What happens to women after marriage?

My wife, of nine years, won me back from a TOTAL sex kitten (we were HS sweethearts) who I was engaged to. She got me back by wanting to "Rock my World". She did and I reunited with her. She used to go down on me. I have always gone down on her and brought her to total flushing this past weekend. She even commented on it. We have always been best friends...

I'm just plain bored...

She's not adventurous... I am VERY adventurous...

I don't know what to do.

She doesn't bring anything new to the table, so to speak, and says she is not interested in most of what I'm in to.

What happens to women after marriage?

This is an extremely long-winded post that I don't expect anyone to read, but I'm gonna post it anyway. I hope that those of you who do read it will gain something from it.

I'm gonna C & P (and expound a bit on) some stuff that I posted in a thread similar to this one a few months ago. It's after 1:30 am and I'm anxious to get to bed, but I want to contribute to this thread before I leave town (and Lit) for a couple of days.

If you knew (or even suspected) that your wife wasn't all that adventurous when you got together, then why did you marry her? It's difficult, though not impossible, to "change" someone who doesn't think there's a problem.

I've been on both sides of the fence. During my first marriage, I was one of those wives that gradually started to not enjoy sex all that much; my husband doesn't believe me when I tell him this. I guess that's because, even with four children ages 7 and under, I'm always making/finding time for sex!

When my ex and I started having sex, we couldn't get enough of each other. We were each other's first, so we learned the ropes together. We weren't particularly adventurous when it came to sex, but we were also relatively content with what we were doing. (I figure that some of things that my hubby and I have done would give my ex a heart attack, unless his sexual horizons have also broadened since our separation/divorce.)

I can't really pinpoint a specific time when things really started to head south, but it was probably around the time when our first child was born, which also coincided with a move (closer to our families) and some major career changes for both of us.

Though it wasn't an issue in the beginning (except for the first few times), sex became pretty painful for me unless we had lots of lube handy. My ex is very, VERY thick--too much of a good thing, in my opinion. It got to the point where I expected sex to hurt and I'd avoid sex to avoid the pain. To add to that, my ex didn't always have much in the way of stamina, and he tended to fall asleep immediately after sex, leaving me to satisfy myself. It got to the point where I rarely had an orgasm that wasn't brought about my masturbation. This, also, wasn't the case when we first got together.

These sexual issues, unfortunately, went uncommunicated.

The REAL issues, in my opinion, came into play outside the bedroom. From a personal/financial standpoint, my ex and I were frustrated with each other. I felt that he was underachieving because he's so intelligent, competent, and charismatic. He seemed to be stagnating in jobs with no future or dignity and quitting the jobs that had potential for advancement--not just financially, but personally. Similarly, he felt that I was "selling out" because I wanted to stay at home with the kids, even though I had exactly the career I studied for/wanted.

My ex worked long hours and generally came home only to sleep. I worked and took care of the house and kids, and I started to feel overwhelmed and resentful. To make matters worse, I often didn't feel like waiting up until well after midnight just to have sex when I had to get up early and tend to the children's needs before going off to my own job.

(Keep in mind that these issues are snowballing over a period of years.)

When we finally split, I was suffering from postpartum depression and had gone back to work, out of necessity, five days after giving birth, which obviously made the PPD worse. It was during these weeks that everything exploded and the long-simmering resentments that I've already mentioned finally came to light.

I've said in numerous threads that unspoken resentments can cause problems in the bedroom. Something may have happened between the two of you years ago. You may not know what it was, and at this point, she may not even remember. Of course, since I don't know either of you, I can't say that this is the case.

I'm one of those people who replays incidents over and over in my mind. I did this a lot when my first marriage collapsed. Now that I'm about five years removed from the situation, I can most definitely say that the blame didn't fall on just me--OR just my ex, though my friends and family still treat him as the bad guy.

Fortunately, I've learned from my mistakes, and I think my ex has as well. I work like hell to make sure that what happened with my ex doesn't happen in my second marriage. It gets said over and over here, but communication really is key. Not whining and complaining at bedtime, but honest, nonconfrontational communication in a nonsexual setting.

Good luck.

Great post Eilan.

We can always turn this question around and ask what's wrong with men after marriage. This is not an exclusively women's problem.

Yes that is an excellent post...

I have NEVER considered divorce until now....

Baskin Robbins said:

What happens to women after marriage?

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It's stereotypical that all marital problems stem from the woman in the relationship. I really hate this point of view. Generally, if one partner has stopped being affectionate and intimate, it's a problem that both members of the couple need to address.

