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🏡PLP's Bazaar of the Bizarre: A Study Hall for the Deviant and Delightful

PrettyLilPussy19 said:
Is anyone else's reaction to something truly disruptive happening to their day just to call it a wrap on that day and plan to just have a better day tomorrow.

I'm calling it quits for Thursday. If you need me I'll be entertaining myself here or watching AOCs speech and fantasizing about her being mean to me.
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Oh, yes. Sometimes…I just need a do over and know I’m not capable of it (or anything else remotely productive) until I have some time and space.

PrettyLilPussy19 said:
View attachment 2381139
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💯 It’s not just a turn off, but a deal breaker for me.
 
I don't know if anyone else finds writing into the ether a helpful way to process or not but I do! And after a 🎶therapy🎶 session I just want to organize my thoughts in an external way. You don't have to read it or respond (unless you feel similarly! I'd love to hear that.) You definitely aren't invited to give advice but if it helps or resonates with anyone that would be cool. If not, I will post some filth afterword as a pallet cleanser. This silly thread is as close to a blog as I'm ever like to have and this isn't stuff I want to process in the "real world" so, um, Hello B&B Emotional Support Group ... ?

Pushing People Away
I've always had this tendency ever since I was very young. I make it very difficult on people to want to stay close. I'm not mean or drama (usually) but I just go to ice or stone. I'll talk about the reasons later but this tendency in myself has exploded over the last four years. As a person who genuinely enjoys (most) other people and is curious about human nature and who thrives in community and who has really hurt people, I need to get this under control.
Reasons For The Push
1. We have misaligned values. This is the one I don't feel even remotely bad about. It crystalized among the hatred politics and Covid denialism of 2020. It's pretty easy. I have strong beliefs and values, and while I enjoy a good faith debate and learning new things, I don't think arguing is fun or productive. I'm more than happy to be the person to give those people more time in their schedule.
2. I'm overwhelmed. Life is overwhelming. No one taught a class on this in middle school and for that I'd like to sue someone. As person with anxiety and a lovely dash of other brain spiciness, I can juggle things marvelously well until I can't and then I just let everything drop. I close up shop and sit in the corner of my mind. Sure I shower and go to work and feed my dogs but that's about all I can manage. These eras don't last very long but I just vanish.
3. I don't feel like good company. I swear I don't know if anyone else thinks about this like I do and I know I (gasp) overthink about everything. I feel like when I'm in relationship with anyone (friends, more, etc) I should be carrying my side of the conversation and the interest. If I feel boring or like I have nothing good to share, I don't really want to bore or burden someone with that repetitively. Do I ever feel like other people are held to that standard for me? Never. I love to hear my friend's day to day stuff and I'm honored to get to stand with them during difficult times. Why am I unable to give myself the same grace? No clue! Thus 🎶 therapy.
4. Grief. This is the hardest one and one I don't know that I'll ever get right. I've lost people in my life, suddenly, traumatically, forever. I am intimately familiar with grief a few times over so now my brain does this "fun" thing whenever I have deep feelings for someone. It goes - how's it going to feel when they leave? how sad are you going to be when they die? god, you're never going to recover from losing them. My brain is a real cunt, huh? So in order to control that feeling, I preemptively push people away. Does this make grief easier? Not even one little bit. It makes it harder. Will I ever learn? <shrugs>
Reactions To The Push
After having these observations, I've made the concerted effort to reach out, touch base, re-establish some connections, if possible, both here and in (spooky voice) the real world! These have had mixed reactions. And that is totally fair. I don't think you can just put people down and pick them up whenever you feel like it. It's heartless and ego-centric and rude so I don't really blame those people who just don't have the time or desire to put up with my shit but it's been so humbling when the return is met with wide open arms. In general, I've gotten three reactions.
1. Silence. Fucking fair and more power to you. I wish I had the self control and firm boundaries you do.
2. The "good to hear from you!" which is a genuinely kind, check in reaction which is also kept at arms length. I've pushed you away once, the chances that I'd do it again are high and you're hedging your bets. This is usually the camp I fall into when someone comes back around. It takes time to build trust again and find those warm friendly fuzzies but I have absolutely had relationships be resurrected in ways that outshine their first life.
3. The "well it's about time!" The arms wide open, I've missed you, You've been on my mind, You've made my day reaction. These are the real ones. The ones who know you need space but are endlessly patient and understanding. They are few and far between but these are the people who make the world go round. My very best friend (who hopefully has her arms wide open in the next realm) was one of these people and her infinite pool of care and selflessness was why we were friends for 25 years. I have one other person who gave me this reaction this week and I just had to cry. It's such a generous reaction with absolutely zero bravado or self-defense. Totally undeserved and I remain humbled.
How to Prevent The Push
Ideas? Anyone? I think the only thing I've got is to communicate better, both in letting people know when I'm struggling and in just being okay being boring and blah sometimes. Also, allowing other people to step away from me if that's what's best for them and being happy for them in doing so. But also learning to be one of those arms wide open people. I think that we can always change and grow, but the older we get the more difficult it is. I just want to be a little better every ... day? No that's definitely too hard. But maybe every quarter? Year? I think that works. I think it's just as worthwhile to chase the perfect body or tons of cash if that's your thing but for me I want to be better, that's all.



