the husband's surprise!

Winemaster

Literotica Guru
Joined
Dec 16, 2004
Posts
941
I have been on here a while trying to figure how to get this story up....I have tried...deleted...
Now, I said - let me put it up like this to see what others have to say. And I appreciate any comments - good or bad. I know my grammar may need some help. So, call this the "input" page to my story. Hoping it gets fixed up and then I get to submit it.

Want to thank all of you who have left a comment. You all have good advice.
Special thanks to Angelicminx, Quiet Cool, 39keeper and dr_mabeuse! You four are very talented! It's nice to have the support.


House in the suburbs.

Gina a suburban wife, waited patiently in the living room for her husband to return home. Her body grew anxious waiting for him. Her love for this man grew stronger in each of thier ten years married. This afternoon, she was planning a "special" greeting for the man she loved. She adjusted the lingerie one more time as she saw it was almost time for him to return home.

She met her husband in New York City, at the marketing firm she went to work for after she graduated from college. He was ten years older than her, but age was never a factor in thier relationship. His education in the buisness world flourished her career.

Gina believed her colleagues, friends and family are students, teachers and mentors in her life. Her contagious smile gives her confidence that each day is a new learning experience. A personable young woman who believed love is the center of her universe.

Undeniable to Gina, her marriage was fading quietly as her husband grew more distant. She wanted this to be a greeting for her husband to remember. A refreshing start to the passion they embarked years ago.

Gina noticed her husband's buisness trips were gradually becoming much longer. The air of emptiness was beginning to fill her lungs. Weekends passed and there was no growth in the marriage. She missed the love making they once shared.

Gina wanted her man to feel the passion they once enjoyed. Simultanously, with that feeling, her husband entered the door. He entered the living room and Gina smiled. Without saying a word she reached out for her man. He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. Gina quickly turned to smack her lips on his. The kiss made her wrap her arms around his neck while she pulled him down to let him fall onto open legs.

Her husband settled into position and she whispered, "let's start a family!" His reaction wasn't what she expected. He pulled away, sat up and said, "my vision of a family has changed."

Gina's body filled with emptiness after hearing these words. Her lungs felt as if she couldn't breathe. Not knowing what to do, she ran upstairs. Gina wondered, "how could she feel any worse? Her night of passion was crumbled along with the dream of the "All-American Family."

Upstairs, Gina phoned her mother to explian her husband's views. Her Mother, always supprotive, explianed, "maybe it was just a phase. It sounds like he may be going through some mid-life crisis." A warm sensation went through her chest as she was able to believe in her marriage again. Estatic from her mother's word's, her vision of leaving this man escaped.

Her husband called out to her, "honey, you O.K.?" Gina lifted herself up and went back downstairs. It was time for her to love her husband.

Gina smiled when she entered the living room. It was a delight to Gina when she saw her husbands erection through the boxers. They embraced and Gina grabbed the erection. Her husband quickly unbuttoned the lingerie. He layed Gina back down on the couch while he sunk into her open legs.

"Honey, I don't want this wonderful surprise to be ruined," Gina said to her husband. "I want you to have me." Gina finished to tell him.

Her husband took off the boxers and slid into her opening. He let out a sigh as he was all the way in. After a few thrusts he screamed, "I am going to cum." Dissappointed, the evening wasn't filled with endless lovemaking, Gina figured it was all the emotions in the air.

A week has passed and it was the usual routine. Her husband drank his coffee with little conversation between the two. He prepared for another buisiness trip and there Gina stared out the window wondering what the next welcome home would bring.

Periodicaclally, Gina would notice one of her nieghbors Frank working in his yard. Occassionally he would prepare his house for Weekend parties. Frank lived a life of parties and jogging to stay in shape. He just returned from a jog and was cleaning in the back. A view Gina enjoyed as she finished her coffee.

Gina's mind took her back to last weekend. She was returning from a good spin session and wore a a pair of shorts that showed a wonderful curve in her butt. Her butt and legs showed the life of someone who was into athletic activities. Adrenaline was boosting her smile when she greeted Frank in the front yard. They shared some small talk about working out and glances at each others legs.

