Cock Talk

[Love_Is_Blonde]

This is one of those things which sounds so obvious that we don't even question it.

What does 'communication' mean in this context?

This is what communication looks like:

Who’s picking up the kids from practice?
Are you getting dinner tonight or am I?
Did you pay that bill yet or do I still need to?
I hate my job; should I quit?
The doctor found a lump and I have to go back for a second mammogram. I’m scared.

Sometimes other things outweigh whether or not your husband is sexually compatable with you or not. Maybe he is a rockstar dad who your kids idolize and who somehow makes everything ok when things have looked their worst. Maybe you and he are really great at financial planning and you’ve built a great nest egg for your kids and you’re happy with that. Joy comes in lots of forms and you make choices.

What is the right answer? There is no clear cut way for anyone to make this call. You just have to do the best you can with the situation that YOU have. No one knows exactly what other people here have on his or her plates. You make your decision for you and hopefully we can all remember to keep in mind that we are more than just the one facet that we show here on this site.

 

[Endless_Night]

I really don’t like it when I’m not taken seriously.

Yeah. This was fire starter.

And very nearly relationship ending worthy in itself.

 

[hotwords229_A]

Offer advice when it's requested. Otherwise just listen and empathize.

This is nearly impossible for me. I can listen and empathize, but not solving the problem (assuming there is a solution) goes against everything in my soul.

Just listen. There’s this thing called active listening, where you listen to hear not listen so that you can respond. A lot of people only listen so they can say something back to someone else. Don’t do that.

This makes sense.

So sometimes, when everything else is working just perfectly, maybe it's better to shut the fuck up about the 2% which isn't? Or would you rather insist on laying it all out there and risk the whole shooting match for that 2%? Either way, do feel free to communicate your opinion - with great openness and candour, please.

I agree with much of this.

There's a difference between venting, making a random comment, and asking for advice. If in doubt, ask. That said, you should not have to listen to someone complain endlessly about the same old same old.

Okay, this is an important point. Venting is absolutely a time to listen and not respond. Sometimes everyone needs to just have that total meltdown and say everything that pisses them off. I’m totally cool with that. And I support listening and, if you need to smash some windows go for it!

Random comments, I’m going to ask questions. Believe it or not, I ask a lot of questions.

Endlessly complaining about the same thing? I cannot deal with this. I can’t stand when someone only wants to complain and take no effort to fix the problem. It drives me insane.

I think that looking at the reason behind why women want to be heard (huge generalization) and why someone offers advice, is a good start.

I agree. The “why” of things always matters.

And don’t wait until your anger is built up because then your (my) temper erupts and you say things that are not at all helpful.

What is the right answer? There is no clear cut way for anyone to make this call. You just have to do the best you can with the situation that YOU have. No one knows exactly what other people here have on his or her plates. You make your decision for you and hopefully we can all remember to keep in mind that we are more than just the one facet that we show here on this site.

 

[StillRain]

Just came in to say I’m sad I missed the blow job chat and really hope I don’t miss the hot boy anal chat.

 

[hotwords229_A]

Just came in to say I’m sad I missed the blow job chat and really hope I don’t miss the hot boy anal chat.

Blowjobs are always on the table. You didn’t miss anything.

 

[Deleted member 6592667]

This is nearly impossible for me. I can listen and empathize, but not solving the problem (assuming there is a solution) goes against everything in my soul.

But sometimes there's not really a problem to solve. People, your partner specifically, needs to vent and that's okay. Just listen and be there. 9 times out of 10 if I'm venting I don't need advice. I just need someone to sit with me and be in my corner.

 

[Landshark1]

Let’s Go South Carolina Gamecocks!

 

[RosewoodTulip]

We seem to agree that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but then why are so many people struggling to communicate?

Do you have good communication with your partner? Why?

N/A to an irl partner. I have the best I can I think online. I'm able to express myself and ask questions too.

It’s often said that “women just want to be heard”. And when you offer advice (solutions), they look at you like you’re the biggest douchebag on the planet, how do we get around this?

The answer is in the question. Just listen, don't problem solve. We often just need to say what's on our mind so we can try to figure out how to deal with it ourselves. If we do want a solution then we'll ask but most of the time we just want to know we're being listened to and understood.

What steps do you take to keep the lines of communication open?

Healthy communication is so important. Make time for each other. Don't assume everything is a personal attack. Also don't let resentment boil into anger, try and express any needs or frustrations as they happen.

How do you deal with a partner who is impossible to communicate with or doesn’t see that there is a problem?

