Discussion from the grassroots: KarenAM

This thread is intended as a gathering for discusion pieces--critiques, comments, suggestions-- on KarenAM's fine story, in the sci fi erotic genre, "Need and Redemption,"

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=132014

This is a temporary or stop gap** measure, to allow the thread to proceed until our able and legitimate leader/moderator can get past her personal exigencies, and hopefully rejoin us soon.


karen's questions
//A few questions you can address is this: This story is set in a wider science-fiction universe that I use. Does it stand effectively on its own? And how do you like what you see here of the alien world?//




**Initiated by me, not KarenAM

J.

Some intro comments:

It takes a re reading, but it's a compelling vignette with lots of heat towards the end.

As I understand the design, Karen has taken an old premise of a female become overpowered with her lust, and re situated it, re explained it (i.e., not the old 'spanish fly' routine). Then she's added a fillip: K has some sense of shame, remaining (iow, not quite like a date rape drug, as I've heard). That makes it more piquant--erotic and well as degrading, but I feel K held back a little here, softened what could be a major rift in feeling. (e.g., the shame isn't as shameful as it might be).

That softening, imo, because K wants to run another theme, roughly, Karen's taking charge of herself in some way, beginning with seeking out the U village: Lust has been implanted, nurtured in me, to an overwhelming degree, but I will chose where and when I gratify it.

It's a bit reminiscent of the 'Scarlet Letter' idea, of pride and autonomy in shame.

The sex is hot, since it's excessive, but plausible. In effect K has concocted and re packaged a gang bang, but tastefully, even deliciously. Good sex writing, though the word choice sometimes jars, when it's vulgar (mostly it's not).

Given my bent tastes, were i in charge of dev't, I've have more shame and degradation; then have 'self' arise from that. As it is, there is a romantic flavor, of 'well and truly fucked', I'm me again.

Nice work. (Word has controls for 'centering' versus left alignment, btw.

A couple passages, for comment:

"Beg, Susan. Let us hear your need."

She trembled. This was a thing she feared, a thing they all feared. Not to be aroused, for that they could not help; their masters had seen to that. But to say it, to admit you were a slave, a Taiyiha, and to admit your weakness and your helplessness, to say what you felt, this was shame. They had once, each of the Taiyiha, been free. They knew freedom and remembered it.

But you did beg, with the Usahar. Always. Perhaps this aroused them, to see you so degraded. Perhaps. But it was more than this, too. Because Susan knew what the pleas did to her, how they made her feel. They were hot, erotic. They were that ultimate surrender to her feelings, that last release. To beg for cock, for use, to beg to taste the cum of an Usahar, to beg to be taken hard, they were the loss of self.
[...]
=============
To be Taiyiha, of course, meant to be used. The shame in that was mitigated by the fact that you did not ask for use but that it came at the whim of your masters. No matter what she might do or have done to her, this fact remained.

But here and now, in this village, the guilt was not on the Usahar, not at all. It was her guilt, her shame. She had come to them, knowing what they were and what they would do. Indeed, she had come seeking this very thing, to be opened and used and taken, to taste the richness of them.

Generally well done, introducing the 'shame' theme. Possibly less use of the word 'shame' and more 'showing' and indirect telling, would improve these otherwise fine passages.

--
Hope to see more of your stuff in the future,

J.

Well I didn't really like it. One thing is the creatures where not desribed very well. Second it just kind of bored me, it's like one little thing happens to her and then we have to pyscho analyze it in detail. I know this was meant for us to see the conflict in her, but it just bored me. I feel you could have cut down on the analyzing without lossing the feeling. I didn't have any problems with the writing, question did you center it to have a more poetic feel?

Ah, the centering. Quite accidental, I'm afraid. I made the mistake of centering the scene breaks, which were four asterisks, and somehow when the story went up everything beneath the first scene break got centered.

That's what I get for trying to be clever.

Unless, of course, you decide that the centering is a sign of incredible genius which the world has not seen since Shakespeare, in which case I take full credit for it.

