Giving up? Or keep going?

Hi all...Today I have had it...My stress level lately has really gotten the best of me.

My business is doing well, but there are so many issues that I have to constantly deal with that it seems that I spend more time dealing with them than actually doing the work that needs done.
My kids are driving me completely insane and my house is a mess. I determined that this afternoon when I tried to walk through one room and stepped on what I believe was the remnants of someones breakfast. I clean constantly but it doesn't do any good.

My relationship has been good, (and for those of you who understand), but I have had to work really hard on being the "strong" one the last couple of weeks and sometimes I wonder if I am just wearing myself out for no reason. I love this woman more than anything in the world (other than my kids), but helping her face her demons everyday is really starting to wear on me. And with her "monthly visistor" here this week, the mood swings have been so violent that I have felt the need to duck and cover, but I know I have to stand and take the brunt of it.

I guess what I am asking, is when do you hit that point when enough is enough and you just say...crap...why do I continue doing the things I am doing?
I could work as a burger flipper and make twice as much as I do now, I could clean all day (although I might have to lock my kids in their room to get it to stay that way), and I guess I could live without someone in my life..I have done it for two years so it isn't like it is new territory, although it isn't what I really want.

I wish I could go to bed for a week and relearn how to sleep at nights, and get up in the morning without feeling that the wieght of the world is on my shoulders constantly.
Is this just cabin fever? Is there a more serious issue here? Or am I just being a baby about the whole thing?

Thanks...

firefighter02 said:

Hi all...Today I have had it...My stress level lately has really gotten the best of me.

My business is doing well, but there are so many issues that I have to constantly deal with that it seems that I spend more time dealing with them than actually doing the work that needs done.
My kids are driving me completely insane and my house is a mess. I determined that this afternoon when I tried to walk through one room and stepped on what I believe was the remnants of someones breakfast. I clean constantly but it doesn't do any good.

My relationship has been good, (and for those of you who understand), but I have had to work really hard on being the "strong" one the last couple of weeks and sometimes I wonder if I am just wearing myself out for no reason. I love this woman more than anything in the world (other than my kids), but helping her face her demons everyday is really starting to wear on me. And with her "monthly visistor" here this week, the mood swings have been so violent that I have felt the need to duck and cover, but I know I have to stand and take the brunt of it.

I guess what I am asking, is when do you hit that point when enough is enough and you just say...crap...why do I continue doing the things I am doing?
I could work as a burger flipper and make twice as much as I do now, I could clean all day (although I might have to lock my kids in their room to get it to stay that way), and I guess I could live without someone in my life..I have done it for two years so it isn't like it is new territory, although it isn't what I really want.

I wish I could go to bed for a week and relearn how to sleep at nights, and get up in the morning without feeling that the wieght of the world is on my shoulders constantly.
Is this just cabin fever? Is there a more serious issue here? Or am I just being a baby about the whole thing?

Thanks...

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You do have to have some time to recharge your batteries, blow off steam, and rejuvenate. Are you getting any of that? That would be the first place I would look for an answer before thinking of anything drastic.

firefighter02 said:

I guess what I am asking, is when do you hit that point when enough is enough and you just say...crap...why do I continue doing the things I am doing?
I could work as a burger flipper and make twice as much as I do now, I could clean all day (although I might have to lock my kids in their room to get it to stay that way), and I guess I could live without someone in my life..I have done it for two years so it isn't like it is new territory, although it isn't what I really want.

I wish I could go to bed for a week and relearn how to sleep at nights, and get up in the morning without feeling that the wieght of the world is on my shoulders constantly.
Is this just cabin fever? Is there a more serious issue here? Or am I just being a baby about the whole thing?

Thanks...

Click to expand...

First of all...NO, you are not being a baby about the whole thing. Let's get that one out of the way first.

It sounds like you are under enormous stress. And when you are, it can seem like everything gets out of control. And not having control of your own life is a bitch, as you well know.