I'd suggest thoroughly analyzing your relationship. How have things changed since you got married? What might you be doing that would put her off from sex? Are your schedules hectic? Do you have children or other added elements of responsibility and stress in your lives?

Communication is key to every good relationship. You say your wife isn't interested in trying the things you'd like to experiment with, but have you really had an extensive talk with her about it? When bringing something like this up, it's important to do it in a non-sexual setting. Don't ever talk about sexual concerns in the bedroom, it will only make matters much worse. You need to let her know that this is seriously bothering you, and that you believe it's damaging your relationship; she may not understand exactly how serious you perceive this issue to be.

When you do talk with her, don't place the blame for everything on her shoulders. Marriage is about two people working together, not against each other. You should view it as a mutual problem instead of you being unhappy with her. When you start pointing fingers, your wife will feel threatened and the conversation will undoubtably go nowhere. Take her feelings into consideration, too. Maybe she's been upset with something that's been going on in your lives, or maybe she has fantasies of her own that she feels aren't being addressed. You never know until you make the time to have a good discussion about it.

If you're bored in your relationship, it's because you're not working hard enough on it. I hope that you two are able to work through your issues - I wish you the best of luck.

BR: are you sure it isn't you that's changed?

ed

Okay, so what do you do when you have communicated your needs and desires in the nonsexual situation (as suggested above) and your wife says (as mine has): It's your problem, you deal with it.

Sure, its stereotypical to blame the woman in these situations, but like all stereotypes, there is an element of truth to it. I'm not saying there are situations where the husband can't improve his attitude/behaviour. All I'm saying is that there are also some situations where it is not going to make a bit of difference what the man does. His spouse is just not as interested in sex as he is, and him pushing her for it is probably just going to make the situation worse.

P.S. I don't want to make my spouse seem as unfeeling as the above quote might make her appear. It is one sentence out of a 22 year marriage. However, I think it does faithfully portray an underlying attitude. She can be very accomodating, but only sporatically, which somehow, only seems to make the situation worse.

S.A.Q....I would say that if you have exausted all avenues...that your wife as some issue that has nothing to do with sex. I myself, in the past, have been guilty of using no-sex as a weapon of punishment...only when I was really mad at my ex. Whatever it was that I was mad about, was usually far removed from sex. You need to try and figure out what she mad or disappointed about, try to do it patiently however.

I too hate that women often take the brunt of the blame for a bad sex life in marriage. One of the #1 complains I hear from other women about their sex lives and what pisses them off most about there man...besides personality or financial issues, is that he just isn't as affectionate as he was in the beginning.

You boys have a bad habit, once you can get laid on a regular basis, you cut back or stop altogether touching and teasing your girls. I've said it before, the two most powerful sex toys a man has are attached to his wrists. Walking up to a girl and squeezing her butt just isn't going to be enough to get her motor running, especially if you've been together for awhile. When my hubbie asked me why I was losing interest, or seemed just plain annoyed with sex, I told him the truth....."You don't make love to my body with your hands anymore. And it really hurts me on a certain level that you seem to think that all you have to do it reach down my pants and "Boom", I should be ready to go." I told him how much I missed his touch... how I longed for it....and how having sex felt like I was just setting myself up for disappointment because the one thing I wanted him to do, he probably wasn't going to do. He's really trying now to be more aware that I really need to be touched...and not just on a sexual level, and I'm trying to understand that he's not going to always give me what I want, and I'm trying not to hold it against him.

I'm not saying that this is the only problem between men and women...but when you hear this complaint from every women you know...well, it must be bigger then it seems. They say that babies who aren't touched and cuddled can die....who's to say that a persons passion cannot die from the lack of the same thing?

Hand Fan: I don't want to divert this discussion from the problems of Baskin Robbins to my problems. However, it appears his complaint may be similar to mine, so my experience may be relevant.

I don't claim to be an expert in getting women (or even just my wife) arroused. I would gladly listen to more suggestions. In fact, I have asked my wife many times what she wants/desires. Her answer: I don't know. It changes. She realizes that this is absolutely no help to me, but she doesn't care, I think because sex just isn't that important to her.

Besides, my problem (and it sounds like that of Baskin Robbins) is not that my wife refuses to have sex with me. Once a week is fine with her. However, I like to do things before sex that get my body, and more importantly, my mind arroused. Again, if I ask, she will accomodate me on some of these things, but only if I ask and even then, its often done with a heavy sigh. The fact that it seems like I have to pressure her to do these things takes away from the very arrousal I'm trying to achieve.