Anyway, carry on! The comments so far have been interesting, useful, and appreciated.

I hope I didn't offend you I realize my review was a bit harsh. I hope you didn't take offense. I wish I had written my story as well as yours is, then maybe the editing would be going faster.

KarenAM, Just wondering if you recieved my feedback for your story that I emailed you a few days ago.

Some suggestions.

Lord N, and others:

What's helpful and interesting are the *reasons* you give, more than "It's boring," or even "I like it."

Some general questions that are always relevant to a story, besides questions of mechanics, like grammar and spelling, word choice:

1.Judging from the story, what was the author trying to do? was s/he trying to write a particular *type* (genre) of story? Did s/he succeed? (tell why).

2. How is the action and plot? (believable, contrived) Do events make sense? Are the characters interesting and/or 'real'?

3. Since this is porn or erotica, does the story arouse? why? why not? (If a story is simply about some practice that's 'not your cuppa tea', just say so.) Who do you think *might get off on the story?

4. Since this is porn or erotica, to what extent is it a simple 'formula'? Are there are creative 'twists' or variations, or is it entirely routine and predictable.?

Any other questions the author poses.

Relevant to Karen:

Why set up an alternate reality? Is it plausible? Intriguing? What if anything was accomplished? Does it heighten the sex and erotism?

J.

No worries, Lord Naraku. I wasn't offended in the least.

slicknhb, I did get your e-mail, and I appreciate the feedback; it was actually very helpful and I will try and integrate your suggestions into my work in the future. For those of you who cannot read our minds, slicknhb suggested more description, which considering my oft-spartan writing style, is a good idea. I should have written you back and thanked you, and I apologize for not doing so (darn being busy and forgetful...).

Pure, "Need & Redemption" is set in a science fiction universe I created to explore the conflict between human desire, particularly sexual desire, and the notion we like to embrace that we are more than animals. It also allowed me to heighten the sex by having the aliens who abducted the women enhance their sexual performance while at the same time enhancing their need for sexual release. In that sense you could call these stories a sexual fantasy, but I also want to explore the human reaction to being placed in a world where sex, including naughty, even degrading sex (the Taiyiha are slaves, after all) is normative, and where freedom and the slaves' former lives are denied to them.

One of the reasons I asked the question I did about whether or not the story stands on its own is because it is part of a larger creation that includes my published novel and several more which are in draft form. I worry that because I know this world so well, I might assume the reader knows it too, even if I fail to explain something.

Anyhow, thanks, and carry on!

KarenAM said:

slicknhb, I did get your e-mail, and I appreciate the feedback; it was actually very helpful and I will try and integrate your suggestions into my work in the future. For those of you who cannot read our minds, slicknhb suggested more description, which considering my oft-spartan writing style, is a good idea. I should have written you back and thanked you, and I apologize for not doing so (darn being busy and forgetful...).

Click to expand...

The literotica feedback system is not always reliable so I just wanted to make sure you got it. I'm glad that you found my comments helpful.

Pure,

I didn't take offense at what you said, but I believe it's very important that a writer knows whether a story is boring and if it's liked or not. Also I tried my best to explain why I felt the way I did. Anyway if my reviews are not needed please let me know and I will devote more time to my own writing efforts.

Lord N said,

Pure,

I didn't take offense at what you said, but I believe it's very important that a writer knows whether a story is boring and if it's liked or not. Also I tried my best to explain why I felt the way I did. Anyway if my reviews are not needed please let me know and I will devote more time to my own writing efforts.

Do stick around Lord N. Consider giving more, not less.!

Further, I did not say the judgment 'boring' was without importance. I said, from the writer's perspective, your reasons are *more important. There are indeed some truly boring stories-- and some truly boring NONstories, here at Lit., where anything grammatical and punctuated properly may be posted.

In this case, your reason was one sentence, of eight. I _think_ it had some truth to it, but I couldn't entirely grasp what you meant, since there were no details or examples.

Please elaborate. My suggestions were not intended to upset you.

J.

