Sub Drop / Top Drop

I know we talked about this a year or so ago, but we have some new folks here so I thought I'd open up the discussion again

Do you experience this phenomenon? How do you distinguish it between normal stress or sadness and a reaction to heavy play?

How do you cope with it?

The following article asserts that this is more common in LDRs or in situations where the partners don't get to play often. I don't know enough about it to agree or disagree.

http://www.consent.co.nz/sub2.htm.


I think I experience it some of the time. I find myself tearful and overly sleepy the next day. I tend to second guess myself and get all worked up over silly little things. Master or one of my sub sisters talks me out of it pretty easily though and its over fairly soon.

I'm interested in hearing other people's thoughts or experiences with this.

Not exactly drop

More like extreme exhaustion. I am drained and can sleep anywhere from 6 to 12 hours.

It is a lot of work.

it never lasts until the next day, but i definitely experience a signifigant drop in mood right after a scene, even to the point of depression.

Re: Not exactly drop

Ebonyfire said:

More like extreme exhaustion. I am drained and can sleep anywhere from 6 to 12 hours.

It is a lot of work.

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No doubt, Eb. I can understand that. Thanks for answering.

bunny bondage said:

it never lasts until the next day, but i definitely experience a signifigant drop in mood right after a scene, even to the point of depression.

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So bunny, how do you take care of yourself at this time? What lifts your spirits?

Yes, I have experienced sub drop.

It was most significant after a rather intense scene with someone with whom I cannot hope to have a 24/7 relationship with. So, that it is an LDR with no hope for anything more contributed to the sadness after the connection and the intensity of the scene.

It passed after a couple of days. A lit friend as well as the Dom in question talked with me about it and made me feel a bit better.

For me, it seemd most important to set some goals in my everyday life and remain focussed on them as opposed to dwelling on the feelings that were threatening to disrupt my ability to function.

You are lucky to have such a strong support system, Des.

Big hugs.

Thanks Miss T. Setting goals to accomplish sounds like a pretty good strategy.

I know I'm very lucky and it doesn't happen all the time either for which I'm very grateful.

What is Sub drop? Pardon me for asking rather then looking it up myself but I’d just rather ask the people here then risk the chance of being misinformed. (The link at the top of the thread doesn’t seem to be working either.) From what I gather it seems to be a form of depression, exhaustion, anxiety unique to subs but what exactly causes it? Any help would be appreciated.

StarCandies, I'm sorry the link isn't working. I don't know why it won't open for you. I just went back to the site and copied again. http://www.consent.co.nz/sub2.htm It is from the D/s and BDSM Information Resource.

From what I've read, sub drop is the physical and emotional reaction to a heavy play session. During heavy play, lots of endorphines and hormones are released. Your mind also has to cope with the euphoria produced by all the sensations and hormone release of play.

Afterwards, when all this is over and the endorphins and hormones are gone, people sometimes feel lethargic, depressed, etc. According to this author, it is more prevalent in LDRs or where the sub and top don't live together.

I've experienced it, especially in the beginnings of my relationship with Sir, which, for now, is a long-distance relationship. When I returned home from a visit, I would feel depressed, and the longer the visit, the harder it would be to drag myself out of those feelings. Fortunately, we knew that was what I was going through, and took steps to help prevent it in the future. We stay much more closely in touch, as soon as I get home. I wear my restraints almost all the time that I'm not at work (having them on gives me a physical connection with Him). And we talk about it, which seems to take some of the power away from it. I think, just like everything else....communication is the key.

~anelize

Anelize, thanks for the thoughtful reply. I like the way you wear your restraints to remind you of your connection with Him. I have a gold chain necklace with His first initial in a heart that I wear at all times. I find myself fiddling with it alot and it does help remind me of Him and our bond.

Saying goodbye at the end of a visit is always very difficult for me. Even if I'm going to see Him in a few days, it still brings tears to my eyes when we part.

Does this happen to a lot of people or just a select few? It kind of scares me because I don’t think I could handle something like that being as I’m pretty emotional as it is. I don’t think I’d be able to do a one-night thing the whole ordeal is just to draining and I’m really quite fragile in that I need a lot of emotional support to function correctly. I often worry about if a long-term relationship is the norm but that’s another topic entirely isn’t it?

