could be wrong.

Maybe someone else wants to comment?

 

[Shayol]

hmm out of topic but... He never said they been married 25 years, just together.. unless I overlooked something

 

[FurryFury]

I think with some people you have to be willing to walk before they will actually see how important some things are and possibly then they will make changes.

I see this particular question a great deal. It makes me sad. I can't imagine making my lover feel that he is not wanted or that I'm cool if we never have sex. That's just hard for me to wrap my head around.

 

[Andee_julie]

Sorry maybe i should have explained - we met when we were 15/16 and been married 6 years -
Andy

 

[mjl2010]

A big thanks to you all for replying -
MJL - To try and answer some of your questions

I think she does prefer it if i initiate sex, the problem is that this makes me feel that she is only doing it for me and not for herself. I don't like feeling like im simply getting off.
She does just lay there, and would be quite happy to only have sex once month.
I have tried to introduce various methods of sex, including sex toys (she hated them t first, but now uses them before intercourse) I have tried to get her to express what she want to try but she never says anything.
She does have orgasms and seems to enjoy sex at the time. I do have to say though, that i find her a very selfish lover, in that she things done to her when she is arrouse, but never even consders what i might want.
Hope this answers some questions. im more than happy to answer any others people may have.
Thanks
Andy

Sometimes you have to take a chance, bet your hand big and lay your cards on the table. If you're at the point where you're considering leaving, maybe its worth the risk lay it out for her.

Look honey, here's how it is. Our sex life sucks and I don't mean in a good way. I've got some needs that need taking care of. I've tried to talk to you about this but I've gotten nowhere. If we don't make some changes soon, I'm going to have to think about where we're going in this relationship and think about making some changes. So if you want to get on board and we need to do something to help you, then lets do it. OK?

Having said that I would like to say that before you take any extreme steps, go see a professional. A board like this is really the wrong place to look for this kind of advice. You'll get lots of opinions from really smart people like me and plenty of opinions from fucktards all over the world. But you never know who the fucktards are. So get help.

If I might ask, why did you marry her knowing this was a problem?

MJL

 

[cele2flowers]

I was wondering the same thing that mjl has asked. If you knew there was a problem, why did you marry her? Or was there a problem then? Has some of this just recently developed?

I do wonder if you did the same thing I did when I got married. Sex with my ex-husband sucked before we got married. I stupidly just thought it would get better. I was WRONG. Especially since he didn't think anything was wrong, sexually (except that I stopped showing interest all together).

I'd definitely take this to a therapist if you want any hope of saving your marriage. There are so many things that can come into play that there's no way to give advice.

 

[Andee_julie]

Hi MJL - you are quite right. Maybe we should not have gotten married. My mother was ill and i knew she would not live long. i wanted her to see us get married. (She very sadly passed away two uears later) God bless you mum.
I also wanted to marry her thinking that things might change for the better.
I have to be 100% honest and say that i am scared of leaving her also.
I do really love her in every other way, but i also know that i can't carry on lving like this.
I am all for ging to seel professional help and she has agreed to go also.
I will arrange an appointment with relate (uk) and see whre that takes us.
Andy

 

[emptynester]

I think she does prefer it if i initiate sex, the problem is that this makes me feel that she is only doing it for me and not for herself.

She does have orgasms and seems to enjoy sex at the time. I do have to say though, that i find her a very selfish lover, in that she things done to her when she is arrouse, but never even consders what i might want.

I'm sorry Andy but I am relating all to well to your post. It sounds to me like you are being very selfish. I am reading into all of this that she feels your need to be satisfied but doesn't feel any desire on your part to pleasure her. Therefore, she is only willing to have sex when you initiate it. She is satisfying your basic need for sex but has no desire to take it to another level since she isn't getting that from you either.

I know it is a huge turn on for me when my husband spends time pleasuring me first whether it is with toys, tongue, fingers or whatever. We take turns pleasuring each other or doing things to one another at the same time. If I felt like all he cared about was having his needs met, then that would be all I would do.

If she is using toys prior to intercourse, what is wrong with you using the toys on her and pleasuring her. Let her know you are all about making her come or having orgasms. Maybe if she sensed that you were more interested in pleasuring her than in getting off yourself, as you put it, she would get more out of the experience herself and initiate sex herself.

I am not trying to be mean, but I have been there and done what you are describing of your wife, myself. While I am willing to take most of the blame for my attitude, I had the feeling that he wanted sex and nothing more. I am so thankful that he stuck with me through the last 27 years.

When we found ourselves home alone without kids, we began to look into things to spice up our sex life. We got on the internet together, found LIT together, bought toys together and started a whole new chapter in our marriage.