Lord N said,

//Pure,

I didn't take offense at what you said, but I believe it's very important that a writer knows whether a story is boring and if it's liked or not. Also I tried my best to explain why I felt the way I did. Anyway if my reviews are not needed please let me know and I will devote more time to my own writing efforts.//

Hi Karen,

Since you did pose the question, which I did not answer directly:

One of the reasons I asked the question I did about whether or not the story stands on its own is

I called it a vignette, since, imo, the piece, in and of itself is a little short of a 'short story.' It might serve as a 'hook' to get readers to buy your next book--hot scene.

While there is some conflict around shame and being subordinated (besides being consumed), my opinion is that this was softened too much; hence there was not, in the given span, enough to make 'redemption' plausible. Probably not an easy task, it must be said. Further, the 'character' of the redemption is not limned in detail. We know the lead character is well and truly fucked in every orifice, repeatedly, which is kinda neat (I would suppose), but this sort of redemption of woman through application of many cocks is in itself too formulaic.

What would be a remedy. ** If the subject is truly 'need', i.e., this craving that's implanted, then, in my opinion, LESS focus on her satisfaction (orgasm) at each penetration, and more focus on--to use your term-- the shame of the circumstances. For instance, besides have some NONenjoyable penetrations (or ones that merely increase the craving); have her, for example fucked in the ear by a less than handsome, less than nobly cocked beast-- and enjoy THAT!.

In terms of the larger picture, and I'm not generally a sci fi person, unless it's Sturgeon or Dick, I think more complexity would be important. I do see the appeal, which you've done well, for both male and female readers, of 'woman consumed with lust' (where were they all, when I've needed them?), but more elements need to be drawn out, more nuances of shame (note the similarity of the quoted passages), and perhaps a range of outcomes, if there's a colony of the wonderful lasses: from 'ruin' and degradation, to triumph of self in (Camus style) grasping one's absurd fate.

I hope this is of some help. Remember you, in this case, give reader/critics a tough job, sorta like an automobile designer showing the steering wheel and front seat of a proposed design, and saying, "What do you think of this, as part of a car?".

Best,
J.

**Since the piece is an excerpt, no 'remedy' per se may be called for (since a short story may not be the objective), depending on what the additional material comprises.

Karen,

A very imaginative read. I could almost think of it as a sci/fi version of, “The Story of O”. I’ve done a lot of line edit type things on the first quarter of your story. I didn’t finish due to a time squeeze and I was afraid that, as a non-sci/fi writer, I might be totally off base.

Here’s a few for what it’s worth thoughts. IMHO, your opening is slow, a tad dull, and lack a good hook. However, after about 200 words, there’s a paragraph that might make a much stronger opening. I’ve made notes (IN CAPS) around that paragraph.

Due to the story's new terms, the opening also seemed confusing. Sci/fi fans might have no trouble with this but for the typical reader, each new term is a potential minefield of confusion. Try to slip in new terms gradually and, whenever possible, with explanations. Think of them as new people you meet at a party.

Maybe it’s just me again, but you seem to use a lot of long, complex sentences, a lot of “ly” adverbs, and a lot of modifiers such as “of course” and “as well”. There's nothing "wrong" with any of that but they tend to slow the pace.

I agree with the others who said the sex scenes were well-done and the character development far above the Lit norm.

I hope this is some help. Let me know where I’ve confuse or insulted and I’ll lay it all off on Pure.

Rumple Foreskin

--

It had been more than three weeks when she finally sought out the Adhal.

Three weeks.

A long time; not unheard of, but long. And it was the Adhal who managed things, who controlled the day-to-day lives of (I’D SUGGEST ADDING “THE TAIYIHA” AT THIS POINT) the slaves. Maybe they only needed a reminder.

Three weeks.

Maybe.

Because she didn't know, honestly, if a reminder would do any good. No one understood the Adhal, for they were and remain even today (UNLESS IT’S IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT, OMIT “AND REMAIN EVEN TODAY”) inscrutable. Despite the intimacy of your training they had revealed only what they wanted you to know about themselves; their epics, their commands. Why they were here, and why they had brought you here, to Vandhaqa, these things were mysteries.

