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Submission, and Fear of Committment

~ Emmeline ~

~ Emmeline ~

Really Really Experienced
Joined
Feb 15, 2003
Posts
304
Complete Submission, and Fear of Committing To It

Unable to turn up any threads in the library that dealt with this subject, I would like to pose this question to any submissives that would consider sharing their experiences.

As a novice submissive, did you ever experience a true fear of your ability to give yourself to your Dominant completely?

Your heart, body and soul belong to your Dominant. You trust him or her completely. You are such a perfect match for each other that there should be no problem with a real committment. Your needs are being met, your limits respected. You are completely open and honest with each other. You want more than anything to commit to the relationship and belong to him or her completely, but then...

FEAR. Wondering if you can really do this. Wondering how far you can go because being a true submissive may require you to give up your ability to make important decisions, your ability to walk out the door without permission. You may no longer be able to make financial decisions, or go shopping for a new dress without permission. You may even be required to ask permission to speak if you have a difference of opinion with your Dominant. I suppose that I could go on and on here, but I think the premise is fairly clear.

How did you deal with your own fear of giving complete control to another? I'm not interested in hearing beautiful, fluffy stories about how you gained freedom through submission. I want to hear from others that may have struggled with the same thing. How did you come to terms with it mentally and emotionally? How did you finally arrive at the point where you could sign that contract or agreement, and no longer harbor any fear?
 
wow this couldn't have been found by me at a better time. i am currently involved with a man that i refer to as my 'trainer'. we are both rather new at d/s, with me having a bit more experience at the time we started. since then, i have been brought to more limits than i have ever been pushed to and i want more each time. he wants me to 'beg' for my collar, but he has informed me what it would mean by me doing so, and that has scared me greatly. i'd like nothing more than to drop to my knees and beg for his collar. we are so wonderfully matched in many areas. but a big part of me says no. to be denied my 'safeword' is just one of the many things he has said that would happen. then there is the fact that i also have a 22 yr old daughter. he once said that if i were to be collared by him, if he wanted her, i was to arrange that too, something i have no intention of ever doing. now since that conversation, he has told me that under no circumstances would he approach my daughter unless she makes the first move. which ain't likely to happen. but still....i have that nagging thought in my head anyway. meanwhile, everytime we are together, the urge to be collared by him runs like thru my brain like a wildfire. should i? shouldn't i? it goes on and on.

as for the commitment part, that's a whole another ball of wax. at both of our ages [his 45 me 49] we have both been so burned by bad relationships that the thought of getting involved that close has the two of us keeping each other at a distance. now i do have rather strong feelings for him, i could even say i do love him, but he is much stronger than me in keeping a close rein on his emotions. i feel that he does harbor the same feelings as me, but with a wall that would put the great wall of china to shame, it's hard for me to be certain. all i can say is that he shows me every other way that he loves me without saying those 3 words. maybe i should just be happy with that, but hey, i'm a female, that just ain't gonna happen with me. lol

while i'm not asking for advice, feedback is welcomed.

rhody

it's a dog eat dog world and i'm wearing milk bone underwear

if you ain't weird, then you are.
 
~ Emmeline ~ said:
Complete Submission, and Fear of Committing To It

Unable to turn up any threads in the library that dealt with this subject, I would like to pose this question to any submissives that would consider sharing their experiences.

As a novice submissive, did you ever experience a true fear of your ability to give yourself to your Dominant completely?

*snip for brevity*

How did you deal with your own fear of giving complete control to another? I'm not interested in hearing beautiful, fluffy stories about how you gained freedom through submission. I want to hear from others that may have struggled with the same thing. How did you come to terms with it mentally and emotionally? How did you finally arrive at the point where you could sign that contract or agreement, and no longer harbor any fear?
Click to expand...

Yes!
Fear, anxiety, self doubt and all sorts of other negative feelings mixed in with what should have been a happy time.

