Power and Control

I've noticed power and control has come up in several different threads recently.

What role does power play in your relationships? Does one person have more
(in general or in certain areas), or is it fairly equal? Are you happy with
the distribution, or do you want something different?

What are some ways to deal with an imbalance of power (from one person doing too much housework to a very controlling spouse)?

Feel free to add your own ideas and questions.

SweetErika said:

I've noticed power and control has come up in several different threads recently.

What role does power play in your relationships? Does one person have more
(in general or in certain areas), or is it fairly equal? Are you happy with
the distribution, or do you want something different?

What are some ways to deal with an imbalance of power (from one person doing too much housework to a very controlling spouse)?

Feel free to add your own ideas and questions.

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My husband is very controlling person in general.
We fight over that sometimes because he even does things without asking me first. I dont like that...... we live together and we should talk over where are we going over weekend or what kind of new tv we are going to buy and things like that.

I do like that kind of behaviour in bed though

But, however controlling he is, when he is sick or worried or scared of something (rarely but it happens) he practically comes to hide in my lap. In those moments I know I am the only person in the world he is showing all his weekness...... and I love him deeply for that.

And for other..... I dont really mind jumping all over him and getting him beer, slippers, or anything he wants..... I sort of like spoiling him and he sure does love to show off in front of all our friends.
I think some men even envy him for having such polite and obeying little wife. They never saw me when I am really pissed off

Long-winded (as usual)

I'll have to start at the beginning--with my parents' relationship.

My father has been physically/mentally abusive toward my mother for almost the entire time (34 or so years) that they've been together, so I grew up in a household in which the power dynamic was extremely one-sided. When I was born, my mother was made to quit her job so that she could take care of the house and any subsequent children, of which there was only one--my brother. Until my parents divorced about 15 years ago (unfortunately, they got back together a year or so later), my dad was the sole wage-earner in our house.

One effect that growing up in that kind of environment has had on me is that it has made me a bit rebellious. I've seen my mother get beaten for many things, one of which was not having dinner on the table as soon as my dad got home from work. As a result, if I feel that I'm "expected" to do something, no matter what it is, I refuse to do it. Fortunately, both of the men that I've been married to are unlike my dad in every possible way, so that's not something that's often an issue.

Interestingly enough, I'm now staying home to raise my children, so I'm voluntarily doing something that my mom was forced to do. My husband has made it clear to me that I should not feel obligated to stay home with the kids. I can work if I want to, but our financial situation is such that if I don't want to work, I don't have to. I don't regret my decision, nor do I feel "trapped." It helps knowing that I have a job that I can go back to any time I want, even if I never go back.

I tend to do most of the housework and child care, but that's only because I'm the one who's home all day; if the tables were turned, my hubby would do what I've been doing. He has no problem at all with helping me--but a lot of times, if I don't ask for help, he assumes that I have everything under control. Sometimes I have to speak up.

My hubby's most definitely not a possessive guy--I'd refuse to deal with it, because that's how my dad is. I think that he probably has a bit of the alpha male in him (maybe it's a cop thing?), but I'm really, really drawn to it, particularly when it comes to all things sex.

This is a good topic. I'm interested to hear what others have to say.

Sharing responsibility is something my husband and I are still sorting out. I've been dealing with long-term health problems that have kept me out of work for quite some time. Ideally, I'd be doing more housework to compensate, but my issues keep me from doing much of it. Fortunately, I married a man that can cook, clean and do laundry quite well. Our relationship is horribly unbalanced right now, but we've talked about it a lot... it definitely bothers me more than it does him. He doesn't mind picking up the slack, but I constantly feel guilty that I can't do more to help him out. Fortunately I'm en route to recovery, and hopefully we'll be able to put this all behind us and get back into a normal balance again.

In terms of decision-making, we do everything as a couple. It wouldn't feel right to either one of us otherwise.