To be fair, there are non-sexual things that she has told me I can do to make her more accomodating. Talking to her more, telling her all about my day at the office is her biggest request. I try. I know I don't meet her expectations, but rehashing a bad day at the office is not my idea of relaxing, especially if I have to explain just background things to her, and then she questions the decisions that I have made. I'm sorry, but that kind of conversation is more aggravating to me than the lack of fun sex.

Please don't get me wrong....I wasn't implying that your complaint isn't a valid one.

So what you both of you guys seem to have issues with is that your women will not give you head or other things? Have either of you really expressed how very important these "other" things are to you? And not in a, "Aw, come on, I need it!", sort of way? What could help is if you approach the subject like a girl...explain your feelings on the matter, not just that you like it or that because it feels good. Really let them know why it is important to you on a mental level, not just a physical one...SAQ, sounds to me that your wife would really respond well to this approach, especially if she wants you to talk about how your day made you feel.

It sound to me like your wife is really looking at sex like a chore...I'm sorry for you in that, really I am! But do you know why she's looking at it like that? Was she raised to believe this? Is she the one in your household everyone leans on emotionally....be honest? Maybe she goes through everyday feeling like every little thing she does goes unappreciated, therefore anything she does that seems,"extra personal", or special will really go unappreciated. Nothing is more hurtful then feeling like your being taken for granted, especially in bed.

I know that it isn't always fun to have to be the sensitive guy, alway reassuring and considerate...but you have to understand, women are told in this world that we are second-class citizens and we're suppose to give selflessly. Do you know what that kind of expectation puts on a person over the span of their life? You develop a fear that your not pleasing everyone, that your only value is when your being useful to others, that you just don't matter half as much as everyone you serve. Most women just cling to the idea that, if they can just be told over and over again that I am loved, that my feelings matter, then all that I give up for others will be okay. It is very easy to get bitter about this situation, trust me.

I really to feel your pain...I have the girl version in my home. I'm a VERY sexual person, libdo like a man....but I don't just take, I give back in spades! Which is why I get so confused with my SO, he should know that anything he does to please me will get paid back tenfold...but he still can look at it like a chore, where as I look at it a ambrosia.

I'll chime in with Slightly AsQ here.

For my wife, sex once a week is plenty. She knows I would prefer at least two or three times. And in fairness, she is considerate enough of my needs to give me some other stimulation about once a week even when she's not in the mood for sex.

But when it comes to sex, she doesn't give me the impression that she WANTS it. She usually goes along with it when I suggest it, but sometimes it's with a heavy sigh and that look on her face that says "How can you possibly think of sex at a time like this???"

I can understand my wife not craving sex since she can only have an orgasm about once a week. I try not to blame her. It just frustrates me that she's not very creative about sex. We have lots of books and videos on creative lovemaking, but she doesn't use them. She says she will go along with whatever I want--and she does. But I don't just want someone to "go along" with my ideas. I want a creative person who will actually come up with some ideas that she wants. When I ask her what she wants, she doesn't get very specific or explicit. She just pretty much agrees that she likes what I like.

Good Grief, you sound like me.....just switch the genders!

I try hard to plant the seeds of ideas with my hubbie, but even when he seems to get really interested and I think, "Oh yeah, I'm going to explode if he does that!", then he never acts on our mutual interests. I will admit to feeling very hurt when he asks me what I want, when he takes the time occasionally. I gave him this journal of all of my fantasies and sexual interests when we got married, it was a big risk for me to do this....it's still around, collecting dust...along with the tie downs that are strapped to the bedframe.....sigh!

HandFan said:

Good Grief, you sound like me.....just switch the genders!

I try hard to plant the seeds of ideas with my hubbie, but even when he seems to get really interested and I think, "Oh yeah, I'm going to explode if he does that!", then he never acts on our mutual interests. I will admit to feeling very hurt when he asks me what I want, when he takes the time occasionally. I gave him this journal of all of my fantasies and sexual interests when we got married, it was a big risk for me to do this....it's still around, collecting dust...along with the tie downs that are strapped to the bedframe.....sigh!

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Handfan:
I'm not sure if your comment was directed to me or to Darklover, or both, since we seem to have the same problem. But in any event, you're right, I think we're in the same position in regard to our spouses. If truth be told, they just don't get it. Its like trying to teach colors to a blind person.

You gave him your journal? That was incredibly brave of you, and what a travesty that it lies there unused. If my wife gave me even a hint of what turned her on, I would try my hardest to exceed her desires. Unfortunately, that's probably what she's afraid of.

Maybe you could suggest that she start a journal....it might be easier for her then telling you to your face what she would want. She will probably think your crazy for suggesting it...but you never know....