It is never too late, but I think it depends on whether you are willing to put her needs ahead of yours. You might be amazed at the results. Hope this helps.

 

[Javagirl]

It's called marriage counseling!

Love isn't sex and sex isn't love. If you really love your wife and want to attempt to save your marriage, I highly suggest seeing a marriage counselor (you both need to see a counselor).

Also, you seem to be really focused on SEX in your marriage. I'm not saying that sex in a marriage isn't important but what about the things she DOES FOR YOU? Do you have children? I'm sure she does PLENTY of nice things for you. You mentioned that she is a selfish lover. Maybe you're selfish in other areas of your marriage.

A marriage is a give and take and it's about COMMUNICATION! Obviously, you two aren't on the same page and I think a third "neutral" party like a marriage counselor would help you.

I think it's a bit wimpy on your part to just want to bail out of the marriage because of the sex. As I mentioned, you are really focused on the SEX. However, my theory is when the sex isn't happening in a relationship it's a clear indicator that there are other underlying issues that are going on in the relationship/marriage. As a friend told me once, if sex isn't happening it's a true barometer of what's going on with the relationship in general and it's NOT a good sign.

Good luck and seek therapy!

 

[FurryFury]

*sigh*

I think it's pretty ridiculous when people ask other people why "you" got married. People marry for so many reasons. The younger they are, the less well thought out and less realistic the expectations are. If they haven't walked in your shoes they have NO room to talk.

 

[Mr.G]

Have You

... tried the GSpot Technique I posted on the " TRY THIS " thread ???

It obviously isn't the answer to everyone's problems but I know from personal experience and email feedback that for many couples, discovering this has marked a MAJOR turning point in their lives. The woman has more self confidence and the hormones that are stimulated / produced / released / from using this Technique has the ability to get them "hooked" on sex like when they were teenagers or sometimes (they report) like no other time in their life. They just can't seem to get enough, are having FUN and are constantly horny.

Like I said it isn't for everyone and I'm not claiming it is but it's worth a shot. If it works and she can G-Gasm a dozen times a night she WILL want to have sex more often, may begin to initiate it herself and and will have no problem with the physical aspects of it. She'll have no choice!!

Try it and let us know if it works, K?

 

[SweetErika]

Love isn't sex and sex isn't love.

While that may be true for some people, it's really not for others. My husband and I happen to express our love through sex, and I only have sex with people I'm in love with.

Andy, not to dwell on the past, but why did you wait 19 years to get married? You both must have had reservations if you waited that long.

I'd be willing to bet she does feel your resentment and dissatisfaction, and that's likely playing a major role in your problems. Try to focus on the positive--what makes you feel good in all areas of your relationship--and see if that has an impact.

I think counseling is a step in the right direction. Even if you decide to end the marriage, at least you'll know you tried your best (well, if you do the hard work on yourselves and relationship).

 

[Andee_julie]

Thanks for your comments and advice - I have to say that im probably not explaining fully.
I really do consider myself to be caring, loving and particularly in bed, very giving.
I have never simply jumped on, had my way and jumped off.
I am always trying to think of different ways to trigger a spark of sexuality in her. I've tried very hard to give her freedom to explore herself in the hope that she may discover her desires.
As far as i am aware there really wans't any reason for us waiting so long to get married. We simply didn't think it was important, but as we got older, realised that we'd look a bity silly calling ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend at 60
She is fantastic an every other way and i love her dearly.
But a marriage where sex is always one way is no fun.
i know she does try but it just seems that she only tries when i've sat her down to discuss the problem. Her efforst last a couple od days then its back to the same for the next 6 months, until i sit her down again and explain again. This goes on year after year.
I always compliment her and she really does have a lovely body. I give her love taps even when im just walking past her. I always ensure that she orgasms during foeplay - nearly worn my tongue out on several occassions.
I simply want to receive this kind of sexual attention that she receives from me.
She has never once surprised me or made any sexual suggestions and this depresses me sometimes.
I don't know if a womans libido can be increased or what else i can do to get her to open her mind and explore herself.
Is ther a way to increase her interest?
Andy

PS I will suggest the G Spot Mr G - Thanks

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

A common problem that occurs between married men and women is the woman's growing lack of desire and the man's continued desire despite the wife's lack thereof. It's biological, darling. A woman's sexual appetite often diminishes with the arrival, or near approach, of menopause. The man and woman are both apt to go through a mid-life crisis at this stage. The man buys a motorcycle or a corvette and a toupee and gets a new younger female. But, then soon after that, his libido diminishes and he relies on little blue pills just to get a hard-on and wishes he had his life-mate back because she would understand, but she's long gone and his new young model is getting bored and she strays and then, the man is all alone. Don't fall into this stereotypical trap.

