Ways to Shore Up My Marriage?

I have been married for 27 years to a good man. Lately though I have been feeling very troubled. I never thought I'd say this, but recently I have been questioning the condition my marriage is in.

I have to stress, MrB is a good man. He is loyal, a good provider, and he's never ever given me reason to doubt his love. Our sex life has always been fairly active, if routine.

I know I have it better than a lot of women, I know I do. But I am so discontent. I don't want a divorce, I don't think, but the prospect of spending the rest of my life feeling like this fills me with dread. I don't want to start resenting him for nothing more than being the man he is. He hasn't done anything wrong. Maybe it's me.

Anybody have any thoughts on this? I want us both to want to be married to each other.


(BTW, thanks, Bobmi)

Bobsgirl, it's a courageous thing to ask for help when you're troubled and I salute you for taking this chance.

I wish I had something of real value to offer other than my encouragement but please know that I hope the discussion here helps you. If you receive here even half of the help you've given others in this forum, you will surely find some useful answers to your dilemma.

BG, this sounds more like you're discontent with yourself rather than discontent with the marriage.

One thing my mom did when we kids finally left the nest was to go back to school. I'm not saying that is what you should do, but maybe its time to see what you can do to branch out beyond the marriage. Your life and that of your husband are central to the relationship, but that doesn't mean excluding everything else from your life.

It really sounds like you've turned your life into your marriage instead of incorporating your marriage into your life.

If I were you, I would try to figure out what is making me feel this way, then explore things you can do to make these feelings go away. For some people, they turn to hobbies, for others they turn to second careers, or volunteer work or even school. From the sound of it, you have a good marriage, now all you need to do is find something to fill the other voids in your life.

I have to agree with

Bobmi357 I think you are expecting too much from your marriage.

One of my favorite movie lines is from Sean Connery "What are you prepared to do?"

If you had enough: MONEY, TIME and Support WHAT WOULD YOU DO WHEN YOU GROW UP?

Good luck to you. Trust me you are far ahead of other in simmilar sittuations that just get stuck being unhappy and not working on a solution.

Holden

The perception and intelligence of this community never fails to impress me. Thank you, gentlemen. for your thoughts.

Maybe I should have named this thread, "How to Find Your True Self After the Kids Grow Up." I always thought I would rejoice and go wild after my babies grew up, but honestly I have never gone through anything in my life that is harder than this.

I feel like I have been forced into retirement before I was ready. I've been looking at my life and trying to figure out what it is I want to do that will fulfill me. That kind of reassessment isn't for sissies.

That's a big part of it. But there is still some dissatisfaction with the relationship I have with my husband. I'm definitely not interested in looking outside my marriage, just to make that clear. I just want to smile again when he walks into the room--and mean it. I don't want to believe that a many-years-old marriage inevitably evolves into close companionship with the occasional round of sex.

I don't know if this is making any sense. My thoughts are pretty confused right now.

Is it possible that Mr. B might have some of the same feelings, afterall you are both going through a change in your homelife, I'd think the adjustment is somewhat three-fold; adjustments for you, him and your life together.

Do you think you could broach the subject with him, talk about the changes you notice, the feelings that brings to you, in a general sense? There might be some common ground to work with as you take it a bit further.

The statement Bobmi made about fitting your marriage into your life is so interesting, I can relate to that as a woman, I have a feeling more women do the opposite - perhaps it is an old fashion idea but I'm not sure it is out of fashion, even if it isn't such a good idea to the individual.

I wish there was something more I could offer.....

bobsgirl said:

....snip....I don't want to believe that a many-years-old marriage inevitably evolves into close companionship with the occasional round of sex.....snip....

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I think that's pretty much what a marriage does evolve into. And I do not mean that in a bad way at all.

My suggestion - would it be possible to take a tiny vacation alone? Just a weekend off somewhere? Being alone and having the luxury to just 'be' is a very good thing. Plus - it may help you recall all the things you adore about your husband?

If that doesn't work I could tell you horror stories of my 22 years as a single. That might snap you right back into reality! lol

I think you have a touch of Empty nest syndrome.

Come out of retirement and go do stuff.
Write down what makes you happy, challenged, excited, things that you would like to do or achieve.

And go do them.

I have a lovely 80 year old friend who keeps herself so busy it isn't funny.

Last week she told me she was going to do a basic computer course and is so keen on the idea that her excitement is infectious.

I bet if you go do stuff and get interested in doing things outside of the home then you will feel like yourself again and be smiling big time as Mr bob comes through the door.

As one door shuts another always opens.