Frank's eyes went higher and obsorbed the curve in her shorts. He invited her to join him in the back. With a great resistance, Gina refused and his eyes were drawn away. Frank's smile faded before he left for his run. Gina began to walk away, not understanding the draw she felt to Frank.

Gina noticed from a reflection in the window that Frank was looking back at her. It was similiar to that the "teenage thrill" she got when the "hunk" of her high school was "checking her out."

After the encounter, it was a night where the view from her window was unavoidable. The earlier feelings drew her to wonder what was happening next door. She heard music and people laughing. Her curiosity getting the best of her, she moved towards the window.

She was surprised when she looked out the window. She wondered, "would I be dancing like that?" Women at the party were in thong bikinis swinging to the music. Gina continued to watch and saw Frank dancing with a topless woman. She smiled and couldn't understand her feeling of joy.

As she continued to look around, she found herself admiring Frank. She also noticed a pair of boots a woman was wearing. Gina thought to herself, "this healthy busted burnette has worn those boots to previous parties. They seem to fit her well."

The view of his backyard felt like a balcony seat in a major theater. Frank noticed Gina at the window and enthusiastically waved for her to come over. Her heart skipped from his smile. She returned a smile, noded her head and just lowered the blind. She left the window wondering, what if she did go over?

At work, Gina shares lunch with her best friend, Susan. She is with a group of women who like to enjoy there getaway weekends. The young women would come in and share thier adventures of the Hampton weekends. Places where people have great parties by the beaches. Lunchtime with girls is one of her favorite times. There were always stories of who they met and who they slept with. Gina was always left wondering if this is the wild life she would live if she wasn't married. Her best friend at work, Susan always invited her to join them. She always said that "one weekend away would be good for her."

Gina walked away from the window and asked herself, "why didn't I ever follow through on the girls invitation?" Fun like that wouldn't hurt anyone.

It was these times that made Gina's mind race. The young women away on weekends, Frank throwing another party and her husband was absent. She sat thinking and daydreaming of other things she could have done. More and more the thought of letting herself go entered her mind. It was common sense that she shouldn't be left alone to feel lonely in the walls of her own house.

Gina's thought of such encounters helped her pass time. Looking in the mirror, Gina was proud of her figure. A firm chest and nice set of long legs. She pulled off her shirt and readjusted her shoulder length hair.

A burnette of 35 years, stood and wondered why she was the only one who enjoyed her figure that night. Her mind raced back to the thoughts the girl's lunchtime conversations.

Gina layed herself down on her bed thinking of pleasant thoughts. She remembered her friend Susan once told her, "you have to wear baggy clothes around here. That ass of yours will take the attention away from my body." A moment they laughed for hours.

Susan wasn't as modest as Gina. Susan enjoyed all the attention she could get from men. Susan dressed in the tightest clothes and highest heels. Susan always discussed thongs, bikinis and panties with Gina. Susan was always willing to show herself as she was the first to take off her skirt and jump in any available jacuzzi.

Gina continued to daydream. She thouught about the little flirtings from men when she was out with Susan. If no men were around, she heard of Susan's erotic weekends. Susan told Gina about a time she was making out with two men at once in the Jacuzzi. A story she referred back to occasionally.

Gina remembered her eyes widening when Susan explained how hard thier bodies were against hers. Gina's curiousity rose when Susan explianed how hard it was to pick just one of these men and wanted both.

"Great," Gina said to herself. Gina was feeling turned on by the memory and thoughts of this story. She felt a little wetness between her legs. An enjoyable feeling that she didn't appreciate having alone that night.

She leaned over to get one of her favorite toys when she noticed her husband's bag. She wondered, "why did he have left his favorite bag here?" She went over to look.

Fumbling through the bag Gina discovered thier digital camera. "Frank always likes to take pictures," she remembered. Besides the camera, she discovered her husband's bathing suit. She picked up the camera to see what pictures were inside.

The pictures were shocking to Gina. She couldn't believe she was looking at a picture of her husband in a Jacuzzi with another woman. Her sad emotions were deepened as she was looking through them. Gina droped to the floor when she recognized they were of places in Hamptons.

Picture after picture she saw women topless, men naked and her husband with a woman. Her mind raced as she thought maybe her friend Susan was there. She trembled going through the pictures. Her eyes swelled with tears. It was disgust that went through her body. Gina couldn't hold back the tears when she saw a picture of her husband getting a blowjob from another woman.

