.

[SomeBliss]

"..."

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

Hi, SomeBliss. The short answer to your question is yes, there are many types of Dom, just as there are many types of Sub. Like you, I have a history of abuse. Add that to my history of anxiety and I was a mess. In my opinion, one of the first things you need to do is figure out what type of Sub you want to be. The BDSM Test can help. Once you understand yourself, THEN you can seek out a Dom that will complement you. Also, know that not all Dom/sub scenes need to involve pain or impact play. Because of my history, my Dom refuses to engage in impact play until my therapist agrees that I am ready, and even then we have decided that we will take it slowly, if at all. My current punishments are all about losing a privilege, such as orgasm denial, sleeping next to him, or having dessert. I classify myself as a "little", and he is more of a "caretaker" Dom.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Are there different types of Doms, or are they all essentially the same?

Many different types. Everybody has their own needs and limits. If yours don't mesh with some particular dom's, that just means they're not the right dom for you. If they try to tell you "a real sub would be into this", they're trying to manipulate you.

 

[Thomas_Hardy]

No sound dom would behave like this, it's a red flag.
Might you be looking for trusted connection first, that then allow exploring sexualities?

 

[emme8]

Some "Doms" might act like that. But a well matched Dom will enjoy most of the same things. Even if he occasionally pushes a limit.
Know what you want, need, and don't want. Decide what your deal breakers.
Your submission will be a gift. Find someone who appreciates it.

 

[PrimalDual]

Concur with the opinions expressed so far.

A wise submissive once explained to me, "the sub actually holds all the power in the relationship." That seemed paradoxical. It wouldn't apply to a long-term relationship. But for the typical casual D/s games, the Dom has more to lose when the sub says, "I'm sorry, I just can't play this way anymore," than the subbie does if Domly Dom says "you're a bad sub, I'm out." Once you think of D/s as a willing power exchange, and that you do indeed hold significant power in the first place, the dynamics change for the better.

Negotiation is key in most such situations. By yourself, lay out two lists, then show them to the Dom: your hard limits, and your soft limits. The latter are the ones you would rather not do, but if it happens to be the Dom's kink then you would consider it for their pleasure. But the hard limits are basically non-negotiable, and if the Domly Dom is interested only in those, then look for a new Dom. As the relationship develops, you'll run into new surprises and have to add them to your hard limits;a Dom worth having should cheerfully go along with it. No one can anticipate all eventualities.

Suggestion: do some online research. Look up the concept of "daddy dom," for instance, and see if the notion of a protector/caregiver/mentor resonates for you. (It's not at all the same as a sugar daddy, and FrenchLopBunny mentioned something similar above.) If that's not it for you, then some other style will appeal to you, and you can then tell this to the next dominant who approaches you.

My two cents worth, based on the information you gave. If memories of abuse trigger you, use your strongest safeword and just get out. If you think you're a sub, you're probably a sub, but that doesn't make every self-styled Dom your dominant.

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

And as a sub, do I have to do it?

Oh hell no! Kick him to the curb! You should be discussing what will happen before you start, and AGREE!

 

[PrimalDual]

So my results on the bdsm test were a bit unexpected. I scored highest as a switch.

Strange, I have never heard of this and certainly have never met someone who said they were.

Back to the drawing board.

Glad you gained this insight! And one can see how it could take a Dom, especially one without a lot of relevant experience, by surprise. Good luck in your explorations!

 

[cascadiabound]

So my results on the bdsm test were a bit unexpected. I scored highest as a switch.

Strange, I have never heard of this and certainly have never met someone who said they were.

Back to the drawing board.

This may or may not be right for you, but would certainly give you insight into other ways for Doms to be other than what you have experienced. There is a thread that has sometimes been on this board and sometimes on the Playground forum called "Daddy's Little Girl"

https://forum.literotica.com/threads/daddys-little-girl.1285088/

https://forum.literotica.com/threads/daddys-little-girl-second-edition.1481549/

https://forum.literotica.com/threads/daddys-little-girl-fourth-edition.1583842/

Now in it's 4th iteration. You might want to scroll through it. At times there has been a lot of conversation, at other times not so much.

This thread has more dialogue, but I haven't reviewed it lately:
https://forum.literotica.com/threads/kinks-we-dont-understand-dd-lg-first-in-a-series.1507658/

Another old thread I found to be an interesting read was called "Gentleman Doms"

https://forum.literotica.com/threads/reflections-on-gentleman-doms.1083983/

One more that might be useful:

https://forum.literotica.com/threads/the-ups-and-downs-of-top-and-bottoms-↕️.1516473/

Also... can I point you to the stickies at the top of this board? You might get some clarity for yourself there too. Especially the one by Stella Omega and my posts that got turned into a stickie.

Best of luck to you on your journey. Remember it's yours to shape and anyone who tries to make you do anything you don't want in the name of submission or anything else is full of shit.

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

Yes! what Cascadiabound said. Those are all great resources. Come join us in Daddy’s Little Girl. There are a lot of wise subs who hang out in that thread.

 

[Silvergrizzly31]

So my results on the bdsm test were a bit unexpected. I scored highest as a switch.

Strange, I have never heard of this and certainly have never met someone who said they were.

Back to the drawing board.

I wouldn’t be surprised if some unhealed trauma might have caused that “switch answer”. Maybe subconsciously protecting yourself or at least causing a blip in those answers

 

[PrimalDual]

Are there different types of Doms, or are they all essentially the same?

Everyone thinks I’m a sub, I think I’m a sub yet have not been able to submit to the Doms I have explored with. I have abuse history and what I’m asked to do often seems just like what I have gone through.

And even when I don’t try to find a don, that is what I end up with.

Puzzled and disillusioned

One more thought, and then I will try to shut up. There is a concept in the BDSM world of a "slave" and I have not seen the word in this thread as yet. Not a slave in a legal sense of course. But it is possible the self-styled Doms you have encountered expect a Master/slave relationship, without necessarily having the experience to call it by that name. Good ol' Wikipedia has a page that serves as a starting point for you: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Master/slave_(BDSM)

As mentioned above, the behavior you've described of ignoring obvious if implicit hard limits can be a red flag unless it is what you too want from the experience. "I'm submissive, not a slave" could be a good way to express it, in the heat of the moment and after the safeword, and maybe would lead to a useful meeting of minds about where you and the Dom are suffering the disconnect.

Then again those Doms might simply be dangerous loonies.

 

[cascadiabound]

I'm going to say one more thing and will also shut up.

@SomeBliss
If you have questions about how someone is treating you there are folks around here you could PM for help or to vent. My PM is open and I could certainly point you to others.