Am I asking too much?

[Mo_Bandy]

Seems like you have high hopes and good for you. Just curious about your comment ‘Has a career at least equal to mine.’ How is that measured?

Also no offense but Morgan Wallen? Isn’t he a dumb racist? His best song is a Jason Isbell cover. Sorry.

 

[curvyjae]

Side note - half of this is irrelevant now. #single

 

[stressedsubject]

Side note - half of this is irrelevant now. #single

Regardless after just reading all of that... It's not too much to know what you want. You know and value your worth and you're time why waste on something or someone that doesn't completely sweep you off your feet. Will it be hard to find someone who checks every box you'd like... sure. But, good things shouldn't come easy and are worth the wait.

 

[caitiff1969]

Side note - half of this is irrelevant now. #single

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

[ImiGirrst]

Ps to the man I quoted. Im not trying to be a bitch here but since you put those views out there- you should know thats a lot of words for I dont take women or their needs seriously. I will stoop to calling them.crazy or overemotional to distract from the fact I am lacking as a partner.

Um....I'm a woman. That's my ass in my avatar. 100% XX.

Women are humans and want affection as much as anyone else. Thats a whole bundle of red flags and misogony in my opinion..id get some therapy to work on that. I bet youd be happier as a person who was in touch with the fact that you have a heart too that has emotional needs.

I actually am well in touch with my emotions and my needs. And I'm very happy with the person I am today.

Also you wouldnt need to put other people down in the name of "honesty"

I wouldn't have responded to this thread had the OP not asked for 'honest' feedback. As another poster pointed out, you don't have to accept feedback from this site.

Also that last paragraph should be a red flag to yourself personally. You really want to be seen as a coward who wont communicate they are done because its "too hard". Thats you proving how emotionally immature you are

I know we can all do better. I hope you take that as intended. I wish you nothing but peace and a better relationship with your partner

.
It occurs to me that I have ample evidence that I do reasonably well at relationships, having had one that lasted 29 years and one that is going into its 22nd year. I've done a period of long distance with both (minimum of 3 years for both).
.
Do not confuse communication with dependence. Expecting a partner to tell you that you're pretty constantly or how sexually attractive you are, well, that makes me wonder why do I have to tell you this? How do you not know what you are? Sure, you have a period where you are both heart eyes at each other and don't get me wrong but NRE is fantastic. But you get to a point where the NRE leaves - so what do you have?
.
The OP poster said that without these narratives, plus the frequent ILY, she doesn't know that these qualities about herself are true.
.
Communication in a relationship can be very mundane, and mundane things can be important. You get to the point where the communication is I'm coming in early so that I can see you. In my mind, what you mean to each other transitions to a deeper expression, that comes from knowing each other better. Anyone can tell you you're pretty. But to have someone say, "tell me about that class (providing it's adult ed), because I bet your students couldn't take their eyes off you..." That's a deeper appreciation and in many ways, more intimate, because it requires that your partner knows and observes you. If that doesn't happen, then you got a problem - and it's not just in communication.
.
I guess I'm just a different kind of girl and that's okay. Peace

 

[curvyjae]

Easy.

Easy?

 

[curvyjae]

Yeah. You're not asking too much.

I am glad someone things so.

 

[cuppatea]

How’s the search going?

 

[curvyjae]

How’s the search going?

it is not going well.

 

[spiderwal]

Although I don’t fit the criteria you’re after I still wanted to give my inout, you ask if you’re asking too much and I’d say definitely not. Every person has the right to want what they want and if people don’t fit in to that mould then that’s there tough luck, there are millions of people out there so will be a lot that do fit right in to your criteria, and you will also fit in to there’s as well, you’ll get some that say they tick all your boxes whilst knowing that they don’t, but they will soon get found out, so you stick to your guns and I hope you find the one you want

 

[TrailerHitch]

Honestly as a man on his second marriage after a hellish first I had no list at all when I started to date again other than no blondes. All I wanted was to feel needed, appreciated, respected, and loved. What she looked like, where she worked, none of that mattered to me.

I found my second wife almost by accident. Our first date was after both of us working overnight. We met for breakfast and the longer we talked the more the chemistry flowed. We have been married for 15 years.

Oh yeah...She's a blond!

Stop making lists and passing by mister perfect because he has abrown eyes.

 

[TrailerHitch]

And this should tell you something.

