The ability to let go during sex

[MrQuiet314]

I struggle with sexual inhibitions, especiallly now that I’m older. I’m very self-conscious about the way I look now (middle age dad bod), the way I sound during sex (do I sound stupid? weird?), and especially to admitting what I want in bed. It’s very hard for me to get outside my own head long enough to fully enjoy the experience. My libido is an angry tiger in a cage. He wants to hunt and feed and roar….but he’s confined. Has anyone else struggled with this, and if so, any practical tips on how you managed to let go?

 

[amigayorbi]

I struggle with sexual inhibitions, especiallly now that I’m older. I’m very self-conscious about the way I look now (middle age dad bod), the way I sound during sex (do I sound stupid? weird?), and especially admitting to what I want. It’s very hard to get outside my head long enough to truly enjoy what is happening . Does anyone else struggle with this? If so, what have you done to address it?

This is sex with your wife or others too?

 

[MrQuiet314]

This is sex with your wife or others too?

with my wife.

 

[amigayorbi]

We are in the same boat, I have been uptight about it too. Not sure how to start expressing

 

[MrQuiet314]

i am sorry to hear it but also glad I’m not the only one.
I think one of the attractions of being here is living vicariously through the lives of sexually uninhibited people. people who can do whatever they feel like doing. People who can unchain themselves from their doubts and limits and just be themselves and own their pleasures. I envy that. I truly do.

 

[Islander55]

Dropping inhibitions is not an easy thing to do. When I hit my 60's, I started thinking, "if not now,when". Certainly when we get older we are not going to compete with the hot young bodies nor do I even want to. I am quite content with average bodies but with the extra wisdom that comes with age. Perhaps one of the keys is to go after things with enthusiasm and make good use of what you have.

 

[GretaX]

What are you guys afraid of? Fear is the fucking devil, and we are all our own worst critics. Women love confident men! If your own wives judge you for expressing yourselves, then they are the problem not you. Get over your insecurities and just do it!! (Insert Nike Swoosh here)

 

[write_or_wrong]

I think what you're describing is more common than you think. So many of us started our sexual "careers" in secret, that we learned to conceal almost everything. My first wet dream was a complete surprise to me (and a bit scary) because no one had warned me it might happen or explained what it was. Back then, most girls had some training in menstruation to avoid that surprise, but the guys were usually left in the dark. I shared a bedroom with a younger brother and we went to bed at the same time every night. Of course I wanted to play with myself as soon as the lights went off but I couldn't make any noise that would give away my actions to him. I learned out of necessity that I had to keep my hand movements subtle, my breathing low and regular, and my orgasms as silent as possible. No wonder I was almost non-communicative sexually as an adult.

The turning point for me was when a lover asked me if I had come when I stopped thrusting in her. When I said "yes" she lovingly gave me a mini lesson in letting go and enjoying the moment. She explained that when a guy gave no indication of the pleasure he was having with her, she had doubts about whether she was attractive or a good partner. Since she didn't feel any passion from me it made her feel as though I was just using her to masturbate. I have been a much different lover ever since.

 

[GretaX]

Keep in mind, you miss 100% of the shots you do not take.

 

[MrQuiet314]

Ironically

What are you guys afraid of? Fear is the fucking devil, and we are all our own worst critics. Women love confident men! If your own wives judge you for expressing yourselves, then they are the problem not you. Get over your insecurities and just do it!! (Insert Nike Swoosh here)

Ironically, I’m confident in my sexual skills but not in my desires. When I was young, I had the newness of sex to help me overwhelm my inner doubts and let me fuck with abandon. Now that I’m middle age, it’s different. How to “just do it” is the real question….

 

[GretaX]

How to “just do it” is the real question…

You just do!! Roar like a beast. And when your wife looks up at you with the "what the fuck was that?" look, tell her to let herself go. Roar like animals, have a blast and just enjoy. You might be surprised to find that the Mrs. has been holding back a few inhibitions of her own.

 

[GretaX]

How to “just do it” is the real question….

You could also just try talking to your wife too. Probably best to start there. Many women (myself included) want a partner who is not afraid to be vulnerable....especially a spouse! You can get all the advice in the world from a bunch of strangers on Lit, but at the end of the day, she's the one who knows to you best.

