Sexless Marriages

[scooterboy62]

Thanks for your input, yes Menopause is hell and for many women seems to stop all sex drive and even make sex painful. As with everything in a relationship, communication is key.

My wife is hopefully through her menopause, last period seven years ago. We're still working on communication, I'm lucky in that she recognises that it is a problem- I want sex, she isn't bothered either way. I'm also lucky in that she is now trying more and she has found that she might not desire it beforehand but she normally enjoys it, she has orgasmed most times recently - which she wasn't before.

As you say, she hadn't realised that it had become such a problem "Was it really that long?" but she has had heart problems as well and neither of us wanted to take risks.

On my side I have being doing my best to understand the changes in her body and hormones and be understanding - she isn't going to instantly turn on and she gets tired alot quicker than she did before - when tired she really doesn't feel like sex. But we have both realised that snuggling up and stroking doesn't have to lead to sex, it can just be stroking each other for the sake of it.

This is a fundamental difference between men and women; women often need to feel wanted to have sex, men kinda need sex to feel wanted.

My wife has come to realise that sometimes deep down (and without meaning to) I equate her not wanting sex with her no longer loving and wanting me. To be honest I'm not sure that I was aware of it at a conscious level, I just worried that she was falling out of love.

Another Hampshire boy, that makes 2 of us.

 

[Olderwiserstillhorny]

I guess I will deal with it accordingly.
Eatin ain't cheatin.

 

[Friedfred]

I guess I will deal with it accordingly.
Eatin ain't cheatin.

Problem is you have to have a friend that will participate

 

[TemptationTango]

My wife decided she didn't want to have sex anymore when she was in her late 30s so for her, it was a conscious decision and not one triggered by the hormonal changes from menopause.

The medical community will readily admit that whatever they think they know about hormones is in it's infancy. They are not always tied to menopause. It's not an excuse, but they are still a major player in sexual need. My wife is flat lined hormone-wise. She knows how much is on the line, acknowledges it, but yet still is unable to respond to me in any sexual way on her own terms.
We talked again last week, and she cried while telling me I was so patient and understanding. I get it now...the whole picture, so that is why I made the decision to have a FWB with zero guilt.
I would like to come back in 100 years and see what we have found out about hormones........I bet it is fascinating.

 

[writerzblok92]

The medical community will readily admit that whatever they think they know about hormones is in it's infancy. They are not always tied to menopause. It's not an excuse, but they are still a major player in sexual need. My wife is flat lined hormone-wise. She knows how much is on the line, acknowledges it, but yet still is unable to respond to me in any sexual way on her own terms.
We talked again last week, and she cried while telling me I was so patient and understanding. I get it now...the whole picture, so that is why I made the decision to have a FWB with zero guilt.
I would like to come back in 100 years and see what we have found out about hormones........I bet it is fascinating.

I wish I would be able to get permission to have a FWB from her but she made it clear that because she can go without sex, I should be fine with it as well. She basically decided that our sex life was over and I wasn't consulted about it. She went on to say that trying to convince her to have sex would be making her do something she didn't want to do so I took that as a threat.

 

[Britva415]

she made it clear that because she can go without sex, I should be fine with it as well

That is horribly manipulative. I hope you fight her about how selfish and unrealistic it is.

“You can live without sex because you don’t want it, you witch!”

Either that or do what you want without consulting her. She doesn’t have the right to just end your sex life.

She does have the right to end your marriage if you seek sex elsewhere, but … maybe just don’t get caught or force her to figure it out.

Me, I would have left if my wife had insisted on no sex AND on sexual fidelity too. But I did get permission, so, the marriage is saved.

I wouldn’t have left over the sex. I would have left over the unreasonable treatment and expectations.

Hypothetically:
“I can’t stand the thought of you with someone else, I can’t allow it because it would destroy the marriage.”
“Guess what, it’s already over.”

 

[TemptationTango]

That is horribly manipulative. I hope you fight her about how selfish and unrealistic it is.

“You can live without sex because you don’t want it, you witch!”

Either that or do what you want without consulting her. She doesn’t have the right to just end your sex life.

She does have the right to end your marriage if you seek sex elsewhere, but … maybe just don’t get caught or force her to figure it out.

Me, I would have left if my wife had insisted on no sex AND on sexual fidelity too. But I did get permission, so, the marriage is saved.

I wouldn’t have left over the sex. I would have left over the unreasonable treatment and expectations.