People like to flatter themselves and others with the idea of "knowing your worth." The truth is your own estimate of your worth is irrelevant. It's the buyer who sets the value. Consider a rare coin. The book says it's worth an amount. But until someone actually hands you the money - it really isn't. The book can say whatever it wants, but if nobody will pay that price, the book is wrong.

In your case, you have decided your value is such that you can secure a "Mr Right" who meets your specs. You believe you are of equal value to the man you describe. So far you haven't been finding any "buyers" who agree. It's time to get more realistic. You can either stand pat on your current valuation of yourself and remain alone, or you can start cutting your price until you attract some interest.

While I agree with your intent, it isn't really cutting the price as much as it is being realistic. She describes herself as an "38 year old mom of a teenager. Low end of average looking BBW, 5’8”, dark hair and eyes." Yet she is looking for some pie in the sky guy. Honestly for me the low end of average and BBW don't concern me as much as the teenage son and the ludicrous list of requirements in this perfect man she seeks.

 

[TrailerHitch]

It’s not about asking too much it’s about having a checklist at all. People are more than a sum of their parts. Relationships are compromise.
Being mindful or what you need and value is important but having a list someone has to meet will not serve you.
And I should say I didn’t read the comments just your initial post. You do deserve love, respect and happiness and I hope you find it.

Excellent post and spot on.

 

[Ceasar88]

I know I am stepping on some ideas here... but I believe having strong (or strongish) ideas of what you want is a mistake. It has tripped up even those who have little baggage and few scars.
My recommendation is look at the list again. Find as much in it that you could live without if you had some of the others. Try to narrow it to just a handful (or less?) of things that are REALLY important. Do the eyes have to be light? the hair dark? If you found many of the other things and the man was 5'8 or 5'9, wouldn't that already be a find? (the average height of a man in the US is 5'8, only 14% are 6' or taller).

Make it easier to find someone. Not harder.

This… I hope op gets what she wants as well but… really

 

[curvyjae]

While I agree with your intent, it isn't really cutting the price as much as it is being realistic. She describes herself as an "38 year old mom of a teenager. Low end of average looking BBW, 5’8”, dark hair and eyes." Yet she is looking for some pie in the sky guy. Honestly for me the low end of average and BBW don't concern me as much as the teenage son and the ludicrous list of requirements in this perfect man she seeks.

None of that list is pie in the sky; just a wish list of which I got all but the cooking and taller than 5”11.

 

[TrailerHitch]

None of that list is pie in the sky; just a wish list of which I got all but the cooking and taller than 5”11.

So in this topic you said you were now single and the search was not going well, now you say you got it all but the cooking and 5'11". So which is it?

 

[curvyjae]

So in this topic you said you were now single and the search was not going well, now you say you got it all but the cooking and 5'11". So which is it?

Yeah, are things not allowed to change? It’s been two months since I said “not going well”. My best friend and I realised that we weren’t just friends and it was way more than that. One of those “everything you’ve needed is right in front of you” moments for both of us.

 

[TrailerHitch]

Well good luck and congrats!

 

[DinglyDangly]

Disclaimer: I have a boyfriend. We’ve been dating a couple of months, but something is missing. Maybe I am the issue or maybe not.

Am I being realistic or am I asking too much? .

Context/About me: 38 year old mom of a teenager. Low end of average looking BBW, 5’8”, dark hair and eyes. Born and raised in Oklahoma. Country girl mixed with artsy intellectual. Overly educated with useless degrees, work in education. My taste in music reflects my personality, my playlist every day is a mix of Bad Omens, Asking Alexandria, Bring Me the Horizon, Tyler Childers, Zach Bryan and Morgan Wallen. I love to read, write, and garden. My job and doctoral degree keep me fairly busy BUT I am almost always online. My son is often at his friend’s house or his dad’s house or talking to his girlfriend. He is most definitely in the phase of where I am only useful as a taxi or chef.

I have a high sex drive but so badly need mental stimulation to really enjoy it. I am recently divorced because there was no intimacy, no mental stimulation, no affection, very rarely sex, and we had no commonalities in our music tastes which sucks for long car rides, or just in general. I refuse to ever be involved with someone that cannot provide good conversations, make me laugh, and make me feel adored, and make me wet. I know, I am asking a lot. It gets better. I am emotionally damaged but I work hard to hide it well. My marriage to my son’s dad was 10 years of toxicity and abuse and while I have worked through 90% of my issues, that other 10% makes it hard for me to open up and trust people have good intentions, but I am naturally an open book type person, so there aren’t high walls to climb to get to know me, I simply ask to not lead me on when there is no future. Super dick move. I will return the gesture. I don’t give it my all if I am not willing to see it through.

