Story Feedback

[al55]

Hi all, I published a new story but haven't got many comments. I was wondering if any authors could take a look and provide ideas for sequels or prequels.

https://literotica.com/s/the-zoo-1

 

[lovecraft68]

Congrats on the story. You're better off asking for feedback here, though

https://forum.literotica.com/forums/story-feedback.1/

 

[Bramblethorn]

Congrats on the story. You're better off asking for feedback here, though

https://forum.literotica.com/forums/story-feedback.1/

He already did: https://forum.literotica.com/threads/story-feedback.1613601/

I suspect the length of the story and its, uh, not-for-everyone subject matter might be why it didn't get any feedback there.

 

[lovecraft68]

He already did: https://forum.literotica.com/threads/story-feedback.1613601/

I suspect the length of the story and its, uh, not-for-everyone subject matter might be why it didn't get any feedback there.

Ah, okay, I didn't check there. A lot of people who post first stories don't always start there.

Its crazy long, and if they knew how SCi-Fi cat worked they'd break it into ten chapters so they could manipulate the top lists.

I didn't skim to see the content, to each their own.

 

[AllenWoody]

I took a look, but didn't read very far for a couple of reasons. For one thing it has the word Zoo in the title, which has me slightly concerned that it deals with themes of bestiality, which doesn't interest me. The tagline (?) was cut short, but also suggests something unnatural or non-human. You could help alleviate or clarify these types of misunderstandings by adding an introductory note at the top of the first page that lets the reader know better what to expect. Tags would also help.

Edit: I do see the tags.

 

[TheLobster]

115k words?! Man, that's a solid novel. Like @lovecraft68 said, you should’ve drip-fed it in 10-20k chapters. A foreword wouldn’t have hurt either. You gotta reel the readers in because 100k+ is just daunting.

 

[Voboy]

Hi all, I published a new story but haven't got many comments. I was wondering if any authors could take a look and provide ideas for sequels or prequels.

https://literotica.com/s/the-zoo-1

You've posted a 32-page story in SF for just two days now.

That's why there aren't many comments.

 

[lovecraft68]

I took a look, but didn't read very far for a couple of reasons. For one thing it has the word Zoo in the title, which has me slightly concerned that it deals with themes of bestiality, which doesn't interest me. The tagline (?) was cut short, but also suggests something unnatural or non-human. You could help alleviate or clarify these types of misunderstandings by adding an introductory note at the top of the first page that lets the reader know better what to expect. Tags would also help.

There's an entire category where adding "were" to a dog suddenly doesn't make it bestiality. so I don't think its too concerning. If it happened to be too heavy on Bestie I would think Laurel would have moved it to NH, but she didn't so...

 

[onehitwanda]

115k words is novel-length. That's a hell of a time investment to ask people to put in with no guarantee of return on investment.

 

[Darkniciad]

:: Temporarily transforms into Darkniciad because his regular forum posting ID doesn't have much street cred in the category ::

Don't stress too much over the length. The readers in the category don't mind long stories. I'd be willing to say that most of them prefer it. They're first and foremost Sci-Fi&Fantasy readers, with Erotica readers coming in second.

It is, however, going to slow down readership to hit them with it all at once. Notice I said slow down, and not deter. It's only been up for two days. You have to give folks time to read a novel. Some are going to wait to start it until they have sufficient time to read a good chunk.

From a purely self-promotion standpoint, you could have gotten feedback faster and put your name in front of the readers more often if you'd broken it into chapters, or parts if your internal chapters or logical breakpoints are particularly short and you need to combine them to hit a decent submission length. ( You'll want to be breaking into a 3rd Lit page by at least a little in the category for most chapters. A shortie here and there won't hurt as long as it isn't the first and isn't the norm. )

I haven't read it, but I will point out that some of the comments here are hitting on one point that may be causing some readers to skip it. Zoo in the title may be making some cringe and shy away. Looking at the tags, and assuming they're correct, it's probably a monster girl story about a mermaid. I would strongly suggest using monster girl as a tag on anything similar in the future. Impossibly large breasts play well in these stories, and breast expansion was a good tag to catch those readers. Don't be afraid to hit them with Huge Breasts or Huge Tits either. You only used a handful of tags, and you have 10 available.