I still keep mine updated, more to get the frustration out somewhere...also in the hopes that someday I might get surprised. A lot of times it really does bug me that I gave him something so personal and risky;he says he's read it; but it just get ignored...it makes me feel so small and unimportant. Don't get me wrong, I really love my hubbie, we really are soulmates...but I guess I couldn't have absolute perfection in every area of my marriage. In the long run, the person that he is, is really more important to me...but hot sex sure would be great too!

Handfan:

Thanks for your suggestions. She actually does keep a journal. She doesn't show it to me, but I have to admit to peaking in there from time to time. There was not a word in there about sex, and barely any about me. Apparently, she spends a lot a time worrying about her relationship with the kids, but not about her relationship with me. It was kinda depressing actually. One time I suggested that we keep a journal together, so that we could write romantic things back and forth. My first entry was a multi-page affair describing how much I enjoyed ripping an old swimming suit off of her in a fit of passion. She never wrote in that journal.

I would also like to respond to your earlier post, which frankly, I had overlooked before. I have expressed my feelings to her, many times. I have told her how I relate to her, not just through sex but through physical contact in general. I told her that I had always thought that sex should be a fun event and that it is a great thing to have something just the two of us share. I know she heard this and remembers it because she has repeated it back to me unbiden. Does she understand it? You can't prove it by the way she acts.

BTW, I may have asked for a BJ now and then, but not very often. I figure that's a matter of taste (no pun intended). If she wasn't in the mood, I wasn't going to force it on her. Actually, the thing that I requested most was that she undo one more button on her blouse. I just find it incredibly arrousing to be able to peak and and see a curve of her breast. (I even wrote her a short humorous poem about this.) I find it even more arrousing if we're in a public place and I know other men can do the same thing. If asked to do this, she would usually roll her eyes and then unbutton one button. You might think (I would) that after 5 or 6 such requests she'd understand how much I liked this and she would do it voluntarily. No such luck. In fact, she stopped wearing button down blouses. I don't think this was in conscious response to me (she never expressed or indicated that it was), I think she just liked the pull-overs better. In other words, she just doesn't think what effect the change would have on my desire. I almost think that's worse.

Okay, enough bitching on my part. I just wanted to show you that I wasn't just a stupid, unfeeling male crying because he can't get what he wants without taking the woment into account.

Again, I appreciate your suggestions, but after 22 years, I think I've tried everything, except the "do nothing" approach. Maybe if I stop chasing her, she'll stop running long enough to think my desire isn't such a bad thing. Of course, the more likely result will probably be her big sigh of relief.

Good luck with your husband. I gotta admit, his response (or really lack thereof) is something I just cannot fathom.

It might be a longshot, but...

Have any of you guys considered bringing your wives to Lit for the stories and forums? I've always been a sexual person, but it went into hibernation a few years ago. When I came here and saw all of the new ideas and people talking about how wonderful sex was, my sexuality was reborn. I wanted to try so many things, and the acts that I had come to think of as "weird" suddenly appeared as perfectly normal and extremely enticing.

My husband was not a very sexual person. A lot of our problems came from his hesitancy to break out of the mold (and unfortunately, I slipped right in there with him). Honestly, when we got married I kind of gave up on the idea of ever having an exciting sex life. When I showed him this site, started dialogues about ideas from here, and became more sexual, he completely changed as well. He's never been an active member here, but we keep communicating and go out of our way to try new activities.

I don't know if reading stories and browsing the forums together will work for you, but it might be worth a try on the off-chance it will really help your spouses to see sexuality in a different light.

Slightly AsQ said:

Handfan:

Thanks for your suggestions. She actually does keep a journal. She doesn't show it to me, but I have to admit to peaking in there from time to time. There was not a word in there about sex, and barely any about me. Apparently, she spends a lot a time worrying about her relationship with the kids, but not about her relationship with me. It was kinda depressing actually. One time I suggested that we keep a journal together, so that we could write romantic things back and forth. My first entry was a multi-page affair describing how much I enjoyed ripping an old swimming suit off of her in a fit of passion. She never wrote in that journal.


Good luck with your husband. I gotta admit, his response (or really lack thereof) is something I just cannot fathom.

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Damn! I'm sorry that the journal idea won't work for you!

and Thanks, maybe time can change things!

SE....I would love for my guy to drift out onto this site...but the likelyhood is slim...especially since I've tried to get him interested a couple of times....I guess I'll keep trying! Thanks for posting your advice however!

I said this in a different thread, but bears repeating here.

The problem with marriages losing sex isn't because someone doesn't like sex, it's because it's comfortable, people relax, they stop trying to seduce each other.