 

[MrQuiet314]

You could also just try talking to your wife too. Probably best to start there. Many women (myself included) want a partner who is not afraid to be vulnerable....especially a spouse! You can get all the advice in the world from a bunch of strangers on Lit, but at the end of the day, she's the one who knows to you best.

And she does know me…in every way but this. Which is where my concern comes from. I don’t want to share my fantasties (which are tame compared so some exotic stuff i’ve seen around here) and have her be grossed out or think I’m weird. You’re right that we need to talk. I need to get better at starting that conversation.

 

[GretaX]

And she does know me…in every way but this. Which is where my concern comes from. I don’t want to share my fantasties (which are tame compared so some exotic stuff i’ve seen around here) and have her be grossed out or think I’m weird. You’re right that we need to talk. I need to get better at starting that conversation.

I get it, but trust the universe. It's awkward, I know but many women also have crazy fantasies and are just as insecure. You might be pleasantly surprised to find out that your wife is one of those women. So, the way I see it, that conversation could go one of s few ways:

1) she's totally into it and relieved you broached the subject.
2) she's not into it and might be a little uncomfortable with the topic, but is glad that you told her how you are truly feeling. She might even be reluctantly willing to try a few things ... even better, she may even enjoy it.
3) She's totally weirded out and needs some time to process what you are telling her. Depending on just how kinky your fantasies are, and/or how inhibited she is, this is understandable. Give her time/space to process but don't take it personally. If she loves you unconditionally, and if you expressed yourself respectfully to her, she will not judge you. If she does, then she has deeper issues and there are likely bigger problems under the surface of your marriage.

Hoping for scenario 1 or 2. Good luck!

 

[Travler99921]

My wife had trouble letting go. That changed after I came out as bi. She started asking for sexual activity she had resisted. Examples include cunnilingus to multiple orgasms, being rimmed, and performing light CBT on me. I hope there is more to come.

 

[MaxwellSmart86]

I struggle with sexual inhibitions, especiallly now that I’m older. I’m very self-conscious about the way I look now (middle age dad bod), the way I sound during sex (do I sound stupid? weird?), and especially to admitting what I want in bed. It’s very hard for me to get outside my own head long enough to fully enjoy the experience. My libido is an angry tiger in a cage. He wants to hunt and feed and roar….but he’s confined. Has anyone else struggled with this, and if so, any practical tips on how you managed to let go?

My wife and I have been together for 25 years, so you'd think it would be easy to be free and just let go in bed. Looking back, it seemed like it was easier to do so when I was in my 20s and early 30s. Nowadays, I struggle with it. I don't know what changed to make me feel so constrained. My wife is very encouraging and would love it if I could just let go.

 

[571nova]

I also have struggled my whole life to let go and just express the kink in my head but never have been able to. Then finally one night I decided to just let go and started to tell my long time G/F some of my lifetime kinky desirers and she just loved it. It has been about 6 months now and things just keep getting better, anal, watersports, 3some fantasy's, nude resorts, x rated movies and just about anything kinky are common conversations and activities in our lives now. I wish I could tell you what made me finally confess my inner desires, but I don't know, maybe I didn't want to dye and not have experienced my fantasies. I have had a lot of long-term relations with a lot of very beautiful women and wish I had done this many years age. I'm sure the quality of my life would have been a lot better. I'm just very happy I finally did.

 

[MiaBabe23]

And she does know me…in every way but this. Which is where my concern comes from. I don’t want to share my fantasties (which are tame compared so some exotic stuff i’ve seen around here) and have her be grossed out or think I’m weird. You’re right that we need to talk. I need to get better at starting that conversation.

What are your fantasies?
Admittedly I’ve seen more things than I imagined on here, but share them with us, I’ll give an honest response how I think I would react if someone I love shared it, if you would like.
And I agree with the above - vulnerability and the willingness to open up is definitely a good thing
And to reassure you, I found someone I’m into has a kink that has always been a problem to me - my instinct was to just want to know more

 

[MrQuiet314]

What are your fantasies?
Admittedly I’ve seen more things than I imagined on here, but share them with us, I’ll give an honest response how I think I would react if someone I love shared it, if you would like.
And I agree with the above - vulnerability and the willingness to open up is definitely a good thing
And to reassure you, I found someone I’m into has a kink that has always been a problem to me - my instinct was to just want to know more