Hypothetically:
“I can’t stand the thought of you with someone else, I can’t allow it because it would destroy the marriage.”
“Guess what, it’s already over.”

Well said...my thoughts exactly.

 

[MsSuckMyLollipop]

I wish I would be able to get permission to have a FWB from her but she made it clear that because she can go without sex, I should be fine with it as well. She basically decided that our sex life was over and I wasn't consulted about it.

Either that or do what you want without consulting her. She doesn’t have the right to just end your sex life.

She does have the right to end your marriage if you seek sex elsewhere, but … maybe just don’t get caught or force her to figure it out.

Me, I would have left if my wife had insisted on no sex AND on sexual fidelity too. But I did get permission, so, the marriage is saved.

I wouldn’t have left over the sex. I would have left over the unreasonable treatment and expectations.

Hypothetically:
“I can’t stand the thought of you with someone else, I can’t allow it because it would destroy the marriage.”
“Guess what, it’s already over.”

The bolded parts - right there....sum it all up perfectly...the idea that just because ONE partner can't/won't/whatever have sex with the person they have chosen to be with for life...means the other partner goes without? Why risk 'destroying the marriage' as @Britva415 said..by YOUR OWN CHOICE

We, as humans, aren't meant to go without affection, without satisfying sexual desire (don't get me started on priests in the Catholic Church...my childhood priest was a convicted pedophile who molested kids that I knew, maybe if he'd had a wife to bang, he wouldn't have sought to satisfy that need with little kids)....so why is this such a difficult conversation with the person who has sworn to love you for eternity?

As I said in another post, I wish we could all have 'that discussion'...but I understand that there are lots of fragile egos out there and if the partner's fear is that you will 'fall in love with your FWB'....or transfer some amount of affection to them, then no amount of discussion will allay those fears. *To clarify the 'affection' aspect - to me, being friends and even further, friends who care about each other is important. I'm interested in having a FRIEND first...then we can talk about benefits. Love you as a lover is good enough for me.

And truly, if you were to 'fall in love' with that other person..then your marriage was over long before you started fucking someone else.

 

[Britva415]

don't get me started on priests in the Catholic Church...my childhood priest was a convicted pedophile who molested kids that I knew, maybe if he'd had a wife to bang, he wouldn't have sought to satisfy that need with little kids

By that logic, men in this thread are likely to molest kids. And so would their wives. Smarten up.

 

[overwatcher]

By that logic, men in this thread are likely to molest kids. And so would their wives. Smarten up.

​

I don't think that is what MsLollipop is meaning (I could be wrong). In Australasia where I'm from a frighteningly large number of clergymen from various denominations have been or are being or have still to be convicted of paedophilia, child molestation and abuse. Events going back over fifty to eighty years (Some cases were settled thirty years ago and don't think it started then. It didn't, at least not here it didn't)

In the day many of these 'religious institution's' became trusted bastions of care and protection for children, young unmarried mothers and orphans, not only by their people but also consecutive governments and government run child welfare authority's.

As the wrongs have been righted albeit nowhere near as good or as fast as what it should the churches have relinquished the rules on no marriage or partnerships for their ministers and clergyman.

Without stating the fact specifically some religions have acknowledged that being forced to live in a loveless or caring, single relationship while doing God's work probably isn't very healthy.

No need to recognise there are a few churches that won't acknowledge the problem, dismiss it and would prefer it would just all go away.

This of course does not cover the other school of thought that has come to light over here and that is that the clergy attracts men with leanings of paedophilia, molestation and abuse.

To add to this situation 'down under' there now accusations and cases being bought against religious institutions run by nuns.

 

[Britva415]

I don't think that is what MsLollipop is meaning (I could be wrong).

They came right out and said "celibacy leads to abuse." I don't know another meaning.

 

[TemptationTango]

So if my wife said, "I don't like Key Lime pie, so you can never have it either"

We all agree that's ridiculous right?

"But sex is different...."

Is It?

Think about it

 

[MsSuckMyLollipop]

​

I don't think that is what MsLollipop is meaning (I could be wrong). In Australasia where I'm from a frighteningly large number of clergymen from various denominations have been or are being or have still to be convicted of paedophilia, child molestation and abuse. Events going back over fifty to eighty years (Some cases were settled thirty years ago and don't think it started then. It didn't, at least not here it didn't)

In the day many of these 'religious institution's' became trusted bastions of care and protection for children, young unmarried mothers and orphans, not only by their people but also consecutive governments and government run child welfare authority's.