I remember, as a novice, that the journey was like a rollercoaster, well documented on these forums! One day I was excited, happy and pleased to have found "home." Other days, I wondered if I was a freak, and if not feeling like a freak, wondered if I could really be a "good" submissive? Was i up to the task? Could I really trust another as completely as I needed to to engage in this lifestyle.

I think some of the things that helped and that brought me to the comfort level I am at now was communication with others who had experienced the same mish mash of feelings. Finding out that I was not alone on the rollercoaster. Finding out that others had found their way through it.

Then, comminucating with the Dominant and discussing my issues of self doubt and concern was helpful. Finding out that D/s wasn't two diametrically opposed pieces: Him D Me s, and that it was more of a team effort with a team captain helped. Working through the turmoil with the support of Him and my friends was instrumental.

Eventually, I did step back deciding that I couldn't do this. I tried returning to the "vanilla" lifestyle and within a few short months, returned, stronger and more confident in my submission. Yes, that was when I found more of an ability to understand and accept that I was not only capable of giving myself to another, but that I wanted it and needed it.

I realize this post seems to be a bit confusing as I am free writing and the question is a tough one, but a good one and well overdue.

I guess, in summation, that slowly realizing that whatever I chose was going to be okay, was key.

I believe it was Risia Skye who posted to me here that the journey into submission is wrought with turmoil, tears, highs and extreme lows. In the end, she wished me peace as the ultimate outcome and she was right.

:)
 
I'm very afraid of commitment. I don't trust myself to be satisfied with one partner for that dangerous word "forever." I don't trust my partner to keep me satisfied. It's just a lot untrustiness, and yes, I can too make that word up if I want to.

Being submissive is almost incidental in that, mainly because I've been trapped in the "what would a GOOD submissive do?" loop too long before, and I'm tired of it. Yeah, I'm gonna get pushed. Yeah, I'm probably going to be asked for more than I'm comfortable giving, at least initially. But I am me, and my partner is my partner, and I simply won't worry about "now, if he's a good/real Dominant then he will get his collar out which means that I'm going to have to give up control over all aspects of my life for him and a good/real submissive would accept that and do just that and when the hell is he going to get it?!" He's not your prototype Dominant, I'm not a prototype submissive. I judge myself "good" when I please him and myself.

So I have fears of commitment, and I have worries about submission, but my two certainly don't line up in that particular way.
 
Quint has struck on a good point.

I think as a novice, a huge part of my anxiety was being a "good submissive."

Well, we can only the best submissive we can for that particular Dom and each Dominant will want/need to train or retrain our thinking in terms of how best to achieve that.

As such, some Dominants (artful, rip) would say that it was his responsibility to help his submissive be the best submissive for him. Therefore, the responsibility for how good of a sub a submissive can be wouldn't lie with the submissive, but the Dominant.

In any event, the anxst of being a "good submissive" is unfounded as long as you lead with your heart and are motivated to make the relationship work.
 
FEAR

Face everything and run

FEAR

Face Everything and recover



I think your EQ needs to be at a level of committment
in general before you can deal with the committment of the collar

For me... at this point in my life .... it is not about committment'
it is about weather I want to invest any resourses in the presute
 
About Commitment

The only commitment I require from my submissives is the commitment to the D/s relationship. I am not looking for a husband nor do I accept subs who are looking for a wife or girlfriend.
 
~ Emmeline ~ said:
Complete Submission, and Fear of Committing To It

As a novice submissive, did you ever experience a true fear of your ability to give yourself to your Dominant completely?

Yes, and I think in my case alot of it comes to trust - which develops over time.

Your heart, body and soul belong to your Dominant. You trust him or her completely. You are such a perfect match for each other that there should be no problem with a real committment. Your needs are being met, your limits respected. You are completely open and honest with each other. You want more than anything to commit to the relationship and belong to him or her completely, but then...

