How to: deal with this?

Hi everyone!
Something happened to me the other day, I'd like to share and get some opinions.

It all started Friday night, My son was staying with realitives, and my wife and I were getting ready to head out for the night.
Just as we were getting ready to walk out of the house, the phone rings. My wife answers, and Immediatly, she walks out the front door, telling me to "hang on". So, I figured, great time for a smoke, so I walk out onto the porch, and light my smoke, she starts walking away, as if to avoid me. So, now I'm thinking "this is weird, she's acting like she dosen't want me to hear the convo."
So I follow, she keeps walking farther away. motioning to me with her hands as if to stop. I said WTF? Then went back inside, I knew she was hiding something from me at this point, And I was angry.

A few min later she enters the house, I say: "what was all that about?." she says: "Some girl who used to work where i do, somone told her I was making up rumors about her boyfriend cheating on her at work, I didn't want you to hear me having it out with her on the phone." At this point, I decided to trust my wife. "Ok, lets' go out."

On sunday afternoon, she comes to me, and drops th bomb.
"Honey, I lied to you about that phonecall the other night." I say: "Oh really?" She goes on:"She was really calling to bitch me out, becasue I've been kissing her husband at work."

*I was in shock now*

"But it wasn't anything more than kissing, and His wife made him quit his job because of this, So I won't be working with him anymore. I didn't sleep with him, It was just kissing."

Me:"So how long did this last?"

Her:"About 3 weeks. Started a month ago, and we ended it last week, when we both decided it was wrong, and we needed to tell our SO's, But It's over now, and I'm really sorry and I Love you and want to work this out."

Me:"Why did you do it?"
Her:"He gave me attention that I wasn't getting here, offered to take me to dinner, etc. etc. I'll understand if you want me to leave.

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So yea. It was an interesting sunday to say the least.
My problem here is, I really don't know what to do. I've been betrayed by the one who I put all my trust in. Not only did she cheat, for almost a month, coming home and kissing me afterwords, she was lying, straight to me face. That really gets to me.

We both work diffenent shifts, so it's hard to get in good time with each other, we've been married about a year, were dating 3 yrs before that. we have a wonderful son together as well. I don't want to throw it al away, but damnit, I don't know if anything she says is true now!

She just called about an hour ago to check in (she works night shift) And I asked her if he was there, an GUESS WHAT! he is. she said, well, "I thought he quit" . ......Come on!
I don't know. I'm confused, and I can't really think straight. any ideas, comments?

I'm really sorry this happened. Trust is such a difficult thing to get back.

I see a couple of good things here. She came clean with you on her own volition. She "checks in" with you when she gets to work. It sounds like you two have strong communication.

It's bad that the guy is still at the job, though, because seeing each other could make things tough for both of them.

What if you and your wife take some serious time out from life and talk things out? Make a list of things you'd like her to do to help you get trust back into the relationship. She could make a list of things she'd like for you to do, too, to help her feel your love for her. Prioritize the things on the list in order of importance so that if each of you can't do every single thing, you'll work on the most important ones.

I wish you the very best. It's tough, but you seem to love each other a lot.

MercyMia said:

I'm really sorry this happened. Trust is such a difficult thing to get back.

I see a couple of good things here. She came clean with you on her own volition. She "checks in" with you when she gets to work. It sounds like you two have strong communication.

It's bad that the guy is still at the job, though, because seeing each other could make things tough for both of them.

What if you and your wife take some serious time out from life and talk things out? Make a list of things you'd like her to do to help you get trust back into the relationship. She could make a list of things she'd like for you to do, too, to help her feel your love for her. Prioritize the things on the list in order of importance so that if each of you can't do every single thing, you'll work on the most important ones.

I wish you the very best. It's tough, but you seem to love each other a lot.

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Thanks MercyMia, I appreciate that. Since the day she told me, we've had a few discussions. And I thought was ok with eveything, but then the next day, I start thinking about it again. And I get mad, and angry all over again!