I forgot to add - try dating again with Mr B. It's hilarious fun and brings spice to your marriage. Surprize him by calling him and engaging in steamy talk with lots of laughter.

When you have been married or in a relationship for years you can become comfortable with each other and some of the things you used to do for each other get lost amidst your busy lives.

Find quality time for each other.

Originally posted by bobsgirl
....snip....I don't want to believe that a many-years-old marriage inevitably evolves into close companionship with the occasional round of sex.....snip....

Just a Q... How long did it take u to reach this level?

Let me explain myself… my husband and I have been very happily married for over three years. While our marriage itself is in fab shape, we are now more “the best of friends who enjoy sex with each other.” We share the same outlook in life and all… he is as open as I am and we don’t have any kids…

The point of this being – isn’t this what we were aiming for in the 1st place? A partner who you can trust and depend on no matter what…

Sure the electricity might have faded a bit – but how long can the intensity and the heat of the initial relationship last... Also, stuff that intense usually doesn’t really withstand the test of time…

As Debbie put it, its not you or your husband, its not your relationship, it’s the great empty nest syndrome…

My Mom too went back to college after all of us left the house. And well, now she is as happy as ever…

Hope my rambling helps…

bobsgirl said:

That's a big part of it. But there is still some dissatisfaction with the relationship I have with my husband. I'm definitely not interested in looking outside my marriage, just to make that clear. I just want to smile again when he walks into the room--and mean it. I don't want to believe that a many-years-old marriage inevitably evolves into close companionship with the occasional round of sex.

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Of course you should smile when he walks in, after all, he is a Bob and we Bobs are pretty special!

But seriously, I think what you need is some outside of the home activities, be they volunteer work, going back to school with the intent of getting a job or just finding a hobby that gets you outside and away from the house and hubby for a few hours a day.

If your Bob is like the rest of us Bobs, then I think you'll find him supportive of anything that makes you happy (so long as making you happy doesn't mean you leaving him). And now that the kids have flown the coop, why not plan a vacation for the express purpose of getting to know your husband again as a man instead of just the father you've known him as for all these years? It can be as elaborate or as simple as you wish, a few days away or longer, in country or out, but just plan on spending time together getting to know each other again as people and not as parents to your mutual kids.

Its good thing you're not planning on leaving him. Once a Bob's girl, always a Bob's girl and I'm not available.

Bobmi357 said:

Of course you should smile when he walks in, after all, he is a Bob and we Bobs are pretty special!

But seriously, I think what you need is some outside of the home activities, be they volunteer work, going back to school with the intent of getting a job or just finding a hobby that gets you outside and away from the house and hubby for a few hours a day.

If your Bob is like the rest of us Bobs, then I think you'll find him supportive of anything that makes you happy (so long as making you happy doesn't mean you leaving him). And now that the kids have flown the coop, why not plan a vacation for the express purpose of getting to know your husband again as a man instead of just the father you've known him as for all these years? It can be as elaborate or as simple as you wish, a few days away or longer, in country or out, but just plan on spending time together getting to know each other again as people and not as parents to your mutual kids.

Its good thing you're not planning on leaving him. Once a Bob's girl, always a Bob's girl and I'm not available.

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LOL. Yes I have to agree--Bobs as a group tend to be pretty good guys. I'm sure Alyx will agree with me.

The concensus here seems to be I need to work on me, and I guess I knew that deep down. A long vacation sounds heavenly, away from everyday stress, and ESPN (oops, did I say that?). We went on a cruise for our 20th anniversary, and it was wonderful.

Thanks, guys, you've been very supportive, and helpful. I appreciate all of you very much.

You may be right, Bobmi, about once a bobsgirl, always a bobsgirl. The two boys I was madly in love with in high school were both named Bob.

Bob's are interesting creatures. Low maintenance, undemanding in most respects, quirky sense of humor and so generous with the girl who's lucky enough to share his life. Of course, I'm ever so slightly biased, but after more than 10 years with a Bob, I can honestly say from one Bob's Girl to another that life doesn't getting any better than a life shared with a Bob!

I think my Bob's right though. You need a combination of "You" activities, and "Us" activities. On the days when you're a football widow, schedule "You" activities". Crafts, volunteer work, a few college classes, etc. The "Us" activities don't have to be elaborate affairs either. Heck, it could be something as simple as a picnic…in bed! Doesn't have to lead to sex, but you're in a good place if it does! A walk in the park, a hike in the hills or bike riding. Pick a shared hobby. For Bob and I it was astronomy. Nothing like being out on a hot summer night, under the stars, no one around… ~Sigh~

Give it a try! It certainly won't hurt, and you may just rediscover your marriage! Good luck hon!

