✨Highlights and Bombshells💥

[Love_Is_Blonde]

Been trying to teach my kids this for their whole lives. This is a great visual of it though!

I thought so too. I got it off of LinkedIn, strangely enough. And what a great lesson to learn so young!

I think it’s really hard to stay focused on what I can control when I THINK I hear whisperings and grumblings about what others think about what I’m doing or about me. (My vanity at play, probably). Now, whether this is real or just my perception is questionable. I am getting better about trying to just worry about myself rather than spreading myself too thin by concerning myself with everyone else’s perceptions.

This is a topic I want to revisit soon and I have some notes started: when advice conflicts with one another.

I don’t think I can adequately explain how much I relate to this. Or your explanation.

I agree that this was so well stated. The antisocial pillow princess analogy - I need to steal that. But sometimes I just don’t know what to say, and I want to soak it all in and I need to process what has been said.

One thing I really wish that I could change about myself and that I envy about some of the more prolific posters here is their ability to process info quickly and respond in a timely manner. They can come back with a witty response so immediately! I take time to think. And it is slow - really slow - sometimes. But there have been times when I have been impulsive and posted back right away and it hasn’t reflected what I really think. I have let my emotions dictate it and that hasn’t been good bc I can be a hot head. So I try my best to bite my tongue and not engage if I’m angry or annoyed so that I don’t say something really mean that I will regret and that doesn’t reflect my true thoughts.

Great thread @Love_Is_Blonde I hope catching up and reacting to the first seven pages didn’t bother anyone. While I could have yellow highlighted and responded to every comment and post no one wants to see that much yellow highlighter from me.

I LOVE that you used the Blonde Highlight feature! I was tickled to see that this morning!

Instead I will touch on a few things (all yellow highlightable).

I’m hoping playing catch up is ok.
I’m a go with the flow kind of person. I like directions so I can then add stops and detour to points of interest but with a general idea of where I’m going.

A general direction is a nice start and then little detours sounds like a nice mix.

I’m as likely to initiate and take the lead as I am to follow.
I love audio threads. I love to listen to people and I love to talk. A voice helps me feel a connection to a person. I also think I express myself better in an audio than I ever do in writing. I’m not eloquent but in a recording I my tone or intention is not confused the way it is when I write. This is something I find super frustrating and often leads to me overexplaining to try and get my point across.

I love hearing people’s voices. Some voices melt me.

I want to participate, and I have in the past. I just need to have time and privacy and those are two things I rarely have.

I’m used to be an early bird but COVID killed that so now I am a night owl and a groggy bird.

Haha I love the image of a groggy bird.

 

[StacyLeigh]

Thank you for these suggestions! I read Hannah’s The Women a few months back and I really enjoyed it. It was a story that was unique- to me, at least. The Nightingale is on my list of books I’d like to read.

I haven’t heard of Think Again, and I’ll admit that non-fiction is a genre that I don’t read as often as I should. Being in bookclubs encourages me to branch out and so I appreciate this recommendation. Just by reading the short synopsis, I think I’d like it. Rethinking- I wonder what it says about those of us who question our thinking too much?

Have you read the Let Them Theory? I just finished that one. It was helpful, especially for overthinkers.

In all transparency, I'm not a Mel Robbins fan. Her ideas are really just repackages of existing concepts like Stoicism and detachment without offering novel insights.

Specifically regarding the "Let Them Theory" - the idea of telling people to "just let them" can bypass the nuanced emotional, psychological, and situational dynamics that exist in relationships. It also leans on disengagement as a coping mechanism instead of healthy confrontation/communication. All that said, "Let Them" is more of a mindset shift than a researched framework for behavior change - so take it for what it is.

*Disclaimer: This overlaps heavily with the line of work I am in so my views are likely more pointed than others and this reading/approach might be a great entry point to personal/professional development for many.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

In all transparency, I'm not a Mel Robbins fan. Her ideas are really just repackages of existing concepts like Stoicism and detachment without offering novel insights.

Specifically regarding the "Let Them Theory" - the idea of telling people to "just let them" can bypass the nuanced emotional, psychological, and situational dynamics that exist in relationships. It also leans on disengagement as a coping mechanism instead of healthy confrontation/communication. All that said, "Let Them" is more of a mindset shift than a researched framework for behavior change - so take it for what it is.

*Disclaimer: This overlaps heavily with the line of work I am in so my views are likely more pointed than others and this reading/approach might be a great entry point to personal/professional development for many.

