My first story is live - would love feedback.

[fizzlej]

Hi everyone -

My first story is live here. It entails a young man losing his virginity via pegging to his taller, more dominant female friend. There are some homosexual fantasies involved but they don't play out yet.

I'm already working on sequels so am eager to hear what people think. Thank you!

 

[smutarranger]

I dropped a comment! Would love to hear your thoughts on my stories as well.

 

[AlexBailey]

That was a fun read that hit home for me in many ways.

I was a femme nerd in high school. Near the end of senior year a hot girl who had a college boyfriend took an interest in me. We did a lot of things but we never had sex and unfortunately she never pulled out a strap on. I would have loved that!

The one thing that took me out of the story was wondering about was why she had the gear. It sounds like her relationship with Mark is typical cis/het. She seemed to be discovering Seth’s softness and lack of size as the story progressed - things she probably would have been already acutely aware of if she had plans to peg him.

Also, I couldn’t really discern the setting of the scene. Where are they? In a bedroom? A locker room?

(Anyway, femme boy, swimsuits, pegging, strong athletic girls… all fun things I wrote about in my novel.)

 

[MythicMind]

Some quick notes:

1) The transition from Olivia wanting to tell Seth about her first time to taking off her own clothes is very fast, almost immediate. This can be tough to write, but in cases like this, I want it to be earned. It was just too easy. Since it's third person narration, you could have her notice his disappointment and embarrassment while she told the story of Mark, leading to her wondering what's wrong. Rather than assuming Seth is still a virgin, she could ask him and then decide that she wants to do this for him. Not every character needs a reason to fuck, but you set up these two as good friends, and if shifting into sex had come with some friction might have made it hotter.

2) Olivia immediately notes that Seth is rather scrawny and sexually unimpressive. But this is set up so to suggest that she is doing this out of friendship, not lust. You had also set it up that they were both swimmers, so she would be familiar with his body type. Which is to say, you could have made her motivation more about her feelings for him rather than physical attraction. Maybe she would know going in that she would dominate, and this is what got her excited.

3) It was not explained why she happened to have a harness dildo. That's not a typical toy. This could have dovetailed with point #2—she wanted to dominate him and ordered it a couple of weeks ago.

4) The sex scene was very well done.

5) The technical writing is quite good.