Her heart crashed and she saw another hedious picture. "There he is, again!" she screamed. It was a picture of her husband with his cock in his secretary's pussy. Then she noticed along side of them were people watching.

Gina couldn't go through another picture. Her feelings were crushed with disgust. Not knowing what to do, she called her friend Susan. Susan was in awe! Susan yelled to Gina, "I want you to come out here right now!." Gina was convinced it was time to go see her friend.

While packing her stuff, she heard the music being next door get a little louder. It was dark out and the party next door was getting interesting. The moments for Gina moved slowly. A minute felt like an eternity. The party next door moved at a much faster pace. After staring at her packed bag, she got up to look out the window. There were people dancing and Frank was giving out drinks.

Gina noticed a body builder man posing for a women who looked twice his age. The woman took the drink from Frank and asked for another pose. From the window, Gina sensed the heat of sex from this women.

The woman just kept rubbing this body builder. Gina continued to watch as the woman took a bite of his neck. The body builder all smiles told the woman, "hey, don't leave a mark!" He picked the woman up by her ass. The womans legs pryed around him as he said, " or else I am going to have to spank this ass!" The woman's head layed back and she screamed, "please!"

It looked like everyone was enjoying themselves. Gina just couldn't get herself to move. Trying to lift her arm felt like she was trying to pick up a hundred pounds.

Her body rattled when she heard a bang. "What was that noise?", Gina asked herself.

She looked out the window and saw Frank on the deck of his jacuzzi. He looked dizzy and his friends were helping him up. She wanted to do something. Her feelings turned to Frank. Gina told herself, "it is time to help someone instead of feeling so sorry for myself." She got herself dressed and rushed out the door.

As Gina entered the opening to her nieghbor's yard when she heard one of the guests ask, "who is that?". A tall man appraches Gina. Gina explianed, "I live next door and heard a bang. Is Frank OK?" She couldn't resist from looking straight into this man's chest. He was tanned and toned. Her skin tingled as she sensed some heat coming from him. The feeling went straight to her heart rate. It was excellerated when he took her hand and lead her to the back. She was feeling herself breath again.

Walking through the crowd Gina noticed that the "feel" of the crowd is different than the view.

They walked by two women in bikini thongs. Thier chests pointed out at the crowd. The tops of the bikinis barely covered thier noticiable hard nipples. The tall man stared at thier chests as he walked by them. Gina felt she was surrounded by amazing sexual beings.

Gina called out to Frank the instant she saw him. There was the topless, boot woman from previous parties massaging Frank's neck. Gina called out to him, "Frank, I heard a bang." Frank looked up and smiled when he recognized Gina. Frank put his hand up to meet Gina and said "I am ok! I slipped giving out drinks. Have a drink Gina, it's great to have you here."

Gina took a drink and sat next to Frank. She watching the party and felt the "sex air".

The Body builder was on all fours while his woman sat on his back. The woman acted like she was riding a horse as she rubbed her crotch area against his lower back. The woman took off her top while she enjoyed the back of the body builder.

The body builder noticed the bathing suit top fall to the floor and began to rise from his position. When he stood up, the woman danced real close to him. The woman pressed her naked chest against his. She slide her tits from his chest down his knees. Her mouth followed the path behind her tits until her knees were on the ground. Her mouth began to kiss his thighs as she headed toward his crotch. The woman stopped in front of his bulging bathing suit. Her hands slide up the back of his thighs. With her teeth she began to pull down the front of his bathing suit, while her hands assisted with the back.

The woman sighed when his cock was released. She grabbed it with her hands and put the head of his cock in her mouth. The woman moved her hands to his ass. She pulled his ass in toward her. The body builder kept smiing when he leaned forward for his drink. The woman didn't move as she kept engulfing his cock.

Gina watched the woman and thought, "that woman is devouring that cock!" The woman pulled away from the cock and lets out a scream from enjoyment. Gina, without hesitatioin, admired how the woman was enjoyed herself.

Gina now felt she got a live view of what was going on at Susan's parties.