As the wrongs have been righted albeit nowhere near as good or as fast as what it should the churches have relinquished the rules on no marriage or partnerships for their ministers and clergyman.

Without stating the fact specifically some religions have acknowledged that being forced to live in a loveless or caring, single relationship while doing God's work probably isn't very healthy.

No need to recognise there are a few churches that won't acknowledge the problem, dismiss it and would prefer it would just all go away.

This of course does not cover the other school of thought that has come to light over here and that is that the clergy attracts men with leanings of paedophilia, molestation and abuse.

To add to this situation 'down under' there now accusations and cases being bought against religious institutions run by nuns.

You're not wrong, and thank you for understanding my point, instead of a knee-jerk reaction comparing women who haven't had intercourse with their husbands to my point about pedophile and also sexually abusive priests...and insulting my intelligence at the same time.

I'm not surprised that it's so widespread - it ties completely into the concept that ANY sexual discussion should be either taboo or avoided, even between married/consenting adults...having yourger ADULT kids, I think they 'get' it more than my generation did/does...they're far more free when talking about friends who have 'open marriages' or relationships..so perhaps eventually it won't be such a secret.

I have some further points that I'd love to make and clarifications..but I don't want this post to turn into a debate, so I'll leave it there...and make some plans to get together with my FWB....for....yeah, legal, adult sex.

 

[LustyScribe]

So if my wife said, "I don't like Key Lime pie, so you can never have it either"

We all agree that's ridiculous right?

"But sex is different...."

Is It?

Think about it

My thought EXACTLY.

 

[Kioti3510]

I might have a different perspective on this topic than many. My first wife decided that she had virtually no interest in sex and that was that. Sex, very vanilla sex, maybe every several months. Until the first time I said I wanted a divorce then she became a sexual dynamo, orgasming like crazy, so wet at times she would soak her clothes and mine before we even got undressed. Then when I said okay let's give it another try the switch flipped off again. Look, I'm not a selfish lover in the least, in fact I prefer to make my partner cum as much possible before I even think about cumming. Finally it was just enough and I found a side piece. She treated me very well, was attentive to my needs as I was to hers and it hit me I don't have to live the life I was anymore. I asked for a divorce and moved on. My then side piece and I did not last as she pushed for me to marry her. Understanding it was quite impossible as I was still married and so was she. Add to that coming out of a long term marriage that ended badly the last thing I wanted was to get married right away again.

So as time went on I met a lady here on Lit, we hit it off and started seeing each other, at first it wasn't really supposed to be anything but fun and sex, but after a while we both wanted more. After about a year or so she moved in with me during a bout with cancer. We worked together to nurse her back to health. We had a VERY active sex life. Then like all good things it was wrecked by diabetes and the accompanying ED. At first meds worked, but even they failed me. I started going to a clinic that specializes in ED treatment and tried more meds and even shots right into my penis and in the end nothing really worked. I'm now looking into a penile implant because I am not ready to be done with sex by any stretch. I do not like the term sexless marriage in our case as there was sex, attempts at intercourse when there was some success with treatment, and me giving her the best oral sex possible once that was done. We have an intercourseless marriage but not a sexless one. She has clearly stated to me that oral sex and even using toys was, and is, not as satisfying as actual sex. I'm not stupid, I see that. But my choices are right now oral sex and toys or no sex with my wife at all.

So to summarize wife number one cut me off and there was no negotiating, just done. Second wife has been understanding but when the ED first hit hard some years ago I told her to go find a cock, and now that the only hope is surgery so talked it through again and she has her playmates. Let's be honest it was not easy discussions, but in the end I knew what was right. She loves me and I love her and if this keeps us together then it's all good. Even if the surgery works I would not ask her to give up her sex life. Well, LOL, as long as I am in the rotation!!

 

[ppete3]

I might have a different perspective on this topic than many. My first wife decided that she had virtually no interest in sex and that was that. Sex, very vanilla sex, maybe every several months. Until the first time I said I wanted a divorce then she became a sexual dynamo, orgasming like crazy, so wet at times she would soak her clothes and mine before we even got undressed. Then when I said okay let's give it another try the switch flipped off again. Look, I'm not a selfish lover in the least, in fact I prefer to make my partner cum as much possible before I even think about cumming. Finally it was just enough and I found a side piece. She treated me very well, was attentive to my needs as I was to hers and it hit me I don't have to live the life I was anymore. I asked for a divorce and moved on. My then side piece and I did not last as she pushed for me to marry her. Understanding it was quite impossible as I was still married and so was she. Add to that coming out of a long term marriage that ended badly the last thing I wanted was to get married right away again.