I'd leave.

What was one of the hardest honest conversations you ever had with a partner?

I'm not gonna trauma dump here but usually my hard and honest conversations were usually ignored or twisted so it seemed like I was making a big deal out of nothing.

Would you be surprised if your partner told you that you were difficult to talk to?

Maybe? I try to be open minded and empathetic but I also know I'm very guarded and insecure. It can't be easy for anyone who would want to get close to me.

What steps would you take if they did?

I'd obviously want to know why to see if it was something I could work on or if it was a fundamental difference in what we want.

How open and honest are you about your sexual needs, thoughts, desires and perversions with your partner?

Fairly I think now when trying to get to know a potential date. Before I didn't really know what I wanted so couldn't ask for anything.

 

[Lmizzler]

Cummunication
https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMzk5NjE5Nzc0NV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMDU0MTgwNA@@._V1_.jpg

We seem to agree that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but then why are so many people struggling to communicate?

Do you have good communication with your partner? Why?

It's great in certain areas and struggles in other areas. I'd take the blame for much of it I suppose. It is tough to address the difficult issues at times although crucial to a healthier relationship.

It’s often said that “women just want to be heard”. And when you offer advice (solutions), they look at you like you’re the biggest douchebag on the planet, how do we get around this?

Listening to hear vs listening to respond has already been talked about but this really is HUGE! (That's what she said.)

What steps do you take to keep the lines of communication open?

We try and do a regular couple mile walk together that lets us both discuss and air things out, while doing some physical activity so it isn't just pent up energy and emotion the whole time.

How do you deal with a partner who is impossible to communicate with or doesn’t see that there is a problem?

It's me isn't it. I'm that partner.

What was one of the hardest honest conversations you ever had with a partner?

We've had some monsters alright, but the best ones have been the most honest. The most pointed. And generally lacking too much emotion, because the ones fueled by emotion end up as monster fights instead of monster conversation .

Would you be surprised if your partner told you that you were difficult to talk to?

Not in the slightest. I'm a hot mess sometimes and pretty selfish.

What steps would you take if they did?

I'm constantly trying to just listen and not respond. Speaking positive words the rest of the week is helpful. Helping with daily chores, errands, and household responsibilities helps as well.

How open and honest are you about your sexual needs, thoughts, desires and perversions with your partner?

This is an area we struggle a bit more. Constant work in progress.

Has your partner ever shared something with you that blew your mind?

Absolutely, if they haven't then you may not be as close as you think you are.

 

[hotwords229_A]

We try and do a regular couple mile walk together that lets us both discuss and air things out, while doing some physical activity so it isn't just pent up energy and emotion the whole time.

I think this is important.
I don’t know why walking makes talking easier, but it seems to.

 

[Lmizzler]

I think this is important.
I don’t know why walking makes talking easier, but it seems to.

Totally agree. Gets some good endorphins going as well as releasing some of the energy. Plus the vitamin D and fresh air.
Just makes the conversation happen a bit more naturally to me.

 

[Mei5ter]

I like being open. It’s not for everyone and you should do what works for you. I’m not you, so I expect your perspective to be different from mine. Is that bad or wrong? No. Just different.

Thank you - though neither the situation nor the perspective I floated here are my own. For what it's worth, I've been told I'm a very good communicator when I choose to be, and you can interpret that as you will!
But I thought the OP's question was a very interesting one, and was curious to see whether everyone feels about and defines communication similarly. There are plenty of people - and threads - on Lit which raise mismatched sex drive as an problem, so I picked that as something people here would be familiar with when questioning whether total openness was necessarily always best. I'm not sure whether I've made my mind up on this one?

Meanwhile, what I'm hearing is that you like to be open...

Just because you don’t share all aspects of yourself with a partner doesn’t mean you aren’t still incredibly effective at communicating with each other.

I definitely don’t share everything in my head with anyone else. I keep some things for me.

...but not about everything?

I guess my next impertinently personal question would be...who decides what you're open about when you need to have a difficult conversation?

 

[MedicalMuse]

Thank you - though neither the situation nor the perspective I floated here are my own. For what it's worth, I've been told I'm a very good communicator when I choose to be, and you can interpret that as you will!
But I thought the OP's question was a very interesting one, and was curious to see whether everyone feels about and defines communication similarly. There are plenty of people - and threads - on Lit which raise mismatched sex drive as an problem, so I picked that as something people here would be familiar with when questioning whether total openness was necessarily always best. I'm not sure whether I've made my mind up on this one?