This was a large portion of our conversation in my bookclub- not nearly as well stated as you put it though. We were more like, “so I’m just supposed to not feel sad??”
In the book, there was an example of a friend group all going on a trip and leaving one person out, and that one person was supposed to “let them” go ahead on with the trip and put that left out feeling energy towards doing something for herself and making better use of her time. I had a really hard time with this. I know, in theory, how that could possibly, arguably, be advice one could follow. But not for an emotional person like me. That would really hurt my feelings and I’d be wondering why I wasn’t included.

Also, after learning a bit more about Mel and her husband, and how they treated people during some of their shows, I wasn’t totally sold on her advice. But her book wasn’t all bad and it has some good talking points, one being to keep in mind that one only has control over what they do, and not over someone else.

 

[cheekygirl75]

I don’t think I can adequately explain how much I relate to this. Or your explanation.


Dungeon Crawler Carl. I’m on book 5 and I regularly laugh out loud. They’re fun, hilarious, and insightful. I’d describe them as a mix of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Ready Player One, Hunger Games, and Squid Game.

I’m dreading catching up and then having to wait for the rest of the books.

Oh, that series sounds amazing - why does my library only have the e-version of the first book and in French!?

 

[QuietCanadian]

My biggest concern with Mel Robbins is that she is not educated or trained in the things she talks and writes books about. She has a degree in history, law, and did not go back to school to educate her on the things she does now. I couldn't (and wouldn't) go practice law without an education in it, and she's teaching people about mental health without a background or education, that's dangerous.

I agree with everything @StacyLeigh said above, everything she's telling us is her lived experience (as a very well off individual) or she read in another book by someone who does spend their life educating themselves on the things they teach.

And to one of @Love_Is_Blonde's points which is 100% true, you don't just not feel sad, upset, angry, etc. Maybe she gets into in her book, but you are actually supposed to feel those things. Do you control a lot of things in your mindset? Certainly. Does that mean you don't get to be mad/angry/sad if someone does something to you? Hard no. You definitely get to and you should feel those emotions.

I think that's about as nice as I can be talking about her and I know she's wildly popular, so I'll stop.

 

[LadyLascivious1]

Oh, that series sounds amazing - why does my library only have the e-version of the first book and in French!?

All the current seven books are free with Kindle Unlimited if you have that!

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

Wow If I were to pick one person who embodied old school glam (not clam, thank you autocorrect) it would be Marilyn.

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[SimonSex]

No arguments here.

 

[Mei5ter]

In all transparency, I'm not a Mel Robbins fan. Her ideas are really just repackages of existing concepts like Stoicism and detachment without offering novel insights.

I agree with everything @StacyLeigh said above, everything she's telling us is her lived experience (as a very well off individual) or she read in another book by someone who does spend their life educating themselves on the things they teach.

I know precisely nothing about Mel Robbins, but it did strike me that you could both equally be describing Marcus Aurelius. But your point that detachment is far easier when you're wealthy and privileged is an excellent one. Anyway. Where was I...

"Let Them" is more of a mindset shift than a researched framework for behavior change - so take it for what it is.

to keep in mind that one only has control over what they do, and not over someone else.

And, for me, these points go together. It's about what I personally can  control. If my friends go off on a road trip without me, I'm still going to feel hurt, upset, excluded and angry. But I suppose "Let Them..." stops me going down the toxic route of thinking "If I had behaved differently to them, they'd treat me better." Is that the point of it?

But the main thing I noticed about the diagram @Love_Is_Blonde posted was the top left corner. Because you can't control the behaviour of others by what you do, but you can influence it. And societies work best when we act in ways that expect kindness from those around us, and invite others to mirror the positive behaviour we show. But it's just important to recognise that there are limits to this, and that it isn't necessarily our fault if others won't behave kindly to us.

It's not a philosophy for life, but it can be helpful to bear in mind in specific situations? It's good (and healthy) to remember that it needn't be our fault when people don't behave well to us, and we can't compel them to do otherwise.

In fact, maybe that should be a Lit sticky?

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

Thinking a little more about self-help books; they are not a genre that I usually gravitate towards. I appreciate one trying to work on themselves, better themselves, find answers. I do think that, obviously, you can learn things by reading books. I can learn how to build something, or the history of something. I can learn a new theory or about the solar system, or about how our minds work. But does that transfer over to learning about bettering ourselves or getting over a trauma of some sort?

Do self help books work? If so, have you found any that you would recommend?

 

[birdy]

Thinking a little more about self-help books; they are not a genre that I usually gravitate towards. I appreciate one trying to work on themselves, better themselves, find answers. I do think that, obviously, you can learn things by reading books. I can learn how to build something, or the history of something. I can learn a new theory or about the solar system, or about how our minds work. But does that transfer over to learning about bettering ourselves or getting over a trauma of some sort?