Some things I would like to try (at least once).
1) FFM threesome
2) Anal sex
4) Toys (clit massager, cock ring, vibrator, prostate massager)
5) Light Dom/Sub (No pain or humiliation - control sharing - her telling me exactly what she wants me to do)
6) Role play - sexy librarian, strangers at a bar, etc.
7) peeing together
8) Being sexual in public (hot talk/touching) / Sexting / Sexy pics
9) Sex outdoors
10) Watching each other masturbate / mutual masturbation (aside from presex warmup)
11) Watching another couple have sex together. Letting them watch us.
12) Watching porn she likes

 

[ZfrkS62]

What are you guys afraid of? Fear is the fucking devil, and we are all our own worst critics. Women love confident men! If your own wives judge you for expressing yourselves, then they are the problem not you. Get over your insecurities and just do it!! (Insert Nike Swoosh here)

That's easy to say, especially on a forum of strangers talking the same big game, but when your partner is also inhibited, it makes letting go that much more difficult.

I can't fuck my wife the way i want to fuck due to her inhibitions, and not being fully comfortable with expressing my curiosities/ desires due to fear of shutting her down. I've tried a few things but gotten no distinct feedback.

I met someone last year that helped me be more ok with my secrets, but not enough to reveal them to her yet.

 

[MiaBabe23]

Some things I would like to try (at least once).
1) FFM threesome
2) Anal sex
4) Toys (clit massager, cock ring, vibrator, prostate massager)
5) Light Dom/Sub (No pain or humiliation - control sharing - her telling me exactly what she wants me to do)
6) Role play - sexy librarian, strangers at a bar, etc.
7) peeing together
8) Being sexual in public (hot talk/touching) / Sexting / Sexy pics
9) Sex outdoors
10) Watching each other masturbate / mutual masturbation (aside from presex warmup)
11) Watching another couple have sex together. Letting them watch us.
12) Watching porn she likes

Thank you for sharing that - and first thought, I definitely am not shocked by any of that
I personally wouldn’t want to consider 7, but that’s just me.
Obviously there’s a lot there ha so could be overwhelming for her. So maybe saying you have some things you’d like to try and mention one or two that you think might be most comfortable for her to consider.
The only other ones that would phase me is the threesome, and watching a couple, because it introduces so many potential variables; so I would maybe want to hear that as fantasy initially rather than suggestion - just my take.
I think 6 and 8 feel sexy without being threatening, so good starting points?
4,5,9,10,12 I think I would enjoy, though obviously pushing boundaries a bit more.
But several of these I would like to do, yet would probably feel shy about suggesting, and most of them I would happily consider with someone special.

 

[Sgts19]

I've been married 46 years and we've pretty much done it all, or all we wanted to try. After that long it does get sort of ho hum been there done that. Sex feels good but its more hey lets each get off. The lust is gone.
Now with someone else fucking her its like a different woman.

 

[lowcollar]

To be really free in the bedroom, I have to either know that I will never see that person again. Or, much better is really being able to trust the person. After being in our sixties and together for 15 years, we are more free than ever.

 

[Filipinawife]

To be really free in the bedroom, I have to either know that I will never see that person again. Or, much better is really being able to trust the person. After being in our sixties and together for 15 years, we are more free than ever.

I agree. Sometimes our meet ups I surprise myself how I let go

 

[ArseGratiaArtis]

You could also just try talking to your wife too. Probably best to start there. Many women (myself included) want a partner who is not afraid to be vulnerable....especially a spouse! You can get all the advice in the world from a bunch of strangers on Lit, but at the end of the day, she's the one who knows to you best.

Greta, that is part of the issue. We men need to be confident but vulnerable. I have found that confident works better. One time with my long-term girlfriend, we were having dinner and getting into the mood. It had been a few days and I was really horny, but then she started to talk about mundane things. Finally she stood up and said she was going to go work on one of her projects. I said, "No, not yet." I stood up and gave her a deep kiss, and while kissing unhooked her bra and got my hands on her tits. I broke the kiss and said, "Bend over the table." She did, and I took down her panties and took her from behind. I came, pulled out, and told her, "Now you can do what you want." She later told me that was exactly what she needed from me.