The trust issue is the worst.... I feel so bad. My stomach feels weird. I just don't know if she's lying about anything else. I mean, she did it so well. I had no idea this time. and if she decided to have another fling, I'd be none-the-wiser.

thanks again!

The damage is done....

But does she even realize how much she's damaged the relationship?

Jason, first off, she did not cheat on you, yet. If her story is to be believed she has run along the edge of that cliff, but hasn't quite taken the plunge yet.

The question is how much are you willing to believe her? From your post I'd say very little. And to be honest, I can't really blame you.

She's broken faith with you. But is she telling the truth or not? Has she gone further than just kissing or not? Only she knows. What you need to do is first surpress your initial outrage and anger. Yes you've been hurt and you want to lash out and hurt her in return (perhaps not physically, but emotionally), but thats really not what you need at the moment. You need to be cool, calm and logical. And you need to ask yourself, "Is this relationship worth saving or not?"

Wife, mother of your child, is your relationship worth trying to save? I think you should sit her down and tell her you're still considering whether or not your relationship is worth trying to save. Lay it on the line my friend, let there be no doubt in her mind that she's hurt and damaged the relationship, perhaps permanently. BUT! Also acknowledge that you yourself are partially to blame. Its a rare thing when one person is solely responsible for problems in a marriage.

You've both failed to some extent to maintain avenues of communications with each other. She should have been able to tell you she was unhappy and feeling unnoticed/unloved, and this shouldn't have been a surprise to you, you should have been able to pick up on her unhappiness.

So sit her down for "What do we do now?!?!" conversation. Let her know she should have come to you instead of seeking some other guy, and acknowledge that you could have been more perceptive about her problems. But also let her know that there is a major trust issue now and she's going to have to go to extraordinary lengths to rebuild that trust.

Jason, if she's going to have to rebuild your trust, you've got to meet her half way on this. THIS DOESN'T MEAN you can be spiteful, or petty, it doesn't mean you can use this as an excuse for a three time daily blowjob. It means that you are going to have to start trusting her for little things, and still give her room to breathe. She might have caused most of the damage here, but you both need to make some changes if your marriage is going to survive.

I'm going to recommend that you both seek counseling and that you also read the "pillowtalk" thread. Her complaints about a lack of attention shouldn't be taken to mean a "lack of sex" alone. Even when couples have hectic schedules time MUST be taken to reinforce your feelings for each other. Sometimes a simple hug can make up for a whole night of steamy sex. Sometimes a "Thank you" speaks volumes for your appreciation of her and what she means for you. Its little things like this, little gestures, but it all adds up.

Good luck!

Take my advice -get out of the relationship, dump her now. Your self esteem is at stake. I have been there and its only going to mess you up badly-Leave now-there's plenty more fish in the sea.
This is from a washed up survivor of a disastrous 28 year marriage-I knowall of what your going through. Consider yourself warned-it isn't worth it-she betrayed you and will do it again and again.

wishbone96 said:

Take my advice -get out of the relationship, dump her now. Your self esteem is at stake. I have been there and its only going to mess you up badly-Leave now-there's plenty more fish in the sea.
This is from a washed up survivor of a disastrous 28 year marriage-I knowall of what your going through. Consider yourself warned-it isn't worth it-she betrayed you and will do it again and again.

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I disagree. Sure the relationship is in trouble. But an effort should be made to save it if he feels its worth saving.

Depends on your situation. I dated a girl "Exclusively" for 6 YEARS. We had a VERY NASTY breakup which she initiated with an Italian heroin addict. I was a clean-cut college student who graduated suma cum laude in pre-med.

We were apart after a NASTY break-up for 6 years.

She came to her senses, and called me (I was engaged to someone else at the time).

We are celebrating our Anniversary next month. We've been married for several years.

How well do you know each other, love each other etc.??