I've seen it happen, I had a male friend a while back, he always had a very clean house, stayed that way while he was dating his future wife. However, about 6 months after they got married, he had stopped cleaning it, she was the one who had to clean it, he had stopped seducing her, he would go to bed, and just try and have sex with her. She complained to me about it a few times, he didn't clean, he didn't share his day with her.

I did talk to him about it, apparently he felt that since he had to take care of her needs as well as his financially he was working more and he didn't want to ruin her day with his. This sort of snowballed into not seducing her anymore since he was providing for her and being so nice about not ruining her day to, he didn't think he needed to seduce her, he was owed sex.

I'll also go on to say, if your wife is asking about your day, TELL her, especially if you have kids because her day is a long dreary day of cleaning up after you and her and your kids, listening to your kids complain about this or that, asking for things on a constant basis and creating more of a mess. You have no idea how dreary that is, toss in a stay at home mom with kids generally only gets asked how do you deal with this in a conversation with someone, hearing ANYTHING different is a huge releif. I am so not kidding, I had a neighbor once who was the same, she would come over and ask about last night, she came over at noon. Even if i did nothing she would fall over herself talking about how she wishes she could have a night like that.

Oh if your wife is going over your day and saying that you should have done this instead, let her, she's unhappy with her life and using your mistakes to make herself feel better, learn to live with it, because if she feel better your getting sex.

If your husband/wife isn't giving you sex as much as you want, ask about their fantasies, if they don't answer at first, keep asking, not constantly, think back on family road trips, the are we there yet routine gets at least one parent mad at you, same with this. Ask on a fairly constant basis keep it up for a couple weeks, either they will tell you about one or ask why you keep asking, either is good since you need to have a conversation on the whole thing.

[applauds]

well said, emap.

ed

my theory and it may be wrong but... When a women is single she will dress up and act sexy for whatever reason, then when she gets married she know someone loves them for who they are and they stop trying. They don't have to look sexy all the time, they aren't as wild in the sack because they already got a man and got married and are secured. They have a home, they have a man and they have money so they let themselves go to a certain extent. NOW this is NOT all married ladies. Just some that I have notice from friends of mine and people I work with. Women change when they get married. Some still are wild as ever and are as sexy as ever.

My wife and I have our own business. We work together, we live together and have always been best friends. We're 36, I'm 35 for the next couple of months, I guess I do need to seduce her again. I voiced my concerns last night and she closed off the calendar for the weekend. She is Not unreasonable, but she needs to know my concerns.

Most women DON'T want sex as much as men -- "Men have a One Track Mind!"

You've heard it and you know it's true.

I HATE the term "OFFENSIVE" , "PC" SUCKS!

Most men have a higher sex drive than women.

Communication is truly the key.

great name baskin robbins. have you tried plying her with ice cream? works for me every time

SweetErika said:

Have any of you guys considered bringing your wives to Lit for the stories and forums?

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Erika,

My wife does like erotic stories and sometimes we read them together to get in the mood. She even picked one off Literotica for us to read once. Notice I said, "Once." She just doesn't take a lot of initiative when it comes to sex for the reasons I stated above. Still I think stories are her favorite aphrodisiac.

Dark Lover

HandFan said:

Good Grief, you sound like me.....just switch the genders!

I try hard to plant the seeds of ideas with my hubbie, but even when he seems to get really interested and I think, "Oh yeah, I'm going to explode if he does that!", then he never acts on our mutual interests. I will admit to feeling very hurt when he asks me what I want, when he takes the time occasionally. I gave him this journal of all of my fantasies and sexual interests when we got married, it was a big risk for me to do this....it's still around, collecting dust...along with the tie downs that are strapped to the bedframe.....sigh!

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HandFan,

Then it sounds like you know what I'm talking about. Not to insult your SO, but I don't know what's up with a man who is lucky enough to have a lady with a libido like yours and doesn't act on it!

Sure, my wife and I have had conversations about this. And when we do she seems to get very interested in sex for a little while. Then her interest peters out and it's back to the same old routine.

She says I can ask her for sex (or some other kind of stimulation) anytime and she'll give it. I've done that and it feels pretty dull. ("Honey, can I please have some oral?" just isn't the most sensual come-on.)

She does have an appointment scheduled with an OB/GYN next month to ask about her sex drive and what might be done about it. But if that turns up nothing, I'm at the point where I've pretty much given up on having the kind of sex life I dream about. Basically I try to think about sex as little as possible just so I don't get all aroused for nothing.

Dark Lover

7 year itch