My neighbour, Kelly the Crackwhore

montrealgirl said:

Don't feel bad. None of us can compete with Kelly. Here I am night after night all alone, listening as she has two, sometimes three visitors a day.

She's just that magnetic.

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*looks at map, calculates distance from Port Huron, Michigan, over Blue water bridge into sarnia, on through to Montreal* Be there in about 36 hours or so...*

Seriously, a woman with your beauty, charm, brains and wit...COME ON YOU CANUCKS what's the problem, guys?.....Take this wonderful woman out on the town or something, wine her and dine her, woo her, DO SOMETHING by yiminy, snap her off her feet!!!!

(But not before she finishes the saga of KTCW, okay?)

mcopado said:

*looks at map, calculates distance from Port Huron, Michigan, over Blue water bridge into sarnia, on through to Montreal* Be there in about 36 hours or so...*

Seriously, a woman with your beauty, charm, brains and wit...COME ON YOU CANUCKS what's the problem, guys?.....Take this wonderful woman out on the town or something, wine her and dine her, woo her, DO SOMETHING by yiminy, snap her off her feet!!!!

(But not before she finishes the saga of KTCW, okay?)

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I heard a bunch of footsteps running for my door and I got a tad excited.

Then I heard something about waiting for Part Six and I heard the footsteps start to fade into the distance.

I'd best get writing.

oh fucking subscribe!!!!!

Loved the newest installment. The photo of those eyes is just plain frightening. I've shown this thread to some friends at work and they are hooked now. We can't wait for Part Five.

Quick question: Have you ever seen her without her makeup?

New Year's with KtCW: Part Five

January 2, 2006: Continued...

My door slowly swings open, and there she is, in all her glory, standing before me. I barely know this women, yet I feel such a kindred connection with her. I wonder if she feels it too.

Today she is wearing a pair of black tight leggings and black pleather boots that extend up her leg just over her knee. A loose fitting, burgundy v-neck sweater completes her winning ensemble. As per usual, her makeup has been heavily applied. She may of been wearing perfume, but I couldn't tell as the odour of stale beer was permeating from her, filling the hallway with its musky scent. There she stood in my doorway, looking up at me puffing incessantly on a cigarette. My eyes began to water but I kept a forced grin on my face.

"Hi there," she stammered, extending her hand towards me, "Happy New Year. My name is Kelly."

"I know. I've made you semi-famous in a thread on an adult website, called My Neighbour, Kelly the Crackwhore. It's made me popular with some and hated by others," I reply.

Okay, fine. No didn't.

"I know, we've met before," I replied, gently and cautiously taking her hand, "Happy New Year to you too."

"Was that your nephew who was staying in your apartment on the weekend?"

"No, that was my cousin."

"Well, I hate to bother you with this, but your cousin and his friends broke down my door on New Year's Eve."

This last statement was met with a sinking sensation in my stomach, and a feeling of slight shock. I stood looking at this 40-something year old woman, totally trashed on my doorstep at 4:00 in the afternoon, shaking like she is coming off a terrible high, dragging off her cigarette, thinking of the photos I have on my desktop. A few thoughts run through my mind;

What is this crackwhore talking about?
Could my scrawny cousin be capable of breaking down a door?
Why would he, unless he and his friends got drunk and thought it would be funny (so not funny in my opinion).
What if some of her "friends" decide to confront me?
Are those boots really pleather?
Is she seriously butting her ashes on my freshly vacummed doormat?

I regrouped and replied, "oh my god, you've got to be joking!"

"No, come, look at my door." We moved across the hall to her door and sure enough it was not sitting on the hinges properly; in fact, the entire door frame inside her apartment was split from the bottom up. So now I certainly can't argue with her or tell her she's joking. I consider it in my best interest to here this CW out.

"Please, tell me everything. When did all this happen?"

She proceeds to tell me a story that has many holes and inconsistencies, but I try to piece everything she is saying together.

"It all started on Friday night. I came home really late and there were 4 boys hanging in our hallway and I was really scared (okay, i'll give her that...I would have been intimidated by that too). When I passed them they asked if they could come in my apartment to use my bathroom because they were locked out of your place."

Straight away I start to take this whole story with a grain of salt as I distinctly remember John calling me at 3:30am panicked because Kelly had returned home and was dragging their luggage into her place. He was honestly frightened at the thought that she could be a true crackwhore.

"You know," she continued, "I just don't need this at all. It's a new year and what a way to start off. I'm single you know; for the first time in my entire life. My boyfriend left me in the summer and now I'm on my own for the first time and I was really really scared with your cousin staying next door."

