1st Time Writer - looking for feedback!

[JoeOzo]

Hey all:

I've just had my very first story published here. This is the first story I’ve ever written anywhere. I’ve been an avid reader on Literotica, and felt inspired to try my hand at it.

I’d really appreciate some feedback on it. The title is “Songstress” https://www.literotica.com/s/songstress-1 in the Mature Category. The sex scene comes at the end as a natural progression from the rest of the story, and the focus is heavy on romance and music, with a significant age difference between the two main characters. It’s already rolled off the New Stories list, so you’ll have to look it up alphabetically.

Here are some excerpts:

The green overhead sign said, 'Charlotte 25 mi.' My heart began to race, and the adrenaline flowed, reviving me from my 14-hour driving marathon. At last! I was so close to finally seeing face to face the woman I had adored from afar.

Even now, I could see her stunning beauty in my mind, and I glanced at my phone once again to see my favourite picture of her, that dazzling smile lighting up my world. Her picture is what kept me going through this thousand-mile journey from my town just east of Toronto, all the way down to North Carolina…

… I stepped out from behind Mandy and managed to blurt out the greeting I had rehearsed endlessly in my mind:

"Hi, I'm looking for a Ms H.t. South? (H.t. South was her FB handle). I believe she needs some cheering up, so I thought I'd bring some music to her."

Beth's blue eyes flew open in shock as recognition sank in:

"Joel? Is that you? Oh my God, what are you doing here? How? Why?"

At which point further, words seem to fail her…

… Suddenly the years melted away and we were just two people madly in love with each other. Our lips came together in a desperate, long overdue kiss. She tasted of strawberries and coffee, and I never tasted a better combination. It was a kiss of deep affirmations, unfulfilled longings, and desperate hopes finally come true…

 

[AlinaX]

It's a good idea to put a link to your stories in your forum signature. Also, when asking for feedback on a particular story, like now, add a link in the top post to the story in question.

Songstress

 

[JoeOzo]

Thanks AlinaX, great suggestion. Being very new to this, I didn’t think. I couldn’t figure out how to imbed the link into my story title, but at least I got the link in there. Not sure what you mean by putting it my signature.

 

[AlinaX]

In the forum settings there's an option to Edit Signature, which gets added at the bottom of your posts, like my rabbit hole.

 

[Monkeys_paw]

Hey all:

I've just had my very first story published here. This is the first story I’ve ever written anywhere. I’ve been an avid reader on Literotica, and felt inspired to try my hand at it.

Hi, I cannot believe I am the first to comment! Anyway, my two cents (only published three stories so no high flyer or authority)

I love the pace and narrative of the story, really great timing. The characters do come alive in the story.
Some small niggles detract from the overall feeling for the story, but that is just me. Like for instance the declaration of love on the terrace..it felt too quick, rushing to keep the story going, if you understand what I mean. In real life, I don't think it would happen this way. But, it is your story, you write it the way you feel it should be.

Looking forward to further installments of Beth and Joel!

 

[JoeOzo]

Thank You Monkeys_paw!

I really appreciate your great feedback! Yes, I can see how the declaration of love can seem a bit hurried and maybe unrealistic. I guess I was thinking that their love had been building for some time, and was so pent-up, it just burst forward upon seeing each other for the first time.

I’m working on a couple of sequels, and a prequel. I’ll be taking your advice to heart!

Thanks!…J.