Great post makes a complete stranger want to give you a big hug. Happy new year and yes small kids are exhausting, but enjoy it. We’re at the point where we have to wake them up.Happy New Year pervs
I hope your holidays treated you well. Mine were a mixed bag full of a lot of emotions. Overall, I had a lovely time. I've moved through a boatload of grief over the past few weeks and whilst it's been nice to be around people I love, it has also been utterly exhausting. Having young kids means there's a baseline of excitement in the house that accompanies Solstice and Christmas. There's so much joy and delight that comes with that territory. It drains me, though. The amount of relief I felt once I took my Christmas decorations down was incredible. I'm glad it's over.
I decided to go spend a long weekend with Ranger Boy this past weekend and rang in the New Year with the closest thing I have to my family of origin this side of the equator. I was terrified as I left, unsure of what would be expected of me and what I actually wanted. All I knew is I needed space and Ranger Boy is a safe space to exist alongside, so off I went. Spending time with him was exactly what I needed. I fell completely apart and he helped me start putting myself back together. He took such good care of me. We watched terrible movies, went to IKEA, ate some great food, hiked a few trails and saw some waterfalls and we even got to chat with each other's parents (that was cool. We were fixtures in each other's lives many moons ago and his parents were a big part of my life and vice versa). I left him calm and ready to move through the next phase of my marriage.
I've been learning a shit ton about myself throughout this journey and the events of the last week are really bringing some things into focus for me. They're not good, they're not bad, they just are.
I got married young. For my day, anyways. I was in my early twenties and was the first in my peer group for a long time. Although I went to Catholic school and was told I was raised Catholic, I realize now that religion was not a huge part of my life (Even though I wanted to be a nun, lol). I was raised by a sex positive mother and although I didn't quite understand her insistence on finding pleasure in sex, too, I do now. Mr. Aussie's family = super religious. It was a culture shock to navigate, especially sexually, and once the initial excitement of our relationship started to fade, I struggled with my sexuality and how to connect. That's actually how I first ended up on lit. I was searching for ways to tap in to my desire in order to build a sexual connection within my marriage. I was very sexual before and I think the religious peer pressure had no small part in my struggles.
Knowing what I know now, I can see how I slowly and subtly abandoned core parts of my sexual identity. Sometimes because I chose to, but often because I was centering Mr. Aussie's comfort. That's how I knew how to love. Things I'd do or say would trigger a negative response and so I'd shut that part of me down in order to keep the peace. Not an ideal strategy if I say so myself.
That's starting to shift within me.
I'm moving into a deep embrace of myself right now. I'm keeping others in regard and honoring my needs and meeting them where I can. I'm allowing myself to receive love (something I really struggle with) and just being in as many moments as I can as I move through this all. My capacity to allow big feelings in people without the need to control them has grown and as a result, so have I.
so a careless remark landed me 9000 miles from home). Before I left, my mum gave me permission to stay, even if things got bad at home. It was her desire that I get the most out of every experience that I could and even if there was a death in the family, it was ok to remain in country and not worry about coming back for a funeral. She encouraged me to immerse myself fully and that mindset stuck with me. It was a constant practice to just "be" and I borrowed the mantra of my best friend of the time; It's not good, it's not bad, it's just different.
100 percent
Good for you, I think it’s just natural and confidence and prior experiences make a big impact. I see it happen both ways, sometimes people are set with what they think they like and don’t like and become intransigent others start to realize life is too short and why not try new things. In either case you’re an evolving person and seem to be enjoying yourself
Thanks.
and face slapped. Literally 
Oi, @Lord Pmann
Guess who not only gave a blowjob, but actually got complimented on it? I had, dare I say it? Fun
My boobs are significantly smaller
Not this time. But I was prepared to if it came to that.
Glad you’re prioritizing your mental health.Holy suffering duck shit it's been a minute.
I got myself an office. It's amazing and I'm so in love with the space. It has big, bright windows and is just delightful to exist in. I find myself wanting to get up and go work. It's really helping me find my joy again.
Moving out of my home office means Mr. Aussie will now have his own bedroom. He's spends a few nights a week at The Montessori's which takes a huge toll, so having the option to have the both of them here will help out from a logistics standpoint.
It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks emotionally.
The hurt and associated feelings with the change of our relationship has been tense at times. I've been in some pretty deep grief and that has not been easy for either of us here in The Aussie household. I've got myself an individual therapist who is really helping me right now. I'm pretty freaking grateful for that. It's helping me let go of some of hard stuff that is getting in the way of me being the person I need to be right now. I need that, because I'm freaking exhausted.
Things with The Librarian are still lovely. I care about him deeply and I feel that reciprocated. Again, grateful.
Why is that an inherent power imbalance, it seems asking for approval would be the respectful thing to do?
It seems that way on the surface, yes.
Glad things are moving along in fashion that pleases.