Always good to keep an open mind.

Meanwhile, what I'm hearing is that you like to be open...

...but not about everything?

Yep.

I guess my next impertinently personal question would be...who decides what you're open about when you need to have a difficult conversation?

When it’s detrimental to my sanity and wellbeing, then I am better about sharing. If things are progressing in a way that requires communication there isn’t a reason not to be open. But always with kindness. I don’t want truth to be a weapon.

 

[Endless_Night]

< I don’t know why walking makes talking easier, but it seems to.

Totally agree.

I recently learned that walking or pacing can be a stimming behavior that helps people self soothe. It's most commonly referenced to neurodivergence, so may not be relative in this case. Which now leads me to wonder how neurodivergence affects my answers to these types of questions. I do seem to have an unusually high need for transparency and clarity.

I will now be thinking about this for the next two days . . . .



Dang it.

 

[Lmizzler]

I recently learned that walking or pacing can be a stimming behavior that helps people self soothe. That's in reference to neurodivergence, so may not be relative in this case. Which leads me to wonder how neurodivergence affects my answers to these types of questions. I do seem to have an unusually high need for transparency and clarity.

I will now be thinking about this for the next two days . . . .



Dang it.

Overthinkers Anonomous has some great groups to join.

In fairness, I actually pace a lot when I'm on the phone as well. The walking and movement seems to focus and settle my brain.

 

[hotwords229_A]

I recently learned that walking or pacing can be a stimming behavior that helps people self soothe. It's most commonly referenced to neurodivergence, so may not be relative in this case. Which now leads me to wonder how neurodivergence affects my answers to these types of questions. I do seem to have an unusually high need for transparency and clarity.

I will now be thinking about this for the next two days . . . .



Dang it.

I don’t get many headaches, but when I do a brisk walk, regardless of weather, is usually the cure.
People should walk more.

Overthinkers Anonomous has some great groups to join.

In fairness, I actually pace a lot when I'm on the phone as well. The walking and movement seems to focus and settle my brain.

I do this too.
Also when thinking, problem solving, eating breakfast, etc.
I need movement to think.

 

[Endless_Night]

In fairness, I actually pace a lot when I'm on the phone as well. The walking and movement seems to focus and settle my brain.

I do this too.
Also when thinking, problem solving, eating breakfast, etc.
I need movement to think.

Have I mentioned I love you both?

 

[Mei5ter]

If I found out a partner had, "discreetly worked out ways of dealing with the situation," without discussing it with me first? That would end things. Period. No higher court of appeal.

Interesting. I deliberately phrased that ambiguously, so that it could cover a broad range of behaviour. Including...

A hypothetical situation: you find your partner has concealed an interest in a kink which you find unacceptable. (I don't know what that might be but...maybe scat, or animals, or wearing a Putin face mask, or...pick your own).

They satisfy this interest by discreetly watching porn dedicated to this kink.

I'm curious whether, for you, that would be enough to end things?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I think this is important.
I don’t know why walking makes talking easier, but it seems to.

There's this concept of shoulder to shoulder communication as opposed to face to face communication. It's much easier to talk about hard things when shoulder to shoulder.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

For me, I need honesty. If I am committed to someone, in whatever context, I'll move heaven and earth to find a way for them to be happy. Even if I'm not committed, that might be true, if there were good reasons to maintain the relationship.

I think honesty is completely overrated.

I've really sat with this one for a long time and I do understand that need in others. I certainly don't have it in myself.

Like everything in life, there's a lot of grey areas in all things honest and true, etc. It's a really interesting part of someone's "character" - their honesty. Because in my opinion it's still subjective.

I'm much more interested in accountability. Taking responsibility for one's self. Sometimes there may be omissions or things said with integrity that could be interpreted as not entirely true.

Fear gets in the way a lot and as humans we really do suck at navigating that.

 

[Apisto42]

Cummunication


We seem to agree that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but then why are so many people struggling to communicate?

Do you have good communication with your partner?

Hm. It’s honestly hit and miss.

Why?

But it’s better because honestly she tries harder in some ways then I do. Like meister wrote, I don’t think everything needs to be discussed.

It’s often said that “women just want to be heard”. And when you offer advice (solutions), they look at you like you’re the biggest douchebag on the planet, how do we get around this?

I find listening and not offering advice is better when dealing with everyone regardless of their sex. But if you give advice and it goes wrong, they blame you. If you give advice and they don’t take it and it goes wrong, they blame you. I prefer just being a sounding board and saying things like “what do you think?” “What is your feeling on this”

What steps do you take to keep the lines of communication open?