So as time went on I met a lady here on Lit, we hit it off and started seeing each other, at first it wasn't really supposed to be anything but fun and sex, but after a while we both wanted more. After about a year or so she moved in with me during a bout with cancer. We worked together to nurse her back to health. We had a VERY active sex life. Then like all good things it was wrecked by diabetes and the accompanying ED. At first meds worked, but even they failed me. I started going to a clinic that specializes in ED treatment and tried more meds and even shots right into my penis and in the end nothing really worked. I'm now looking into a penile implant because I am not ready to be done with sex by any stretch. I do not like the term sexless marriage in our case as there was sex, attempts at intercourse when there was some success with treatment, and me giving her the best oral sex possible once that was done. We have an intercourseless marriage but not a sexless one. She has clearly stated to me that oral sex and even using toys was, and is, not as satisfying as actual sex. I'm not stupid, I see that. But my choices are right now oral sex and toys or no sex with my wife at all.

So to summarize wife number one cut me off and there was no negotiating, just done. Second wife has been understanding but when the ED first hit hard some years ago I told her to go find a cock, and now that the only hope is surgery so talked it through again and she has her playmates. Let's be honest it was not easy discussions, but in the end I knew what was right. She loves me and I love her and if this keeps us together then it's all good. Even if the surgery works I would not ask her to give up her sex life. Well, LOL, as long as I am in the rotation!!

I wish more people could approach their sex lives like you and your current wife. Ego gets in the way too often.

 

[LeeKee]

That is horribly manipulative. I hope you fight her about how selfish and unrealistic it is.

“You can live without sex because you don’t want it, you witch!”

Either that or do what you want without consulting her. She doesn’t have the right to just end your sex life.

She does have the right to end your marriage if you seek sex elsewhere, but … maybe just don’t get caught or force her to figure it out.

Me, I would have left if my wife had insisted on no sex AND on sexual fidelity too. But I did get permission, so, the marriage is saved.

I wouldn’t have left over the sex. I would have left over the unreasonable treatment and expectations.

Hypothetically:
“I can’t stand the thought of you with someone else, I can’t allow it because it would destroy the marriage.”
“Guess what, it’s already over.”

This is the torment that a living hell is made of. I am in seemingly similar situation. No sex. I ask wife why is she ok with no sex. She says she isn't. I say ok then, what's up? Then goes into her circle of lame ass responses. "Whats up with what?" Or "what's YOUR issue?" Me: fact you are content without sex. Her: no I'm not. Me: ok then, again, so what is the issue? Her: what issue?

Fuck her. She has said all but out admitting she is in a relationship with her boss, who will retire his position and rehire on under her. Isn't that amazing? And his wife is never in country, ever, how convenient. My wife was so excited to say that he is retiring but not leaving. And will be under her. I met him once a year ago. And knew.

so now I'm reduced to "pity" blow job 3 or 4 months apart (not great either) just subdue suspicions. Called he out on "don't 'cheat' on your boyfriend, now" and she basically acknowledged it.

Ok so all that laid out. And I'm supposed to stay here? Yup. "For the children", ya know. And no bad optics for her and her family won't see her in any negative light. That's the big one right there. I expose her and her family will make her life rough. Her high standing in her family will be devastated. Wonder if she expected whomsoever to marry her to put up with this shit.
However, if she weren't so coy and immature about it and fessed up, and stop insulting my intelligence, and just admit it. I'd be a bit better for it and maybe work something out.

Until then, I resent her ass.

 

[LustyScribe]

This is the torment that a living hell is made of. I am in seemingly similar situation. No sex. I ask wife why is she ok with no sex. She says she isn't. I say ok then, what's up? Then goes into her circle of lame ass responses. "Whats up with what?" Or "what's YOUR issue?" Me: fact you are content without sex. Her: no I'm not. Me: ok then, again, so what is the issue? Her: what issue?

Fuck her. She has said all but out admitting she is in a relationship with her boss, who will retire his position and rehire on under her. Isn't that amazing? And his wife is never in country, ever, how convenient. My wife was so excited to say that he is retiring but not leaving. And will be under her. I met him once a year ago. And knew.

so now I'm reduced to "pity" blow job 3 or 4 months apart (not great either) just subdue suspicions. Called he out on "don't 'cheat' on your boyfriend, now" and she basically acknowledged it.