Perfect matches, in my mind, hold some challenge - unless both parties are fully developed (and I mean beyond any growth potential at all) then a good or "perfect" relationship is going to stretch me and call for a step up to the next level. Of course there has to be compatibility, affinity and comfort as well, not all extreme challenge.

FEAR. Wondering if you can really do this. Wondering how far you can go because being a true submissive may require you to give up your ability to make important decisions, your ability to walk out the door without permission. You may no longer be able to make financial decisions, or go shopping for a new dress without permission. You may even be required to ask permission to speak if you have a difference of opinion with your Dominant. I suppose that I could go on and on here, but I think the premise is fairly clear.

How did you deal with your own fear of giving complete control to another? I'm not interested in hearing beautiful, fluffy stories about how you gained freedom through submission. I want to hear from others that may have struggled with the same thing. How did you come to terms with it mentally and emotionally? How did you finally arrive at the point where you could sign that contract or agreement, and no longer harbor any fear?

Trust and "complete control" come with time and positive, affirming experience within the relationship. I am very slow to trust another with those areas of myself that I am less than sure about, not as confident and comfortable with, things that aren't set in stone in my mind.. and I do not commit easily or quickly. I don't expect myself to either. I have to push myself a bit when I find something worth taking chances for, but it still takes time and experience before I will jump in with both feet and experience deep trust. It's always a struggle to take it to the next level.

Trust and commitment aren't fluffy subjects, and eventual surrender is beautiful, but not easy or quick. When you decide it's what you want, you make a decision to commit - sometimes you stride through with flying colors, others times you struggle through with the tiniest of faltering baby steps. If your Dominant is also committed to the relationship it's a partnership and s/he should be there to set markers and boundaries, help, have patience, push, reward, etc. Once you make the commitment, the best you can do is the best you can do, hopefully it's good enough.

Good luck :)
Click to expand...
 
I've often had these thoughts, I haven't been with a true Dom. And I think that frightens me more than anything because unless I find a Dom that is understanding of my needs (outside the sexual ones), and accepts that I didn't go to school and get a degree to be told where and when I can work ect. I still need to feel some sense of control over my life in being able to make some decisions and I'm afraid of giving up all aspects of control to someone else. I really don't think I could do it because I am independent. I've thought many times I don't have what it takes to be a sub, and maybe that is true. Maybe what I am looking for is in a different category or perhaps it doesn't exist.
 
rhody said:
wow this couldn't have been found by me at a better time. i am currently involved with a man that i refer to as my 'trainer'. we are both rather new at d/s, with me having a bit more experience at the time we started. since then, i have been brought to more limits than i have ever been pushed to and i want more each time. he wants me to 'beg' for my collar, but he has informed me what it would mean by me doing so, and that has scared me greatly. i'd like nothing more than to drop to my knees and beg for his collar. we are so wonderfully matched in many areas. but a big part of me says no. to be denied my 'safeword' is just one of the many things he has said that would happen. then there is the fact that i also have a 22 yr old daughter. he once said that if i were to be collared by him, if he wanted her, i was to arrange that too, something i have no intention of ever doing. now since that conversation, he has told me that under no circumstances would he approach my daughter unless she makes the first move. which ain't likely to happen. but still....i have that nagging thought in my head anyway. meanwhile, everytime we are together, the urge to be collared by him runs like thru my brain like a wildfire. should i? shouldn't i? it goes on and on.
Click to expand...

Hi rhody! It's nice to meet you. I think that we have two things in common: the desire to submit and great fear of doing it, and our age group. I wonder if it's harder, in general, for older women that have long been independent to give up so many of their freedoms? Many of us have struggled to get to that place where we were finally independent. Now, by embracing the BDSM lifestyle as a submissive, we're being asked to gradually give it all up. I can justify loss of some freedoms happily, but others worry me. What if I wake up one day and say "STOP! I can't go through with that!"... and mean it? I worry about causing irreparable harm to the relationship. I would worry about losing respect in his eyes by refusing to do something that he has requested. Fear of failure, I suppose. It's not a matter of low self-esteem either. I wish that I could put my finger on it.