Why DO you continue the things you are doing? Ask yourself some questions...do you love your job? Do you long to do something else, or do you imagine yourself NOT doing anything else? If you do love your job, is there any way to cut hours?

How long has it been since you had a REAL vacation? Without the children, without taking responsibilities with you?

So far as the kids...as a 'single' dad, you are overtaxed at every turn. It isn't something that you did wrong, it is just something that happens. Is there anyone nearby who would be willing to keep the kids for a few days? Just to allow you to take the time to clean the house, recharge, get used to the space again?

Lastly, about your relationship...I have learned during the last several months that in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone, YOU have to be healthy inside first. It is entirely possible to give way too much to someone else and neglect yourself. In the end, that breeds resentment and pain...and that is what can tear a relationship apart.

If you love your SO and want to make it work, the kindest thing is to take time to breathe...take time to make sure YOU are okay. If that means letting her deal with her own demons for a few weeks, then so be it. I know that sounds harsh, and it would FEEL pretty damn harsh to me. But the alternative is you getting completely burned out and being no help to anyone, not yourself, and espeically not a SO.

Bottom line...you need "You" time. Not daddy time, not boyfriend time, not work time...YOU time. And you have to fight to get that. But it is worth it, because you can regain the confidence you have lost.



Take care of you.

S.

my thoughts

That is a difficult question to answer, even if i knew you and all the other stuff that goes along with being where you are!

I have been there and have come out of it, so here is my 2 cents.

first of all let me give you part of my favorite quote by Winston Churchhill " gentleman we have many struggle before us.......... and we will never, never surrender!" its much longer then that but you get the jest.

When I get there, I take a day or two away from it..... then i make a list of the issusse and determine which ones I can do something about, and then do a pro and con list on each item
then I make a list of things I need to get done and decide which ones i can whip out and then break the other ones down to managable tasks. Also realize that at the end of the day being above ground is a good thing and the sun will come out tomorrow as long as you think it in your heart and brain.

and it has alot to do with cabin fever right now..... just think of spring and re-birth and your soul will be engerigized and everyone around you will feel it and respond and you wont have to carry then

good luck and rock on

PHIL

I have one thing to say.

Don't clean all the time. Simplify it.

http://www.flylady.net

How old are your kids? Old enough to learn in tiny bits and pieces to pick up after theirselves? I know it's hard, but with every step forward they take to clean up, that's one less thing you'll have to do. Use the website above to help you.

Babysteps.
Ang

firefighter02 said:

Hi all...Today I have had it...My stress level lately has really gotten the best of me.

My business is doing well, but there are so many issues that I have to constantly deal with that it seems that I spend more time dealing with them than actually doing the work that needs done.
My kids are driving me completely insane and my house is a mess. I determined that this afternoon when I tried to walk through one room and stepped on what I believe was the remnants of someones breakfast. I clean constantly but it doesn't do any good.

Click to expand...

I don't know how old these children are, so what I will say here is lock the fridge and cabinets. They can't scatter what they can't get to.

My relationship has been good, (and for those of you who understand), but I have had to work really hard on being the "strong" one the last couple of weeks and sometimes I wonder if I am just wearing myself out for no reason. I love this woman more than anything in the world (other than my kids), but helping her face her demons everyday is really starting to wear on me. And with her "monthly visistor" here this week, the mood swings have been so violent that I have felt the need to duck and cover, but I know I have to stand and take the brunt of it.

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I don't know her personal demons, but this sounds like she needs some medical attention. Of a serious kind. If the mood swings are that bad, then she could have gynocological problems that need attention.

I guess what I am asking, is when do you hit that point when enough is enough and you just say...crap...why do I continue doing the things I am doing?
I could work as a burger flipper and make twice as much as I do now, I could clean all day (although I might have to lock my kids in their room to get it to stay that way), and I guess I could live without someone in my life..I have done it for two years so it isn't like it is new territory, although it isn't what I really want.

