1st Story Attempt

[DR_Bowden]

Experianced Authors,
I have recently submitted my first story to Literotica. This is my first attempt at writing a story of any kind. I appreciate unabashed criticism in my work, so I believe that applies to my writing also. I know for a fact that this story could benefit from further editing so please keep this in mind while reading it. That said, I would really appreciate feedback of any kind. Thanks everyone!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=79730

42,
DR_Bowden

 

[tmarcl]

I'm really not into BDSM, so I can't honestly comment on arousal value. I wasn't, but again, it's not my cup of tea. One thing, though, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it the submissive who decides on the code word? It makes it easier to remember in the heat of the moment, I would think.

First off, kudos on correct usage. One of the things that annoys me most in erotica is seeing misuse of 'there, they're, their, where, wear, were, you're and your'. I didn't notice any problems there.

You do seem to have a problem with commas and quotes. A comma always seperates a quote from the rest of the sentence. For instance:

John said, "I love pizza." Not:

John said "I love pizza."

Secondly, quotes that start a new sentence get a capital letter. For instance:

"Pizza sucks," replied Jane. Or:
Jane replied, "Pizza sucks." In the case of a divided quote, the second part only gets capitalized if it's a new sentence. For instance:

"If you hate pizza so much," argued John, "why is it that you eat more than I do?" Since the second part of the quote (why is it that you eat more than I do) is a continuation of the original quote, it doesn't get a capital, but the following:

"You eat two slices and leave it in the kitchen for three weeks," replied Jane. "If I didn't eat it, it would go bad."

Since 'If I didn't eat it...' is a new sentence, it's gets a capital.

Also: When a character is addressing someone, a comma goes before the title/name. For instance:

"I hope everything was to your satisfaction miss." is wrong, it should be:

"I hope everything was to your satisfaction, miss."

You also need to stop putting spaces between your quotation marks and the quotes. It should be, "Pizza is the food of the gods." Not, " Pizza is the food of the gods. "

In addition, avoid using conjunctions when they're not needed.

“yes thank you” you reply and look away.

Try this: "Yes, thank you," you reply, looking away.

Marc

 

[DR_Bowden]

RE: good advice

Marc,
I greatly appreciate the lesson on correct quotation! I would say that this area is not my strong suit, but with one story I cannot say that I have one.
This information is very applicable and usefull. I am about halfway through my second story and will be looking for these errors. I definately understand that bondage is not for everyone. How did you like the twist ending?

Thank you again,
Daniel

 

[the_bragis]

Hello

Hello Dr B,

Well I guess I'm in a minority group here, I don't mind the odd bit of bdsm. So I was happy to read your story. Marc's is right, there are a number of problems particularly with the punctuation, but we all start somewhere.

If you think it's hard trying to find someone to edit a regular story, try finding someone willing to look at a bdsm piece. It's almost impossible. I said almost. krisy doll, one of the better authors in here, writes excellent dom/fem subs stories herself, and she has offered in the past to edit. I am assuming she is still interested. I know she did so editing me a while back and she really does know her stuff. She certainly won't try to change your story, but she will give it 'polish'.

Lady Phoenix is another excellent author who I think may still be willing to edit. I haven't seen her around for ages, so I'm not sure.

Now, more specifically your story. Unfortunately you have put yourself behind the eight ball by writing this is the first and second person, and the present tense, particularly second person and present tense are very difficult to read. Many readers will simply back click when they see one or the other. The two combined is the literary kiss of death for most stories.

You have started to blush lightly and the cool satin against your nipples seems to preoccupy your thoughts. You remember the look on the waitresses face, part ..
Technically this is one of the reasons it's so hard to write in the second person. You can't really know what the other person is thinking now can you?

This sensual kiss is so out of place and unexpected, I moan and push my tongue into her mouth.

U-oh, here you switch to first person only.

Now onto more specifics. While descriptions are usually good for a story, you have a little too much here. Try to only include details that are relevant to your story, or you will bog your poor reader down with too much information.

e.g.
The room is on the first floor in the front. - Who cares?

On the counter you see another envelope, manila this time 8.5x11,.. - Size does matter, but not here, 'another envelope' is all that is needed.

You put your clothes in the shopping bag that was in the bathroom. - Again this is just too much info.

Now a few brief observations about the dialog.

"shh...you're safe...while you're here. there’s only so much trouble we can get in, in a restaurant. " I say grinning.
This is the first line of dialog in your story, and while there's nothing really wrong it, it could have come from any story really couldn't it? Especially for the first line of speech I think you need to make it stronger, even if it's just by you actions.

"shh...you're safe my little one...while you're here. There's only so much trouble you can get into at a restaurant. " I say grinning, and twisting my fingers around in your hair to pull you closer, then whispering. "It's later you have to worry about."