Do self help books work? If so, have you found any that you would recommend?

I think it depends on what you're looking for and how the author presents their information. The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk is my favorite book about how trauma both physical and emotional becomes trapped in the body over time when it isn't dealt with, resulting in disease. It's a dry read, so listening to it is sometimes better if you enjoy audio.

Another favorite of mine is Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche by Robert A. Johnson. Again, I think it depends on the content you're looking for. I've read a lot of books on working through old emotional trauma and being present with your 'self', and those are my top picks.

 

[StacyLeigh]

I know precisely nothing about Mel Robbins, but it did strike me that you could both equally be describing Marcus Aurelius. But your point that detachment is far easier when you're wealthy and privileged is an excellent one. Anyway. Where was I...


And, for me, these points go together. It's about what I personally can  control. If my friends go off on a road trip without me, I'm still going to feel hurt, upset, excluded and angry. But I suppose "Let Them..." stops me going down the toxic route of thinking "If I had behaved differently to them, they'd treat me better." Is that the point of it?

But the main thing I noticed about the diagram @Love_Is_Blonde posted was the top left corner. Because you can't control the behaviour of others by what you do, but you can influence it. And societies work best when we act in ways that expect kindness from those around us, and invite others to mirror the positive behaviour we show. But it's just important to recognise that there are limits to this, and that it isn't necessarily our fault if others won't behave kindly to us.

It's not a philosophy for life, but it can be helpful to bear in mind in specific situations? It's good (and healthy) to remember that it needn't be our fault when people don't behave well to us, and we can't compel them to do otherwise.

In fact, maybe that should be a Lit sticky?

You noted something I’ve been feeling but hadn’t quite put into words. “Let Them” strikes me as less of an insight and more of a slogan that’s gained outsized clout thanks to social media. It’s not wrong, per se - it just isn’t new. It’s a simplified version of what many philosophies and thinkers (yes, including Marcus Aurelius!) have been exploring for centuries: the balance between control and acceptance.

The catch is, when it’s reduced to a catchphrase, it can easily flatten nuance. It risks sounding like emotional disengagement dressed up as empowerment. Sure, it might help in very specific moments when you need to stop spiraling into self-blame - but it’s hardly a comprehensive or sustainable way to approach relationships.

I agree with you that influence matters. Kindness, reciprocity, community - they all play a role - and pretending we should just shrug when people let us down feels a bit too passive to be useful in real life. So yes, maybe helpful in some situations, but let’s not confuse a viral quote with actual wisdom.

Thinking a little more about self-help books; they are not a genre that I usually gravitate towards. I appreciate one trying to work on themselves, better themselves, find answers. I do think that, obviously, you can learn things by reading books. I can learn how to build something, or the history of something. I can learn a new theory or about the solar system, or about how our minds work. But does that transfer over to learning about bettering ourselves or getting over a trauma of some sort?

Do self help books work? If so, have you found any that you would recommend?

I'm not a big reader of self-help either. It often leans into quick fixes and motivational soundbites (Do these 5 things and you'll be happier!). I perfer personal development. It tends to be more nuanced and growth-oriented while acknowledging complexity. Less of a product, more of a process.

Some of my favorites:

• Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
• Range by David Epstein
• Atomic Habits by James Clear
• The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte
• Do Less by Kate Northrup

 

[SimonSex]

I think it depends on what you're looking for and how the author presents their information. The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk is my favorite book about how trauma both physical and emotional becomes trapped in the body over time when it isn't dealt with, resulting in disease. It's a dry read, so listening to it is sometimes better if you enjoy audio.

Another favorite of mine is Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche by Robert A. Johnson. Again, I think it depends on the content you're looking for. I've read a lot of books on working through old emotional trauma and being present with your 'self', and those are my top picks.

Agreed, Birdy. I read The Body Keeps The Score last year and found it immensely enlightening on several levels. Firstly, Dr. Van der Kolk had amassed thousands of hours of on-the-job intel and clinical research before setting pen to paper for us. He didn’t need to write The Body… to prove his success, but rather to actually help more people. My belief is that far too many self-help author’s primary motivation is to help themselves to a book deal. I cannot recommend this book more highly to anyone - even if you think you are not in need of healing! (We all are)

Rather than typical self-help books, I usually turn to how-to books. I am in my early sixties and with what I consider to be a healthy appetite for life as well as lifelong learning. The things that I wish to become competent at (writing, archery, yoga) are attainable and well documented through experts and practitioners. Learning new things is a mitzvah to the self, and that is a brand of self-help that I can subscribe to.