If she is "Out of there" -- let her go!!!!!

You WILL be better off even though it won't seem so now!

"If you love someone let them go..."

Good Luck!

I disagree. He has a child with this woman. That complicates matters and puts a whole new spin on things.

He needs to talk with his wife. Find out where they stand, and if the relationship is capable of being salvaged. Perhaps its not capable of being saved, but an attempt should be made so at a minimum he can walk away knowing he tried his best to save things. Perhaps its not a big deal in the long run, and maybe it won't change anything, but he'll at least be able to walk away from the situation with a clear conscience and the satisfaction that he did try to fix things up.

This might have been a one time oopsie for his wife, or it might be symptomatic of a more endemic problem. He doesn't say and I suspect he himself isn't sure. If it was a one time oopsie, then maybe things can be fixed. We don't run through life without making mistakes and punishing a spouse for a single mistake seems a little extreme. Look at the facts as far as hes told us.

She did some kissing with some guy.
She claims she hasn't slept with the guy.
She says his wife now knows.

If you take it at face value, she hasn't yet cheated on him. Perhaps this will be a wake up call for him to remedy the problems they are having. Or perhaps she's lying and she has slept with the guy. In either case, its up to Jason to ask himself if he still loves her enough to give her a second chance, or to kick her to the curb.

I've never been in his shoes, so I can only imagine the hurt and anger he's feeling right now. I do know one thing however, if he responds to this while under control of those emotions, the situation will only get worse. He needs to get himself under control and address his wife and the problem with a clear head. Perhaps this is the death knell for this particular relationship, but it doesn't necessarily mean it is.

Some marriages are able to survive cases of even worse infidelity than this and come out stronger in the long run. Unfortunately most don't, mainly because people give sway to their base emotions at this point and start saying hurtful things they can't take back.

Personally I think Jason should calm himself, then do some soul searching. Find out if he really wants to make the effort to save the marriage, and if so, then start talking to the wife. I think its wrong to immediately say "Kick her ass out". Given the facts as we know them, and we never know all of the story, this appears to be a one time thing and the situation hasn't gone over any lines in the sand yet. It may be saveable, if BOTH parties work at it.

Bobmi, if she admitted to kissing this other man, and she saw his reaction to that, there is no way that she is going to admit to anything more happening.

He needs to find out why, and decide if he can accept what she has done.

He will also need to rebuild the trust and that isn't going to happen until the other guy or his wife changes jobs. In my mind, a kiss is cheating. I know, sounds funny coming from me.

In either case, the problem here is what he is going to do about it is his decision.

Jaybird3 said:

Bobmi, if she admitted to kissing this other man, and she saw his reaction to that, there is no way that she is going to admit to anything more happening.

He needs to find out why, and decide if he can accept what she has done.

He will also need to rebuild the trust and that isn't going to happen until the other guy or his wife changes jobs. In my mind, a kiss is cheating. I know, sounds funny coming from me.

In either case, the problem here is what he is going to do about it is his decision.

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Quite true Jaybird, but I think I'd be more forgiving of a kiss than actual sex.

All I've been saying all along is he needs to decide, is the marriage worth saving or not. I just think its wrong to advocate quiting without first making up your mind that its not worth saving.

I know she's got to rebuild trust, assuming they try to save things. And frankly I have no idea how you'd do that. For me trust is a binary item. Its either there, or it isn't. And as much as I love my wife, I haven't a clue how even she could rebuild my trust in her, IF we were in Jason's situation. Its such a delicate thing, very fragile and very hard to rebuild.

Hmmmm all this talk about trust has me thinking about starting a new thread....

Please do Bobmi, alot of us look forward to them from you as they are always thought provoking.

I don't think the issue here is cheating. You can survive cheating if you want to. A true confession, change of heart, and repentance can work.

The problem is, because of the way she presented and continues to present, he is getting feelings that there hasn't been total disclosure which implies there is no repentance.