I'm still pretty new to BDSM, so forgive me if I'm saying something out of line. I don't understand how your trainer, whom you state is fairly new to Domination, could already be making plans for adding others to your relationship. That's a bit scary to me, as is the potential loss of your safeword with an inexperienced Dom should you accept his collar. Please be very careful.

:rose:
 
Re: Re: Submission, and Fear of Committment

MissTaken said:
Yes!
Fear, anxiety, self doubt and all sorts of other negative feelings mixed in with what should have been a happy time.
<snip>
I think some of the things that helped and that brought me to the comfort level I am at now was communication with others who had experienced the same mish mash of feelings. Finding out that I was not alone on the rollercoaster. Finding out that others had found their way through it.

Then, comminucating with the Dominant and discussing my issues of self doubt and concern was helpful. Finding out that D/s wasn't two diametrically opposed pieces: Him D Me s, and that it was more of a team effort with a team captain helped. Working through the turmoil with the support of Him and my friends was instrumental.

Eventually, I did step back deciding that I couldn't do this. I tried returning to the "vanilla" lifestyle and within a few short months, returned, stronger and more confident in my submission. Yes, that was when I found more of an ability to understand and accept that I was not only capable of giving myself to another, but that I wanted it and needed it.

I realize this post seems to be a bit confusing as I am free writing and the question is a tough one, but a good one and well overdue.
<snip>
I guess, in summation, that slowly realizing that whatever I chose was going to be okay, was key.
<snip>
:)
Click to expand...
Thank you, Miss Taken, for a beautiful post. You offered up some great food for thought, and wonderful insight as to how you handled your own fears. I truly appreciate your sharing all of this with me.

I couldn't help but notice your signature line. In fact, I was taken aback when I read it. Could this simple one-liner hold the key to resolving my fears?


"The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It's your mind you have to convince."

— Vince Lombardi


Emme :rose:
 
k_girl23 said:
I've often had these thoughts, I haven't been with a true Dom. And I think that frightens me more than anything because unless I find a Dom that is understanding of my needs (outside the sexual ones), and accepts that I didn't go to school and get a degree to be told where and when I can work ect. I still need to feel some sense of control over my life in being able to make some decisions and I'm afraid of giving up all aspects of control to someone else. I really don't think I could do it because I am independent. I've thought many times I don't have what it takes to be a sub, and maybe that is true. Maybe what I am looking for is in a different category or perhaps it doesn't exist.
Click to expand...

Ahhhh, another one of my intial fears, losing site of the goals I had for myself prior to finding D/s. Finding a Dominant who tried to change the fundamental things that I really wanted to keep in tact.

Well, there are some things that have been or could be changed with the assistance and motivation of a Dominant, however, k-girl, I have some thoughts on your post and some from lessons learned! I am sure no one is surprised .. *giggles*

YOU define your submission and the degree or environ that you are able or willing to submit. Some Dominants love having a submissive who is independent outside the relationship or who goes to work in a business suit and comes home to serve him. Other Dominants view BDSM only in the context of in teh bedroom and behind closed doors.

Just like Baskin Robbins...there really are 31 flavors of BDSM!

It is simply, but not so easy to find that Dominant who cares for you and complements your needs. It can happen. Really. (I am a professional and intend to stay that way :))
 
Re: Re: Re: Submission, and Fear of Committment

~ Emmeline ~ said:
I couldn't help but notice your signature line. In fact, I was taken aback when I read it. Could this simple one-liner hold the key to resolving my fears?


"The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It's your mind you have to convince."

— Vince Lombardi


Emme :rose:
Click to expand...

Could be!

I wondered if anyone ever read it. This sig line really says something to and about me.