 

[cheekygirl75]

Thinking a little more about self-help books; they are not a genre that I usually gravitate towards. I appreciate one trying to work on themselves, better themselves, find answers. I do think that, obviously, you can learn things by reading books. I can learn how to build something, or the history of something. I can learn a new theory or about the solar system, or about how our minds work. But does that transfer over to learning about bettering ourselves or getting over a trauma of some sort?

Do self help books work? If so, have you found any that you would recommend?

I have a healthy skepticism about self-help books. And I’m curious about the difference between self-help and personal development like @StacyLeigh mentioned. What makes a book one and not the other?

I’m not sure which category it would fit in, but one book I’ve enjoyed and feel I got benefit from was The Happiness Trap. It’s based on Acceptance and Commitment therapy and basically advocates knowing your life goals and finding any small way to work toward them, while acknowledging that progress might be small or there might be painful things along the way.

 

[StacyLeigh]

I have a healthy skepticism about self-help books. And I’m curious about the difference between self-help and personal development like @StacyLeigh mentioned. What makes a book one and not the other?

I’m not sure which category it would fit in, but one book I’ve enjoyed and feel I got benefit from was The Happiness Trap. It’s based on Acceptance and Commitment therapy and basically advocates knowing your life goals and finding any small way to work toward them, while acknowledging that progress might be small or there might be painful things along the way.

I would say that Self-Help is "Fix Yourself" and Personal Dev is "Know yourself and grow" - just based on my observations.

The Happiness Trap is a great read! I would says it falls into the personal development category. It challenges the myth that we should always feel good - and that alone puts it miles ahead of a lot of traditional self-help books.

 

[QuietCanadian]

Do self help books work? If so, have you found any that you would recommend?

I think the short answer is yes, they certainly can, though self-help has always been a silly term to me. I tend to think of most things that I would read in this area as personal growth. I also typically stick to experts in their fields/teachings and honestly I don't read that many. I feel like reading too many of these books has them all feeling the same after a while.

I haven't read anything earth shattering lately, I do listen to a podcast semi-regularly that I really enjoy though. It's in the same realm of I can't listen all the time because it gets too much, but...

The Imperfects w/ Hugh van Cuylenburg. Not all episodes are for me, but some that I really enjoyed...

Season 5 - Episode 26 - Dr. Richard Harris
Season 5 - Episodes 4, 5 - Ben Crowe
Season 6 - Episode 3 - Adam Grant
Season 4 - Episodes 37, 38 - Kate Reid
Season 5 - Episode 23 - Laura Henshaw

And...

Anything with psychologist Dr. Emily Musgrove. Some more than others, but she's brilliant and always has great takeaways. She also has a book coming out that I am excited to read based on these pods, Unstuck. It comes out next month.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

I need to get more in the habit of listening to podcasts. Thank you for these suggestions.

I like the terms “Fix Yourself” and “Personal Development” better too. Seems like more of a journey. I think that one of the reasons I’m leery of self help books is because it feels phony or that the author really doesn’t know what he or she is talking about, much of the time. And they are out to just make a quick buck or name for themselves.
It’s different when it’s more clear that either they have some evidence based research, or that they may be an average Joe, but they are up front about that and don’t claim to be some mage with all the answers if you just pay 4 easy installments of $19.99.

 

[Lmizzler]

Do self help books work? If so, have you found any that you would recommend?

Self help books work if you want them to work. No change will happen if you aren’t willing to act.

So it could be full of genius level information or completely crap. But unless you are willing to make a change yourself, then the info in the book or podcast will never matter.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

Self help books work if you want them to work. No change will happen if you aren’t willing to act.

So it could be full of genius level information or completely crap. But unless you are willing to make a change yourself, then the info in the book or podcast will never matter.

Sometimes it takes a few reads. Or a few times for someone to tell me something before it sinks in or before I process it. Or before I’m in the right mindset to internalize it.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

Ooh this is a good one to end the day with. Sweet dreams.

 

[Lmizzler]

Ooh this is a good one to end the day with. Sweet dreams.

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Thanks for the reminder

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Ooh this is a good one to end the day with. Sweet dreams.

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Missed the pic, but appreciate this sentiment.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

Missed the pic, but appreciate this sentiment.

I have been struggling with this dumb pic…

Imgbb is making it difficult to be subtle!

 

[Lmizzler]

I have been struggling with this dumb pic…

Imgbb is making it difficult to be subtle!

It worked for me @AngelicaS1780
Not rubbing it in. Just saying it’s somewhat working.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

It worked for me @AngelicaS1780
Not rubbing it in. Just saying it’s somewhat working.

It’s working now.