Ok so all that laid out. And I'm supposed to stay here? Yup. "For the children", ya know. And no bad optics for her and her family won't see her in any negative light. That's the big one right there. I expose her and her family will make her life rough. Her high standing in her family will be devastated. Wonder if she expected whomsoever to marry her to put up with this shit.
However, if she weren't so coy and immature about it and fessed up, and stop insulting my intelligence, and just admit it. I'd be a bit better for it and maybe work something out.

Until then, I resent her ass.

Gets me pissed off all over again just reading this. What a selfish, smug, callous bitch. Hits close to home, too: The cavalier disregard for a spouse's well being just screams that the love is strictly one-way to me. I can't and would never criticize your choice to stay. I haven't left mine in spite of all this, so it would be highly hypocritical of me. I DO hope you find a way to shake her up or shake her off. One way or the other, I hope you find "right" again.

 

[LeeKee]

Gets me pissed off all over again just reading this. What a selfish, smug, callous bitch. Hits close to home, too: The cavalier disregard for a spouse's well being just screams that the love is strictly one-way to me. I can't and would never criticize your choice to stay. I haven't left mine in spite of all this, so it would be highly hypocritical of me. I DO hope you find a way to shake her up or shake her off. One way or the other, I hope you find "right" again.

Thank you. But honestly I have given up. I stay because I have 2 kids grown and out of the house, 2 to go. She's pretty much got her way. We are in a sort of stand off. I am trying to burn off what nerve ending I have left surrounding any feelings I had for her to numbness and trying to disregard any regrowth. 20+ years and this is how it turned out. Nothing more than the butler. Even my kids see it now. It's pathetic but she out maneuvered me when I didn't expect it. Now we are both in this but she at least gets to have her boss / bf. If I got anything she'd file and have my retirement for life. Again, replacing love with resentment is painful. But I have to stop caring in self reservations sake. But careful not to hate. It's a tight wire act.

 

[Deeksafreek]

A friend once told me, "I am my own best lover.", and I took that to heart when I found myself in the same situation. But...

 

[ppete3]

A friend once told me, "I am my own best lover.", and I took that to heart when I found myself in the same situation. But...

What conclusions did you draw from your friend's statement?

 

[MakeMeWetAF]

This is the torment that a living hell is made of. I am in seemingly similar situation. No sex. I ask wife why is she ok with no sex. She says she isn't. I say ok then, what's up? Then goes into her circle of lame ass responses. "Whats up with what?" Or "what's YOUR issue?" Me: fact you are content without sex. Her: no I'm not. Me: ok then, again, so what is the issue? Her: what issue?

Fuck her. She has said all but out admitting she is in a relationship with her boss, who will retire his position and rehire on under her. Isn't that amazing? And his wife is never in country, ever, how convenient. My wife was so excited to say that he is retiring but not leaving. And will be under her. I met him once a year ago. And knew.

so now I'm reduced to "pity" blow job 3 or 4 months apart (not great either) just subdue suspicions. Called he out on "don't 'cheat' on your boyfriend, now" and she basically acknowledged it.

Ok so all that laid out. And I'm supposed to stay here? Yup. "For the children", ya know. And no bad optics for her and her family won't see her in any negative light. That's the big one right there. I expose her and her family will make her life rough. Her high standing in her family will be devastated. Wonder if she expected whomsoever to marry her to put up with this shit.
However, if she weren't so coy and immature about it and fessed up, and stop insulting my intelligence, and just admit it. I'd be a bit better for it and maybe work something out.

Until then, I resent her ass.

 

[MakeMeWetAF]

That's horrendous and I'm so sorry to read of this situation. You deserve 100 x better than that and I think you know it.

I can understand the selfless, well-intentioned choice to stay "for the sake of the kids". It would be a very tough thing to weigh up in that sense and I am relieved I've never been in that position. In saying that, if I WAS I can tell you now that I would choose to LEAVE and take the kids with me for their benefit and mine!

I have seen many kids who have grown up in these very tense and toxic households who go on to be extremely disillusioned, guarded adults. Worse still, they go into the world with NIL understanding of what a happy, healthy and respectful relationship looks like. And so the domino effect of human misery and generational trauma continues. They either end up in a terrible loveless "situation" themselves OR choose to be alone for the rest of their lives because they perceive that as the best (or should I say SAFEST?) way to live.