Click to expand...

When you start asking yourself when is enough, enough? Then it is time to do something to change the situation.

I wish I could go to bed for a week and relearn how to sleep at nights, and get up in the morning without feeling that the wieght of the world is on my shoulders constantly.
Is this just cabin fever? Is there a more serious issue here? Or am I just being a baby about the whole thing?

Thanks...

Click to expand...

No, this is not just cabin fever and yes, it is a far more serious issue, and no, you are not being a baby about the whole thing. You need to set limits for you. What you will and won't take. I know that it isn't easy.

You also need to do as sheath said and make "me" time. Otherwise, you might not be around for anyone else. It is really that simple.

OH my...What wonderful people are here.

I don't know how to begin to respond , but Yankee and Phil..Ty...yea I need some time away I think, just not sure where too.

Missing..I can always count on you to be nothing but straightforward with me...and you also know where to find Pickled Pigs feet....(BTW>.that place was in Milwaukee)

Ang...Hmm...I feel so..um what's the term...wierd reading through that site and knowing that yea it was probably me. (Especially the part about having that room you don't want anyone to see. As I read it I was reminded of that strange feeling I had the first time I took the kids to "Mom's group" at church. My 5 year-old is a big help around the house but the 3 and 2 year old help only when they know I have the time to hold them to it, which of course throws the oldest into the "ITS NOT FAIR" tantrum.

S. TY....I don't think even you realize sometimes how much you help others and I am begining to wonder if you really aren't an "angel". Well maybe an angel with a matching bra and panty set. Seriously though..you have to be an angel...

All of you hit on at least one part of it. I am over stressed and need to simplify things, and to take that time out for me. Its just hard to do sometimes as I feel an obligation to work everyday like its my last one here.
Trust assured, the firefighter will be here for a while...they might be babysteps but nothing terribly drastic. I'm thankful to have the life I do, I just let it get to me sometimes. Thank you all....and keep the comments and ideas flowing...conversation is good for the soul.
B

firefighter02 said:

Missing..I can always count on you to be nothing but straightforward with me...and you also know where to find Pickled Pigs feet....(BTW>.that place was in Milwaukee)


All of you hit on at least one part of it. I am over stressed and need to simplify things, and to take that time out for me. Its just hard to do sometimes as I feel an obligation to work everyday like its my last one here.
Trust assured, the firefighter will be here for a while...they might be babysteps but nothing terribly drastic. I'm thankful to have the life I do, I just let it get to me sometimes. Thank you all....and keep the comments and ideas flowing...conversation is good for the soul.
B

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I am going to say this. I know a place where you can go. Sorry, couldn't resist and you left the door wide open.

Missingmeds said:

I am going to say this. I know a place where you can go. Sorry, couldn't resist and you left the door wide open.

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This place you were thinking of....is it warm??

Ummm...yes, very warm indeed.

Hi, I'm new to Lit and just read your post. I know what its like trying to juggle a family and job, its tough. The other replies are right you have to get selfish and have "me" time. Sometimes its not always easy when you have kids to get away, and all it causes is a continual build up of stress. I think you do need to get away if you can, then when you come home make a promise to yourself to put aside half an hour a day to yourself. Use the time to take a bath, read a book, do whatever you do to relax and chill out. That way you can keep your batteries fully charged rather than waiting for them to go flat before you know it.

So maybe the house might look untidy, you have kids for crying out loud its the law!! hehe.

I have a fridge magnet that says "cleaning the house while the children are growing, is like shovelling snow while its still snowing". Such true words. Sod the ironing and hoovering that can wait til tomorrow.

"I could work as a burger flipper and make twice as much as I do now"

your business is doing well?

FF,

I know how weird it feels. Trust me. And I'm sure it felt just that little bit weirder because you're a guy. I know it's mostly women that frequent that site. It's almost tailored to them. But there are also FlyGuys that are adored and appreciated amongst everyone there.

