How to spot an Asshole...

An asshole can be one of life's most irritating individuals. Everything from their mannerisms to their tone of voice to the way they think and act to the world around them can cause others to want to step to the other side of the road to avoid them.

Here's a few ways to spot an asshole, 'hope you'll add some observances of your own that will help others spot an asshole:

An asshole will submit far more of the wrong kind of advice than what would actually be called for even if it were the right kind of advice.

An asshole knows he/she's right, no matter how wrong he/she may be.

An asshole doesn't believe in simple one-word answers unless the one word is somehow beneficial to the asshole in question.

An asshole will not use turn signals except those designed for the blind.

An asshole will jibber jabber on his/her cell phone while driving as if no one's life is at stake because his/her full attention isn't on his/her's driving.

An asshole talks with his/her hands while driving.

An asshole doesn't care if what he's doing is impeding on the rights of others because his god told him to do it.

An asshole will have his/her cell phone turned on while in a movie theater, restaurant, etc.

An asshole would bring an infant child (who does not yet understand the term "Shut the fuck up!") into a movie theater.

An asshole would tell a child to "Shut the fuck up!"

An asshole is anyone who speeds faster than you are.

An asshole is positive that his/her cigarette smoke holds no detriment or discomfort to anyone else around him/her while he/she is smoking.

These are but a few of the ways to spot an asshole. Please feel free to list more of your own.

LOL

this is GREAT!

there's one method for spotting an asshole that i would LOVE to post. sadly it's far too caustic and i just can't bring myself to do it because it would identify one or two fellow lit-members very directly.

one general thing i look for when trying to identify an asshole is poor command of their primary language. the loving, objective side of me knows that everyone has at least one redeeming quality but an otherwise saintly person with poor grammar is of no use to me in most cases.

another way i spot one is looking in the mirror. yeah. that's right. i admit it. i'm one too from time to time. i try to make amends when i slip though.

EJFan said:

another way i spot one is looking in the mirror. yeah. that's right. i admit it. i'm one too from time to time. i try to make amends when i slip though.

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I'm right there with ya... well, different mirror...

zerimar1231 said:

An asshole cuts you in line because "they're a senior citizen" and think they deserve better treatment just bc they're old!

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i see this a LOT, but not just with elderly folks (which i can accept) but with people who just think they're better than you for whatever reason. i can't stand it when you're in line at the supermarket with 4 or 5 other people... a new line opens up and someone BEHIND you shoots over there. now THAT'S an asshole.

EJFan said:

i can't stand it when you're in line at the supermarket with 4 or 5 other people... a new line opens up and someone BEHIND you shoots over there. now THAT'S an asshole.

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Then label me an asshole...

i find it easiest to spot 'em while driving.

ed

According to some people I know I am a huge Asshole..

And I have to admit I have my moments.

"The Asshole Song"

Well I was driving down I-95 the other night,
When somebody nearly cut me right off the road.
I decided it wasn't going to do any good to get mad,
So I wrote a song about him instead.
It goes like this...

Were you born an asshole, or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way, it worked out fine. 'Cause you're an asshole tonight.

You're an a-s-s-h-o-l-e, and don't you try to blame it on me,
You deserve all the credit, you're an asshole tonight.

You were an asshole yesterday, you're an asshole tonight,
And I've got a feeling, you'll be an asshole the rest of your life.

And I was talking to your mother just the other night,
I told her I thought you were an asshole, she said, "Yes, I think you're right."

And all of your friends are assholes 'cause you've known them all your life,
And somebody told me you've got an asshole for a wife.

Were you born an asshole, or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way, it worked out fine, 'cause you're an asshole tonight.

Nightbird said:

According to some people I know I am a huge Asshole..

And I have to admit I have my moments.

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Well, at least you know for sure that the NASCAR people think you're an asshole.

An asshole posts lists on discussion forums about how to spot assholes.

An asshole calls someone an asshole for posting on a discussion forum a list of how to spot assholes.

Denis Leary has a song called Asshole.

It goes something like this

I'm just a regular Joe, with a regular job
I'm your average white, suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep
a man like me interested
(oh no, no way, uh uh)
No I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
(woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying "how about this heat?"