What they had brought you for, however, was clear.

Three weeks.

She felt the burning, the need, and did what she could to appease it. The other Taiyiha in the enclave had begun to notice, though it was not considered polite to mention such a thing, but they did notice and respond, perhaps with a small act of kindness, that extra smile at mealtime, that privacy given in the evenings when you did what you had to do. (VERY LONG SENTENCE)

Though (BUT?) it was not enough.

They knew this too. They too had been remade in the cocoon, long ago.

--

(IMHO, THIS PARAGRAPH HAS A STRONG HOOK AND WOULD MAKE A MUCH BETTER OPENING.)

It had been more than three weeks, and (NEW SENTENCE0 Susan's body needed the touch of an Usahar. She needed to be used.

So none of the other Taiyiha took much note when Susan emerged from her cell that day, the day the Adhal came. They watched her approach it, watched as it turned to her. It was, like all Adhal, tall, its head broader than its body, which flared up beneath it, and beneath its head the multitude of tendrils emerged, moving slowly, like thin seaweed in the tide.

Susan did not kneel; had it been an Usahar she would have. The Adhal spoke.

"Yes, Susan?"

"Have you come for me?" she asked.

It took a moment and regarded her. She could feel its gaze despite its lack of obvious eyes. The Adhal, she knew, saw much more than you might at first glance believe. (WEAK SENTENCE) What they were, and how they could do this, was yet another mystery.

But they had power. (“BUT” IMPLIES AN OPPOSITE BUT NO WEAKNESS HAS BEEN MENTIONED. MIGHT OMIT “BUT” THEN MAYBE ADD SOMETHING LIKE, “THEY HAD OTHER GREAT POWER.”

The Adhal extended a tendril, touched her bare breast. Susan moaned softly.

It had been more than three weeks.

The touch of an Adhal is more than a touch. There is energy to them, and you can feel this at their proximity. Susan felt her nipples stiffen, her collar and bracelets and anklets suddenly frozen in place, holding her there. The tendril caressed over the soft mound of her breast, wrapped around it and squeezed gently. She moaned again, her skin suddenly flush.

"You are warm, Taiyiha," the Adhal said.

"Yes," she moaned. "Please."

It had been more than three weeks. She was Taiyiha. (TO USE “YOU” IN THE REST OF THE PARAGRAPH W/O GRAMMATICALLY JARRING SOME FOLKS, OMIT “THIS” THEN ADD SOMETHING LIKE: “TO BE A TAIYIHA MEANT MANY THING.”) This meant, of course, (OMIT “OF COURSE”) many things. It meant that you (“SHE”) had been taken, brought to this world as a slave. It meant that you obeyed the Adhal and the Usahar, pleased them as they desired. It meant that you had been taught the Adhal epics, the stories of their world, of Vandhaqa, and it meant as well that (OMIT “AS WELL THAT”) you sat with other Taiyiha and recited the laments. But more than this it meant that you had been remade, that your body now betrayed you with needs and passions and hungers that brought joy and shame. (TO WHO/WHOM/WHAT?)

Such was the embrace of the Usahar, who were not men but were like them. (WHAT ABOUT THE ADHAL THAT’S GROPING HER?)

Like them and more.

Susan moaned again as the Adhal fondled her.

You needed the Usahar, here on Vandhaqa. You needed their touch, their commands, the release that came in their arms, and more than three weeks without one was a very long time.

Too long. Inwardly, silently, Susan begged.

Take me. Use me. Do me.

The Adhal had not moved, and now another tendril caressed over Susan's belly. She gasped softly as it moved down, over the soft bit of hair at her mons, then between her thighs. She felt as it pressed (PRESS) against the two outer lips of her sex, her body quivering at the energy of it, becoming moist with arousal.