I note the above because it seems the initial adjustment that would go with leaving FOR the sake of the kids (taking them with you into the sunset) seems well worth it. It absolutely appears THE kindest and healthiest choice all around if in the position to do that. They also get to see a parent demonstrate what real self-respect and high standards looks like. That if anyone treats you like shit you DO NOT have to stick around and eat it. These are life lessons that will serve them well with all relationships, social and work connections as well. It shows that you will give yourself the physical and mental space to explore healthy human connection if you unshackle yourself and DITCH THE BITCH or CAN THE MAN I recognise it's a big decision to make but your time and life and those of your kids is literally the most precious thing you've got. It's not something to be frittered away on some nightmare of a "relationship"...leave those sacrificial fetishes for those who enjoy a good Stephen King I say! Fuck that shit and give yourself the best opportunity to discover and enjoy a healthy relationship because THAT IS YOUR RIGHT and the same goes for your kids...

Trust me. You know why I have been enjoying VERY healthy, happy, mutually respectful, communicative and EXTREMELY mind blowing sex life for the past several years? It's because I finally made the initially frightening decision to choose myself after giving EVERY opportunity for my former marriage to improve and it all remained one way. I was the main breadwinner in a high level job working very hours as well being the chef, the cleaner, the gardener, the grocery shopper AND the bed warmer (but he finally lost THAT privilege in the last few years of our marriage after he monumentally letting me down following a major accident I was in. He showed no concern for me even on the day of the accident but also throughout my rehabilitation). I chose the highway and I am SUPER PROUD that I did! The first thing I did was book myself a 6 week solo trip through Europe (not a set tour - just exploring as I pleased). It was the most exhilirating and empowering experience to do this on my own. Not once did I feel lonely. I was relishing my freedom, my own company and enjoyed meeting fellow travellers. When I got back I sold our house (which I loved) myself (not through an agent). Split most things 50/50 and waved goodbye. Adios Amigos...I'm onto better things ....

And here I am...ENJOYING THE BEST. I fucking love and respect my man to bits and WE FUCK and make love frequently. We also love our solo sexy time as well watching eachother masturbate. It's bloody beautiful to be enjoying all forms of intimacy as we do.

We may have our moments where we piss eachother off but these are few and far between and generally fully resolved very quickly. Good communication is key to that. We are both open to hearing and discussing and gaining an understanding of eachother's perspective and vulnerabilities.

Just do yourself a favour and give yourself the gift of self respect and the chance to find and experience REAL love and physical and emotional intimacy. The complete package. Not some steaming pile of crud.

Did I mention we FUCK...A LOT?

 

[Tonguetoride1]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

Its going on 11 yrs for me very frustrating and I live out in the country so it is very hard finding a woman to play with

 

[LustyScribe]

So, a little hope for someone out there, at least I hope so...
I've been on this thread for quite a while. I think it was one of the first I followed. During that time, I've been to the depths of depression and anger. I've resented her deeply for the rejection, hated myself for apparently being SO undesirable, and, to be honest, bounced between leaving her and, at times, even suicidal depression. It's been rough. We're down to 1 kid left at home, and my intention was to end up alone and miserable but single.

Then, about 3 months ago, I decided to take one last stab at turning things around. I asked hard questions, refused the lies, and demanded communication. I told her that I had to get answers. She asked if I wanted a divorce, but I just in turn asked why she wouldn't answer MY question, which was "Do you want just a platonic marriage? Is that what you want?"

Due partially to "life stuff," it took a couple of weeks to get back around on topic. During that time, I pulled back all physical touch and affection. No spontaneous massage,no touches, none of the one-sided communication of love I normally pour out because touch is my love language. No words of affirmation, no gifts, no acts of service, which are her languages.

At first she didn't register it, but then she did. When we finally had the second conversation, she seemed more responsive. I'm a linguist, and I love languages. I speak a few other languages besides English. I explained my feelings this way:
"What if one day I came home & just stopped speaking English to you?" (She's monolingual) "You'd know I'm capable of speaking language you understand, but that I'd suddenly just decided not to. How would that make you feel? Because that's what you've done to ME."

It hasn't become a wall-to-wall fuckfest, she still hasn't tickled my ass with a whole chicken, and the $7,000 worth of sex toys are still waiting patiently in my Amazon cart, BUT... We've had sex 3 times in the last 2 months, and we're finally having honest discussions about sex. That's 3 times as much sex as we had in 2023, and it's been better sex. All this after 39+ years of marriage. So hopefully this is encouraging for someone. And if anybody has a discreet chicken I can borrow next weekend...