:rose:
 
Quint said:
I'm very afraid of commitment. I don't trust myself to be satisfied with one partner for that dangerous word "forever." I don't trust my partner to keep me satisfied. It's just a lot untrustiness, and yes, I can too make that word up if I want to.

Being submissive is almost incidental in that, mainly because I've been trapped in the "what would a GOOD submissive do?" loop too long before, and I'm tired of it. Yeah, I'm gonna get pushed. Yeah, I'm probably going to be asked for more than I'm comfortable giving, at least initially. But I am me, and my partner is my partner, and I simply won't worry about "now, if he's a good/real Dominant then he will get his collar out which means that I'm going to have to give up control over all aspects of my life for him and a good/real submissive would accept that and do just that and when the hell is he going to get it?!" He's not your prototype Dominant, I'm not a prototype submissive. I judge myself "good" when I please him and myself.

So I have fears of commitment, and I have worries about submission, but my two certainly don't line up in that particular way.
Click to expand...

Thank you, Quint, for giving me a glimpse inside of your unique relationship :)

My partner does push me, gently, toward committing myself to a submissive relationship with him. He has been active in the lifestyle for over a decade. We've discussed very basic agreements and contracts. My problem is that I want to see everything in writing, know everything that is expected of me before agreeing to make this journey "real." Accepting any sort of collar at this point isn't even a consideration for me, because I believe it's something to be accepted only at that time where there are no doubts left in my mind that I can fufill both of our needs by doing so.

I'm not sure that I strive to be the "good" submissive, and most certainly would fall short of perfection. Part of what I am afraid of, besides the possibility of failing to follow through with something he may want from me, is the fact that I would be failing myself by taking on something that I may not have been ready for. Maybe it's healthy to have fears of committing to this "contractual" relationship?

Emme :rose:
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Submission, and Fear of Committment

MissTaken said:
Could be!

I wondered if anyone ever read it. This sig line really says something to and about me.

:rose:
Click to expand...

I have read it many many times
 
Richard49 said:
FEAR

Face everything and run

FEAR

Face Everything and recover

I think your EQ needs to be at a level of committment
in general before you can deal with the committment of the collar

For me... at this point in my life .... it is not about committment'
it is about weather I want to invest any resourses in the presute
Click to expand...
Hello Richard, thank you for stopping by. You're right, the level of committment may be the issue at hand. I have not been offered a collar, nor could I accept one at this point in time, because it is not something to be taken lightly. I'm speaking more in the line of a committed, contractual agreement that would serve as the beginning of a very real D/s relationship... something I have no prior experience with.

By the way, what is EQ?

Emme :rose:
 
~ Emmeline ~ said:
I'm still pretty new to BDSM, so forgive me if I'm saying something out of line. I don't understand how your trainer, whom you state is fairly new to Domination, could already be making plans for adding others to your relationship. That's a bit scary to me, as is the potential loss of your safeword with an inexperienced Dom should you accept his collar. Please be very careful.

:rose:
Click to expand...

Nice post, emmeline.

This is one of the reasons that communication is so critical to D/s. Lines and boundaries need to be discussed before the commitment is there, as it gives both a chance to review whether or not this is the One.

It never hurts to take time, rhody.
Think through what your goals are and what your limits are.
Then, is this man consistent? Do you trust him to keep his word? Do you truly feel emotionally and physically safe with him, no matter what?
And I will add, at the very least, I am impressed that he is laying out some of the more difficult details of his expectations with a color now. It give you time for review.

Use that time well.

*hugs*
 
~ Emmeline ~ said:
Hello Richard, thank you for stopping by. You're right, the level of committment may be the issue at hand. I have not been offered a collar, nor could I accept one at this point in time, because it is not something to be taken lightly. I'm speaking more in the line of a committed, contractual agreement that would serve as the beginning of a very real D/s relationship... something I have no prior experience with.

By the way, what is EQ?

Emme :rose:
Click to expand...

