Is "mid-life crisis" a male thing?

[nice90sguy]

I had one, and so did a lot of my male friends.
But I'm damned if I can think of any women who've had one.
What makes it such a male thing?

 

[AchtungNight]

Women probably don’t use those words to describe their feelings as often. My sister who has always been a free spirit is currently trying to balance that with raising three kids. It could be called a midlife crisis but I wouldn’t expect her to use those exact words.

 

[samhasstories]

At the risk of gross oversimplification/generalization, I would say men are more prone to self indulgence. The existential discomfort that comes with aging affects everyone, I think. But women (again, in general) tend to be better at keeping their shit together.

A lot of that probably stems from societal pressure: we get the "boys will be boys" treatment, but if a mother of three fucks off on a cross-country motorcycle trip to reclaim their waning youth, people tend to get judgy.

 

[ronde]

I had one, and so did a lot of my male friends.
But I'm damned if I can think of any women who've had one.
What makes it such a male thing?

I don't think it's an exclusively male thing. It's just that men and women express the feeling in different ways and it also depends upon the feeling. At the risk of turning this thread into a discussion of how men and women differ, in general, men are more aggressive than women and so express those feelings more openly.

Both have the feeling brought on by the realization that they've lived about half their expected life. With men, the reaction will probably be trying to prove they're still a young man. The guy might trade his comfortable sedan in for a Corvette or a Mustang to show that. He might shave his head to hide his bald spot and start hanging around with young girls at his favorite bar.

Women are reminded about their age where it hurts them the most - with their appearance and the erroneous thought that since they're past the time or nearly past the time of bearing children, they're no longer attractive to men. Because women tend to be more reserved, a lot of the reaction will be confined to their thoughts instead of actions. I've known several though who reacted by dressing in more revealing clothing and flirting with co-workers.

If we're talking about sex, most women risk a lot more social capital if they begin dabbling in the pool of available men than men do with other women. In much of our society, men who sleep around are pretty much considered to be doing what men do. If the women he sleeps with are younger, the guy might even be admired by other men. A woman who sleeps around is a tramp to both men and women. If her partners are much younger, she's a "cougar".

 

[Rob_Royale]

I can't say that I had one but I had a rather significant life change (for the better) at 49, so that might account for it. I'm 55 now and doing fine.

 

[nice90sguy]

Hmm, not so sure about the answers so far.

By "Mid-life crisis" I mean a crisis in its literal sense, standing at a crossroads, where your life may, or may not, take a differnt route. Summed up perfectly by Talking Heads "Once in a Lifetime".

So it's less to me of an emotional thing, than a life-choice decision thing.

 

[genzsub]

Admittedly, I'm not there yet, but I think it's in the same vain as Bruce Banner's line in The Avengers when someone tells him to get angry and he answers something like, "I'm always angry."

We are too busy constantly having crises to single out a mid-life one. Don't get fat, exercise, raise three kids, keep the house clean, hold down a job, go on this new diet, drive kids around to all their events, keep your partner happy (everywhere), watch out for pervs online and off, etc.

I know guys have their own stressors that are just as bad, just different. On average (emphasis on that, please, not a generalization), we are too busy handling other peoples' crises to have any energy left for our own existential one.

While there is truth in this, it is mostly tongue-in-cheek, so please don't flame me.

 

[nice90sguy]

I don't think it's tongue-in-cheek at all, it's a good explanation. I guess a lot of women don't have the luxury of having a mid-life crisis.
And this sort of thing mostly happens to guys who get married and have kids, maybe quite young, and then the kids grow up, and then, if the guy is the traditional bread-winner, the wind goes out of the sails a bit.

 

[Omenainen]

Ah, for fuck’s sake. Midlife crisis definitely isn’t “a male thing”. Do you guys not know any middle-aged women? Because this sure sounds like that.

 

[nice90sguy]

"You guys?"

 

[Omenainen]

"You guys?"

I’ve understood this is a gender neutral expression.

 

[NotWise]

I’ve understood this is a gender neutral expression.

I use it that way.

 

[Omenainen]

Oh right, I think misunderstood the “you guys” part. I think you were referring to how you had one (assuming you’re a woman?).

Still, all this sounds way more like “I don’t know people well enough for them to tell me about their midlife crisis” than any proof of how prevalent that is.

 

[nice90sguy]

Really important not to generalise. And note carefeully that I put "mid life crisis" in quotes in the title. I'm not talking about people, I'm talking about the idea of "mid life crisis". I know plenty of women who've changed their lives during middle-age (both my previous and current wife did, significantly). But neither of them would ever say they had a "mid-life crisis".

