How to make people laugh

Bullshit?

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And,


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E!
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,


B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%


Thus, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

Helpdesk ALERT!

GirlGriend Version 1.0

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately.? I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.? He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.? He was right--as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway.? I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.? This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.? I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with

GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.? Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.? Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.? He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.? So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go
with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.? On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware, it's software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.

lots of quickies

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?!
A. Their balls are just for decoration.



Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.



Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Saucyminx said:

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?!
A. Their balls are just for decoration.



Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.



Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Click to expand...

Those are so funny! Thank you!

This is really one of the most fun places in the whole internet...

Pinocchio has just turned 16 years old and Geppetto thinks to himself: "My son is going to take an interest in girls, I had better explain to him about the birds and the bees."

So he spends time telling Pinocchio about girls and sex and making love and all that. Pinocchio listens intently and then goes off to experiment.

Some time later, Geppetto sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

Pinocchio replies, "Great! I'm doing fine, except that all the girls are complaining about splinters."

"Oh dear," says his father, "all I can suggest is that you smooth things over first with some sandpaper."

Some time later, he sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

"Who needs girls when you've got sandpaper!"

Thank you Techsan at his Laughter is Contageous thread. This link has to be shared.

Frank Sinatra parody ~ strangers on my flight

Stranded...

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:


- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with
the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a
pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant
in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're
satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman
will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature
of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they
can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household
chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her
relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why
didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all
rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin'
nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a "hot rock
massage", and go shopping...

think this is a repeat but worth a 2nd giggle

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going
to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold
him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy
tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's
shot, you should go fishing.'"

How True

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the
Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands
on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of
cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the 3 captives
that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their
island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her
last wishes no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the
trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Bud." The Chief motions to some
of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with
the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is
thrown in the pot.
The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big
plate of escargots cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to
his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back
everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and
he is then thrown in the pot.
The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"
The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I
want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is
bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply.
"I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief
shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him
as hard as he can. With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the
Chief and all of the other cannibals.
The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the
Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"
The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU
and the State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Funnies

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing." The
officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month." "Why did you wait
so long to report it?" "Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a
dream."


====================================

Deb and Dave had just finished a vigorous round of passionate sex when
Dave discovered that the condom he was using had come off. After the
initial panic wore off and expletives were issued, Dave, in a fit of
humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while pointing it towards Deb's private
parts yelled: "Swim toward the light! Swim toward the light!"

====================================


While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this
on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards." Underneath,
someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."

An Old Favorite...

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

>
> > Subject: Fw: donkey & the onion
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
>>
>> Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
>>
>> but every once in awhile, you get lucky,
>> and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
>>
>>

Subject: FW: 911 calls...



These are real calls received by 911 dispatchers.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Sing this along to the Gloria Gaynor tune "I Will Survive"......


At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I
grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on....

But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry! I should
have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans!

Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't
you a brat to think I wouldn't catch you out!? Don't you know we're
only joking when we say size doesn't count???!

(Chorus)
I will survive! I will survive!
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!. . .Hey! Hey!

[Verse II]

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!
But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs Now

I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

(Chorus)

Saucyminx said:

Sing this along to the Gloria Gaynor tune "I Will Survive"......


At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I
grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on....

But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry! I should
have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans!

Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't
you a brat to think I wouldn't catch you out!? Don't you know we're
only joking when we say size doesn't count???!

(Chorus)
I will survive! I will survive!
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!. . .Hey! Hey!

[Verse II]

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!
But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs Now

I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

(Chorus)

Click to expand...

Thank you Minx ~ That is fabulous.

Boudreaux's Fish'in Trip

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his
mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later! Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin . . . wif two more frogs.

-------Original .Subject: stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiller who lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

and before she could say "Fuck"...

"The Rottweiller ate her!"

I didn't check these for accuracy--but they did make me laugh

Proof That The World Is Nuts


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.


(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.


(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
And deflower young virgins, who pay
Them for the privilege of having sex
For the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.


(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.


(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.


(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.


(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.


(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."


(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour.


(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
Always falls over on its right side
When intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)


(Did the government pay
For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Starfish don't have brains.


(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.


(And I thought I had bad
Breath in the morning!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Religious Squirrels

There were four country churches in a small Minnesota town: The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But--The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Great thread. Just what I needed today!