Write this badly and you too can sell tens of millions of books

[intim8]

Context: a serious, hard-bitten thriller novel from Catherine Coulter, who has sold tens of millions of books, has dozens of NYT bestsellers, and is one of the A-list names in contemporary thrillers.

In this scene, a police detective (~40+M) is meeting two FBI agents and a federal prosecutor (?F) for the first time. After an exchange of a dozen words of introductory smalltalk:

Jeter grinned at this awesome woman. He took her hand, realized he didn't want to let it go. He felt something strange stir down deep, something he hadn't felt for a very long time, not since Judy's death six years ago.

Aside from the cringeworthy writing, the premise here seems to be that in six years since his wife died, he has never found a woman attractive before. Because that is all he has to go on here. Either that, or it is twoo luv at first sight, even though the guy is decades past high school and has presumably seen real boobies before.

It gets worse:

Her eyes were light blue [and] crystal clear [...]. He thought first of an Amazon, then decided she was more of a Valkyrie.

He turned to Agent Griffith Hammersmith He knew to his boots this man was potent with women, was so good-looking even Jeter's sour stiff-necked secretary, Ms. Plimm, had eyed him like a chocolate bar.

And yes, the text is as it appears in the book, with the exception of the substitutions in brackets.

I've found that her books are complete lessons in how not to write. Even on Lit, the descriptions of two people hitting it off are rarely that badly done. This is, among other things, the flip side of "men writing women badly". "Potent"? Really?

Unfortunately, they are also lessons in how to sell a shit ton of books.

 

[Mastered_again]

Thanks for the tip...

 

[intim8]

Thanks for the tip...

If you want another tip, check out Stuart Woods, in the same genre. His recurring MC is named Stone Barrington.

My wife reads all these. She gets them by the grocery bag full and uses them up faster than condoms at a whorehouse. Three or four a week. Some of the authors of these kinds of checkout-counter literature are decent enough. Michael Baldacci, JD Robb, and Karin Slaughter particularly so. Some are inconsistently competent. Then there are these two.

When she's done with them, I'll selectively pick a few to whip through in between the more serious stuff I read.

 

[Bamagan]

I'm generally inclined to attribute the vast discrepancy between success and talent so often observed in life to the possibility that we live in a simulation, and furthermore, to save themselves effort, the programmers of said simulation made heavy use of random number generation in lieu of actual algorithms.

 

[Mastered_again]

If you want another tip, check out Stuart Woods, in the same genre. His recurring MC is named Stone Barrington.

My wife reads all these. She gets them by the grocery bag full and uses them up faster than condoms at a whorehouse. Three or four a week. Some of the authors of these kinds of checkout-counter literature are decent enough. Michael Baldacci, JD Robb, and Karin Slaughter particularly so. Some are inconsistently competent. Then there are these two.

When she's done with them, I'll selectively pick a few to whip through in between the more serious stuff I read.

I'll pass that along to my mister...I'm more of a romance reader, and, trust me, crappy writing is not confined to detective stories.

 

[KeithD]

Now this is something I don't spend ten minutes doing--going after someone else's writing. I don't begrudge the successful marketing of others (and I realize that folks aren't buying celebrity-author books because of the writing). I don't have to buy/read them and I'm not the babysitter or self-chosen savior of those who do. And it's ludicrous to think it would be my books people would buy if they hadn't bought the celebrity-author's book. They aren't taking opportunity money out of my pocket.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Years ago, when I first thought about writing erotica, I picked up a romance novel randomly off of a 'free' table. It was called 'Scruples' by Judith Krantz. It turns out that this particular title was heralded as a steamy hot romance novel that topped the best-seller lists in 1978. It started out okay and I recall actually being impressed with the sex scene in the first chapter. Then came chapter 2, a preposterously long backstory of extremes to explain the thinness (both literarily and physically) of the female lead. I was so glad to finish that chapter, thinking that we'd finally get to some plot. Then chapter 3 was just as long, with the next character, who's backstory was even more eye-rollingly extreme, implausible, thoroughly tedious, and thinner than the paper she was printed on. I wanted to put it down but I'd gotten that far. I figured that I was due some plot. Chapter 4 was all about the male character and as it began to take me down the same excruciating path that I'd just been taken down - twice! I said, "fuck this," put it down and went to the toilet to vomit.

After that painful experience, I knew that I could write circles around at least one romance best selling author.

Judith, if you're reading this, thanks for inspiring me.

 

[intim8]

Now this is something I don't spend ten minutes doing--going after someone else's writing. I don't begrudge the successful marketing of others (and I realize that folks aren't buying celebrity-author books because of the writing). I don't have to buy/read them and I'm not the babysitter or self-chosen savior of those who do. And it's ludicrous to think it would be my books people would buy if they hadn't bought the celebrity-author's book. They aren't taking opportunity money out of my pocket.

Are you actually projecting that kind of naive motivation on this, or just musing on your own thoughts on the matter?

If I have any complaint about this, is that crap like this is marketed alongside work that has some quality to it, and that makes it harder for me to find worthwhile reads. And their success encourages others to mimic it, making it even more difficult for a discerning reader.

Even if I were published, these writers in that genre would not be my competition. It's not a zero-sum game, and even mega-sellers don't individually absorb noticeable fractions of the total market.

The main reason for posting was the humor of how bad writing can be and still sell. And to encourage those of us with doubts about our ability to give it a shot.

 

[KeithD]

Are you actually projecting that kind of naive motivation on this, or just musing on your own thoughts on the matter?

No, I'm calling out childishness and sour grapes on this.

 

[intim8]

No, I'm calling out childishness and sour grapes on this.

"No, I'm doing what you said, but in different words."

 

[Bramblethorn]

Sorry, but..."Griffith Hammersmith"?