Hm. Again, I'm thinking that if different men every night at her apartment is her definition of being alone, I must qualify for official hermit status.

"On New Years Eve the boys came over to my house and were drinking whiskey. They left and I went to bed (on New Years?). I was then woken up by banging on my front door. It was your cousin and his friends trying to get into my house. I yelled for them to go away but they kept on. Finally I called the cops and it took forever for them to get here."

"The cops!" Oh my. This wasn't so entertaining anymore. I was listening to her thinking, "wow you really are a crackwhore," but was looking at the broken door and in the back of my mind, I knew that the boys had some contact with her on Friday night at least.

"Yeah, the cops came and went all through your apartment. (I start to think, hm, without a search warrant?). I sat all night on my mattress with a knife in my hand petrified. Now what am I going to tell the landlord? My fucking door won't close."

"Just call the landlord and tell him your door won't close. You don't need to explain anything. They'll fix it."

"I can't lie to the landlord. I'm Irish."

Huh??

By now, I am standing inside her apartment for the first time. I spot the double sized mattress laying in the living room. Sitting on the mattress is a man with a few front teeth missing, a long braid running down his back, fiddling with a DVD player. He doesn't even seem to notice I am there.

"That's my friend Raphael. He just bought me a DVD player. What a nice guy," Kelly explains. He looks up and grins that toothless grin.

"Nice to meet you," I say, thinking, better here than on my window at 3am.

We walk into the kitchen and there are several glasses all over her counter and table. I see a few wineglasses with remnants of beer in them and smile to myself. She offers me some chocolates. I refrain.

"Listen Kelly, I am so so sorry about what has happened and that you were so scared. My cousin is a really great kid and I'll talk to him. I can't believe this has happened."

"Listen, I'm not angry at you, but I want you to talk to your cousin and call me back and let me know."

"Um, let you know what?"

"What the fuck he was thinking!"

Hm. Right. She rips of part of a matchbook cover and scrawls her phone number on it. She hands it to me and I take it reluctantly.

"Call me after you've talked to him and let me know."

"I could just come over..."

"No, call me."

Alrighty then. I apologize again to Kelly quite bewildered and a little angry. I mean, I know my cousin, and this just doesn't add up. I also can't comprehend her insistence that she tell the landlord my cousin beat down her door. But mostly, I am angry because I know I am in a lose-lose situation. I mean, how can I argue with a crackwhore if I wasn't even there? I know deep-down that regardless of what John says, I'll probably end up admitting that he did break down her door because she is 100% convinced that is what happened.

I leave her apartment and return to mine, locking the door behind me. My first thought was to call John. Then I took a deep breath in and started to choke. Those few brief moments in Kelly's lair have entrenched the stench of tobacco into my clothes. I go change instead.

In fresh clean clothes, I sit on my sofa and start to think about my next move.

"First I'll finish mopping the floors, then I'll call John."

naded said:

oh fucking subscribe!!!!!

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oh, I fucking hope you did!

Nice to see you here naded. Let me know if you have any questions for Kelly.

lostinjapan said:

Loved the newest installment. The photo of those eyes is just plain frightening. I've shown this thread to some friends at work and they are hooked now. We can't wait for Part Five.

Quick question: Have you ever seen her without her makeup?

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Nice to see you back here LIJ - my what a far way we have come.

To answer your question, no I have never seen Kelly without her makeup. Mind you, we very rarely cross paths. She has seen me however in my yammies (walking to the laundry room) and my face sans maquillage. I'm sure its just a matter of time until I catch her face naked too.

Although, I am really not looking forward to it.

montrealgirl said:

January 2, 2006: Continued...

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OKAY NICE CANADIAN GUYS WHO KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LOVELY, CHARMING AND INTELLIGENT WOMAN.....YOU CAN COME BACK NOW AND WOO HER.....JUST MAKE SURE SHE COMES BACK IN A FEW DAYS TO ADD TO THE STORY!!!!!

mcopado said:

OKAY NICE CANADIAN GUYS WHO KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LOVELY, CHARMING AND INTELLIGENT WOMAN.....YOU CAN COME BACK NOW AND WOO HER.....JUST MAKE SURE SHE COMES BACK IN A FEW DAYS TO ADD TO THE STORY!!!!!

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Oh my, I hear the sound of a hundred scuffling feet! I hope I can keep up!

Thanks for coming by again mcopado...always a pleasure when you visit us

montrealgirl said:

January 2, 2006: Continued...