 

[cele2flowers]

Thanks for your comments and advice - I have to say that im probably not explaining fully.
I really do consider myself to be caring, loving and particularly in bed, very giving.
I have never simply jumped on, had my way and jumped off.
I am always trying to think of different ways to trigger a spark of sexuality in her. I've tried very hard to give her freedom to explore herself in the hope that she may discover her desires.
As far as i am aware there really wans't any reason for us waiting so long to get married. We simply didn't think it was important, but as we got older, realised that we'd look a bity silly calling ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend at 60
She is fantastic an every other way and i love her dearly.
But a marriage where sex is always one way is no fun.
i know she does try but it just seems that she only tries when i've sat her down to discuss the problem. Her efforst last a couple od days then its back to the same for the next 6 months, until i sit her down again and explain again. This goes on year after year.
I always compliment her and she really does have a lovely body. I give her love taps even when im just walking past her. I always ensure that she orgasms during foeplay - nearly worn my tongue out on several occassions.
I simply want to receive this kind of sexual attention that she receives from me.
She has never once surprised me or made any sexual suggestions and this depresses me sometimes.
I don't know if a womans libido can be increased or what else i can do to get her to open her mind and explore herself.
Is ther a way to increase her interest?
Andy

PS I will suggest the G Spot Mr G - Thanks

This sounds very similar to my marriage. Though I'm the one that was doing all the work, and I mean ALL the work. It wasn't just in the bedroom, but everywhere else in the relationship. I asked him to do things for me, in hopes of resparking my own interest in him. It lasted a few days and then he would conveniently "forget" all about it. If he didn't forget, he had an excuse for not doing things for me.

Something that was my fault was the fact that I didn't have much of an interest in sex. I was taking a medication that absolutely killed my libido. Then add on the fact that he didn't seem all that attentive in bed and it turned sex into a once a month event. I repressed my annoyance with him for way too long before suggesting counseling. By the time we finally made it to a marriage counselor, I was done with the relationship and ready for divorce. I didn't even give the counseling a chance.

So, I think my point is, you need to get yourselves to the emergency room of marriage counselors. Especially if you're getting ready to walk. In the meantime, maybe do some self examination to see if there's something you are or aren't doing that is actually hurting the relationship. I'm sure you've done plenty of that already, but you can always keep digging on yourself.

 

[SweetErika]

It doesn't really matter what YOU think of your behavior in the relationship, it matters what SHE thinks. Where you see yourself as a positive, generous spouse, she may see you as pushy and lacking in important ways.

Her lack of interest and reciprocation may have nothing to do with you. Maybe it's just the way she is, and it has something/everything to do with her upbringing. Perhaps it's a function of low self-esteem, confidence, mental health issues, hormones or medication. She might be consumed by guilt, which can be paralyzing, too.

The good news is she's agreed to go to counseling, which is likely a sign she recognizes there are problems and wants to work on them.

 

[emptynester]

She is fantastic an every other way and i love her dearly.

If you really mean that then make every effort to work on it with her through your counseling. It will take time. Don't go into it thinking things must change overnight or I am out of here.

I don't know if a womans libido can be increased or what else i can do to get her to open her mind and explore herself. Is there a way to increase her interest?

Mine increased significantly over the last year (I will turn 50 this year). My attitude toward sex was a lot like your wife's. Mostly I think due to very low self esteem. I wasn't what most consider fat, but after losing 40 pounds and hearing compliments like "wow, you look great" from friends and family, my whole outlook changed. I am not really sure if that was all it took to flip the switch or if something happened with the hormones, but I am very thankful for whatever the reason.

Maybe through your counseling something will come out that will help you understand what is causing her lack of interest in sex. Best wishes through all of this and I highly recommend at least trying what Mr. G describes in his thread.

Now may not be the time to introduce it to her but at least you can educate yourself and be ready to apply the technique when the time seems right. I think if she is willing to go to counseling that needs to be your first priority.

Again, best wishes and let us know how things are going.

 

[Bandit58]

I don't initiate sex. That doesn't mean that I don't want it though - it's just something I find very hard to do.

I'm a submissive - maybe that has something to do with it I enjoy sex, in fact my sex life now is so much better than it was 5 years ago, but initiating sexual activity is something that "good girls" don't do I guess. Once Master Gil has given me "permission" though, I'm enthusiastic and giving.