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❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

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PrettyLilPussy

Guest
In response to cookiecat's thread about discussions, a few people thought this thread would be a cool idea and I agreed to host (only because I'm organized not, at all, because I'm an expert). As usual, I have been overthinking!

A Few Guidelines:

*I'll put up a new question every Monday and Thursday. If you have an idea for a good discussion question, please PM me! I will cite you if you wish or ask it anonymously, if you'd rather. (Having one person ask questions is not at all a matter of control but of clarity.) New questions on Mondays only now to allow for more time for everyone to answer and discuss.

*If you have any ideas for how to make this better, again please PM me. I don't want to derail any pertinent discussions that may be happening with housekeeping and brainstorming.

*I think we can all agree that healthy debate and well reasoned discussions are ideal but bickering is not. It's counterproductive. So state your opinions but let's not give the spotlight to idiots.

*Lastly, keep in mind that we are all in different places on the kink spectrum. Respect and understanding go a long way. So if you're new, experienced, living the full life, experimenting virtually or anywhere in between, you should feel like you have a voice. (Diversity is the spice of life or some shit like that...)

Alright party people.... let's try this!
 
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Thursday Question:

What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.

Do -
1.
2.
3.

Do Not -
1.
2.
3.

Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?
 
PrettyLilPussy said:
Thursday Question:

What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.

Do -
1.
2.
3.

Do Not -
1.
2.
3.

Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?
Click to expand...

Do...
Dominance
Hand mouth play
Recently...pregnancy.

(I discovered these things by being open to trying it. You know me...I'm game for just about anything)
Don't...
Kids
Pets
Shit
______
My style is fluid. What grabs me in the moment. Sometimes there doesn't need to be anything more than a soft tender kiss. A caress on the cheek, and deep passionate love making.

Other times...hold me down and fuck me up.

Sorry so brief..
 
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Do :
Make sure the cat is fed.
Time it so the neighbours don’t decide that half way through is a good time to start ‘fixing’ the engine on their fully sick car or to start playing their bass heavy doof doof dubstep shit.
Try your damnedest to not leave a hickey anywhere it may be visible. We’re too old, dignified and mature for that nonsense pffft bullshit! but seriously, I am pretending to be a professional at work.
Don’t :
Try to stop a flailing knee with your nose.
Go straight from dinner making to love making. Hands that have been handling chopped chillies need to be washed thoroughly!
Assume. Asking is ok. I’d rather a moment be paused by asking, rather than an evening or worse a whole relationship be ruined by assuming.
 
PrettyLilPussy said:
Thursday Question:

What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.

Do -
1.
2.
3.

Do Not -
1.
2.
3.

Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?
Click to expand...

My 3 Don’ts:

These are mostly my limits. I guess. I don’t think about don’ts that much. I was told no and refused most of my marriage. Shamed for being sexual.

1. I don’t put up with slut shaming. Ever. Not me. Not other women.
2. Would be my limits... emotional withdrawal, tickling, orgasm denial, shit and kids and animals and all that crap. Bringing another person in.
3. Don’t lie. Hear that, fake Doms? Dont. Lie.

Do’s:

1. Kiss me for days. Don’t ever stop. I love PDA.
2. Talk to me. Say all those nasty things. The loving things. Whisper to me.
3. Be rough. Please. I’m not going to break. And if I do, he can fix me.

I learned this from tons of communication with H. About what I didn’t have. About what we both wanted. Then we met, and it fell into place. We work on it, but it’s mostly easy.

I’ve also learned that despite all my younger fantasies of anonymous sex, I don’t want that. I’ve never had it. The one night stand I tried to have turned into a 10 month relationship.
I think that people who are smug about their kinks or push others are crap.
I remember there was this one woman here (forgot her name, Wild someone) who would scoff at monogamy. That you’re not free or honest unless you are living a poly life.
Fuck her.

And no. I think I learned about my sexuality when I was supposed to. The denial and shame of who I was my whole life crafted me into who I am, now.
I could have done without the grown men being pigs when I was just a kid with big boobs, but that’s part of me, too.
 
