Marxist
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2001
- Posts
- 18,322
According to nerve.com:
May 9, 2002
Dear Em & Lo,
How do I become a better lover?
— Curious
Dear C.,
Are you kidding us? Do you have one or two years? Give us something to work with here, dude, something a little more specific. No sane advice columnists would go near this question with a ten-foot dildo . . . but we're not like other advice columnists — we're ca-RAY-zee. Here's the very, very, very abridged version, in easy-to-digest do-and-don't format. If you want more, you're gonna have to wait for the book.*
Don't rush. Don't shoot your wad all at once, so to speak. It's not a race. Besides, it's easier and sexier for your partner to say, "More, harder, oh god, faster," than it is to say, "Whoa! Slow down there, cowboy."
Do exude confidence (not cockiness). If you act nervous, it's harder for them to relax. But if you think you're good in bed, then you probably are (note: this does not apply to the macho meatheads who think they're good in bed — you're not). Just acting like you know what you're doing is half the battle. Take some initiative. Order your partner around (they can always say no). Plus they might like not having to make any more decisions that day.
Don't assume a visit from Aunt Flow means no sex. For many women, it's their horniest time of the month. And orgasms can relieve menstrual cramps. Put a dark towel on the bed and enjoy the extra lube and the splash of color! (But you still have to use birth control and barrier protection.)
Do provide positive reinforcement. Total silence sucks. Your partners will welcome praise and feedback like Mariah Carey would a good review (especially when they're administering oral sex). Plus, it's an easy way to start dabbling in dirty talk. If you can't find the words, appreciative noises work.
Don't talk about your exes. Especially about how they were in bed. Unless your partner is a masochist.
Do tell your partners what you like; don't expect them to like it too. There's a difference between having a preference and being a fascist.
Similarly, don't ever say "Eeeew." Being easily grossed out means you've got really rigid ideas about what's "normal." Queefs and farts happen — what, are you still in third grade? — B.F.D. If you do have the period sex, things are gonna get a little red — B.F.D. Labia come in all shapes and sizes and colors — B.F.D. Grow a sense of humor and broaden your horizons a bit.
We'll say it again: Do have a sense of humor. There's nothing worse than a serious, sensitive ponytail guy with no sense of irony or the absurd. If you fall off the bed while trying out a new position, don't get all embarrassed — laugh it off.
Don't assume that just 'cause you're in lurve, you can't have it dirty. If we've said it once (and we have), we've said it a thousand times: The idea that marriage (and even monogamy) is the end of dirty, throw-me-against-the-wall, taboo-busting sex is a tired, old myth that you should debunk on a regular basis.
However, do ask permission before giving your partner a money shot in the face. Nuff said.
Don't keep pushing the idea of a threeway if your partner's decidedly not into it. That goes for chicks, too. For a threeway to work, everyone has to be super gung-ho (not to mention totally secure, issue-free, and drunk).
Do have an over-active imagination. Talking and fantasizing together about an orgy with your hot mail carrier, your local news anchor and Notre Dame's co-ed cheerleading team is actually way sexier than a real orgy with your hairy, alcoholic, depressed neighbors. Include your partner in your fantasies when it's appropriate. If you are fucking them and thinking of someone else, it's probably not a good idea to mention it (unless they're dressed up as that someone else).
Don't become a creature of habit. Try new things. Your partners will probably be more receptive to your suggestions if most of those suggestions focus on their pleasure. What makes new relationships so exciting is the unexpected, so if you're in a long-term relationship the best way to keep things exciting is too always be learning and trying new stuff. Oprah told us that.
Do practice reciprocity. If you're open to things, your partner will be too. No knee-jerk reactions to anything like a little anal play. If your partner tickles your back, it's not just because they're being nice — they want you to tickle their back, too. And if you expect your partner to shave, you should be willing to do the same.
Don't assume that what worked on your previous partners will work on your next one. Everyone's different. The biggest mistake you can make is assuming you know it all. Yes, we're talking to you, you macho meatheads.
Do have an alternative to traditional cheesy porn you can enjoy together. And don't assume it has to be a video. Read an erotic novel, or get some erotic recordings, or an erotic graphic novel.
Don't be so goal oriented, sheesh. It's not always about the orgasm. You need the freedom to try new things without the pressure of feeling like you've failed if the sesh doesn't end in a simultaneous orgasm.
Do use lube — and lots of it. Use a water-based lubricant (the oils ones destroy latex) and keep it in a pump dispenser by the bed for easy, one-handed application. Lube is not a crutch for when things aren't working, it's just good, old-fashioned, slippery fun.
Don't use the following words or phrases: make love, pussy, moist, panties, and especially not lover. However, saying your partner's name during sex is always a winner.
Do take dirty pictures. With a Polaroid. Everyone looks better in Polaroids, and there are no negatives to worry about.
Don't hate us because we're beautiful; do send us presents,
Em & Lo
* Shameless plug: We are writing a book about sex — stay tuned for more details.