She's trying to do spin control, damage control, break it gently, what ever. That won't work. She's keeping him hanging on, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What ever she says needs to be the whole, complete truth and ANY inconsistence he detects (like 2nd guy is still at work) makes him think there wasn't total disclosure.

Without 100% confidence that everything is exactly as she says, that she didn't shade anything or go easy or leave out something, he is going to feel uneasy. And that's how he describes himself.

I suggest that the subject between them be honesty, not trust.

He's willing to forgive if she comes back to him 100%. He's willing to trust her not to stray again. But he can't trust her if he feels she won't be totally honest.

Her first priority is to make sure that there are absolutely no more surprises, not even a little one. In this matter, there is no such thing as a "white lie" or "social utterance".

When he's 100% there can not be any variance between what she tells him and what is/was really happening, then he can move to the next stage of forgiveness, and move to on to cementing his trust in her again.

I suppose I could have said the issue is trust about honesty, not trust about sexual fidelity.

Trust in her promise of future behavior is something he can choose to give when he chooses to believe her.

Trust in her honesty now is the first thing to reestablish. He's got to trust her today before he can trust her tomorrow.

That's why I said the issue is honesty, not trust.

Now about honesty...

The details of how many times she squeezed the guy's cock or how many orgasms she had aren't important, if he can accept that they happened. Knowing everything that could have taken place, as generally confessed by her, sets a limit that he can choose to accept and forgive.

Lets say they had oral sex (blow job, clit sucking). She says "we kissed and petted". If he ever finds any suggestion that lips touched sex organ then the discovery of dishonesty will blow things apart. It isn't that there was oral sex (in this example). Academically he knows they could have done more. He chooses to believe her honest with her description of what happened.

If she says, "we fingered each other" then he can decide how much of the details he wants to know and ask about the guy's technique if he cares. Or he can leave the situation bounded (there are only so many places fingers can go) but otherwise undefined.

Any attempt by her to hide something from him, even giving her the best of intentions, is a time bomb with great explosive power.

Say she makes a trip to the doctor, that suggests STD which implies more that fingering. If he sees an insurance or HMO statement and the secret slips and he will know she wasn't honest in her confession, which supposedly was the point where trust restarted.

The generating cause of any argument won't be how far she and the guy went (though her past actions will be thown in her face). It will be that his probationary trust in the honesty of her story was wrong. He'll probably revoke all trust (retroactively and future) and then the future will be a disaster.

Therefore I say work on honesty. Totally honesty about past, present, and future.

From a guy who has been through this situation before when I was a lot younger, I was never able to trust her again. And to find out later that what I SUSPECTED was REALLY going on, was the truth, not the "We only kissed....." false truth that she used.

A therapist told me YEARS later that if your partner who loves you is telling you something that has happened "to be 'honest' with you", they are most LIKELY NOT telling you the entire truth, only a half a truth because they don't want to hurt you.

I'm certainly not one to give advice. All I can say is that I wish that I would have trusted MY feelings and not let her off the hook like I did.

I wish you luck, but DEFINTELY take this as a HUGE warning sign that SOMETHING is terribly wrong. And there may be nothing that you can ever do. Not to say that you cannot work things out, but the possibility does exist that she is looking for something, that simply cannot and does not exist.

To use my situation as an example, my ex-wife was from a family where the father was an abusive alcoholic and her mother was a severely depressed woman, so my ex wife was emotionally neglected as a child. I was her savior, her knight in shining armor. But I could never give her the love and attention that she never had during her childhood. Before you say that is a bunch of bunk, let me tell you that both of her sisters did EXACTLY the same thing!!!!!!!!

As is often the cased, I have to agree with both Bombi, and I think ReadyOne had a good point also. Yes, this situation is serious and suggests some big issues in the relationship. At the same time, it is premature to say "Kick her out". The child alone is reason to pause before doing so, as is the (admitted) level of infidelity.