"I can tell you followed the instructions I left." I say as I run my palm along the side of your thigh just above the stocking tops. (Four 'I's there too, that's too much)

"Good girl, you followed my instructions." I say running my palm along the side of your thigh just above the stocking tops. (Nice action there btw.)

“Pardon miss?”
I'm sorry but this just didn’t' sound like a dom speaking. "Yes little one?” "Speak up slut!””Yes my dear?', but "pardon miss?" I don't think so.

You glare back at me.

“Hey now, watch it!” you say a little louder than you like. (Than you like or I like?)
No, this is not very sub-like behavior or talk. You must remember when a reader clicks on a 'bdsm' story, that's exactly what they expect.

..you feel a sharp stinging tug on your left nipple which elicits a gasp
I am a reasonable literate lady, but certainly you have used a few words which were new to me, or like this one 'elicits', just didn’t' seem to be the right word to use. I'm sure many readers in here more knowledgeable than me would have not any trouble, but for me it's simply distracting to come across words like this. Others of course are free to disagree with me here.

Ok, your story overall, not bad for a first, not bad at all.

Asking for feedback is the best and easiest way to improve your writing.

My advice?

Keep it up and continue your story writing too .

I hope this helps. I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex.

 

[hiddenself]

Re: Hello

Unfortunately you have put yourself behind the eight ball by writing this is the first and second person, and the present tense, particularly second person and present tense are very difficult to read. Many readers will simply back click when they see one or the other.

Oooh. That's exactly what I did (halfway through the story)!

Dr_B, you gotta be a superwriter to pull this kind of thing off. I don't think you've developed the "super" part yet.

The fact that there were a bunch of spelling/grammar errors and that some parts were outright confusing didn't help either.

hs

 

[sanndry]

.

Keep it up and continue your story writing

 

[DR_Bowden]

WOW,
Thank you all for the feedback!
I think there is a general issue I need to address before covering specifics.
I intentionaly changed person as we progressed from her romance through her fantasy and then back to reality. My hope was to make the fantasy more intimate and memorable by bringing the reader into first person. I believe that this would have been more successfull if I had done this from te begining of the Fantasy section. I also realise it is currently beyond my talents to smoothly implement a change is perspective such as this in the middle of a story.
The spelling and gramatical errors could be helped by working with a volunteer editor here at literotica. I did not know that It was hard to find a BDSM editor and appreciate the recommendations ALEX. Thanks!
Specifics- If I do not mention a quote or recommendation then I agreed with it and thank you for the advice.

"shh...you're safe...while you're here. there’s only so much trouble we can get in, in a restaurant. "
The beginning is supposed to be more Harlequin...luring the unsuspecting reader into a dark fantasy.

"This sensual kiss is so out of place and unexpected, I moan and push my tongue into her mouth. "
Past the halfway mark I had switched completely to first person. It will be a while before I try this again

hiddenself - I understand why you did this, and am sorry that the writing crippled the story so severely. The end scene is my favorite and serves as a valuable lesson.

sanndry- I am working on a second story named Latex Dinner. My intention is a three story set. I have alot of editing and rewriting to do on the first.

SPOILER:

 

[DR_Bowden]

Spoiler:

The story is a little subtle in it's unfolding. NOT THE SEX. I would say that is rather blunt.

Basically a female exec is in a Power Exchange relationship with an employee.
After an adventurous lunchtime rendevous she returns to the office to meet with the board and discuss layoffs. She opens a folder at the board meeting in front of everyone containing graphic evidence of her sumissive perversions.
The lesson: Don't Fire your Master.

Thanks again everyone!
-d

 

[DR_Bowden]

Elicits

Alex,
I am really fond of this word when describing provoking a reaction for a partner. For the most part I write to a 5-7 grade level. I am not sure if this word falls in that range or not.
Thanks again for all the feedback Alex.

e·lic·it ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-lst)
tr.v. e·lic·it·ed, e·lic·it·ing, e·lic·its

To bring or draw out (something latent); educe.
To arrive at (a truth, for example) by logic.
To call forth, draw out, or provoke (a reaction, for example). See Synonyms at evoke.

-d

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Dr B,

Well I'm obviously just ignorant aren't I?

Oh and contrary to what you obviously think, I do own a dictionary.

Alex.

 

[tmarcl]

Re: Elicits

Alex,
I am really fond of this word when describing provoking a reaction for a partner. For the most part I write to a 5-7 grade level. I am not sure if this word falls in that range or not.

-d

I don't think it does. I tend to be a heavy reader and *I* had to look up the word. Instead of 'elicit's', try, 'causes you to gasp'. Most guys who are reading this aren't going to be using the head on their shoulders much.

Marc

 

[DR_Bowden]

fair enough

Fair enough,
Maybe it is a "pet" word of mine.
Thank you again for your suggestions.

-d

 

[DarlingNikki]

I am quite familiar with the word "elicits" and I like it.

But my opinion is irrelevant. Use the word YOU want to use.