May 9, 2002
Dear Em & Lo,
How do I become a better lover?
— Curious
Dear C.,
Are you kidding us? Do you have one or two years? Give us something to work with here, dude, something a little more specific. No sane advice columnists would go near this question with a ten-foot dildo . . . but we're not like other advice columnists — we're ca-RAY-zee. Here's the very, very, very abridged version, in easy-to-digest do-and-don't format. If you want more, you're gonna have to wait for the book.*
Don't rush. Don't shoot your wad all at once, so to speak. It's not a race. Besides, it's easier and sexier for your partner to say, "More, harder, oh god, faster," than it is to say, "Whoa! Slow down there, cowboy."
Do exude confidence (not cockiness). If you act nervous, it's harder for them to relax. But if you think you're good in bed, then you probably are (note: this does not apply to the macho meatheads who think they're good in bed — you're not). Just acting like you know what you're doing is half the battle. Take some initiative. Order your partner around (they can always say no). Plus they might like not having to make any more decisions that day.
Don't assume a visit from Aunt Flow means no sex. For many women, it's their horniest time of the month. And orgasms can relieve menstrual cramps. Put a dark towel on the bed and enjoy the extra lube and the splash of color! (But you still have to use birth control and barrier protection.)
Do provide positive reinforcement. Total silence sucks. Your partners will welcome praise and feedback like Mariah Carey would a good review (especially when they're administering oral sex). Plus, it's an easy way to start dabbling in dirty talk. If you can't find the words, appreciative noises work.
Don't talk about your exes. Especially about how they were in bed. Unless your partner is a masochist.
Do tell your partners what you like; don't expect them to like it too. There's a difference between having a preference and being a fascist.
Similarly, don't ever say "Eeeew." Being easily grossed out means you've got really rigid ideas about what's "normal." Queefs and farts happen — what, are you still in third grade? — B.F.D. If you do have the period sex, things are gonna get a little red — B.F.D. Labia come in all shapes and sizes and colors — B.F.D. Grow a sense of humor and broaden your horizons a bit.
We'll say it again: Do have a sense of humor. There's nothing worse than a serious, sensitive ponytail guy with no sense of irony or the absurd. If you fall off the bed while trying out a new position, don't get all embarrassed — laugh it off.
Don't assume that just 'cause you're in lurve, you can't have it dirty. If we've said it once (and we have), we've said it a thousand times: The idea that marriage (and even monogamy) is the end of dirty, throw-me-against-the-wall, taboo-busting sex is a tired, old myth that you should debunk on a regular basis.
However, do ask permission before giving your partner a money shot in the face. Nuff said.
Don't keep pushing the idea of a threeway if your partner's decidedly not into it. That goes for chicks, too. For a threeway to work, everyone has to be super gung-ho (not to mention totally secure, issue-free, and drunk).
Do have an over-active imagination. Talking and fantasizing together about an orgy with your hot mail carrier, your local news anchor and Notre Dame's co-ed cheerleading team is actually way sexier than a real orgy with your hairy, alcoholic, depressed neighbors. Include your partner in your fantasies when it's appropriate. If you are fucking them and thinking of someone else, it's probably not a good idea to mention it (unless they're dressed up as that someone else).
Don't become a creature of habit. Try new things. Your partners will probably be more receptive to your suggestions if most of those suggestions focus on their pleasure. What makes new relationships so exciting is the unexpected, so if you're in a long-term relationship the best way to keep things exciting is too always be learning and trying new stuff. Oprah told us that.
Do practice reciprocity. If you're open to things, your partner will be too. No knee-jerk reactions to anything like a little anal play. If your partner tickles your back, it's not just because they're being nice — they want you to tickle their back, too. And if you expect your partner to shave, you should be willing to do the same.
Don't assume that what worked on your previous partners will work on your next one. Everyone's different. The biggest mistake you can make is assuming you know it all. Yes, we're talking to you, you macho meatheads.
Do have an alternative to traditional cheesy porn you can enjoy together. And don't assume it has to be a video. Read an erotic novel, or get some erotic recordings, or an erotic graphic novel.
Don't be so goal oriented, sheesh. It's not always about the orgasm. You need the freedom to try new things without the pressure of feeling like you've failed if the sesh doesn't end in a simultaneous orgasm.
Do use lube — and lots of it. Use a water-based lubricant (the oils ones destroy latex) and keep it in a pump dispenser by the bed for easy, one-handed application. Lube is not a crutch for when things aren't working, it's just good, old-fashioned, slippery fun.
Don't use the following words or phrases: make love, pussy, moist, panties, and especially not lover. However, saying your partner's name during sex is always a winner.
Do take dirty pictures. With a Polaroid. Everyone looks better in Polaroids, and there are no negatives to worry about.
Don't hate us because we're beautiful; do send us presents,
Em & Lo
* Shameless plug: We are writing a book about sex — stay tuned for more details.