My parents don't really understand our relationship. If you could picture a generic couple from the '40s or '50s with set roles based on gender, that would be my parents - except with one twist. My mother is in complete control over the decision-making. When she wants something, she will play headgames with my dad until he caves in. While their relationship seems better now that my brother and I are grown, I think it's really that my dad's just giving in to her more easily. Some of the things are normal, like wanting to replace carpet that's 25 years old. Other things are excessive, like wanting to travel to England to visit a cousin that she's already seen twice in the past 6 months, even though money's kind of tight this year. And then there are the things that are downright maddening, like her love of donkeys and finally convincing my dad to purchase a pair of miniature donkeys that now live in a large enclosure behind their garage. She's definitely the dominant person in the household, and she just can't grasp it when I tell her I'll need to check with my hubby before commiting to a decision. Seeing the hell that she puts my dad through makes me relieved that my marriage is on a much more level playing field.

Eilan said:

Interestingly enough, I'm now staying home to raise my children, so I'm voluntarily doing something that my mom was forced to do. My husband has made it clear to me that I should not feel obligated to stay home with the kids. I can work if I want to, but our financial situation is such that if I don't want to work, I don't have to. I don't regret my decision, nor do I feel "trapped." It helps knowing that I have a job that I can go back to any time I want, even if I never go back.

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This is really awesome. So many people distort the ideas of gender equality and feminism (including some self-proclaimed feminists) as women becoming more like men, or the idea that women MUST work if they don't want to be seen as "traditional." But, as you've illustrated, gender equality is really about CHOICE!

erika queried
what role does power play in your relationships? does one person have more (in general or in certain areas), or is it fairly equal? are you happy with the distribution, or do you want something different? what are some ways to deal with an imbalance of power (from one person doing too much housework to a very controlling spouse)?

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in my relationships, i seek to ensure that both sides have equal influence. when i perceive an imbalance, i try to address that directly, talk about the imbalance, find ways to address it, b/c to me, power imbalances are the root cause of dysfunctional relationships*.

example: the mrs is a homemaker while i work. she sees to cooking and otherwise managing our household, and it's something she does quite ably as well. i try to contribute therefore by doing the dishes after dinner or making breakfast on the weekends. those are things that i can do to keep the balance more or less even. when we make plans to go somewhere, we agree on a location collectively.

ed

*assuming you're speaking specifically of romantic ones, of course. for parental relationships, that imbalance will always be there, IMHO.

dollface007 said:

This is really awesome. So many people distort the ideas of gender equality and feminism (including some self-proclaimed feminists) as women becoming more like men, or the idea that women MUST work if they don't want to be seen as "traditional." But, as you've illustrated, gender equality is really about CHOICE!

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The militant bra-burning types are what make feminism so distasteful to lots of women who are, in fact, feminists. Feminism, for me, has always been about choice. MY choice--not what other men (or women) think I should choose.

Interestingly enough, I found out recently that my mom's a little disappointed in me because after all the time, effort, and money (my education was NOT financed by my family, btw) I've put into college and graduate school, I've decided not to work for now. She's certainly entitled to feel that way. It's unfortunate that, in her case, the decision to stay home with the kids was made for her. I always got the impression, even as a child, that she'd rather be elsewhere.

I mentioned in another thread that my brother is apparently starting to treat his fiancée the way my dad treats/treated my mom. I avoid him when possible, so a lot of what I've learned about their relationship I've heard from my mother and grandmother. He's jealous of anyone she might want to spend time with, male or female, family or not. I don't know if it's escalated to the point of physical abuse (yet); the thought of history repeating itself is disheartening and scary to me. I'd also mentioned in that other thread that there's a 10-year age difference in that relationship. I don't know if that's a factor or not, though I can see a lot of women his age being more independent and therefore less likely to tolerate his bullshit.

eilan said:

there's a 10-year age difference in that relationship. i don't know if that's a factor or not, though i can see a lot of women his age being more independent and therefore less likely to tolerate his bullshit.

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it's for this reason that i am often suspicious of relationships w/ significant age gaps.

ed

When I first saw this thread I decided to ignore it...but now maybe I feel like answering.
The power/control thing has always been difficult for me, because I tend to be quite the push-over and the avoid-confrontation-at-all-costs type. However, I feel like I do know my own boundaries and when someone pushes too hard, I will take action. My boyfriend prior to the one I had now was the "doesn't understand no means no" type, and despite my normally unconfrontational and meek nature I managed to stand up for myself...
That being said, though, it sounds like I think that its only people who are weak, or not willing to stand up for themselves ,who get abused or something - and I know thats not the case at all.
As for this relationship...Well, I actually think its pretty good. Because of his own past issues and stuff, not to mention the age difference, I think there could potentially be a lot of issues, however I'm actually doing a fairly good job of keeping it all in check. Its complicated, but thats okay.

