What ignited that first spark in you?

First, let me just say that I can be a bit of a thread whore when I first join a message board. So if you see new threads popping up all over the place started by me, it's just because I need to work it out of my system. (and I want 100 posts so that I can get a damn avatar...lol)

I'm sure this subject has been posted before, but since it's the first time I'm asking...here goes...

What attracted you to BDSM? Was it something you saw when you were younger? Were you abused/raped and that's perhaps what started your brain on the path? What was it that "flipped that switch" in your head to make you realize that "vanilla" sex would never be enough for you?

(let me just say that I realize BDSM gets a bad rap as it is in the "regular" media and I'm not putting it down in any why by suggesting the abuse connection....I just notice that some who are into BDSM have had some experience with some type of abuse, etc)


Discuss....

Soulfiregirl said:

Discuss....

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No! I refuse! And you can't make me!

Um, actually I ran into all this online, and realized that I'm not a freak (well not totally), and that their were others with fantasy's like mine. But as to the fantasy's, well I've always had them. As long as I can remember I've fantasized about being tied up and all that. It's just the way I am.

I thought I was a freak until I discovered the Internet as well.

But in hindsight, if I knew then what I knew now, I would not have gone down this road.

I am beginning to hate my submissive side and wish I could stamp it out.

The twist is, I don't think I can be content in 'nilla land and there is no joy for me in BDSM land.

hmm, two things, the stories here, and a friend of mine (calls herself gustav). And I never felt like a freak, had it not been for gustav I may have but she helped me, just in a very simple way; words of encouragement .

First, let me just say that I can be a bit of a thread whore when I first join a message board.. .

I am ROFL - we are a lot alike!

While my husband and I enjoy a primarily vanilla lifestyle, the BDSM comes into play every once in a while. I'd like it to be more with more of a 'mental' control over me, submission, if you will. . .he is now just beginning to fully realize what I mean. (It's only taken 20 or so years!) I want my mind to be fucked, my body will follow - receptively & willingly!

But what I remember as probably the very first spark would be when I was 9 or 10 years old back in the 70's. I went to the airport to pick up the dad of a friend's family with the whole crew. While waiting for his plane to land, there isn't much for kids to do AND be good at the same time so we went to the gift shop. Among all the magazines 'in the open' was a National Lampoon and on the cover was a girl bent over the knee of a man and she was wearing a Catholic school girl's uniform. The skirt was pulled up over her very white, rounded cheeks as the man's hand was raised over them like he was going to spank her.

A queer feeling went through me all the way to 'down there' - and being too young to realize what that deliciously queer feeling was, the mental image of that girl in the uniform with her vunerable buttocks in the open ready to be spanked has always stuck with me.

On the other hand, when dad took off his belt, or mom got out the wooden spoon, panic and fear would sweep through me - never ANY sexual association with getting a whuppin' *from them.*

But when I am bent oven my husband's knee, with my vunerable, naked ass in the air and I know the smacks will soon come interspersed with his fingers sliding over my clit, or probing my wet pussy or rosebud, it is pure bliss. It is being under control in a totally unexplainable way. It is a way to Let Go.

The bondage is what does it for me - not being able to move while experiencing the tactile pleasures of the flesh is an ionospheric high. Sometimes freedom of movement takes away from the true experience of the flesh and mind. Not being able to stop what he's doing to me is where the submission is an explosive high, even though I know that *I* am the one in control with a safeword. But I would like to explore even more of a submissive role.

The very best, honest, sexual conversation we ever had was one night when he stuck a ball gag in my mouth to stop me from from bitchin' about something totally unrelated to sex. The only way I could 'talk" was on the computer screen through the keyboard. He asked the questions and I typed out the answers. The gag in itself turned me on and I immediately became submissive. It was weird, but in a good sort of way!

I have been atracted to this for as long as I can rember. I remeber playing master and slave instead of mom and dad when I was as young as 7. 16 yrs later i still havent acted on it, thinking that people will label me as weird. But I have tought about it since then. The older I got, the more I’ve wanted to do it. I’m determined to do I now. I just need to find the right person.

first thought

being in major vanilla sex for some time - my SO and I ventured into a threesome (MMF)...during a very hot fuck from the young stud we brought in he started smacking my ass...OMG!!!! I loved it!!!! Never thought of it before, never considered it...but whew that was fun...we have gotten together many times over the past few months and I can't wait for the smacking to begin.....

I don't know where it came from. I remember having Ken and GI Joe tie up Barbie and Midge when I was a little kid. When we played cowboys and indians, I wanted to be the one tied to a post. When I started having sexual fantasies, they were about being forced to do things and about being controlled. I am who and what I am.