Gina enjoyed the entertianment and took a third drink. The drinks helped her realize how time was passing by. She turned to Frank to see the boot woman was pushing her tits against his shoulders. The woman had her tongue in his mouth before thier lips meet. Breaking from the kiss the burnette pushed her tits up against his face. Franks hands moved to cup and circling the boobs.

Blocked by her view of Frank, Gina looked away and focused on the jacuzzi. The tall man had the two big chested women in thier with him. The fortunate tall man took turns making out with two sex queens. Every turn of the tall man's hand's touched, grabbed or pulled on a breast. He put his head back and noticed Gina was watching. He immediately sat on the edge of the Jacuzzi.

Gina was Frozen in his look. He stood up and Gina noticed his arousal. The tall man started to approach her. His hard cock was staring at her through his bathing suit. Gina couldn't realize if it was the drinks, or the air, that made her enjoy this view. Her heart was racing again while she felt herself breathing.

The tall man came over to her and said, "Would like like to feel the water? Gina responded, "I don't have my suit on." Frank brook away from the woman's tits and said, "go in your undies."

Gina took a drink and headed for the Jacuzzi. Her heart rate continued to race. The tall man watched when Gina slipped out of her jeans. She turned and found Frank staring at her as she stepped into the warm water. Gina realized her conversations with Susan about sexy thongs had an important destiny. Frank watched her body slip into the water.

As she entered the jacuzzi, Gina is feeling alive. The tall man stroked her legs while he sat across from Gina. His strokes were going higher and higher. Gina now fully relaxed, glanced over to see Frank have a mouth full of tits.

Gina sat up on the jacuzzi and spread her legs open. With her eyes closed, she leaned her head back and submited to her arising passion. She let her body dictate her moves. Her pussy was wet for the feeling of the tall man playing with her legs. "MMMMM", he exclaimed while he rubbed each thigh. A touch to her pussy outside of the thong was enough to let out a slight moan. The tall man pushed her thong aside and rubbed her pussy lips with his thumbs. Gina felt so relaxed and turned on as his fingers enter her opening gracefully. Gina felt the sensation grow as his thumbs come out of her opening to rubbed her clit.

Gina opened her eyes in time to glance over at the burnette pulling down Frank's bathing suit. She just stared as his cock popped out. She felt her eyes drawn to Franks cock. Thick and stout is what came to her mind. The hands on her pussy was making her very wet, but the site of Frank's cock, drenched her. The cock disappears as the burnette engulfs it.

Gina, captured by the view, pulled the tall man into her pussy. She rubbed herself up against his mouth. The tall man enjoying the reaction asked, "you ok, Gina?" Gina turned to him and demanded, " sit up and let me pull off that bathing suit." It didn't cross her mind who was watching.

Gina layed the tall man down, bent forward and took in his cock. She caressed and stoked his cock with each hand. After seeing the tall man close his eyes, she leaned down to lick it. Her mouth started to move up and down on it.

An inner feeling took over when she had the tall guy's cock in her mouth. It was drawing at her to have it hit back of her throat. The response to her inner feelings had the tall man tensed up. Loud moans were coming from him. He was crying out, "Oh if you don't slow down I will cum right now." Gina pulled her mouth out and slid her tongue flat up against his shaft.

Gina slowed down and began to work on his cock again. She craved to feel cum in her throat. Her flat tongue pulls away to flick the head of his cock. She closed her eyes, opened her mouth and started moving up and down the shaft again.

While she enjoyed the tall guy's cock, she felt a pair of hands on her ass. The tall guy screamed, "keep it up, yes, suck me in!" Gina didn't want to pull away. Gina was ready for the tall guy's cum. She continued to move her mouth up and down on him.

The hands she felt on her pussy are replaced by a mouth. She felt a thick tongue giving her pussy lips a warm sensation. She felt the mouth pull and lick and at her pussy lips. She arched her back so her ass was high enough to get better access. The mouth clamped around one of her pussy lips and slid down. She used the same motion to slide down the tall guy's cock. Gina's mouth was coming up from the tall guy's cock, when she felt the mouth on her pussy pull in her clit. On the top of the cock, Gina left her mouth open to let out a moan.

The mouth on her clit was giving her a feeling through her spine. As the mouth continued to work on her clit, her pussy reacted with little pulsations. Her mouth pulled in the cock as her breathing was quickening. The mouth released her clit and her pussy clenched around the tongue that entered. A tongue fucking started and she pushed her hips back and fourth to be rythm with as it entered. Her mouth rode the cock back and fourth as her pussy drenched the mouth on it.