Bombi is also absolutely right to suggest counseling. It will help Jason and his wife determine the root causes of her infidelity while bringing out the whole truth. At that point they can both determine more effectively where they want to go next; whether that is splitting up or rebuilding their marriage is up to them.

ReadyOne's point about honesty is a fairly good one too. Trust is based upon honesty, so without honesty there can be no trust.

Tough situation Jason; I don't envy you. You have a lot of thinking and talking to do before this situation will be resolved. Good luck.

Just so everyone knows, I do have a real problem with the whole mental health system. That includes marriage councilors.

Anyone can lie thru their eye teeth to these councilors. Many people do everyday.

You may never hear the whole truth. So either accept that you are going to live with it or not.

I am sorry, but that child is the first reason that I would give someone for leaving. So that the child doesn't grow up with a twisted, warped view of what relationships are suppose to be like. Staying together for the sake of children is never a good reason to stay.

Jaybird3 said:

Staying together for the sake of children is never a good reason to stay.

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I completely agree with that statement. Staying together for the children never works. In turn you only make yourself more misreable.

ReadyOne has some valid points, it just seems like there is more to the story that she isn't telling...

First of all … YOU must decide what YOU want to do.

a) Separate
b) Divorce
c) Consider marriage counseling
d) Work it out privately
e) Something else

Think about c) Consider marriage counseling. Here’s why:

Generally speaking, people who don’t want to remain married won’t go to marriage counseling. As soon as you pick up the phone to reserve the first counseling session you will begin to make up your mind as to whether this is a waste of time.

If your wife strongly resists marriage counseling that COULD BE, an indication she wants out of the marriage, but that’s not an absolute.

She may simply be embarrassed by her actions or just uncomfortable airing “dirty linen” in front of a third person.

But ultimately … YOU must decide what YOU want to do.
She decided to kiss a guy rather than tell you she needs more attention.

The rest is up to you.

Good Luck


Angler.

I agree with angler on the counseling and I personally tried this many times with my ex. She went to a total of 1 session. Do yourself a favor and figure out what you really want. Act on it. The worst thing to do is nothing and to pretend that everything is fine and you will be able to fix it by yourself.

Whatever the underlying reason is for her actions, trying to pretend everything is OK will only make it worse.

This happened with my 1st wife.

While we were engaged (like a couple of weeks before the marriage), she went home with a bus boy where she was waiting tables. Claimed she chickened out and nothing happened. This revelation occurred a couple of weeks after the wedding.

I've always been pretty understanding and accepting. I asked her what she planned on doing in the future, and she said she hadn't and wouldn't see him again.

Interesting thing about the honeymoon night. My recollection of it was that she had no difficulty with sex and fucking. She says it hurt like hell and she bled. she gave no signs of discomfort even when asked as we went along and I didn't see any discharge.

I suspect she overlaid her true first time experience on top of the wedding night because that was how she though a "good girl" would have reacted on the wedding night. So I wonder where her first time was? She said it was with me, but was it with the bus boy or someone in college?)

So I forgave and told her that if she wanted to do something like that again it would be nice to talk about it first. She said (again I suspect she gave the "good girl" answer) she'd never get into s position where something like that could happen again.

A couple of three months later, I come home from work and she asks if I'd eat her out. (We'd not done that before, believe it or not!) Then she blurts out that the busboy had done it to her and it felt so good and before she realizes it, she virtually confesses to having been seeing him again. Calling Dr. Freud...

Long story shorter, I ate her out, she went through the roof, and in the talk afterwards she said that since she wanted me to think of her as a good girl or proper lady, she didn't want to agree to even talking about stepping out least I not accept her. I was as firm as I could be about her being honest, no matter how she felt or thought that I would think about her or the issue. That time it probably took.

First, she got a job clerking retail. Later on she ask several times for my blessings to go fuck someone including a weekend trip. Finally, a few years later, she brought up the subject of splitting up (which I had been waiting for her to do), and moved half way across the country to a city where we both had relatives.