"Please..." she whimpered now, as it pressed a little way into her. "Oh, God, please..." (PEDANTIC TECHNICAL POINT. THAT’S A MISUSE OF ELLIPSES. IT’S A COMMON MISTAKE. BUT THEY ONLY NOTE INTERRUPTIONS IN QUOTATIONS, NOT PAUSES. “HEY, KAREN, LET’S GET….” SHE BROKE IN, “GET LOST!” TO SHOW HER WHIMPERS TRAILING OFF, TRY A DASH. OTHERWISE A COMMA OR PERIOD WOULD PROBABLY WORK FINE.)

It held (REMAINED/STAYED) in place for a moment of delicious agony, the energy of it flowing into her, her vagina wet and alive, the tendril just touching her clitoris. And still the Adhal touched her breast, this tendril then moving across her slender body and over her back. She was still held by her bonds, her hips moving as much as they could, both trying to (MOVE “BOTH” HERE) escape the tendril and welcome it.

"Not warm, I think," said the Adhal. "Hot, rather. Tell me, Susan, what are you for?"

She moaned the ritual response. (COMBINE THIS AND THE NEXT SENTENCE INTO ONE PARAGRAPH.)

"I am for the pleasure of the Usahar."

The Adhal moved its head, just a bit. (COMBINE THIS WITH THE NEXT PARAGRAPH.)

"Very good, Taiyiha," it said. (IN COMBINED, OMIT “IT SAID”) "And so you will wait until they are ready for you."

It released her, and Susan ran to her cell, tears of need mixing with her tears of shame.

* * * *

Your toy helped; it was the one thing you possessed here, the one thing that was yours. No one disputed that. You used it when you had to, and as well (OMIT “AS WELL”) you used it to keep limber, to keep strong, down there. As (A?) Taiyiha you were frequently taken for the pleasure of the Usahar, and being strong made this easier.

But the relief a toy brought was not, in the end, enough.

Four weeks, now, at least.

She wondered why. They all did, from time to time. But it was hard, among (CHANGE “AMONG” TO “FOR” AND OMIT THE COMMAS) the Taiyiha, to talk about this, hard to ask questions for which you knew the others had no answers. Vandhaqa was a mystery, and why you were taken and used was a mystery. Were they random, the attentions of the Usahar? Certainly they seemed to be sometimes, when they would raid the enclave to take girls back to their (PLACE “NEARBY” HERE) villages nearby. Other times it was obviously planned, your use, as when the Adhal would prepare you in makeup and lingerie or a bondage harness and take you up to the palace.

Susan sat now, outside the entrance of the enclave, looking up at that palace. It was built on a ridge in the low valley, the one feature you could not ignore, massive. Two years ago, when she had first been brought here, she had asked an older girl what it was, that great building.

"The palace of Ekakhallar," the girl had said.(THIS TAG COULD BE OMITTED.)

"Who's that?" Susan asked.

"He rules here."

"Is he an Usahar? An Adhal?"

"We don't know."

But it was a palace; Susan had been up there many times since that day, taken from the enclave to work or be used. Yet though she knew the place, this was still only partial knowledge, only what she needed to know. (CONVOLUTED)

Which as a slave was very little.

Susan lowered her head into her folded arms, sighed. Some Taiyiha said there was a reason, when a girl was made to wait. Others said no. Last night Annette had recited the Lament of the Taiyiha, and (OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) one stanza in particular had remained in Susan's mind.

I beg.

Do you hear, Usahar? Do you know my plea?

Do you? Can you?

Do you know what it is, to be (A?) Taiyiha?

Do you know the need that burns inside me?

To feel your touch?

There was more than her (INDEFINITE PRONOUN. THE LAST PERSON MENTIONED WAS ANNETTE. IF THIS IS SUSAN, YOU SHOULD USE HER NAME) need, though.(PRONOUN ASIDE, A CONFUSING SENTENCE) This would normally be answered regularly; (NEW SENTENCE) as slaves, the Taiyiha had no control over when and where they were taken and with this loss of freedom came a loss of responsibility for their needs. You served and you obeyed, that was all.