You'd be surprised at how strangely peaceful your life can turn out to be just in the first several days. Yeah, I've fallen off the wagon pretty badly lately, but I know I can jump back on and pick up all over again with less effort than there was involved the first time around.

My sink... will SHINE again, dammit!!!

Ang

I hve to agree with MissingMeds reply. You are stressed. Get her to a doctor to find out any physical problems and get them taken care of. Then get the two of you to a counsellor for some work that needs to be done by the two of you.

My SO was in a great deal of pain and experiencing an incredible amount of flow during her monthlies, but "didn't want to bother the doctor, I've got an appointment in 3 months". Turned out she had fibroid tumors, but the OB/GYN doc hadn't been consulted by her doctor. One hysterectomy later and she was kicking herself for her delay attititude that put her and myself through 6 months of incredible problems.

I can see your really struggling. To stay or to go?
well thats a huge decision, and one you can make at any time.
Being as this decision will seriously affect all of you for the rest of your lives (you, wife and children), would it not be wise to ensure you are definate about taking such a decision.

I think that you sound like your sinking. This sounds like a reaction of despair, in response to your awful situation, which is there to greet you with each dawn.

when you think of leaving, are you taking the children too? or were you thinking of leaving them with a clearly damaged person to be their carer?

You have a duty to your family. You need to get yourself some help or you will shortly have nothing more to give.
Look in the local telephone directory, or have a friend recommend a counsellor. Make an appnt and do it soon. Invite your wife to accompany you, but go regardless of her decision.

If you are going to leave, your going to need to be in good shape to weather the storm of hurt that will come your way for sure.
Even if this is the right decision, it will hurt. It will hurt when the children ask you questions, it would hurt if you can no longer see them.

Does your partner even know how you are feeling? sometimes people get stuck in a rut. You mention how your helping her with her demons. Well its time for her to help you with yours. Allow her to be 'the strong one' and see if she can rise to the challange.

Whatever you decide, make it a well informed and considered choice, done on the premise of the best shape you can be in.

Find someone to talk to if your wife is not able to 'be there' for you.

I wish you luck and peace

Some great sound advice here already I agree..you need a break to get your head round things nad just to have some "me" time.


take care!

Wow, I have been away for a little bit....

Moving actually, and after a month of trying to "settle in" a family of four (with another on the way!) seemingly all by myself, I have nearly reached the point that you are talking about here firefighter!!

Thank god for you Ang!!!
Your link seems to be exactly what I need to continue my life with sanity intact. I believe I have found some salvation..

I hope things work out for you firefighter. I imagine my own hubby is pretty near the breaking point himself listening to me vent almost everyday! If nothing else, your thread has made me take a moment to try and look at current things from his perspective..

Take care!
Syb.

LOL! FlyLady has saved my ass more times than I can count.

And I would like to give a gentle reminder that FF is not in fact married. He's a single father (great one, from what I can tell from his posting on lit) and is in a serious relationship with a woman. It's not obvious from his posts, so it would be easy to assume that he is married.

FF, hon, we want to know how you're doing. And if you ever gave her a squirting dildo vase...

Ang

Hi all,
Wanted to thank everyone for thier comments and support.

I appologize for being AWOL the last few days, but I took some good advice and pawned the kids off on my mom for a couple of days and got out of Dodge. Although I didn't really relax all that much I do feel 30% better than I did when the melt down happend.

I also had a converstation with my SO (makes it seem funny to call her that when she is so much more) and actually she brought up the issue of feeling as though I was the one who was strong all the time and she felt as though she hadn't been pulling her weight lately. Of course, I told her that she was doing just fine, and that there are times when I need her to "step up to the plate" so to speak.

Anyway...Every day will be a little thing. Tonight its the pile of paperwork here on my desk. And tomorrow..who knows..but I feel like I can actually poke my head out of the sand a little.

Thanks everyone..I would give you all a great big hug if I could..