There was a break from the tongue in her pussy. She felt the tip of a cock at her opening. The cock began to enter her opening slowly. Her wetness was enough for the head of the cock to enter easily. Then she felt a hard push in her and it snapped up her head. The thick cock widened her pussy which drew a scream from her mouth.

Her pussy was stuffed with cock and her head began to turn. She noticed a firm chest and then saw Frank's face as he pushed in her. Her pussy tightened around the cock when she realized it was him . She felt a gush of wetness when he withdrew his cock from her entrance. She turned and looked straight into his eyes. Before she could say anything, Franks looked at her and said, "you are beautiful inside and out." Gina turned from him and offered her entrance again. He pushed his cock back in.

Gina groaned louder this time as he entered. Gina's wet pussy tightened around his manhood. Franks began to fuck Gina while she returned to the tall guy's cock. Her mouth slid over the cock until it taps the back of her throat. She felt heat, but is frozen in time.

She heard her wetness when Frank was sliding in and out of her. Gina felt her body tense up. The tall guy moaned and released his semen in her throat. Frank pushed his cock in Gina when he saw the tall guy tense up from cumming.

Swallowing the last of the tall man's semen, her body shook with fury. Gina felt her orgasm start to build. Her pussy began to pulsate again as she clears her mouth to let out a scream. She let out a moan heard across the yard. The sensation of her pussy was felt on Frank's cock. Frank, held his cock in her as she was trembling.

As he pulled out, Gina turned her head and told him, "Frank please, give me more of your manhood". Frank entered Gina agian. Everytime Frank's thick cock filled her pussy it pushed out the emptiness she was carrying. Her arms are spread wide on the floor.

Gina's sexual energy continued to build. Gina called out to Frank, "I want more. keep pushing your cock in me." Her words shocked her. Her sexual energy was overtaking her. She crawled forward with her ass in the air and looked at Frank. "Enter me again, please" she said. Gina layed on her knees and elbows a few feet in front of Frank.

As Frank's was cock pointing forward, he grabbed her hips to pull her back to him. His cock entered her again. He moans out, "Gina I have wanted to fuck you for a long time." She calls out, "fuck me, Frank!" and put her face on the on the soft carpet. Frank was then thrusting with more enthusiasm.

She is tensing up again. Hiis large cock opening her intimate spot was making her tremble again. Gina tensed up and released another orgasm. Her scream this time was much louder. It was a scream that drew the attention of all. The woman turned from the body builder when she heard the scream.

The woman who drew Gina's attention now watched Frank slam his cock into her. She sat up from the body buider's cock and called out, "take it in, woman." Gina is being released from a day of sorrow into a day of ectasy. The woman would have never guessed what Gina was previously experiencing. Like herself, she saw a woman enjoying her orgasm.

With new feelings, she grabbed Frank's cock. Gina placed it up to her ass and cries out to Frank, "put it in my ass!" Her wetness was enough to soak Frank's cock. She pushed her ass up and now wanted him in her. Frank slowly entered her butthole and she screamed with each inch it entered. Her little butt hole was opening more with each moan. She pushed her ass back to him when she felt more comfortable.

The woman layed her body builder down on his back. She pointed his cock cock up and slammed herself down on it. She was in view of Gina and Frank when she rode the body builder. She pushed down on him and said, "these two can keep me going all night!"

The two big busted women are are on the tall man. One was on his cock and the other was sitting on his face. The woman on his cock cries out to the older woman, "honey, we can't believe how she has turned us on." The one sitting on his face couldn't speak from the sensations building in her. She pulled her clit and released her orgasm on the tall guy's face. The other woman rode his cock with deep thrusts and tensed up from the slamming she was giving the tall guy's cock. She pushed down everytime Frank pushed in Gina's ass. Her orgasm was heard across the yard.

Frank saw Gina tense up a third time. He felt his balls swelling from her movements. He felt her pulsating and then pushed his cock in deep into her ass. Gina screamed from another orgasm. Frank pulled out slowly and Gina turned fast to take his cock in her mouth.