What I want: Between 30 and 50. I know myself and I know that within that age range is where I am comfortable talking to for something potentially long term. In Oklahoma, NW Arkansas, or SW Missouri would be great, but somewhere within driving distance to Oklahoma would be necessary. Good taste in music. Be educated enough to know that Facebook and Twitter are not dependable news sources, but not so educated that you are a pretentious douche.

5’11 and over
Facial hair
Good taste in music (similar to mine)
Likes reading
Dominant but caring
Protective
Can put up with my repeated watching of the same shows over and over.
Makes me feel Comfortable enough to be myself.
Good with money
Dark hair
Light eyes
Good sense of humor
Can be nice to or at least accepting of my son
Wants animals. Goats chickens dogs cats just preferably nothing indoors
Can go to museums and be as happy as going fishing or for a hike
Tattoos or at least okay with mine
Knows me well enough to know how to comfort me on a bad day
Doesn’t want more kids
Doesn’t have a whole army of kids, preferably all kids over the age of 12 (can explain why if needed)
Can write and communicate clearly
Good mornings and good nights.
Sex drive that matches mine
Affectionate (kisses, romance, hugs, dancing in the kitchen)
Willing to cook part of the time
Is okay with my ridiculous work hours
Has a career at least equal to mine.
Supports my writing
Can have fun but is responsible


Dominant personality is a must, otherwise I will run you over and think you are weak and never respect you. I need to feel safe and protected and like I’m a priority and also wanted.

So considering all of that…. Is that too much to ask?

Damn, too old and not on the same continent.

 

[Greylag]

Yeah, are things not allowed to change? It’s been two months since I said “not going well”. My best friend and I realised that we weren’t just friends and it was way more than that. One of those “everything you’ve needed is right in front of you” moments for both of us.

Great! sometimes your eyes are so focused on the distance you don’t see what is at your feet. You had a hell of a list and that’s fine but if you compromise, as it seems you have, it makes life so much easier and increases your options !

Good luck!

 

[komesh]

Disclaimer: I have a boyfriend. We’ve been dating a couple of months, but something is missing. Maybe I am the issue or maybe not.

Am I being realistic or am I asking too much? .

Context/About me: 38 year old mom of a teenager. Low end of average looking BBW, 5’8”, dark hair and eyes. Born and raised in Oklahoma. Country girl mixed with artsy intellectual. Overly educated with useless degrees, work in education. My taste in music reflects my personality, my playlist every day is a mix of Bad Omens, Asking Alexandria, Bring Me the Horizon, Tyler Childers, Zach Bryan and Morgan Wallen. I love to read, write, and garden. My job and doctoral degree keep me fairly busy BUT I am almost always online. My son is often at his friend’s house or his dad’s house or talking to his girlfriend. He is most definitely in the phase of where I am only useful as a taxi or chef.

I have a high sex drive but so badly need mental stimulation to really enjoy it. I am recently divorced because there was no intimacy, no mental stimulation, no affection, very rarely sex, and we had no commonalities in our music tastes which sucks for long car rides, or just in general. I refuse to ever be involved with someone that cannot provide good conversations, make me laugh, and make me feel adored, and make me wet. I know, I am asking a lot. It gets better. I am emotionally damaged but I work hard to hide it well. My marriage to my son’s dad was 10 years of toxicity and abuse and while I have worked through 90% of my issues, that other 10% makes it hard for me to open up and trust people have good intentions, but I am naturally an open book type person, so there aren’t high walls to climb to get to know me, I simply ask to not lead me on when there is no future. Super dick move. I will return the gesture. I don’t give it my all if I am not willing to see it through.

What I want: Between 30 and 50. I know myself and I know that within that age range is where I am comfortable talking to for something potentially long term. In Oklahoma, NW Arkansas, or SW Missouri would be great, but somewhere within driving distance to Oklahoma would be necessary. Good taste in music. Be educated enough to know that Facebook and Twitter are not dependable news sources, but not so educated that you are a pretentious douche.