 

[Omenainen]

Well, if we define “mid-life crisis” as starting to hit on uncomfortably young girls and driving a motorcycle across the continent, then yeah, it probably is a “straight male thing”.

 

[Devinter]

Ah, for fuck’s sake. Midlife crisis definitely isn’t “a male thing”. Do you guys not know any middle-aged women? Because this sure sounds like that.

You are absolutely correct.

I work in the mental health field. The most common type of 'client' is a woman in her late 30's or early 40's who's kids have now grown up and that is deeply concerned about her good looks slowly fading away - their words, not mine. The result is them trying to find themselves again, as well as reinvent part of who they are in the process. Of course, we have men coming in as well, but far fewer - maybe because they deal with their crisis in a more "let's buy an expensive car" sort of way, instead of seeking professional help.

 

[Deleted member 6666935]

I always find the idea of a midlife crisis interesting, because at 61, I don’t think I got a chance to have one because I’ve had so many other crises come up through my adult life, from losing jobs to my first wife passing away and so on, where I’ve had to keep starting over… I’m not even sure around what age it is supposedly happening at, to be honest. Maybe I’m having mine late?

 

[lovecraft68]

You can never say all, just like you can never say none, but its pretty much a guy thing, but its not always as cliched as turning 45 and buying the sports car or stepping out on the wife with a twenty year old. There's lot more simple signs of it.

Women, on the other hand get an actual mid(or so) crisis known as menopause or 'the change' but you know, the guys think they have it rough when they get older.

 

[countdowntolov3]

In my head "empty nest syndrome" and "midlife crisis" have always been the female and male sides of the same coin.

Obviously "empty nest" is stereotypical of the traditional homemaker path through life. But I think these colloquialisms naturally confirm to such things. A pattern I've definitely seen a few times is that a wife rolls her eyes through her husband's "crisis" around when their kids are just starting school, and then 10 years later, once they're really out of the house, she says, "Okay, it's my turn to follow my dreams now."

 

[yowser]

The full research is beyond me (or my patience anyway) and I thought I would see how many titles showed up with a 'Mid-life crisis' search (3932).

So, just a sample, but of the first 50 titles displayed, at least 12 were female-centric (probably more since I was just going on title or description or category (lesbian) facets.)

I suspect that for a huge percentage of humans, getting to that mid-life phase means all manner of reflections take place, and that sexual ones come up fairly prominently (at the very least, all those forks in the road where maybe you took the wrong turn? Or wondered, at least, about the other choice you declined to make at that time?)

I've written one series, it is clear there are plenty out there. Seems like a promising arena to explore (maybe a good Pink Orchid offering?)

 

[nice90sguy]

To be clear, my "mid-life crisis" was entirely, as the Talking Heads described so beautifully, about my identity, not about sex, or menopause, or children growing up. It was triggered by the death of my father, and related to my place in society, family, and work.

I can't believe the high emotions this has rendered, with people wanting to "own" mid-life crises, as though it's mysoginistic or somehow callous to make this observation. And it's an observation based on really knowing, and experiencing, what happens during one.

What I DO think it that mid-life crisis is a luxury that few can afford (literally). I doubt that many people who are too involved with the daily fire-fighting of coping with life would have one. It comes precisely at a time when stresses are actually lowered (i.e. after your kids take up less of your time, and when you can make work/familiy choices).

 

[HordHolm]

Hmm, not so sure about the answers so far.

By "Mid-life crisis" I mean a crisis in its literal sense, standing at a crossroads, where your life may, or may not, take a differnt route. Summed up perfectly by Talking Heads "Once in a Lifetime".

So it's less to me of an emotional thing, than a life-choice decision thing.

I've had a couple of students (teaching English as a second language) who've reached late 40s, the kids hitting University, and suddenly deciding the ostensibly happy marriage they've been in for 20+ years is no longer satisfying. And they've sped off into another part of the country, another partner, another career. With both of them the change seemed to come from nowhere so perhaps that qualifies.

EDIT: not clear on reading it back - these two students were women.

 

[MillieDynamite]

I'll let you know when I get there, or you can ask @theWolstonecraftWoman. She's knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door.

 

[AchtungNight]

I'll let you know when I get there, or you can ask @theWolstonecraftWoman. She's knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door.

I am knocking on that door too. For some reason the angels aren’t answering. :sigh:

You think the other place will be more accessible? Should I see if I like it better? Probably won’t, but you never know. ;D

 

[MillieDynamite]

Here's a little hint: Mary has her 49th birthday coming shortly after the new year.

I am knocking on that door too. For some reason the angels aren’t answering. :sigh:

You think the other place will be more accessible? Should I see if I like it better? Probably won’t, but you never know. ;D