Gina again, swallowed cum as her body finished pulsating from the orgasm. Frank, saw this beautiful woman sucking his cock and released his cum. She sucked him until every bit of semen was tasted. Exhilarated, her body had after shocks from her orgasm. Frank's body shivered as Gina continued to hold on to his softening penis.

The older woman trembled and the body builder screamed. He unloaded his cum into her. The big chested woman on the tall man, moans as she rode herself to orgasm. She collapses off his cock, and the massaging burnette came over to take the tall guy's cock in her mouth. A moan with each lick. She pumped her head back and fourth on his shaft. He tensed up and was treated to another gush of semen into a woman's mouth.

Moments of shaking, trembling and screaming before everyone lays to rest.

Frank now saw everyone relaxing and asked, "who wants a drink?" A laugh is heard from everyone. Then the burnette looked up and said, "Who's the guy watching out of the window next door?" Gina close to Frank whispers, "who's taking pictures now, Honey? Did you forget your camera?"

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All comments are appreciated! What do we need to add!
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Last edited:
wondering....

wondering if my grammar is bad...is it too long...wow...what all you authors have to go through!
 
Hey Winemaster, welcome to Literotica!

The Story Discussion circle does some hard-core close-to-the-bone story analyses/ The analyses take a lot of time, and so to make it fair we have a rule that before you can put your story up for review, you've got to participate in reviewing 2 or 3 other authors' stories. (I forget the details. They're all in the sticky at the top on the forum board).

Anyhow, if you just want thumbs-up/thumbs-down opinions on your story, you might try posting it to the Story Feedback board where they do that kind of stuff.

One thing though: double space all your paragraphs if you'e going to cut and paste. I had a look at your story text, and it was just about unreadable for the lack of blank space.

---dr.M.
 
Hi winemaster,

I read your story. Dr.M was right about double spacing paragaphs. Also, it's good to keep your paragraphs to less than 9 lines. (A suggestion I sometimes fail to follow, haha) Gina is the main character in your story, so you should describe her more fully (not just physical features, but also thoughts, expressions, etc.) I got confused at one point in your story. The tall guy shot a load of semen in her throat and Frank kept pushing his cock in and out of her. She felt her orgasm come on strong and her body tensed up so quickly. Frank, held his cock in as she orgasmed and then she turn her head and told him, "more". He went back to pounding her pussy. The tall guy left, and she put her face on the floor as Frank gave it to her doggie style. She was tensing up again. For all she could think about was this large cock in her intimate spot being torn from him.

If she wemt into the jacuzzi in her underwear then Frank was Fucking her from behind while she sucked off the tall guy. Then she put her face on the floor.
When did she get out of the hot tub? She would have drowned otherwise! Just a few wrinkles to get out.
 
Thanks

all this input is good stuff....thanks for the comments! Will start working on it! And will read the other board....
 
It reads rather choppy for me... do you want it to be picked apart? I like the basic storyline. I'll read it again when I have more time... :kiss:
 
yes, let me hear

Well, that is great input. You did say something positive - so tell me....what is "choppy" about it....I want to correct. This has been fun to do and fun to learn how to write. I appreciate anything you "pick on"....isn't that a thing all authors have to go through...
 
Winemaster said:
Well, that is great input. You did say something positive - so tell me....what is "choppy" about it....I want to correct. This has been fun to do and fun to learn how to write. I appreciate anything you "pick on"....isn't that a thing all authors have to go through...

PM me an email address and I'll give you my opinion, unless you want it here :D. Fair warning, I'm still learning myself, but I will pass on what I have learned.

I'm reading and making notes now. :kiss:
 
good start

Winemaster, your basic idea is good, just watch your sentence structure (run-on's, changes in tense, etc.)

My suggestion: read a lot of stories. LOTS OF THEM!! If you pay attention to the better author's stories, you'll learn a lot more than by just throwing a story out there, and then letting people help you fix it, bit by bit.

You'll do fine, though...and don't worry about getting an "H" on every story!

Writing can just be good therapy, too (it must be for me...mine hardly ever get an "H" ... LOL!)

Keep at it...
 
wood, good advice

true..it has been good therapy...and it can also be frustrating...
thanks for your comments! I have been reading stories and you are correct..you get "an awareness" from it.
 