I think my first leather related urges were seeing a contingent of the GMSMA in full leather in the 80's during a hallloween parade in the village and feeling very funny "down there" as someone else described it. I felt very weird about wanting to be snatched up by hairy gay men in leather, so I didn't say anything about it.

Different parts of me have awoken to BDSM at different times. As a very competitive, controlling, alpha sort of person I always liked the idea of having a partner who would submit to me.

However, I do seperate that from my sadistic side that I think was developed from negative beliefs and experiences early in my life.

Interestingly enough, I'm starting to notice that as I get more comfortable with a person, I become more controlling and less sadistic. I do enjoy being sadistic, but there are times where I still feel guilty about being so evil.

Desdemona said:

I don't know where it came from. I remember having Ken and GI Joe tie up Barbie and Midge when I was a little kid. When we played cowboys and indians, I wanted to be the one tied to a post. When I started having sexual fantasies, they were about being forced to do things and about being controlled. I am who and what I am.

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Ditto to the cowboys and indians thing - also remember playing Roman slave with my brother and wanting him to tie me up. As far back as I can remember I've had fantasies of being tied up and controlled, even before I knew the feelings I had were sexual. It's just the way I was born I think - and I'm so glad now that I get to act out those fantasies, even though I'm a late starter

......

......

OK, I never admitted this to anyone before but I definitely used to like tying my sisters up and bossing them around as a kid. Also, I can remember my mother getting upset about this and not understanding why.

I was thinking about this earlier, too....

When I was younger, I remember the timeframe when I thought about sex the most. I think someone told me sex was bad/dirty. Every time I thought about it or got aroused, I would punish myself. I did some painful things to myself. The most painful would have been the time I punched myself in the ribs repeatedly (I think 100 times on each side). I could hardly breathe for a couple of days from the pain. I did a lot of tit torture, too. I tortured myself in many many ways. Then, I grew up and guys would always be pretty rough with me. I would complain to my friends, but secretly it turned me on to be in pain for a couple of days after a crazy night of sex. The entire time I was in pain, afterward, I would not be able to stop thinking about what happened and getting turned on all over again.

I lost my virginity when I was soooo drunk I couldn't move and push him off of me. I was puking blood. My sister and a couple of friends were there, on the floor, we were on the couch. Hhmmm......My sister called me a slut and thought I wanted to do it. That's why she didn't help me.

How's that for my first post, lol? But, I never realized there was a huge group of people that were into this until years after all of this....

I've gonne thru a lot of responses here. Its very intersting that quite a few people have felt this way since kids. Like someone else very well put it "before I knew they were sexual urges". I wonder if maybe from birth we are just wired different than the rest? Or maybe the rest of people are too scared to admit they are wired like us since they were born?

chagrin said:

I thought I was a freak until I discovered the Internet as well.

But in hindsight, if I knew then what I knew now, I would not have gone down this road.

I am beginning to hate my submissive side and wish I could stamp it out.

The twist is, I don't think I can be content in 'nilla land and there is no joy for me in BDSM land.

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This post makes me sad. Do you have someone you can talk to about these feelings? It's never to late to change. Would being dominant help you to feel more joy again? Or have you grown weary of this lifestyle overall.

I'll say it again: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE. I believe there was a thread started in this forum somewhere last week about how to find a therapist who can councel those who are into BDSM. Would something like that help perhaps?

If you no longer find joy in being submissive or in BDSM land, then maybe it's time for a change? I wish you luck and take care of yourself ok?


*hug*

Well, I suppose since I started this thread, I should post my own early experience. (some of you know this crap about me already from my PM's)

My father never molested me but he exposed me to some bondage pornography at a young age. I was only five when I was sitting next to him on the couch. I looked over and noticed he was reading a magazine. He didn't bother to close the magazine or shoo me away while I was sitting right next to him looking at the pictures he was looking at. My mother always wondered if that was an early attempt of his to "set me up" for the future. If it hadn't been for her, he might have gone ahead and taken the next step. He admitted to her years later as I was starting to develope that he was developing sexual feelings for me. She told him not to act on them. (She was being abused by him and she was very submissive so it's not like she could be that assertive with him)

Luckily, he listened to her and didn't go farther then tickling me in my "private area" when I was younger. And at the time it was just tickling. He never "rubbed" me or inserted anything. But I told him to stop doing it when I got older and I got mad and he couldn't understand why. Then he asked my mom about it and she told him older girls don't like to be tickled there. He stopped. It's odd. He'd listen to her on stuff like that but then he'd go and punch her over something he claimed she did to upset him.