Oh, and one other thing. Do any of you read threads on the BDSM board? 'Cause it concerns me when I read about people who do the master/sub thing 24/7...That really just seems like an excessively controlling relationship - I mean, I know the other person consents...but I don't know, I just find it disturbing.

silverwhisper said:

it's for this reason that i am often suspicious of relationships w/ significant age gaps.

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My hubby's 16 years older than I am, and I think we do okay.

However, I think the power dynamic in our relationship might have been significantly different if we'd met when I was 18 and he was 34 (I'm 31, he's 47). I don't think we'd have been drawn to each other back then, though.

My brother has a well-established pattern of dating much younger girls (I'm not going to call them women because most of them weren't). He's very immature for his age; from what I've seen of his fiancée, she's more mature than he is.

It's probably not a good sign whan your future mother-in-law tells you to run like hell, is it?

eilan: you don't sound like a shrinking violet to me. :>

bi: i don't generally visit the BDSM forum, but it does surprise me that as many people are in that sort of relationship as there appear to be.

ed

for me, there's one way to handle the power/control issue in a relationship. i don't often succeed at seeing this to fruition but it's the best thing i've come up with.

in most cases, if there's a minor power struggle, rather than initiate/perpetuate an argument, i just let it go. if you have confidence in yourself, your thoughts, your values, etc. then you don't have to prove your point or engage in a power struggle. and i don't think that practicing this theory makes one a meek or passive person... just interested in greater good.

now, on the other hand, if it's a major issue the key is not in who wins the power struggle, it's how the struggle is engaged in. if you have a couple who go at it tooth and nail with no regard for the other's viewpoint they're pretty much screwed. if an argument includes a lot of listening and understanding then the power struggle isn't so much about the power itself... it's more about two passionate people holding equally viable solutions.

i think that if we put too much thought into where the division of power lies in a relationship, it's probably not a good relationship to begin with. i think that you can have the struggle without having a scorecard... and whatever balance is there either works for you as a couple or it doesn't, sans definition.

I tend to go for guys who are more dominating in relationships. I think it's natural for women to be attracted to guys who are stronger, smarter, make more money, and that are generally more powerful than them (to different extents). I like being with guys who I feel can protect and take care of me; I am also the push-over type that likes to avoid confrontation. So let's hope the combination of this, liking dominant men, and the fact that I am currently sleeping with someone twice my age doesn't get me into troubling relationships in the future....

Please don't tell it, but in fact we really like it when we're told we're strong and give a feeling of safety. It's even far better than being told were well endowned...

Little Bird said:

Please don't tell it, but in fact we really like it when we're told we're strong and give a feeling of safety. It's even far better than being told were well endowned...

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Sure, I knew that since I was 18. You men are so naive sometimes

EJFan said:

in most cases, if there's a minor power struggle, rather than initiate/perpetuate an argument, i just let it go. if you have confidence in yourself, your thoughts, your values, etc. then you don't have to prove your point or engage in a power struggle. and i don't think that practicing this theory makes one a meek or passive person... just interested in greater good.

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In theory, i think this is a very noble way to conduct yourself. However, I'd be afraid that over the long term, letting things go will allow resentment to build up in a couple relationship. It may not be the specific minor issues that come up, just the fact that one person would always get their way, or both get their way half of the time but without compromise.

Am I understanding your point correctly?

silverwhisper said:

eilan: you don't sound like a shrinking violet to me. :>

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Not anymore.

Whoa! I was going to reply to the few posts there were last night, but I'm thrilled to see so much discussion!

Like Eilan, I feel the need to give a little history. My dad wasn't physically abusive, but he was extremely controlling...right down to the way the dishwasher was loaded. Money was also a big area he exercised power and control in. My mom would fight with him and tried to work around it, but all she could really do was get out of the relationship. Not surprisingly, when it was time to pay for my college, he chose to spend more fighting her in court than just contributing an equal share.