You've also used the non-con tag, and content like that can deter readers as well. It's not necessarily a deal-breaker, but the majority of readers who don't step away immediately are going to go into it hoping it's a plot point that's going to see the victim get some justice or revenge in the end.

The tags tend to come into play in the long-term rather than the short-term, where the title and description line are King and Queen of attracting readers. I've already mentioned the title. Your description line has some intriguing bits, but it being cut off mid-word probably hurts. Crafting an intriguing description that will fit into so few characters is an artform.

Just a few insights from an old-timer in the category. I might skim it ( or if you catch me hard enough while I'm at it, read it ) a little later. I've got new stuff live in another pen name, a chapter to edit, another in progress, and fireworks videos to edit, so I'm a bit swamped right now. LOL

 

[StillStunned]

About the description line: the reason why it's broken off mid-word is that there's a 60-character limit (including spaces). You have to think very carefully about how to use those characters. Or do what I recently did: just write the first thing that comes to mind, and see your story languish with 500 views.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I haven't read it, but I will point out that some of the comments here are hitting on one point that may be causing some readers to skip it. Zoo in the title may be making some cringe and shy away. Looking at the tags, and assuming they're correct, it's probably a monster girl story about a mermaid. I would strongly suggest using monster girl as a tag on anything similar in the future.

From what I read, it's a "zoo" where human women are nonconsensually surgically transformed into mermaids, centaurs etc. and used as sex slaves. Not sure if that still counts as "monster girl"?

 

[StillStunned]

From what I read, it's a "zoo" where human women are nonconsensually surgically transformed into mermaids, centaurs etc. and used as sex slaves. Not sure if that still counts as "monster girl"?

Sounds like something is monstrous...

 

[lovecraft68]

From what I read, it's a "zoo" where human women are nonconsensually surgically transformed into mermaids, centaurs etc. and used as sex slaves. Not sure if that still counts as "monster girl"?

All non-consent is welcome on Literotica....as proven by this description.

 

[jehoram]

If you want readers to submit ideas for stories or sequels or prequels or whatever, here's the place:

https://forum.literotica.com/forums/story-ideas.2/

 

[RejectReality]

Just jumped to the last page, and it appears to end with no justice or revenge. Combined with the brief synopsis above, that's absolutely going to hurt the readership. A majority of readers are going to back-click once they come to the determination that's the direction it's going. You'll get a few who will stick with it for weird fantasy sex and a few who are just into non-con, but it's a niche fraction of the audience in a small readership category.

 

[lovecraft68]

Just jumped to the last page, and it appears to end with no justice or revenge. Combined with the brief synopsis above, that's absolutely going to hurt the readership. A majority of readers are going to back-click once they come to the determination that's the direction it's going. You'll get a few who will stick with it for weird fantasy sex and a few who are just into non-con, but it's a niche fraction of the audience in a small readership category.

Do people who read non con really want justice? Come on, man, seriously, don't sanitize things. They're rape fans. It's like saying taboo readers need someone at the end to say "Hey, no worries, it was just a role play"

They read for one reason, and it's not justice. Not shaming their kink, just tired of people acting like its not really what they want.

Non fans of non consent are not going to make it anywhere near that far to see if there's some redemption at the end anyway.

This will be a love it/hate it piece, and the ones who love it won't want it soft sold.

 

[RejectReality]

Do people who read non con really want justice? Come on, man, seriously, don't sanitize things. They're rape fans. It's like saying taboo readers need someone at the end to say "Hey, no worries, it was just a role play"

They read for one reason, and it's not justice. Not shaming their kink, just tired of people acting like its not really what they want.

Non fans of non consent are not going to make it anywhere near that far to see if there's some redemption at the end anyway.