All.

But now?

Why?

Other feelings were growing in Susan; her hunger had spread, dominating her thoughts. To kneel, naked, before an Usahar, to take its cock into your mouth. The taste of its cum.(WHAT’S IT TASTE LIKE?) Feeling it hold you, hold you hard so you couldn't escape, and spread your legs and fill you.(MAYBE: “WHILE SPREADING YOUR LEGS AND FILLING YOU.”)

Use you. Again and again.

I need this,(THAT AGAIN?) she thought. I want it.

She shuddered.

Because that was the one thing you didn't want to say, the thing you never said to another girl. You all (“YOU” WHO? MIGHT CHANGE “YOU ALL” TO “EVERYONE”) knew it, but it was wrong, what the Adhal and the Usahar had done to you, what they had made you feel. They controlled you through your needs, made you a whore.

A whore. Wanton, helpless. You did things, as a Taiyiha, things you had never thought you would do. How many times have you squirmed and begged (FOR WHAT: MORE, MERCY, A 40 HOUR WORK WEEK WITH O/T? J ) as they fucked you? she asked herself. You could, right now... (COULD WHAT?)

She shook her head. No. Don't think about that. Don't.

(KAREN, I’M GOING TO STOP THE LINE EDIT STUFF FOR TWO REASONS: I'VE RUN OUT OF TIME, AND I’M NOT SURE YOU EITHER WANT OR NEED ANY OF THIS. CRITS TEND TO SOUND NEGATIVE, BUT THIS WAS AN INTERESTING READ.)

//A few questions you can address is this: This story is set in a wider science-fiction universe that I use. Does it stand effectively on its own? And how do you like what you see here of the alien world?//


To the first question to me as a reader it is too vague. I want to say please tell me what these mysterious Usahar look like who are like men, but not?
There is a lot of that in here, things hinted at but not explained. I have to believe the larger story answers the questions left burning in the readers mind.

To the second question, I do not believe there is enough here to draw my interest in the alien world. Very little about it and all vague. It is more about her.

I will disagree with one critique here that said she analyzes to much etc. It depends on the reader and women readers like that. ~smiles.

I agree with Rumple the use of "you" throws me when reading it, and I would add, especially in this short, as to make it clearer with all the alien names being there, like Taiyiha slave, the Adhal trainer, or the Usahar Master.


Omni

Excellent feedback. Thanks, Pure, Omni, and Rumple, for some very helpful suggestions. All are much appreciated and I know they will be helpful in my present and future work!

Hopefully this positive experience will reinvigorate the discussion circle!

First of all, I have to ask about this formatting thing, the way the alternating sections are either aligned left, which is okay, or centered, which is not okay. I don’t understand it, and quite honestly, I don’t like it. It made what was a confusing read for me even more disorienting.

//A few questions you can address is this: This story is set in a wider science-fiction universe that I use. Does it stand effectively on its own? And how do you like what you see here of the alien world?//

For my part, I couldn’t tell much of what was going on. She’s Taiyiha, which I know because she seems to tell us every other paragraph, and I guess she’s a sex slave for the Usahar (“User”?), who are a race of man-like aliens who are not actually men because they’re always referred to as”it”. They’re pals with the Adhal, who have big heads and tentacles, and who are also turned on by earth chicks. What the Adhal have to do with this story is not clear (so why are they here at all? Part of a larger work, I imagine. Otherwise why have this one show up and give her a quick squeeze and then disappear?)

I gather that this is part of some epic or a chapter in a longer work. It has the feel of a well-developed alternate reality, but one that the author knows better than she explains, so I have to assume that what's going on is explained better in some other episode. We’re dropped into the middle, and to us there’s not much to notice about this world except that Susan's a sex slave and gets fucked a lot. Just what the Usahar look like isn’t made clear, except that they look like men and wear kilts and have enormous schlongs. Because they’re not described, it removes the whole visual element from the story. We can only guess who’s screwing her.