Ok, did you read all that? Are you some sort of masochist? Well... that's hot and your welcome ;) .... and most of all thank you <3
 
Last edited:
 
PrettyLilPussy19 said:
I don't know if anyone else finds writing into the ether a helpful way to process or not but I do! And after a 🎶therapy🎶 session I just want to organize my thoughts in an external way. You don't have to read it or respond (unless you feel similarly! I'd love to hear that.) You definitely aren't invited to give advice but if it helps or resonates with anyone that would be cool. If not, I will post some filth afterword as a pallet cleanser. This silly thread is as close to a blog as I'm ever like to have and this isn't stuff I want to process in the "real world" so, um, Hello B&B Emotional Support Group ... ?

Pushing People Away
I've always had this tendency ever since I was very young. I make it very difficult on people to want to stay close. I'm not mean or drama (usually) but I just go to ice or stone. I'll talk about the reasons later but this tendency in myself has exploded over the last four years. As a person who genuinely enjoys (most) other people and is curious about human nature and who thrives in community and who has really hurt people, I need to get this under control.
Reasons For The Push
1. We have misaligned values. This is the one I don't feel even remotely bad about. It crystalized among the hatred politics and Covid denialism of 2020. It's pretty easy. I have strong beliefs and values, and while I enjoy a good faith debate and learning new things, I don't think arguing is fun or productive. I'm more than happy to be the person to give those people more time in their schedule.
2. I'm overwhelmed. Life is overwhelming. No one taught a class on this in middle school and for that I'd like to sue someone. As person with anxiety and a lovely dash of other brain spiciness, I can juggle things marvelously well until I can't and then I just let everything drop. I close up shop and sit in the corner of my mind. Sure I shower and go to work and feed my dogs but that's about all I can manage. These eras don't last very long but I just vanish.
3. I don't feel like good company. I swear I don't know if anyone else thinks about this like I do and I know I (gasp) overthink about everything. I feel like when I'm in relationship with anyone (friends, more, etc) I should be carrying my side of the conversation and the interest. If I feel boring or like I have nothing good to share, I don't really want to bore or burden someone with that repetitively. Do I ever feel like other people are held to that standard for me? Never. I love to hear my friend's day to day stuff and I'm honored to get to stand with them during difficult times. Why am I unable to give myself the same grace? No clue! Thus 🎶 therapy.
4. Grief. This is the hardest one and one I don't know that I'll ever get right. I've lost people in my life, suddenly, traumatically, forever. I am intimately familiar with grief a few times over so now my brain does this "fun" thing whenever I have deep feelings for someone. It goes - how's it going to feel when they leave? how sad are you going to be when they die? god, you're never going to recover from losing them. My brain is a real cunt, huh? So in order to control that feeling, I preemptively push people away. Does this make grief easier? Not even one little bit. It makes it harder. Will I ever learn? <shrugs>
Reactions To The Push
After having these observations, I've made the concerted effort to reach out, touch base, re-establish some connections, if possible, both here and in (spooky voice) the real world! These have had mixed reactions. And that is totally fair. I don't think you can just put people down and pick them up whenever you feel like it. It's heartless and ego-centric and rude so I don't really blame those people who just don't have the time or desire to put up with my shit but it's been so humbling when the return is met with wide open arms. In general, I've gotten three reactions.
1. Silence. Fucking fair and more power to you. I wish I had the self control and firm boundaries you do.
2. The "good to hear from you!" which is a genuinely kind, check in reaction which is also kept at arms length. I've pushed you away once, the chances that I'd do it again are high and you're hedging your bets. This is usually the camp I fall into when someone comes back around. It takes time to build trust again and find those warm friendly fuzzies but I have absolutely had relationships be resurrected in ways that outshine their first life.
3. The "well it's about time!" The arms wide open, I've missed you, You've been on my mind, You've made my day reaction. These are the real ones. The ones who know you need space but are endlessly patient and understanding. They are few and far between but these are the people who make the world go round. My very best friend (who hopefully has her arms wide open in the next realm) was one of these people and her infinite pool of care and selflessness was why we were friends for 25 years. I have one other person who gave me this reaction this week and I just had to cry. It's such a generous reaction with absolutely zero bravado or self-defense. Totally undeserved and I remain humbled.
How to Prevent The Push
Ideas? Anyone? I think the only thing I've got is to communicate better, both in letting people know when I'm struggling and in just being okay being boring and blah sometimes. Also, allowing other people to step away from me if that's what's best for them and being happy for them in doing so. But also learning to be one of those arms wide open people. I think that we can always change and grow, but the older we get the more difficult it is. I just want to be a little better every ... day? No that's definitely too hard. But maybe every quarter? Year? I think that works. I think it's just as worthwhile to chase the perfect body or tons of cash if that's your thing but for me I want to be better, that's all.



Ok, did you read all that? Are you some sort of masochist? Well... that's hot and your welcome ;) .... and most of all thank you <3
Click to expand...
I was all prepared to be in one of these phases right now myself and back away from Lit, but I couldn’t not respond when your post resonates in many ways.

I don’t have answers, but can offer hugs 🫂 And that I’m always happy when I hear from you ❤️
 
LadyLascivious1 said:
I was all prepared to be in one of these phases right now myself and back away from Lit, but I couldn’t not respond when your post resonates in many ways.

I don’t have answers, but can offer hugs 🫂 And that I’m always happy when I hear from you ❤️
Click to expand...
Do what you need to do, my friend. Take care of yourself but I'll be here with berries when you poke your nose out of the cave. 😉🥰
 
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