Doc's right about what he said, in each post. One, while these people are willing to help, it's really not the right place for this to be posted. In the story-circle,they do this thing severyday. Get involved.

Two, it's too much type without spaces. I just skimmed it and was getting a headache.

And a bit of my own advice (yes, from the mere skimming) writing in the present tense makes your story read less like prose than it does a film or television script. It often makes it more difficult for the reader to become connected to the characters, since it reads as though you should be seeing what goes on, meaning through someone else's eyes, instead of reading.

Just my .02

Q_C
 
gotwood49 said:
My suggestion: read a lot of stories. LOTS OF THEM!! If you pay attention to the better author's stories, you'll learn a lot more than by just throwing a story out there, and then letting people help you fix it, bit by bit..
That's an old piece of advice, and still one of the best ......

But don't read my stories. I have a somewhat unique style ;)
 
ok...back to work for me!

OK...so it seems that the "present tense" thing is what I have to work on. I was given some advice that the story shouldn't be "told like a reporter" and another very good comment was not to include - "was, was, was"...
back to work!
I want to thank everyone for thier advice.....And I may not have placed it in the correct place. But where does one turn for help? Do I go to the English teacher's in school and ask them to correct it? LOL
 
Winemaster said:
But where does one turn for help? Do I go to the English teacher's in school and ask them to correct it? LOL
Have you tried contacting an editor? I know it can be a pain to find one, but the only other suggestion has already been said, take part in the story discussion circle which means you have to help others in order to earn help for yours. Not that I'm knocking that in any way, I think it's a great board, you just didn't seem interested.
 
Winemaster said:
OK...so it seems that the "present tense" thing is what I have to work on. I was given some advice that the story shouldn't be "told like a reporter" and another very good comment was not to include - "was, was, was"...
back to work!
I want to thank everyone for thier advice.....And I may not have placed it in the correct place. But where does one turn for help? Do I go to the English teacher's in school and ask them to correct it? LOL

Tell you what. If you want to e-mail this to me, I'll give a quick editing a try, after you make whatever changes you want to make. I owe you one for your vote and comment on ATP: Dana afterall.

Q_C
 
wanted to let everyone know!

Quiet Cool - you are one smart guy...you give very good advice. I sent you this in a PM...but want to promote your intellegence on the thread!
 
Winemaster said:
And I appreciate any comments - good or bad. I know my grammar may need some help.

You asked about what makes the story "choppy." I think it's the fact that the story reads more like the outline of a story than a completed story -- you're telling instead of showing. Each paragraph is more a description of a scene than a fully realized scene -- you need to "flesh out" the scenes a little more.

I quoted the first and last paragraphs to illustrate a couple of other points.

Winemaster said:
House in the suburbs.

Gina a suburban wife, is about to face a change in her life. An energetic woman, she is always upbeat about her life and 10 year marriage. She greets everyone with a smile and is always willing to listen. Her passion for life and love is the center of her universe.

...

Frank now sees everyone relaxing and asks, "who wants a drink?" A laugh is heard from everyone. Then the blonde looks up and says, "Who's the guy watching out of the window next door?" Gina close to Frank whispers, "who's taking pictures now, Honey? Did you forget your camera?"

You first paragraph is a definition of your main character. It's not quite a "reward poster" but similar; it's a list of facts that should be revealed over the course of the story rather than lumped into a single indigestible chunk.

There is no real "hook" to make the reader want to continue with the story.


You last paragraph ilustrates a problem with dialaogue: It should be three separate paragraphs because there are three different speakers.

"A laugh is heard from everyone" is much better phrased as "everyone laughed."

WhisperSecret's How To Essay "Teaching your characters to talk" would help your dialogue a great deal.


This has the makings of a very good story. I like the premise and the characters can be built into some interesting people but it needs a lot of work.
 
amazes me how much there is to learn

I have worked on this story and it amazes me how much I still have to learn about writing. I want to thank all of you for comments. Will get back to work on it!
 
adding and editing

I hate that when I am editing...I end up adding more...is that good?
 
Winemaster said:
I hate that when I am editing...I end up adding more...is that good?

Depends on what you're adding, wine...

If it feels natural, go with it. If it feels forced, reconsider.

Q_C
 
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