I suppose she could have still stepped out on me. The restaurant and store were next to each other in the shopping center. I had a regular schedule of being gone late certain evenings. Her work schedule varied and she went to school in the daytime for a couple of semesters. She made friends very easily, was very giving, and greatly liked making people happy. No reason she couldn't have done almost anything that didn't leave marks.

But she was very honest after our conversation in the details of her life and it was a bit hard for her to hide things from me. I didn't get upset with her (not counting once over money) and we communicated well. Word from the relatives after we divorced was that she didn't have anyone waiting in the wings but dated around for a year before hooking up again. And, she did get to play around when she wanted to.

(The reasons we divorced were that we shouldn't have gotten married in the first place and didn't want to bring kids into the world; they had nothing to do with either of our conduct.)

If I was paranoid, I could have decided she was cheating. OTOH we did quite well with my trusting her after she decided to be honest with me.

I also have had negative impressions on counseling, but that won't stop me from recommending it. Based on my experience, yes you can lie to your counselor, its a little harder to lie to a counselor when you're sitting there with your spouse, but it still happens.

Obviously even if she comes clean and tells the entire tale from one end to the other, he's still unlikely to believe her. Believing that someone is telling the truth involves either independant verification, or you have to trust the person.

I'll also agree that staying together for the sake of the child is a bad idea. It hurts you, your spouse and the child. However, having said that, the mere fact that a child is involved SHOULD give a person reason to sit down and consider the situation carefully before making a rash decision.

Right now, Jason is angry, hurting and probably not thinking at his very best. He's probably not sleeping well, and the tension in his home is thick enough to be cut with a butter knife. Whether they intend to save the marriage or go their own ways, they need to defuse the tension at home so they can make a reasoned decision, not one clouded by anger and spite. Counseling might help, but so would sitting down calmly and trying to talk it out with the wife.

The issue here really isn't about cheating. Its about figuring out what to do next with their lives. She's already confessed to one indescretion, and he undoubtedly suspects more went on that she hasn't told him about.

There are really only two options open to them, and frankly I don't know how they'd even go about with option #2.

Option #1: Divorce
Option #2: Save the marriage.

Option #1 is straightforward. Oh sure he could opt to get nasty and lay the fact that she has been fooling around at her feet in court. The courts generally do not like people that fool around and tend to make things harder on them. Or they could decide to go no-fault if their state has a no-fault divorce, in which case its an amicable (of a sort) breakup.

Option #2 is much harder in my opinion, as much as I love my wife, I keep asking myself how could I rebuild my trust in her if I were in Jason's shoes and quite frankly, I keep coming up with "I don't know!". Trust is extremely fragile, and once broken, very very hard to put back together. Some have spoken about the primary issue being honesty and in a way they are right. But I think they have the cart ahead of the horse in this case. Short of hiring someone to follow your wife around and verify everything she does, you either trust that what she tells you is true, or you don't.

Given time, it may be possible to rebuild the level of trust needed to maintain a healthy relationship. But it won't and can't happen overnight.

In fact, I've been toying around with this idea since this thread started, even considered starting a new thread about building trust in someone and the processes involved. As strange as it might sound, I think its easier to build trust with a perfect stranger than it is to try to rebuild whats been broken by someone close to you. No matter how long, no matter what that person does to show they are worthy of your trust again, you will always carry that suspicision with you.

To use my situation as an example, my ex-wife was from a family where the father was an abusive alcoholic and her mother was a severely depressed woman, so my ex wife was emotionally neglected as a child. I was her savior, her knight in shining armor. But I could never give her the love and attention that she never had during her childhood. Before you say that is a bunch of bunk, let me tell you that both of her sisters did EXACTLY the same thing!!!!!!!!