This will be a love it/hate it piece, and the ones who love it won't want it soft sold.

No, I'm very serious. Danica has a ton of non-con in it, especially early in the story. A lot of people back out over that, and I get feedback about it. I usually tell them that things end very badly for Zoraster, but I understand if it gives them the creeps. Probably half of them end up giving it a shot after that. It's not about non-con readers, it's about S&F readers.

 

[Voboy]

Do people who read non con really want justice? Come on, man, seriously, don't sanitize things. They're rape fans. It's like saying taboo readers need someone at the end to say "Hey, no worries, it was just a role play"

They read for one reason, and it's not justice. Not shaming their kink, just tired of people acting like its not really what they want.

I read non-con and I love it when the antagonist gets their comeuppance. So. You have no clue what these readers "really want."

Speak for yourself. It's not useful to try to speak for others.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Hi all, I published a new story but haven't got many comments. I was wondering if any authors could take a look and provide ideas for sequels or prequels.

https://literotica.com/s/the-zoo-1

A fair rule of thumb for most (not all) categories is one Vote per hundred Views, one Comment per thousand Views

115k words is a very long first piece, and you're a new writer, so don't expect too much feedback too soon. People will tell you if they think it's really good or really bad, but give them a chance to read it first.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Just jumped to the last page, and it appears to end with no justice or revenge. Combined with the brief synopsis above, that's absolutely going to hurt the readership. A majority of readers are going to back-click once they come to the determination that's the direction it's going. You'll get a few who will stick with it for weird fantasy sex and a few who are just into non-con, but it's a niche fraction of the audience in a small readership category.

I also read the first few pages and then skipped to the last. Summarising very briefly:

- Bad Guy: I want to turn women into mermaid sex slaves.
- Woman: *signs contract without reading it*
- Bad Guy: Now you will be turned into a mermaid sex slave.
- Woman: This isn't what I wanted, I will escape!
- Bad Guy: In the end I'll break you and you'll learn to accept your fate.
- *nonconsensual mermaidification escalates*
[most of the book skipped]
- Woman: *failed to escape, is broken, learns to accept her fate as a mermaid sex slave*

Leaving aside the question of whether people do or don't require justice or revenge in NC stories, it feels like it ended up exactly where the first few pages said it was going to end up. I may be doing a huge injustice to the 25-odd pages I didn't read, maybe they took it in some unexpected directions before bringing it back to that original arc.

But in general, if I read just the first chapter of a book and then skip to the last page, I'd expect to be feeling some sort of "how on earth did we get from THERE to HERE?" reaction that made me curious about the middle. These two people hated one another, how did they end up as lovers? How is she killing the bogeyman who was supposed to be unkillable? etc. etc. I didn't get that here. Part of the reason I skipped was that I was starting to feel like this was going to be another 25 pages of the same and the last page certainly didn't change my mind on that.

There's just not a lot of surprise in "rich powerful unscrupulous guy sets out to crush ordinary person, succeeds". For some readers the fetish content will be enough to get them through 32 Lit pages, if they're into those particular themes, but for anybody else it risks feeling like a 3-page story with 29 pages of fetish filler, and I think SF/F readers generally do want a strong story.

Also, noting this part on page 1:

"Want to see a half-man, half-horse? Now you could. Want to see a cat woman? Well, suddenly it was possible. The problem was, how could you convince any sane human being to agree to become a human-animal hybrid and live in a zoo?" Luke asked rhetorically.

"The answer came in the form of a governmental program designated as People In Grievous Situations, or PIGS for short. The US government in the 2040s had a serious issue on their hands. Crime rates were skyrocketing, and incarceration rates were rising sharply...

This is a classic "As You Know, Bob" - it doesn't make sense for Luke to be telling these people stuff they already know, it's only in there as a way to give that backstory to the readers. This generally feels like a clunky way to provide exposition; I'd encourage looking for other ways to tell your readers what they need to know about the setting.