I’m available naked 24/7. She knows this.

How do you deal with a partner who is impossible to communicate with or doesn’t see that there is a problem?

Find a different partner.

What was one of the hardest honest conversations you ever had with a partner?

Hm. Not for public consumption, but it dealt with extended family and what needed to be done. It went well because we’re both from pretty severe dysfunctional families so she could relate.

Would you be surprised if your partner told you that you were difficult to talk to?

Nope. Been hearing it for 23 years. Not a surprise.

What steps would you take if they did?

Oh, I’ve changed how I react to her most outlandish shit. So it’s easier to finish those conversations. With both of us being happy with the outcome.

How open and honest are you about your sexual needs, thoughts, desires and perversions with your partner?

Fairly open. The kinky shit I keep for in here and writing.

Has your partner ever shared something with you that blew your mind?

Basically all the sexual harassment that she had to deal with growing up. It was a bit eye opening on just how shitty a lot of men are.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Do you have good communication with your partner? Why?
No. We really do suck at it.
It's bad patterns, mostly. He describes what he sees me doing instead of what's going on for him. I rebut because what he says he thinks I'm doing/feeling/whatever is nothing close to what's actually going on. We both feel invalidated and nothing gets resolved.

It’s often said that “women just want to be heard”. And when you offer advice (solutions), they look at you like you’re the biggest douchebag on the planet, how do we get around this?
Easy.
"That sounds xxx. Are you looking to vent or asking for advice?"
Let her tell you what she needs.

What steps do you take to keep the lines of communication open?
Emotional regulation. Blowing up makes me difficult to confide in. I actively practice staying calm, avoiding jumping to conclusions and listening to conversations the same way I listen to music; with curiosity and delight.

How do you deal with a partner who is impossible to communicate with or doesn’t see that there is a problem?
It depends
In my case; we ended the relationship. We did try therapy. That was a disaster (I still wholeheartedly recommend it, though).
Work on yourself. Don't wait for someone else to change. Stay in your lane, acknowledge your shit and get better and hotter.

What was one of the hardest honest conversations you ever had with a partner?
Discussing dropping the use of condoms with my other partner.

Would you be surprised if your partner told you that you were difficult to talk to?
No. He tells me at least once a day

What steps would you take if they did?
See above.
I also use written communication when there's something important I need to relay and welcome it reciprocated.

How open and honest are you about your sexual needs, thoughts, desires and perversions with your partner?
Not really open, to be honest. He can't handle it and I don't feel safe opening up to him about it

Has your partner ever shared something with you that blew your mind?
He's poly. That was a big conversation. I accepted that. Provided him a safe and soft spot to share that news.

 

[Apisto42]

I think honesty is completely overrated.

I've really sat with this one for a long time and I do understand that need in others. I certainly don't have it in myself.

Like everything in life, there's a lot of grey areas in all things honest and true, etc. It's a really interesting part of someone's "character" - their honesty. Because in my opinion it's still subjective.

I'm much more interested in accountability. Taking responsibility for one's self. Sometimes there may be omissions or things said with integrity that could be interpreted as not entirely true.

Fear gets in the way a lot and as humans we really do suck at navigating that.

Love this. Be there for yourself and hold yourself accountable.

 

[Endless_Night]

Interesting. I deliberately phrased that ambiguously, so that it could cover a broad range of behaviour. Including...

A hypothetical situation: you find your partner has concealed an interest in a kink which you find unacceptable. (I don't know what that might be but...maybe scat, or animals, or wearing a Putin face mask, or...pick your own).

They satisfy this interest by discreetly watching porn dedicated to this kink.

I'm curious whether, for you, that would be enough to end things?

Ah. I see. I took it in the narrow sense of having sexual relations with someone other than your partner without their knowledge. Presuming the relationship assumed monogamy.

I don't do ambiguous well.

To answer this question: If I understand your point, then, generally speaking, no. It would not end things.

That answer would be somewhat kink dependent, though. Are we talking some form of chronophilia? Then, f**k, yes.

 

[Apisto42]

Ah. I see. I took it in the narrow sense of having sexual relations with someone other than your partner without their knowledge. Presuming the relationship assumed monogamy.

I don't do ambiguous well.

To answer this question: If I understand your point, then, generally speaking, no. It would not end things.

That answer would be somewhat kink dependent, though. Are we talking some form of chronophilia? Then, f**k, yes.

Had to look that one up. And agreed.