Exactly! Thank you my friend-your experience is almost to a "T"
what happened in my marriage-She had a lot of issues from her family (7 kids and lots of emotional/physical abuse) She loved me for what I represented and where I came from but the men she actually wanted were the "disreputable" type. She had a sister who was 1 yr older and was the same way-emotionally wacko. Man I was used! I have nobody to blame except myself for such stupidity!

I think Bobmi gives great advice.....this is not the end of the world.

Thanks to Bobmi, and everyone else here. You all gave me things to think about.
Unfortunatly, It seems I've caught her at the lies again.

On sunday, when this all first happened, I asked her if she had told her parents.
(I asked this, becasue she offered to move home. And she had told me previous to this, her mother wouldn't let her move home)
Now, she told me that she had told them. this was about 5pm. afterword, she went out to a Mary-Kay party, and My son and I went to dinner at my parents. where I discussed some of this with my brother.

Now, today, I asked her *WHEN* she told her parents. She replied:" It was before you came home from your parents." Which means, that when she had told me about telling her parents earlier, she was lying.

So basically, it happend like this, She broke the news to me, and told me she told her parents, then we all left the house. She returned home before me, and then decided to call up her mom and explain.

I just feel like she's not telling me everything, and if little white lies keep poping up like this, how will I ever be able to trust anything she says again???

She either needs to tell me the whole truth, or leave. I can't take this anymore, I'm stressed out.

And that's the other thing, she acts like nothing ever happened. When I came home from work today, she's all smiles! "Hi Honey!"
And it seems she's had a MAJOR (and weird) change of attitude. Now, all of a sudden, everything is right. everything is nice and happy. She's all smilies, and she's even mixing up the Iced Tea!!!! I used to have to do that.

One good note: She says, no matter how this ends, she dosen't want to drag it through the courts and fighting for child custody, support etc. She wants us to have shared custody if we split up.

I don't think counseling would help much, I mean, she looked right into my eyes, and lied about all of this. No reason she couldn't do it to someone she dosen't even know. I have too much turmoil inside. But you know what, I think about what I would do if We didn't have our child, and I know exactly what I'd do, I think I'd walk right out. maybe I'm just hanging on because i think it will be easier for him if we are together?

Anyway, thanks again everyone! I really appreciate it.

Jason, kids aren't stupid. They will notice that Mommy and Daddy aren't acting like they love each other. And you can't expect to give oscar winning performances every day of your life. Staying together for the sake of the child, while perhaps is a noble intent, doesn't really do you, your wife and your child any good.

Its time for one of those wake up call chats with the wife. Its time to sit her down and tell her what you suspect, what you believe, and what you intend to do if she doesn't change her ways. As the party that hasn't caused the problem, you could contest the custody issue and probably win.

Its time that she learns just how bad the consequences of her actions might be. You need to impress upon her the seriousness of what your considering, AND why. Explain about the "white" lies that you've caught her in. Expose her to the fact that you know she's been lying to you. For all you know, she may be cheerfully gloating, thinking she's getting away with this, having her cake and eating it too.

If you're lucky, she'll see the error of her ways and perhaps offer to make changes which could lead to saving the relationship. If not, well at least you can hold your head up high and know you did the honorable thing, and tried to save things. You'll be able to leave with a clear conscience, knowing you gave it a shot and it wasn't you that forced the marriage to end.

If I were you, I'd also consider the issue of the child. Sharing custody with someone as untrustworthy as she appears to be may not be such a great idea. If the courts are aware of her extramarital activities, they will give you serious consideration if you petition for custody.

I know a lot of this sounds contrary to what I've been posting earlier. But if you can't get the relationship back on an even keel, then there is no use in continuing it.

My take on this is somewhat simple, try to fix things, if you can't fix them, get out of the relationship and find someone worthy of your love and attention. At least you'll have the knowledge that you did try to fix it even if she didn't want it fixed.

My sympathies to you Jason, I hope you manage to get your life in order and can continue your relationship with your son.