Anyway, the picture that I happened to see that day that my dad was looking at was a naked woman bound in chains. That image stuck with me for years and when I got a little older and I started masturbating, I would "tie" myself up with string or whatever in my bedroom under the covers. I would pretend I was a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued. I'd pinch my nipples, etc. I was always pretending that I was tied up. I'm an artist and at a very young age I started sketching women who were tied up. My mom would look at the drawings and say, "Oh, very nice...but why is she tied up?" I never knew what to tell her because I didn't really know why myself.

Over the years, I saw various movies, or porn, etc that would turn me on and they usually involved women or sometimes men being bound, etc. So, I guess that's where it started for me. But now it's not a dark thing that I'm ashamed of. It's something that I'd just really like to enjoy with someone. I like more "playful" kind of bondage. I'm not really into the "mind fucking" yet. But, time will tell I guess...

Re: Re: What ignited that first spark in you?

graceanne said:

No! I refuse! And you can't make me!

Um, actually I ran into all this online, and realized that I'm not a freak (well not totally), and that their were others with fantasy's like mine. But as to the fantasy's, well I've always had them. As long as I can remember I've fantasized about being tied up and all that. It's just the way I am.

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Really...what she said.

I always wished I had someone who would take control, act in a dominating fashion , etc, but never seemed to date anyone who was of that bent until after college.

Fortunately, I gradually began meeting the right people...

I think that I, on some level, felt that all females should be at my beck and call. When this infantile level of desire crashed headlong in the actual workaday reality of the world as we know it, my BDSM identity was born.

Many years ago a good friend of mine in a long, lonely night told me something that happened the night before with his sub. So I perked my ears up and was like "what, submarine boat? what sub?"

He precided to tell me it is his female sub and he is a dom. We were good friends (never sexual, but we shared everything with each other informationwise) so I started to quiz him. Probably played "30 stupid question vanilla people ask about BDSM". Anyway, he answered me every single one of them. I back then declared I could never ever be submissive, and hey, I was already back then vey dominant in my normal life.

Anyhow, I just put this aside and declared it all to be nothing for me. Over the years I did a lot of soul searching and I found out that I hate it when a guy pushes me into a dominant position in bed.

Had about a year ago a short affair. Turns out this guy loved to be in the role of a Daddydom. But instead of thinking of it funny (he wasnt that old and not that typical big burly Daddy image) it was just right, I felt sooo comfortable, especially as this was something we only did in play, he fully accepted that I was a succesful person in real life who made all her own decision and who cant be commanded to do anything.
So, I accepted that I have strong submissive tendencies, even if only in play and only with the right partner.

I met someone who awoke something up in me. That odd quickening of the senses and discomfort for what I was feeling.

I was in R.O.T.C. in High School. Graduated as a Lt. Colonel and was known for making my subordinates cry. Doesn't sound like much unless you take into account that I stood about 5' 0" tall and weighed 100 lbs. soaking wet. The pussy rush of seeing a hulking football player snap to attention, quake during inspection, scream Ma'am, Yes Ma'am so severely his typically low voice cracked and ultimately hiding behind his friends as I walked down the hall...

...priceless.

The kinky-n-perv developed later, but the power/control was what started it all.

Eh.. I clicked "reply" before even figuring out what to answer...

To be honest Im not sure. As far as I can remember the most important thing to me has been making sure that everyone like me. Physical way is somehow obvious way to be sure about that. I mean when you touch someone their reaction is more clear than just when saying "hi". This of course leads to sex too. When giving sexual pleasure to someone I can usually have inner peace because the response is so clear - "s/he likes me doing this".

Of course this sounds kind of submissive and it is. But its not like willing to give up power or control. More like I would try to manipulate people to give responses I want to get. Hmm... back to subject. So I have interest for all sexual things. I need to know what turns people on and be able to do it myself too. For example when I was younger I thought all guys want anal sex. So I really havent ever even thought that I wouldnt have it - it really wasnt a question for me whether I would like it or not.

With internet and and couple books I as a curious person looked through everything that related to sex and pretty much imagined myself trying every single thing. I would probably tried everything already if my ex boyfriend wouldnt have been so totally vanilla and boring. Thinking about it now it good he was because I might question the motivation behind my eargerness.

But to return to subject again it was only couple years ago when I really discovered whats my cup of tea - what really gets me going. So was the spark when I started to think about sex and all possible ways to have it, or when I really discovered what I would personally have. I dont know.

Sorry for loong post

I'm revamping that...
yeah I tied myself up as a kid, bossed people around, all of that
but what really got me going down this path was the first time I did a scene

I had a guy licking my stack-heeled maryjanes

and the second his tongue made contact with my shoe I was in heaven and knew that everything I thought about myself was totally on target