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Maybe she has breaking down a door confused with getting a woman pregnant and now she thinks he has to marry her

Does she not think you could check her story out by oh--I dont know--calling the police and asking to see the report If they went through your apartment they would have to show it to you

my.... this story has certainly taken an intersting turn.... and by interesting I mean semi-scary.

some thoughts....

could you call the police to find out if she really called them? it seems to me that if they really searched your apartment they'd be obligated to tell you.

maybe kelly got your cousin and his friends mixed up with 4 other guys she was trying to bang.

does kelly look irish?

do irish people not lie?

hey... I never said all my thoughts made sense.....

in any case, definitely curious to read the rest of the story.

wildfyre said:

Maybe she has breaking down a door confused with getting a woman pregnant and now she thinks he has to marry her

Does she not think you could check her story out by oh--I dont know--calling the police and asking to see the report If they went through your apartment they would have to show it to you

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OMG, wouldn't that be the best!! Kelly could marry John and then she could forever be a part of my family...attend all the holidays together...if I ever get married, she could be my maid of honour!

I bet I'd be named godmother.

If only I was so lucky.

(stay tuned for Part Six)

mrtnmoon said:

my.... this story has certainly taken an intersting turn.... and by interesting I mean semi-scary.

some thoughts....

could you call the police to find out if she really called them? it seems to me that if they really searched your apartment they'd be obligated to tell you.

maybe kelly got your cousin and his friends mixed up with 4 other guys she was trying to bang.

does kelly look irish?

do irish people not lie?

hey... I never said all my thoughts made sense.....

in any case, definitely curious to read the rest of the story.

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Mrtn I can answer the question about the Irish not lying--cause Im of Irish descent Ever hear of the Blarney stone--the Irish are said to have silver tongues--now they would *never* lie to you but they canl twist and stretch the truth with so much Blarney that its unrecognizable!!! We seem to be seeing that in action in this story!

mrtnmoon said:

my.... this story has certainly taken an intersting turn.... and by interesting I mean semi-scary.

some thoughts....

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Semi-scary? Yup, I agree....and I love hearing your thoughts, shoot!

mrtnmoon said:

could you call the police to find out if she really called them? it seems to me that if they really searched your apartment they'd be obligated to tell you.

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Stay tuned for Part Six....

mrtnmoon said:

maybe kelly got your cousin and his friends mixed up with 4 other guys she was trying to bang.

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This is why I LOVE your comments....awesome....

mrtnmoon said:

does kelly look irish?

do irish people not lie?

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I'm Irish. And I've never lied in my life. Did I mention I exercise every day and never eat sweets?

mrtnmoon said:

hey... I never said all my thoughts made sense.....

in any case, definitely curious to read the rest of the story.

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Glad you plan on staying tuned in...This whole story is better than fiction!

wow.... to have my question answered by two lovely irish lasses. *sigh* I can go to sleep happy now

mrtnmoon said:

wow.... to have my question answered by two lovely irish lasses. *sigh* I can go to sleep happy now

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You seriously have posted some fantastic comments on this thread...you crack me up...please post any other thoughts/questions you have

Kelly is back already ? Whoa. The plot has thickened. Good read. I wasn't expecting such a quick turn around.

Lets see ,if Kelly sees men day and night and she is' lonely' , And you classify yourself as the 'village hermit' (was that it ?) That makes me ,uh, OMG 'dead ' .

borg3of4 said:

Kelly is back already ? Whoa. The plot has thickened. Good read. I wasn't expecting such a quick turn around.

Lets see ,if Kelly sees men day and night and she is' lonely' , And you classify yourself as the 'village hermit' (was that it ?) That makes me ,uh, OMG 'dead ' .

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Hey borg3of4...

Thanks for giving me some props on the quick turn-around. I felt kind of bad keeping people waiting so resolved to get it written tonight as I have plans from tomorrow night through to Sunday, and it actually takes a long time to crop and resize the photos, type the stories out and proofread them.

I know. I make it all look so easy.

LOL.

Loved your comment...very funny indeed.

This thread is wonderful! I have been nothing short of entertained by the tales of KtCW. Each part just gets better and better. I can't wait for part six and you better bet I am subscribing to this thread. Keep up the great work!!!

It's a New Year (for some)

You know....

... you know, one just doesn't realize that scenes from Blue Velvet actually exist, until one walks into them... or until they start eerily creeping into your living space, like a bloodstain soaking into the carpet from beneath your door.