That leads up to what I think is the main problem with this story, which is that nothing really happens. She wants to get laid. She goes out and gets laid. End of story. The real focus here is on how she feels through all this, and without being able to see exactly what she’s experiencing, all we have is a stoiry about a woman getting violently fucked and feeling bad about it. But when she isn't getting violently fucked she's still feeling bad about things. The story’s really about her guilt and shame, which is the only thing (other than horniess) that she feels, and is something she feels from start to finish. Because of this, the story feels very static, and Susan’s basically in the same emotional place at the end that she was at the beginning, although now sexually satisfied.

So this is basically an internal story: a story about her feelings. It feels very strange to go through all the trouble of setting up this exotic universe and then concentrate on what's going on inside her head. It seems like a waste. Personally, I would have liked more sense of place. Is it hot or cold or wet or sunny or what. We get none of that. There's nothing to hang our mind's eye on.

Because we’re so focused on her feelings, the sex seemed very sketchy and vague to me. Maybe I should say at the outset that sex with non-humans has very little appeal to me, so maybe I’m prejudiced, but it seemed like the sex was just an opportunity for her to feel more shame and guilt.

On the other hand, the essence of erotic heat (for me) is the emotions the characters feel, and the Usahar apparently don't feel anything (for all I know they might be robots), and Susan's on her guilt trip throughout.

There was one scene that seemed to have some concrete sensuality to it: where Susan was forced to pose for the Usahar. But I found that scene difficult to understand. She was lying on her stomach and then she brought her knee up? How do you do that without rolling onto your side? For all its excess, the sex seemed kind of formulaic: each time she’s first forced to pose or stand for an examination; then the Usahar tell her how attractive she is; and then the fucking begins.

The writing’s very good. I really think you over do the one-sentence paragraph thing though. You know, where you have a paragraph of normal exposition, quite capable and readable prose, maybe going on just a tad too long or repeating itself too much for some readers though.

And then you stop.

Just stop.

Cold.

For emphasis.

That can be very effective, but overused it becomes gimmicky and even kind of annoying. There’s too much of it here.

You also have a habit of switching into second-person, apparently as a way of drawing the reader into the story by implying a universal "you", as in this excerpt:

You needed the Usahar, here on Vandhaqa. You needed their touch, their commands, the release that came in their arms, and more than three weeks without one was a very long time.

This too can be overdone. It works in small doses, but it runs the common risk of second-person POV: an implied overfamiliarity with the reader.

You’re definitely a very skilled writer with a lot of tools at your disposal. A lot of this stylistic stuff I cite may just be my own prejudices or personal tastes, but it’s also possible that you’re not aware of them, which is why I mention them. In the final analysis, thgough, I have to say that the story didn’t work for me as a stand-alone piece. This seems to be a very rich and highly-developed world Susan’s in, but that richness and a sense of its workings doesn’t come across here, at least not for me.

A piece like this really needs to bring its alternate reality to life for the reader, and there was simply not enough detail to make that happen for me.


All the best,

---dr.M.

P.S. I just had to add that my old SF reader’s radar went off right at the start, where you have her on an alien world measuring time in weeks, which are of course a terrestrial measurement.

Again, thank you to all who have taken the time to read and comment on my humble little story. A number of readers have asked if it is a part of a larger story, and the answer to this is a qualified yes. There is a longer saga behind the Taiyiha, and there are other stories related to it, the most noteworthy being my novel set on Vandhaqa. Susan's story is itself picked up much later in another long piece that I'm still working on.

At the same time, stories like this one do, it is hoped, stand on their own. I don't write short stories very well because they are never long enough to say all that I want to say; several have started out short and become novels. My work here is an attempt to write short, but often what comes out of it are vignettes like this one and the two other Taiyiha stories here at Literotica, rather than fully fleshed out narratives where everything is fully explained.

Oopsy-daisy!

Hi Karen,
Please stick around. As is the custom here in the Circle, discussion of your story can continue here in this thread.

I've opened another thread for slick's first story here in the circle, which for now will have the official spotlight this week.

J.