When I started dating, I noticed a lot of the men I was attracted to were the distant, more controlling types, even though I knew I had to watch out for that. I always felt there was something missing or wrong with my relationship with my husband, until I realized what I was missing was being controlled and treated poorly! Apart from being more reserved, he is nothing like my dad...very mild, agreeable, kind, and is really only concerned with controlling himself. If anything, he defers most of the power to me on a lot of things. We really make nearly every decision together, and when one of us can't take care of things, the other steps in to pick up the slack. Sometimes I wish he'd be more assertive, but I try to moderate myself to a point where we're balanced. As EJ said, we both let a lot of the little things go, and compromise, find other solutions, or one of us will give in for the good of the other on the big things.

EJfan said:

i think that if we put too much thought into where the division of power lies in a relationship, it's probably not a good relationship to begin with. i think that you can have the struggle without having a scorecard... and whatever balance is there either works for you as a couple or it doesn't, sans definition.

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That's a really great point, EJ, and I've actually never considered it that way. I think there's a definite difference between assessing the situation and keeping score though. I will often look at a relationship to make sure neither of us are being steamrolled because I know my personality is such that I can be controlled or too controlling sometimes. I usually see there's a balance, but sometimes there's a major imbalance that necessitates changing something or ending the relationship.

bisexplicit said:

Oh, and one other thing. Do any of you read threads on the BDSM board? 'Cause it concerns me when I read about people who do the master/sub thing 24/7...That really just seems like an excessively controlling relationship - I mean, I know the other person consents...but I don't know, I just find it disturbing.

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I am not part of the BDSM lifestyle, and am not speaking for anyone who is, but I have read quite a bit about it. My impression is that while it seems like an imbalance of power and excessive control, it's really not. In healthy relationships, the sub controls how/when the power is given to the dom. and both people get great satisfaction from it. A lot of times I think it's more about a perception of the dom holding the power/control than the real thing...if you want something and have the power to stop it at anytime, are you really giving up control, or is there just a perception that you are?

It's an interesting topic...maybe someone who has that kind of relationship can tell us more.

dollface007 said:

In theory, i think this is a very noble way to conduct yourself. However, I'd be afraid that over the long term, letting things go will allow resentment to build up in a couple relationship. It may not be the specific minor issues that come up, just the fact that one person would always get their way, or both get their way half of the time but without compromise.

Am I understanding your point correctly?

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you have the point... and your critique could go some distance to explaining my perpetual state of singlehood.

that being said, what i was sort of hinting at (without saying so outright) was that one part of self respect is knowing your limit of what is worth arguing over. if you're sacrificing your values just to stay out of an argument then it's time to move on.

Well I'm going to try and explain how the BDSM dynamic works for us (thanks Erika for bringing my attention to this thread )

Gil and I live together but our relationship does not contain BDSM all the time. Most of it takes place in the bedroom where Master is in charge and I willingly obey. We both have limits on things we will do, for instance neither of us like spanking to the point of bloodiness, or watersports/scat play. Safewords are in place - "yellow" for slow down and "red" for STOP NOW. These words are strictly honoured. My soft limits are pushed and I've been pleasantly surprised that things I was previously apprehensive about are now a regular part of our sexual play. So in effect I as the sub am in control of how far the play goes, but he also will stop things if he feels it is going to go too far. Once or twice I have been in "sub space" and have forgotten my safe word The Dom has to be able to "read" his submissive's reactions and act accordingly.

Our relationship may be different to most because Gil has health problems so part of what I do in the home is make sure he has his medications and set up the machine etc as well as prepare the meals and general housework. I'm lucky, we have a lady come in to do the cleaning once a fortnight

The relationship started out as D/s in the bedroom but I have a service oriented personality and so I've "taken over" the housework and cooking......it just seems natural to serve his meal before sitting down to eat mine, or sort out his medications or get the machine set up. I do this not because I've been told to, but because I want to. We share financial responsibility, each have our own bank accounts but I know his ATM PIN so I can get his money out for him when he's too ill to go to the shops. I know his email passwords so I can check his accounts, again if he's ill or in hospital. Trust and honesty are extremely important here as you can imagine!