FF

Oh PS...No..I haven't found the squirting dildo yet LOL...actually I was thinking maybe a set of ankle cuffs and a blindfold.

Good for you, FF.

Little steps can be much better than big ones. They hurt less if you fall down a few.

Sit down with yourself when you have a little time. Think about some of the things you'd like to see her do to 'step up to the plate' more often. If you can give her an idea of what you mean by that, and some examples (gently), she'll be able to better understand where you're coming from. Also think of things that you are willing to do to encourage that in her. When she says she's going to do something and doesn't, maybe you can help by holding her accountable instead of doing it for her. (If that is something you find yourself doing)

Then talk with her about specific things she feels like she's 'slacking' on. Tell her that you'd like to help, and give her ideas that you've come up with and examples of how they could work. If she gets defensive, then you can back off for a bit. However, if she continually gets defensive when she says she wants to be better and you give ideas, then it would be a good time for both of you to look into counseling. Separately and together.

Ang

Good for you firefighter Remember to schedule sometime for your self fairly regularly,even if it's only a few hours hear and there. Giving yourself time and space to think things over is essential to your sanity.

I promised myself I would let this thread die... But man, do I soooo want to go there today.

I will not loose my head..I will not loose my head..I will not loose my head...

Quick..someone start a thread of things you really wish you could do to people who piss you off!

Gosh..Some days I want to hide in the closet and eat Peanut M&M's...

Hang in there, babe...deep breath.

Something that keeps me going when I want to scream, rave, rant...remember that one breath at a time is all that is truly required.

Then I ask myself if this moment will matter in a week. In a month. In a year. And if the answer is no, then those breaths come easier.

Now...someone pissing you off is a different story. Go into your office/bedroom/wherever, lock the door, and do something. Just DO something. Rip paper to shreds. Scream into a pillow. Scream out loud. Throw something and listen to it bang against the wall. Make those outside wonder what the fuck just got into you.

Or call a friend and rant and rave.

You'll make it, FF. One breath at a time.

S.

Stress is always hard to deal with, but I've found that following the words in the popularly known "Serenity Prayer" has always worked for me.

I would also strongly advise you get the kids involved in helping out. Yes, I know you said the oldest did and the younger ones do what they can when you can hold them to it. Granted, at 2 and 3 there isn't much they can be held responsible for, but think on this: picking up toys is something even a 2 year old can do and be responsible for. Either not alllowing the kids to eat in certain rooms, or expecting them to take their dishes to the kitchen is not to be unexpected, either. (Except in the case of the 2 year old, I suppose)

The 5 year old is capable of making a bed and - surprise! - even doing dishes. How do I know this? Because that was the age I was when these became my regular chores. (Yes, I had to have a small step to reach the sink, and the dishes most soaked until they were clean, but it's how I learned) It all sounds so terribly cruel, doesn't it? No, not really. It teaches kids they are just as much a part of the team called family as anyone else.

As far as the seeming differences in responsibilities? You need to talk to the 5 year old. Let the child know that you understand how frustrated it might be, but that this child can teach the others how to do certain tasks. Yes, supervision is a must, but I doubt it will take long before they all catch on. Kids are smart like that.

As to your S/O? I don't know what her demons are, but unless she is attempting some sort of way to fix them, and actively working towards it, I would say to cut your losses. But, truly, you are the only judge of that!

Best of luck in however you choose to handle this!

I feel for you

You must be under a lot of stress. Use all the methods you can to reduce it. Eliminate the unnecessary stress items and welcome the necessary things, like:
You have a business! YEA! All businesses cause stress. Welcome it and accept it.
You have 3 little kids: They are going to be messy, because...that's what little kids do!
You have a relationship! YEA! Enjoy it, relish in it and all the difficulties that a relationship brings.

Be happy you have a job, a relationship, kids, a home, food, a car, a computer, LIT, freedom, sex, and all the many things that some of us have NONE of!

Be thankful. It will get better.