Zionisacat said:
Do :
Make sure the cat is fed.
Time it so the neighbours don’t decide that half way through is a good time to start ‘fixing’ the engine on their fully sick car or to start playing their bass heavy doof doof dubstep shit.
Try your damnedest to not leave a hickey anywhere it may be visible. We’re too old, dignified and mature for that nonsense pffft bullshit! but seriously, I am pretending to be a professional at work.
Don’t :
Try to stop a flailing knee with your nose.
Go straight from dinner making to love making. Hands that have been handling chopped chillies need to be washed thoroughly!
Assume. Asking is ok. I’d rather a moment be paused by asking, rather than an evening or worse a whole relationship be ruined by assuming.
Click to expand...

Lol, there's some serious wisdom here!
Particularly, in the going straight from supper to bed. And. Of course, the facade that any of us are dignified adults. ;)

But about pausing to ask - ive had that happen and while it does take a moment to get back into things, I'm always touched by the thought. My experience has mostly been - Do it. Then ask if it was ok.
 
Farawyn said:
My 3 Don’ts:

These are mostly my limits. I guess. I don’t think about don’ts that much. I was told no and refused most of my marriage. Shamed for being sexual.

1. I don’t put up with slut shaming. Ever. Not me. Not other women.
2. Would be my limits... emotional withdrawal, tickling, orgasm denial, shit and kids and animals and all that crap. Bringing another person in.
3. Don’t lie. Hear that, fake Doms? Dont. Lie.

Do’s:

1. Kiss me for days. Don’t ever stop. I love PDA.
2. Talk to me. Say all those nasty things. The loving things. Whisper to me.
3. Be rough. Please. I’m not going to break. And if I do, he can fix me.

I learned this from tons of communication with H. About what I didn’t have. About what we both wanted. Then we met, and it fell into place. We work on it, but it’s mostly easy.

I’ve also learned that despite all my younger fantasies of anonymous sex, I don’t want that. I’ve never had it. The one night stand I tried to have turned into a 10 month relationship.
I think that people who are smug about their kinks or push others are crap.
I remember there was this one woman here (forgot her name, Wild someone) who would scoff at monogamy. That you’re not free or honest unless you are living a poly life.
Fuck her.

And no. I think I learned about my sexuality when I was supposed to. The denial and shame of who I was my whole life crafted me into who I am, now.
I could have done without the grown men being pigs when I was just a kid with big boobs, but that’s part of me, too.
Click to expand...


Lol, we agree on almost everything but orgasm denial. Its fun! The mean kind of fun, but fun. ;) Thats me though.

About the Poly Preacher - it's funny how people will insist because something is perfect for them, it MUST be perfect for everyone. Its impossible to talk to those people.
 
PrettyLilPussy said:
Lol, we agree on almost everything but orgasm denial. Its fun! The mean kind of fun, but fun. ;) Thats me though.

About the Poly Preacher - it's funny how people will insist because something is perfect for them, it MUST be perfect for everyone. Its impossible to talk to those people.
Click to expand...

I think because I only came with myself for so long. I’ve always associated orgasm denial with denial of affection, which is a huge trigger for me based on my past.

He may tease me now, but he will never, ever let me leave without cumming at least once.
It’s all in my signature. His words.
 
What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.

Do -
1. What feels good without worrying about society
2. Have give and take - I’ll take your heart, but I’ve already given you mine.
3. Explore without worry

Do Not -
1. Break limits - pushing boundaries is fun, but limits are hard.
2. Fail to communicate
3. Cause lasting pain, blood loss, broken emotions.

Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?

For sex to be good, I think you have to have good communication. I fucked up a lot when I was young because of really shitty communication skills and that led to a lot of really awful and/or useless relationships.

One persons life is another’s kink and someone else’s fetish. It’s all good as long as the communication is there between people and it’s exciting for them both/all.

Orgasm denial is a good example - it’s fun to hold someone on that edge, but fuck, I’d never be so cruel to leave them there. And if that’s what they really wanted? I probably wouldn’t be cool with that because of the way it’d make me feel.
 