If anyone has questions feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer. However every BDSM relationship will be different, there is no set rule book, we take from it what we like and leave the rest.

SweetErika said:

My dad wasn't physically abusive, but he was extremely controlling...right down to the way the dishwasher was loaded. Money was also a big area he exercised power and control in.

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I can definitely relate to the extreme control issues.

For someone who likes to exercise control over others, there are some major ways in which my dad's vulnerable. He's essentially what I'd call functionally illiterate. While he can read and write, he can't do things like balance a checkbook, fill out forms, pay bills, etc. Money fights used to be really common when I was a child. Every payday he would berate my mother because after my mom bought groceries and paid the bills, there just wasn't that much money left. However, he was really good at squirreling money away to buy things that HE wanted, to the point where my maternal grandparents would step in to buy things that my mom, brother, and I needed. THEN he would accuse them of interfering.

Until I was about 10 or so, we had only one vehicle, and my dad took it to work. If a repairman had to come to the house, my mom had to have someone over to "babysit" because she wasn't allowed to be alone with another man. I used to hear them fight a lot about sex; I don't blame my mom for not wanting to have sex with someone who treated her so badly. Interestingly, when they did split up, it was my dad who left her for someone else. I imagine that he'd been cheating all along, but I can't prove that.

My dad always told my mother what she could wear, when she could bathe, and how often she was allowed to go to the bathroom. She wasn't allowed to wear makeup or nail polish, and she rarely got her hair cut (unless she did it herself). If my grandmother bought her new clothes, he'd immediately tear them up. After my brother was born, my mom gained weight. When she tried to lose weight, he'd accuse her of cheating; then he'd tell her how fat and ugly she was.

When my parents divorced, my mom lost 86 lbs. She looked good, but most importantly, she was finally starting to gain some much-needed confidence. THEN she let my dad come back.

There are some ways in which the balance of power in my parents' relationship has shifted somewhat, but my dad's still pretty abusive, particularly verbally. He's now unable to work due to a pretty significant neck injury that has affected his ability to use his arms and shoulders, so my mom is the sole breadwinner. Fortunately she has a decent job (in an area where decent jobs are often difficult to come by). He's not happy with that, because a woman's place is in the home, but I guess he's decided that it beats starving.

im just keen to add an input..its always been in my nature to be very affectionate when im having sex with a girl.when it comes to giving blow jobs my girlfriend becomes very excited & tends to get quite carried away.because of my affectionate nature she often playfully encourages me to hold her head in my hands & really go for it.i do as she asks but often she will urge me to press her head right down..i know she enjoys it immensly but gripping her head & stuffing my cock so deep in her mouth causes just a few moments of anxiety..because in truth..it feels absolutely mind-blowing & the danger i feel is getting to carried away myself.

stageleft said:

im just keen to add an input..its always been in my nature to be very affectionate when im having sex with a girl.when it comes to giving blow jobs my girlfriend becomes very excited & tends to get quite carried away.because of my affectionate nature she often playfully encourages me to hold her head in my hands & really go for it.i do as she asks but often she will urge me to press her head right down..i know she enjoys it immensly but gripping her head & stuffing my cock so deep in her mouth causes just a few moments of anxiety..because in truth..it feels absolutely mind-blowing & the danger i feel is getting to carried away myself.

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I love having my hair gripped tight and his cock thrust down my throat - admittedly I do gag a bit but that's part of the fun And when he calls me his slut and spanks my butt I just go all weak at the knees. But (and it's a pretty big but) only Master is allowed to do these things, if anyone else was to try it they'd get a pretty short shift and possibly a knee in the nads

Bandit58 said:

I love having my hair gripped tight and his cock thrust down my throat - admittedly I do gag a bit but that's part of the fun And when he calls me his slut and spanks my butt I just go all weak at the knees. But (and it's a pretty big but) only Master is allowed to do these things, if anyone else was to try it they'd get a pretty short shift and possibly a knee in the nads

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Hi bandit.xx.thanks for your useful response,i suppose every affectionate person has the animal instinct somewhere inside.as much as mutual respect shines within me the feeling of animal-like lust when im gripping my girlfriends head is pleasantly overwhelming..best regards to you.xx.