~The Other Bob's Girl~

Hey! Bob's don't appreciate you talking behind their backs like this! Why its enough to make me want to spell my name backwards in protest!!!!

boB!!!

There! I spelt it backwards! So there.

Hmmm I'm not demanding enough eh? I DEMAND DONUTS!!!! Ok, if there are no donuts available, I'll settle for a blowjob, but I'd really like a Duncan Donuts Chocolate Creme Donut..... ah... a donut to die for!

Well I have to agree with you Bob, no not you the other Bob. I`m not a Bob, but I do know one.

What all the Bobs said is true.
Its very hard to change old habits, but you need to do something for yourself, even if it is only something small.
You need to be happy with yourself only then can you start to be happy with Bob.

It is hard in long term relationships to not be annoyed by small things, yet we bottle them up until they become huge and out of proportion, and when we are asked what is wrong we cant say. Perhaps a dinner for the two of you, nothing more, plan a time when there is nothing waiting to be done, no reason to rush off.
Just talk, it`s something we don`t do often enough, we talk about all the stuff that needs to be done, but we hardly ever just talk to each other, about nothing.

Well I`m not saying this is going to work, I`m just trying to give you another option. Maybe something that has been posted will be of use. It seems like you almost need to start your relationship all over again, re-learn the things that attracted you to each other, or even find new things about each other. You`ve been together 27 years you have probably heard all this before. I hope you can find a way to re-kindle the spark.

Good Luck

Bobsgirl --

One of the great mysteries of life is why women like us -- who have wonderful, supportive spouses -- become so dissatisfied with the nature of our marriages. When you figure it out, please let me know, as I am anxiously awaiting the answer.

I have "full nest syndrome" -- two small children -- and I have the same issues you do. Love my husband. Would never leave him. Everything is really good -- he still makes me laugh, knows all the right moves emotionally, sexually, has given me so much freedom it is not even funny. But I want that white hot love and desire for him again that I used to have. I don't know how to get it back. I suspect that it's just that real life has gotten in the way and that we honestly haven't had the time to connect. I hope that's it.

All of which is to say that I was glad to see your post in a "wow I'm not alone" sort of way, and I certainly hope that you can muddle through it as I am without hurting your husband, yourself, or your marriage too terribly much.

Take care.

hausfrau said:

I have "full nest syndrome" -- two small children -- and I have the same issues you do.

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Heh... If you have full nest syndrome, i've got fullER nest syndrome. i've got three young people running around. The oldest is 5.

my husband and i actually just went through something very similar to all of this. He's ever so graciously 'let' me stay at home to be mommy since the oldest turned a year old. Keeping the kids turned into my life - except i knew that it wasn't -my- life, it was somebody else's and i was stuck living it. If that makes any sense. We tried talking things over, changing a few things around, etc. but nothing worked. Things would improve for a month or so then go back to the way they were.

It got to the point that i put a bid on a house in town, brought the paperwork to Him, and basically said THIS is the house i'm taking the kids to, this is the realtor i'm working with, this is the company that approved the loan, and this is where i got hired on. i started working November 1. He had a deadline, one week from that date, to change my mind. It was about that time He finally admitted that He had been listening when we talked, but hadn't been paying attention to what was being said.

Since then we've rediscovered ourselves. We drop the kids off at the inlaws' house at least once every couple of weeks so we can have the house to ourselves as adults. He's taking more time with the kids and has gotten His work schedule changed so that i can rediscover what was lost about myself. It's been working.

Anyway, what all this rambling boils down to is that one of you HAS the time to find out what it is you've either forgotten about yourself or have yet to discover about yourself, and the other NEEDS the time. All it takes is a little time and a lot of work.

Something to threaten the SO with doesn't hurt, either.

Alyx--You and I are the Bob experts. Quirky sense of humor indeed. I have always wanted to attach a boxing glove to a yardstick so I can give him a good one when those dopey "dad" jokes get to be too much. And his influence has rubbed off on our 22-year-old son, so now both of them can torment me with their cornball jokes.

Bobmi, you old palindrome you! I thought donuts were off your diet.

quoll, thank you. Sometimes just sitting and talking is just the thing to reconnect.

hausfrau, I've been there, done that. You're definitely not alone.

And entitled? You are a gutsy broad. I salute you! I'm glad it worked for you. Maybe I should just go buy that convertible that I've always wanted and tell MrB to just deal with it!