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Farawyn said:
I think because I only came with myself for so long. I’ve always associated orgasm denial with denial of affection, which is a huge trigger for me based on my past.

He may tease me now, but he will never, ever let me leave without cumming at least once.
It’s all in my signature. His words.
Click to expand...

Maybe orgasm delay is a better term for what i like?
 
PrettyLilPussy said:
Maybe orgasm delay is a better term for what i like?
Click to expand...

Edging.
Yeah. But I can’t lwave the “session” if you will, edging. Because he knows that I associate that with not being loved. And he loves it when I give it to him, too.

Maybe someday, but it’s not really a goal for either of us. To leave each other hanging. We have other ways to play. That’s where the leash, the collar, and al the pain slut stuff comes in.
 
PLP... thank you.
Really. For doing this. And I love that it came from a brainstorm between a relative new person and and oldbie (mwy is gonna kill me for that!) in a thread about the demise of discussion.
 
Apisto42 said:
What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.

Do -
1. What feels good without worrying about society
2. Have give and take - I’ll take your heart, but I’ve already given you mine.
3. Explore without worry

Do Not -
1. Break limits - pushing boundaries is fun, but limits are hard.
2. Fail to communicate
3. Cause lasting pain, blood loss, broken emotions.

Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?

For sex to be good, I think you have to have good communication. I fucked up a lot when I was young because of really shitty communication skills and that led to a lot of really awful and/or useless relationships.

One persons life is another’s kink and someone else’s fetish. It’s all good as long as the communication is there between people and it’s exciting for them both/all.

Orgasm denial is a good example - it’s fun to hold someone on that edge, but fuck, I’d never be so cruel to leave them there. And if that’s what they really wanted? I probably wouldn’t be cool with that because of the way it’d make me feel.
Click to expand...

I love your #2 Do.
 
Farawyn said:
PLP... thank you.
Really. For doing this. And I love that it came from a brainstorm between a relative new person and and oldbie (mwy is gonna kill me for that!) in a thread about the demise of discussion.
Click to expand...

No thanks needed!! I hope it works! Im excited to get tonknow yall better :)
 
Here’s my stab at the three rules of do and don’t.

Do:
  1. Plan carefully when trying something new or when trying anything with a new partner.
  2. Expect surprises. Some will make you laugh and some won’t.
  3. Drink lots of water - before, during and after.

Don’t:
  1. Plan so much to do that the session becomes more about getting through the plan than getting in touch with your partner.
  2. Even think of breaking a commitment, whether express or implied. This includes sticking around to do aftercare, for all those who think that being a selfish prick is a perk of being a dominant.
  3. Inflict lasting harm of any kind.

These do not explicitly include any limits. Rather, these are all lessons that I have learned from experience.
 
Farawyn said:
PLP... thank you.
Really. For doing this. And I love that it came from a brainstorm between a relative new person and and oldbie (mwy is gonna kill me for that!) in a thread about the demise of discussion.
Click to expand...

Hardly, because it’s the truth. I’m fully aware that I have neckties in my closet that I wore on dates that happened before many around here were born - you included, I’m sure. And I make no secret that this forum has been my online home since shortly after the Coolidge administration. ;)
 
midwestyankee said:
Here’s my stab at the three rules of do and don’t.

Do:
  1. Plan carefully when trying something new or when trying anything with a new partner.
  2. Expect surprises. Some will make you laugh and some won’t.
  3. Drink lots of water - before, during and after.

Don’t:
  1. Plan so much to do that the session becomes more about getting through the plan than getting in touch with your partner.
  2. Even think of breaking a commitment, whether express or implied. This includes sticking around to do aftercare, for all those who think that being a selfish prick is a perk of being a dominant.
  3. Inflict lasting harm of any kind.

These do not explicitly include any limits. Rather, these are all lessons that I have learned from experience.
Click to expand...

Your Donts 1& 2 are especially good!!
I think enjoying the journey instead of crossing things off a list.
 
You ain’t kidding on the water.