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in the handicap spaces
While handicapped people make handicap faces

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
Nah

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible
Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps
And all leather cow interior
And make brown baby seal lions for head lights (yeah!)
And I'm gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
Gettin' 1 mile per gallon,
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's
In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those greeseball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why, because we've got the bombs, that's why
2 words, nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK?!
Russia, Germany, Romania
they can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cakewalk
Right through the middle of Tianamen Square
and it won't make a lick of difference
Because we've got the bombs, OK?!
John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen,
and as soon as we find a cure for cancer
We're gonna thaw out the Duke
and he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why,
Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well multiply that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be!
I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Castive Eddies,
and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckenthorp, and a case of whiskey,
and drive down to Texas...

(Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E
Everybody
A-S-S-H-O-L-E

I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it.

YellowStraw80 said:

I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Castive Eddies,

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Or John Cassavetes?

Asshole.

*****

New to the internet, are you? For future referenece, the winky smiley-face ( ) means a person is joking. And if the topic is "assholes", then somebody calling you an asshole is probably joking as well. So maybe you should calm the fuck down and relax a bit?

And for your information, I'm American. Thanks for making me realize my move was indeed the correct one...

*****

YellowStraw80 said:

Oh, I know what the wink means.

But you can't think I was serious. Can you? Perhaps you lost your sense of humor in that plane somewhere over the Atlantic.

What is this world coming to when out-and-out sarcasm isn't funny anymore. Yeah, someone really means what they are saying when they refer to their country as a Great Imperial Power, talk about Gandhi "kicking ass", saying how the US is going to take over the world.

And this, is obviously, really obviously sarcastic:
"I predict an election in your future, followed by Condoleeza Rice saying that it wasn't "democratic." Then Bush will say you need "Freedom" and "liberty." After that, as you know if you watch the news, you're fucked."

good lawd. Perhaps you should move back here just to get a feel for how ABSURD it is that people actually take W & Co. seriously when they say shit like that.

What about: "Today, Iraq. Tomorrow, (insert your country's name here).

I tried to be an over-the-top ASSHOLE so you would see the joke. But you didn't.

Sorry about that.

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Dude, have you been outside in America lately?? People are like that. Lots of them. Try to remember that sarcasm doesn't always work in print form, eh?

*****

YellowStraw80 said:

PS. What kind of American do you think is an asshole?

The one who wants USA to run the world? or the one who wants USA to not run the world?

If you dislike the former, I hope you are still a citizen and that you vote.

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The former, and yes, I did vote absentee. Lot of good it did...

LMAO!!! No Halo your probably the only one who ever reads that.

NASCAR = Non Athletic Sport Circling Around Rednecks. LOL

Halo_n_horns said:

Well, at least you know for sure that the NASCAR people think you're an asshole.

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Hey!! Whats this EH stuff? Being Canadian I own the Copywrite to that word.. Or is it Copyright?

LOL Either way I'm just kidding..

Kassandra13 said:

Dude, have you been outside in America lately?? People are like that. Lots of them. Try to remember that sarcasm doesn't always work in print form, eh?

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....

.....now that I've stopped laughing long enough to type...


The sales guy who has just joined the industry (not only the company mind you, but the COMPLETE career change) and then looks at you like YOU'RE an idiot for explaining to him the SAME procedure for the umpteenth how to do something......

Then again, now that I consider it, he may not be ONLY an asshole, he's dumb as a post too....

New Thread!

Ize

Well, I had the cell-phone-in-the-theater-Asshole yesterday. We went to see Hitchhiker's Guide (wait for video if you haven't seen it yet) and the Asshole in the row behind us didn't take a call, he made a call! Asshole.

I let him know after the movie that he was an Asshole for making that call. He said that I should fuck off because his wife was home sick and he was checking on her. Then I told him that he was an Asshole x 2 for leaving his wife at home sick so he could come and see this movie. My wife and son both said "Yeah!" and he had to walk away embarrassed.

Somehow, that made the movie better.

Everybody should learn to identify assholes, there are so many. Everyone has an asshole following them, a broken one too(one with a crack in it)