 

[Lady2020]

Go after Jayne Ann Krentz.

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

Michael Crichton - not exactly a litterateur of the highest caliber, but he was an imaginative and captivating storyteller that managed very successfully to keep my eyes glued to his words

 

[ztrawberry]

Context: a serious, hard-bitten thriller novel from Catherine Coulter, who has sold tens of millions of books, has dozens of NYT bestsellers, and is one of the A-list names in contemporary thrillers.

In this scene, a police detective (~40+M) is meeting two FBI agents and a federal prosecutor (?F) for the first time. After an exchange of a dozen words of introductory smalltalk:

Aside from the cringeworthy writing, the premise here seems to be that in six years since his wife died, he has never found a woman attractive before. Because that is all he has to go on here. Either that, or it is twoo luv at first sight, even though the guy is decades past high school and has presumably seen real boobies before.

It gets worse:


And yes, the text is as it appears in the book, with the exception of the substitutions in brackets.

I've found that her books are complete lessons in how not to write. Even on Lit, the descriptions of two people hitting it off are rarely that badly done. This is, among other things, the flip side of "men writing women badly". "Potent"? Really?

Unfortunately, they are also lessons in how to sell a shit ton of books.

Hell, I want to be a million seller author lol. Share how to sell tons of shitty books & still remain famous

 

[Agent0069]

Unfortunately, they are also lessons in how to sell a shit ton of books.

An old joke: “How do you get rich? Well, it’s simple: you just have to be passionate, hardworking, and have a lot of money to begin with!”

And so is here: even from Wikipedia, her whole family was in "creative business" plus she was a speechwriter for Wall Street executive. I'm speculating here, but I assume that connections she acquired at that point is what helped her to turn a script into her first three-book contract in just three days.

 

[onehitwanda]

Michael Crichton - not exactly a litterateur of the highest caliber, but he was an imaginative and captivating storyteller that managed very successfully to keep my eyes glued to his words

*cough cough* David Eddings.

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

*cough cough* David Eddings.

And of course there's @onehitwanda who pushes al the right buttons and is criminally underpaid for it

 

[onehitwanda]

And of course there's @onehitwanda who pushes al the right buttons and is criminally underpaid for it

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/48/1a/c9/481ac98126420238e1713ad7b667d0e3.jpg

 

[StillStunned]

An old joke: “How do you get rich? Well, it’s simple: you just have to be passionate, hardworking, and have a lot of money to begin with!”

And so is here: even from Wikipedia, her whole family was in "creative business" plus she was a speechwriter for Wall Street executive. I'm speculating here, but I assume that connections she acquired at that point is what helped her to turn a script into her first three-book contract in just three days.

As frustrating as it might be to those of us who feel our writing is better and more worthy of being read by millions, I can't really see how anyone has been hurt. She makes money, the publishing house makes money, everyone in the value chain makes money. And clearly the readers don't feel that they're being shortchanged, otherwise they wouldn't keep buying the books.

in the end, I suppose even we get something out of it: a sense of smug satisfaction that we could do better.

 

[mildlyaroused]

in the end, I suppose even we get something out of it: a sense of smug satisfaction that we could do better.

We are a grotesque bunch, aren't we?

 

[Bamagan]

As frustrating as it might be to those of us who feel our writing is better and more worthy of being read by millions, I can't really see how anyone has been hurt. She makes money, the publishing house makes money, everyone in the value chain makes money. And clearly the readers don't feel that they're being shortchanged, otherwise they wouldn't keep buying the books.

in the end, I suppose even we get something out of it: a sense of smug satisfaction that we could do better.

It's not so much a matter of being hurt, perhaps, but I can see why it would cause some incredulous, hair-pulling frustration to see lucrative books like that, which have presumably been professionally edited and so forth, and then to come here and find a comment that goes something like 'plot too contrived, characters not believable, 2 stars.'

 

[SimonDoom]

in the end, I suppose even we get something out of it: a sense of smug satisfaction that we could do better.

There's more to it than smugness and sour grapes. I see nothing wrong with critiquing the writing of famous authors. It's useful to dissect and critique writing. And it's not like we're going to hurt their feelings, as we might if we did that with authors here.

One of the best examples in this category has to be E.L. James, the 50 Shades author. Her books are full of examples of "what not to do" in writing prose, but she did it anyway, probably because she didn't know better, and her books were phenomenally successful.

You don't have to be a great stylist to be a successful genre novelist. You have to be good at SOMETHING. Jackie pointed out Crichton, who I agree is a mediocre stylist but whose ideas are enjoyable and played out with meticulous detail. Even E.L. James hit on a winning formula of including elements of BDSM with a classic gothic romance. Successful novelists obviously must have admirable discipline to write and publish so steadily.

 

[WhiteTailDarkTip]

It’s galling to read tripe and know that someone made money out of it, but it’s not worth raising your blood pressure over it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

You don't have to be a great stylist to be a successful genre novelist. You have to be good at SOMETHING. Jackie pointed out Crichton, who I agree is a mediocre stylist but whose ideas are enjoyable and played out with meticulous detail.

And he's got a new novel coming out this year despite having been dead since 2008. That's commitment for you.

I forget what the industry was where I heard it originally, but the line was something like: "Be talented, be easy to work with, meet deadlines. Success in this industry takes any two out of three." Only one of those is visible to the audience.

 

[Bamagan]

And he's got a new novel coming out this year despite having been dead since 2008. That's commitment for you.

I forget what the industry was where I heard it originally, but the line was something like: "Be talented, be easy to work with, meet deadlines. Success in this industry takes any two out of three." Only one of those is visible to the audience.

I guess we'll just have to assume G. R. R. Martin is the first two, then.