Leg cramps are funny until you have one. Right in the middle of cumming.
 
Farawyn said:
You ain’t kidding on the water.

Leg cramps are funny until you have one. Right in the middle of cumming.
Click to expand...

Size difference is all fine and dandy till you’re screwing in the shower and your thigh cramps up so bad you unbalance, grab the shower curtain by accident and end up crushing her in the bottom of the tub with a ripped shower curtain on top of you.

Not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything...
 
Apisto42 said:
Size difference is all fine and dandy till you’re screwing in the shower and your thigh cramps up so bad you unbalance, grab the shower curtain by accident and end up crushing her in the bottom of the tub with a ripped shower curtain on top of you.

Not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything...
Click to expand...

Ahhahaa!!!
You win.
Poor Mrs. A!
 
midwestyankee said:
Here’s my stab at the three rules of do and don’t.

Do:
  1. Plan carefully when trying something new or when trying anything with a new partner.
  2. Expect surprises. Some will make you laugh and some won’t.
  3. Drink lots of water - before, during and after.

Don’t:
  1. Plan so much to do that the session becomes more about getting through the plan than getting in touch with your partner.
  2. Even think of breaking a commitment, whether express or implied. This includes sticking around to do aftercare, for all those who think that being a selfish prick is a perk of being a dominant.
  3. Inflict lasting harm of any kind.

These do not explicitly include any limits. Rather, these are all lessons that I have learned from experience.
Click to expand...

I agree with this so much!

Do:
-communicate. I think for me I have to have feedback after. I want to discuss what worked. I like thinking of ways to make it even better.
-be willing to change things up if something isn't working. Again, communicating.
-treat people like people. Just because we have a scene where we negotiated you degrading me doesn't mean I want to be treated like that all the time. Oh yeah, communicating.
-water, water, and more water
-forget to charge the vibrator. It really sucks when he's using it on you and it stops because you forgot.

Don't:
-disappear. Just tell me you aren't feeling it. I can handle it.
-judge. It's ok if you aren't into something. As long as it's consensual and not causing harm, it's all good.
-be afraid to try something. Think about possible issues and prepare for them but to never really know how it will work out. Things I thought I would hate are favorites now. Things I thought I would like are meh.
 
PrettyLilPussy said:
Thursday Question:

What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.

My personal philosophy of kink is this - if it's between two or more adults, each of whom has knowingly consented to explore the area of kink, then have a great time. You never truly know if a kink works for you until you've done it.

Do -
1. Ask for what you want. Your partner doesn't have telepathy or "magic sub/dom" powers. They're only human.
2. Relax, the biggest battle of playing in the kink world is all that tangle of societal and cultural expectations you've got playing in your head. The right partner is the right place to work through all of that.
3. Remember. just because your relationship is kinky, it doesn't mean it's not a relationship. Being loving humans to each other still matters.

Do Not -
1. Don't ever agree to something you don't want to do.
2. Don't become one of those people who think that, because you're having kinky sex, you're magic or special. It's just kinky sex. It may be great, but you're still you.
3. Don't lie to your partner and say it was great, when it sucked. You're not helping them or yourself.

Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?
Click to expand...

I learned that as I went from generous lovers and partners. I would not want a guidebook or a set of steps to be kinky. Kinky is an intensely personal experiencce and books, rules, traditions, "the way it's done", just gets in the way of your own exploration. My limits are not included because my limits are very flexible and situational and subject to change due to person/place/time.
 
Paul, you’re Do Not #2 is great.

I think there are a lot of people afraid to venture into this forum. They may be intimidated by the subject matter. But, we may be snide or snarky. I know I have been.
Not about kinks, mostly about grammar... but there were quite a few people o was insanely intimidated of in this forum just because they were kinky, and kind of smug about it.

I can name names, but I won’t.
 
Dropping in as I have time:

Do
Use my brain, setting the scene/raising her desire, often starting days before
Talk and be open to communicate
Push boundaries

Do not
Be fake
Stop communicating
Abuse her, using BDSM as an excuse for physical/emotional abuse (there is a large difference people)
 
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