Like IQ
but deals with emotions

How emotional mature are you
 
MissTaken said:
Nice post, emmeline.

This is one of the reasons that communication is so critical to D/s. Lines and boundaries need to be discussed before the commitment is there, as it gives both a chance to review whether or not this is the One.

It never hurts to take time, rhody.
Think through what your goals are and what your limits are.
Then, is this man consistent? Do you trust him to keep his word? Do you truly feel emotionally and physically safe with him, no matter what?
And I will add, at the very least, I am impressed that he is laying out some of the more difficult details of his expectations with a color now. It give you time for review.

Use that time well.

*hugs*
Click to expand...

as i have reread what i first wrote, i might have over reacted a bit. i think he was testing me to see just far deep i wanted to be owned by him. like i have said before, he is new at this too, but he never gives me the impression that he is a newbie master, and i have encountered the newbies before. there is no doubt that i trust him totally. i do feel safe on both levels, and he has shown me many times that he is a man of his word and honor. i know that he wants me to very sure of any decisions i make towards this relationship. it is up to me and for that reason, i will think this out. the relationship is fairly new for us, so i will not be making any snap decisions at this time. i want to let this evolve slowly, naturally, letting ourselves innertwine with one another. i know he repects me greatly and i certainly do him too.


rhody

if you ain't weird, then you are.
 
Hi rhody,

Phew! I think your post raised concern from many of us. As you can see. Our concern is genuine, but I am glad ot hear that there will be no snap decisions and that you will do your thinking.

Never hesitate to ask him anything including what his motivation is. One of the things that I have learned from BDSM that actually translates into all my daily interaction is that clear communication is necessary and it is always best to go back and say , "What did you mean?" before responding.

many hugs and best wishes

:rose:
 
MissTaken said:


Phew! I think your post raised concern from many of us. As you can see. Our concern is genuine, but I am glad ot hear that there will be no snap decisions and that you will do your thinking.

Never hesitate to ask him anything including what his motivation is. One of the things that I have learned from BDSM that actually translates into all my daily interaction is that clear communication is necessary and it is always best to go back and say , "What did you mean?" before responding.
Click to expand...


i'm so sorry if anyone became concerned over my first post. and thank you for this concern.

oh i do question everything he says and does during any session we have. and so does he. how else are we to explore each other's limits without that communication? to do so would be very foolhardy at least and neither of us are fools. right now we are separated by 5 hrs driving time, but that shall change next month when i move closer to him. so these past two months since he moved have been communication at it's best.

rhody
 
My man is trying to satisfy me sexualy, i see he really does and i wanna give him what he needs and he needs to see me cuming for him, needs to see me satisfed, but i am not able to make it happen and i dont have a clue why. If you asked me on what level i am while we have sex from 1-10 i am somewhere on 3 or maybe 4 the whole time we have sex.

I want more, i wanna give it to him, but i cant get myself invloved into it, its really pissing me off. It makes me feel like i am a crap woman and it makes me feel like i am some kind of a ice queen or wot, i dunno. I really wanna give it to him, but i struggle. For some reason i can't cum while we have sex. And i am 100% sure its not cuz of him, but cuz of me. I so long to give it to him. I love him and after things he told me yesterday i love him even more.

My question is: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I CAN'T ORGASM WITH MAN I LOVE?!? :(
 
Last edited:
Yes, I think it's part of my childhood legacy. I will never be good enough and I will always fail. That message is embedded on my mind, heart and soul. I can't seem to disprove it either. I will always eventually disappoint or fail. I hate failing. I can't stand it.
 
B. and I have been together for a year and a half, and I'm still often plagued with doubts about whether I'm a good enough sub or not. He makes it easy on me, doesn't have a huge list of demands or anything, but sometimes I fear he's dumbing his list of expectations down for me because he knows I'll fail if he expects too much. I don't know. My head's in a weird place in regards to this right now.
 
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