Really, thank you all so much. If anything, this has shown me that I was right about all the good souls in this community.

bobsgirl said:

And entitled? You are a gutsy broad. I salute you! I'm glad it worked for you. Maybe I should just go buy that convertible that I've always wanted and tell MrB to just deal with it!

Click to expand...

Only if you swing by and pick me up!

entitled
(who has a soft spot for convertibles)

bobsgirl said:

Bobmi, you old palindrome you! I thought donuts were off your diet.

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Donuts are off my diet, and Alyx the goose stepping food warden makes sure none gets within 20 miles of this house. But I can dream of donuts can't I?

Alyx really isn't as bad as I make her out to be as a food warden. But I REALLY wish she'd stop buying goodies that I don't like.

I'm trying to convince her that when I get a really bad craving for something sweet, sex is a good substitute, but I don't think she believes me.

Originally posted by Bobmi357


I'm trying to convince her that when I get a really bad craving for something sweet, sex is a good substitute, but I don't think she believes me.

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Even if you tell her sex is good exercise?

I think we all start out thinking life is something that happens to us and somewhere along the way realize that we are responsible for our lives. If you want it to change, it isn't going to be up to someone else to do that for you.

Two people from here who I've come to admire greatly for their relationship are Marksgirl and Tank. They came to a crossroads in their marriage a few years ago and decided together to work at bringing the sparks back. They really talked about the direction they wanted to go in and worked together to be more of a couple than old married people who live together. I think they'll each tell you that it wasn't always easy, but they worked on it and are probably more like teenagers in love now than when they met. Their joy in each other is infectious. You can't do what they've done without a good foundation of trust, respect and honest communication -- but that's a good place to start.

I wish you the best in your adventure!

Cathleen said:

The statement Bobmi made about fitting your marriage into your life is so interesting, I can relate to that as a woman, I have a feeling more women do the opposite - perhaps it is an old fashion idea but I'm not sure it is out of fashion, even if it isn't such a good idea to the individual.

Click to expand...

I have passed this comment many times, and felt it deserved a reply, but I was not quite sure how to word it without having every woman on the board jump all over me. But I think I can do this.

Its not a case of it being old fashioned Cathleen, although I dare say women have turned their lives into their marriages since the dawn of time. I think its a case of it being easier to turn ones life into their marriage than incorporating ones marriage into one's life. Think about it.

Wife, Mother, ... I won't say those are easy jobs, but they are only two jobs, add career and career pressures in there and suddenly it becomes much more complex (As any working Mom will attest to). Trying to extend one's life outside of the home and the inherent responsibilities that the woman accepts as a wife and mother means that the workload suddenly becomes more intense. Pressure from the family, pressure from the career, pressure from her husband, all demanding her time and energy. In thinking about it, its easy to see how a woman could fall into the boat that BG's fallen into. And while I'm trying very hard not to sound chauvanistic, society expects women to fall into the roles of wife and mother at some point in their lives.

Children place a tremendous burden on a couple, not just financially, but in terms of time and energy. Its one of the reasons why the single most popular advice I got when I got married the first time was to wait on kids for several years.

So basically what I'm saying is its easy to fall into the concept of one's life being one's marriage. Its not necessarily a bad thing, but as BG is discovering, once the kids have flown the coop, its not entirely fufilling either.

Bob's Girl's problem is two fold. For the past umpteenth years she's been wife and mother and now she's confronted with an empty nest. Both her and her husband need time to adjust and redefine their relationship. Additionally BG and Mr B need time to remember what they were like before the kids came along. I don't mean sexually, although that should play a role here, but also just down to the basics. There was before the kids came along, a friendship and feeling of belonging to something special that needs to be reawakened. Those feelings have been buried under years of parenthood.

With the kids gone, BG can branch out and do it without damaging her relationship. The demands placed upon her by the children has lessened considerably. She could easily handle a career, or schooling or even just a hobby if she wanted.

More important to her feeling of discontent however is that now she and her husband need to rediscover each other anew. For them its time to throw off parenthood and rekindle the relationship they had before kids were added to the mix.

Bobmi, I have no idea how that could offend any mother or wife on this board as it is spot-on.

I'll say that it is easy to fit marriage into life as opposed to life into marriage once you decide that life comes first and marriage is only a part of life, though a significant one, if you have a supportive and loving partner who gives you the freedom to find yourself again.

Fondly,

hausfrau (who has spent the better part of her weekend driving around in her new sports car).

I have been mulling this over all morning.

When one of the partners in a marriage is feeling a lack of something in the relationship, isn't it up toboth partners to try to find a solution?

I have not been getting a lot of support from MrB in this area. I'm beginning to think I never will.

Maybe I have it all wrong, though.