11-8-01 The Earl!

[wildsweetone]

wow, thank you. i'm glad i found the courage to give it a go. when i've sorted out my schedule a little better, i'll come back and try again. thanks

JJ my grammar mechanics suck too. i don't think i'll ever learn the rules, or if i do, i wont realised that i've learned them

thanks for being my guinea pig Earl.

 

[TheEarl]

WSO: Why don't you put up a story yourself. It's educational, if a little painful.

The Earl

 

[wildsweetone]

hmm i read somewhere that there are certain number of feedbacks to be got through before putting ones own story up... i have no time right now to reread and find out how many. suffice it to say, once my 'life' has eased a little, i'll come back and do a another few feedbacks. yes, i may put a story up too Earl, when i get up the courage to do it

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

hmm i read somewhere that there are certain number of feedbacks to be got through before putting ones own story up...

WS,

While the site has some nice guidelines, the only hard and fast rule around here is whatever KM decides is hard and fast. The "rule of thumb" is that it's as blessed to give as to receive (critique-wise) so KM has usually given preferance to those who've contributed. However, she's now talking about putting up stories just because they'd be interesting to critique.

Hope you find the time to join in the fun.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Hi to The Earl,

Much ground has been covered. I don't have anything to add on mechanics--listen to wso and rf. It's decently written, though not 'high' in style. Overall, it's better than a lot of literotica stories, but less involved than many--sort of the upper middle of the bell curve. A bit less than a "4". So be glad you're at this level, not in the pits of incompetence. You can go further.

Overall, on the story, I have a couple things to say.

It's been said the female character doesn't develop. I agree. She's the girl all males wanted in high school: "Say the word and she'll fuck like a bunny." She has no inhibitions, and begins with a BJ; what more could a guy ask.

Which brings to the point. Is it simply a sex-encounter (with sister) FANTASY story designed to arouse. It seems so. The plot disappears after the first phone call, except as steps to penetration. So, irrespective of intent, the result, imo, is more fantasy tale, than anything 'real.' (except for the lucky 1/1000 guys).

Overall, there is a high degree of predictability, both in plot and in details. That, in a sentence, sums up the 'problem.'

As to the questions:


1) Is the build-up too long?

No

2) Did you believe in the reason why the characters were having sex?

No. Several posters have said this. But in a straight fantasy 'fuck sister' story, reasons are not necessary, IF it's a hot fantasy.

Your asking the question suggests you might not have thought out the type of story you're writing. IOW, if it's fantasy, no one's going to say, "Why they just met on the bus, why are they screwing in the aisle?"

3) Was the sex scene horny enough? Should I have skimped on some of the description? Alternatively, should I have added more?


The sex scene didn't do it for me. I suppose reading 1000 porn/"erotic" stories has jaded my brain or some organ. There would have to be one teeny weeny surprise--regardless of its genre, given that it's a sexual encounter bound to happen. The pace would have to vary.


If it's supposed to be realistic:
Assume it's more than a generic story of sex is bound to happen, there needs to be something non-generic. Is one breast larger than the other? Does she NOT like being eaten, but love fucking? Would she like having grapes eaten from out of her ass? (You can't use that as a suggestion--without modification-- I put it in a story of mine. ;-)

If it's supposed to be fantasy:
Then in this day of 50,000 stories posted on the 'net, you'd have to add something 'over the top'; Is her clit 3 ins long? Does she gush cum all over the bed? Do her nipples end up battered and chewed? Does she read 2 Corinthians while being eaten out?

Probably this sounds too sharp. The story is not 'bad'. Don't be discouraged since you have the basic tools. Decide what you want to write; it that's clear, the means will seem clearer. I hope there are enough positive suggestions here, but ask questions if you want to hear more.

Best of luck.

 

[TheEarl]

I'll be the first to admit that Anne was a little 2D, but I think <i>"She's the girl all males wanted in high school: "Say the word and she'll fuck like a bunny." She has no inhibitions, and begins with a BJ; what more could a guy ask." </i> is a little harsh.

It's definitely not a pure-fantasy story. Although it's not Catcher in the Rye, there is a plot and some character development. I will never resort to the low-brow porn story.

Incidentally: I've never met a girl who doesn't like being eaten out. Anyone care to disillusion me?

The Earl

 

[wildsweetone]

WS,

While the site has some nice guidelines, the only hard and fast rule around here is whatever KM decides is hard and fast. The "rule of thumb" is that it's as blessed to give as to receive (critique-wise) so KM has usually given preferance to those who've contributed. However, she's now talking about putting up stories just because they'd be interesting to critique.

Hope you find the time to join in the fun.

Rumple Foreskin

uh oh... i have a feeling you guys just wanna get me back for what i said to Earl okay kidding.

i think it would be excellent to submit a story. the more i realise what is possible with the SDC the more i like it damn, this place needs advertising!

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Hi, the Earl,

Glad you're still speaking to me! ;-)

It's good that you're working on plot and character.

You said, in response to what I said *might* be true of a sister/woman character realistically drawn:


Incidentally: I've never met a girl who doesn't like being eaten out. Anyone care to disillusion me?

But that is my point. In every real person, there are several characteristics found only 1/10 and a couple found only in 1/100.

Yes, I have so met. Also some women's reactions are mixed, when feeling about the body and its smells are a bit negative.

 

[Pure]

The Earl,
It's late in the game, but I wanted to say it was a good read. Many of the grammar points, while valid, can be taken care of by an editor. The question is, Can you tell a good story? (in this case, that gets the reader off). I think yes.

One line amused me:
"I'd listened to her argument and could find no real flaw in her logic."

If sis is telling me she'll fuck, I'm sure I'm going to examine the 'logic' of her statements!!!!!!

As far as improvement, well, you could spice it up, a bit, or vary the sequence (it's the standard one).

Keep it up!!

 

[TheEarl]

Thank you Pure. Every extra perspective is welcomed.

Speaking of which: Ding, this story is done. KM, it's time for a new one.

The Earl