I will have to admit, Master Sensei of Irony MG, that despite Sulk's almost unpalatable delivery (sorry, Sulk, but delivery matters, and you do bring it on yourself, you know?), despite the difficulty in accepting Sulk's words as spoken, I had my reservations... The compassionate heart was reaching out, thinking ooo, MG is treading heavily on some fractured lives here.

And I will have to admit that I have had a KtCW in my life, that she was in fact a he and an ex-mafioso, and that somehow I managed to navigate piranha infested waters without losing any of my precious flesh...

Finally I will admit that the waters of compassion have either flash-frozen, or dried up, or simply trickled through my fingers. I have to agree with Monsieur Le Moon, there, that this story has turned a corner into an alley I would have preferred not to have visited: already did my time reasoning (or not) with drug-addled minds, and hoping the toothless one doesn't get his focus long enough to think you or your apartment are "interesting".

Hope somebody turns the lights on soon... alley's looking mighty looong.

qbert12345 said:

This thread is wonderful! I have been nothing short of entertained by the tales of KtCW. Each part just gets better and better. I can't wait for part six and you better bet I am subscribing to this thread. Keep up the great work!!!

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Its fantastic to see new faces on the thread. Welcome qbert12345

I particularily like new faces that tell me they are being thoroughly entertained by my tales. Please do subsribe, and let me know what you think of any future anecdotes.

And don't forget to tell all your family and friends.

mrtnmoon said:

wow.... to have my question answered by two lovely irish lasses. *sigh* I can go to sleep happy now

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Silly mrtn---MG is the only loverly lass to answer your question---Im just the local redhead

But I am glad that you are going to sleep happy

it_matters said:

You know....

... you know, one just doesn't realize that scenes from Blue Velvet actually exist, until one walks into them... or until they start eerily creeping into your living space, like a bloodstain soaking into the carpet from beneath your door.

I will have to admit, Master Sensei of Irony MG, that despite Sulk's almost unpalatable delivery (sorry, Sulk, but delivery matters, and you do bring it on yourself, you know?), despite the difficulty in accepting Sulk's words as spoken, I had my reservations... The compassionate heart was reaching out, thinking ooo, MG is treading heavily on some fractured lives here.

And I will have to admit that I have had a KtCW in my life, that she was in fact a he and an ex-mafioso, and that somehow I managed to navigate piranha infested waters without losing any of my precious flesh...

Finally I will admit that the waters of compassion have either flash-frozen, or dried up, or simply trickled through my fingers. I have to agree with Monsieur Le Moon, there, that this story has turned a corner into an alley I would have preferred not to have visited: already did my time reasoning (or not) with drug-addled minds, and hoping the toothless one doesn't get his focus long enough to think you or your apartment are "interesting".

Hope somebody turns the lights on soon... alley's looking mighty looong.

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I'll be really honest - the thought that someone who knows Kelly might read this has crossed my mind, although I'm hoping and banking on it being very unlikely. Can you imagine the shock that would appear on my smart-ass face if she ever came to my door with this printed out! Luckily I could take her down. Raphael however; not a chance. Although Raphael couldn't even hook up that DVD player. I doubt he has tried out the "internets."

Another confession: This all started out as fun and games for me; telling my friends and co-workers about my new "crackwhore" neighbour. Then I started this thread to have an outlet to tell my stories. But over time she has become a pain in my side; I mean seriously, cops at my house! But, there is nothing I can do, so I may as well make the best of it and continue writing my observations here...

And I do my very best to keep clear of Kelly and her guests. No worries there. She did say (I forgot to put it in the story, damn!) that I was "really pretty and that we should party together sometime."

Yeah. Zero chance of that happening.

montrealgirl said:

"really pretty and we should party together sometime."

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See, that's just it. There's that sweet neighborly attitude she... exudes... again. I mean, beyond having the police bust into your place. Oh the ethical dilemma. I am sure that when we get to your MG & Kelly Party Post -- what would that be, sort of a wasted Montreal-ian Paris Hilton photo op? -- I am sure we will see all of this discomfort just ironing itself right out.

Kelly -> <- MG

Best Buds

it_matters said:

See, that's just it. There's that sweet neighborly attitude she... exudes... again. I mean, beyond having the police bust into your place. Oh the ethical dilemma. I am sure that when we get to your MG & Kelly Party Post -- what would that be, sort of a wasted Montreal-ian Paris Hilton photo op? -- I am sure we will see all of this discomfort just ironing itself right out.

Kelly -> <- MG

Best Buds

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I love when people turn "party" into a verb. However we are learning that CWs are just like us, and sometimes they too need to relax and unwind.

Frequent visits from the cops can really wind a person up.

Oh, the photos I'll take that night!