StarCandies said:

Does this happen to a lot of people or just a select few? It kind of scares me because I don’t think I could handle something like that being as I’m pretty emotional as it is. I don’t think I’d be able to do a one-night thing the whole ordeal is just to draining and I’m really quite fragile in that I need a lot of emotional support to function correctly. I often worry about if a long-term relationship is the norm but that’s another topic entirely isn’t it?

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These are all good questions and your first one is the reason I did the poll. I never experienced sub drop when I was playing with casual partners. I have only experienced it as part of a serious relationship. Support from our dominants and our friends seems to be key to surviving the emotional downs that some of us experience. Aftercare, the hugging, cuddling etc between sub and dominant is also very important as you return to reality.

Desdemona said:

So bunny, how do you take care of yourself at this time? What lifts your spirits?

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cuddles, kisses, and kind words are the only medicine for it!

bunny bondage said:

cuddles, kisses, and kind words are the only medicine for it!

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That's my kind of medicine!!!

Hi Des...

Y'know in retrospect I may have gone through this and wasn't even aware. I'm glad you brought it up because I didn't understand what it was or realize it was such a common thing.

Live and learn.

Thanks red. I had been struggling with it myself and it just hit me between the eyes the other day. I learn something new every day.

I've experienced top drop from the sub drop.

WriterDom said:

I've experienced top drop from the sub drop.

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You know, somehow that doesn't surprise me. It kind of makes sense. A weepy subbie can't be much fun.

I think Lance would call it relationship drop. And would probably be right.

I have experienced it but for me it tends to come a day or so after we are apart. Thats when the feeling of not being centered gets me.

Thankfully we have discussed it enough and he knows me well enough that he recognizes it quickly and can recenter me easily.

GG, so good to see you posting here! I'm glad your dominant helps you through this. I think the timing varies from person to person.

Wonderful thread you started Des !!!

Oh yes I have experienced it. I didn't even know it had a name or what it was the first time.

I was over a year ago. I was driving back from being with Master the first time. That straight interstate doesn't help either.

I found out what it was soon after that. It is quite an emotional upheaval.

It doesn't happen every time now when I see Him, but the good byes are difficult for me. Of course the cuddling and touching after a scene always helps.

Since the relationship is done so much on the phone again, due to distance. A form of it can occur even then. Not all the time, but sometimes if you have an intense, deep phone session it can happen.

Having a gold chain that I wear all the time gives me something to help ground myself when I need it. I am also lucky enough to have sisters and friends who understand and can help if I need it.

I wrote an essay on aftercare, and devoted a short section to subdrop. I'll paste that section here, it covers my thoughts and experiences on the matter rather well.

Full article is here if anyone wants to read.

* * *

Aftercare is especially important during a phase some call subdrop. Subdrop refers to the feelings of intense anger, betrayal, loneliness or emotional instability that many subs feel after playing. I go to play parties a few times a year and spend many many hours playing, often pushing limits, with good friends and new friends alike. When I get home, I am usually hit with incredibly strong feelings of loneliness and a huge drop in self confidence. I start wondering if the people I played with enjoyed being with me, if they will want to play again or if they were just humoring me, and even entertaining ideas of quitting the scene altogether. It is always a very confusing and frustrating time, because I have so much fun and discover so much during that weekend and during my scenes, yet am left feeling lonely and angry for days.

Subdrop is one of the negative aspects of scening, and failure to provide the needed aftercare can result in scaring someone away from the scene for good. The feelings and emotions felt during this drop may not be logical, but they are very real and very valid. It takes a tremendous amount of trust to open yourself up as much as is often required in a D/s scene, and after all is said and done the realization of just how much of ourselves we trusted into the hands of another is frightening. The feeling fades after awhile, especially when quality aftercare from friends and your partner is present, but sometimes the feelings are so intense that we end up making decisions or saying things we later regret.

Tops need to be aware of and be able to recognize the signs up subdrop, be available to help the bottom get through those times and rebuild his or her emotional strength, and provide the support necessary to ensure the overall experience remains a positive one. Bottoms need to remember that their tops are only human too, and might experience doubts and periods of 'top' drop as well. Having doubts or insecurities does not make anyone less of a dominant, if handled properly.

Thanks serijules -- I enjoyed reading the article.

I know I do experience "Top drop", and it's much like an abbreviated version of feeling emotionally drained and depressed for me. I am listless, have problems sleeping or focussing, and generally don't want to be back in the real world.