5’11 and over
Facial hair
Good taste in music (similar to mine)
Likes reading
Dominant but caring
Protective
Can put up with my repeated watching of the same shows over and over.
Makes me feel Comfortable enough to be myself.
Good with money
Dark hair
Light eyes
Good sense of humor
Can be nice to or at least accepting of my son
Wants animals. Goats chickens dogs cats just preferably nothing indoors
Can go to museums and be as happy as going fishing or for a hike
Tattoos or at least okay with mine
Knows me well enough to know how to comfort me on a bad day
Doesn’t want more kids
Doesn’t have a whole army of kids, preferably all kids over the age of 12 (can explain why if needed)
Can write and communicate clearly
Good mornings and good nights.
Sex drive that matches mine
Affectionate (kisses, romance, hugs, dancing in the kitchen)
Willing to cook part of the time
Is okay with my ridiculous work hours
Has a career at least equal to mine.
Supports my writing
Can have fun but is responsible


Dominant personality is a must, otherwise I will run you over and think you are weak and never respect you. I need to feel safe and protected and like I’m a priority and also wanted.

So considering all of that…. Is that too much to ask?

Hi my dear friend,
I think you expressed too much about yourself, that showed your personal wishes, and it is too much to get the same form the others.
Nothing is perfect as we wish! Life is a bance deal, that everyone has to try to keep in mind that nothing is perfect and we should try to accept the other people's ideas to make an equal relationship. I believe a real life is not a fantasy, there are a lot of facts which we are not agree, but we have to accept those facts. Let's give you an example, if I am short or tall and I don't like it , I can't do anything with it which is a fact and it is no changeable, so I have to come along with it and think,how can I get advantage of it to improve my life.
The bottom line, if we like to have a normal and happy life we should think about the wishes of other people before thinking about ourself desires.

 

[whynotbr]

Yes, we all have shit

 

[fullservice65]

Disclaimer: I have a boyfriend. We’ve been dating a couple of months, but something is missing. Maybe I am the issue or maybe not.

Am I being realistic or am I asking too much? .

Context/About me: 38 year old mom of a teenager. Low end of average looking BBW, 5’8”, dark hair and eyes. Born and raised in Oklahoma. Country girl mixed with artsy intellectual. Overly educated with useless degrees, work in education. My taste in music reflects my personality, my playlist every day is a mix of Bad Omens, Asking Alexandria, Bring Me the Horizon, Tyler Childers, Zach Bryan and Morgan Wallen. I love to read, write, and garden. My job and doctoral degree keep me fairly busy BUT I am almost always online. My son is often at his friend’s house or his dad’s house or talking to his girlfriend. He is most definitely in the phase of where I am only useful as a taxi or chef.

I have a high sex drive but so badly need mental stimulation to really enjoy it. I am recently divorced because there was no intimacy, no mental stimulation, no affection, very rarely sex, and we had no commonalities in our music tastes which sucks for long car rides, or just in general. I refuse to ever be involved with someone that cannot provide good conversations, make me laugh, and make me feel adored, and make me wet. I know, I am asking a lot. It gets better. I am emotionally damaged but I work hard to hide it well. My marriage to my son’s dad was 10 years of toxicity and abuse and while I have worked through 90% of my issues, that other 10% makes it hard for me to open up and trust people have good intentions, but I am naturally an open book type person, so there aren’t high walls to climb to get to know me, I simply ask to not lead me on when there is no future. Super dick move. I will return the gesture. I don’t give it my all if I am not willing to see it through.

What I want: Between 30 and 50. I know myself and I know that within that age range is where I am comfortable talking to for something potentially long term. In Oklahoma, NW Arkansas, or SW Missouri would be great, but somewhere within driving distance to Oklahoma would be necessary. Good taste in music. Be educated enough to know that Facebook and Twitter are not dependable news sources, but not so educated that you are a pretentious douche.

5’11 and over
Facial hair
Good taste in music (similar to mine)
Likes reading
Dominant but caring
Protective
Can put up with my repeated watching of the same shows over and over.
Makes me feel Comfortable enough to be myself.
Good with money
Dark hair
Light eyes
Good sense of humor
Can be nice to or at least accepting of my son
Wants animals. Goats chickens dogs cats just preferably nothing indoors
Can go to museums and be as happy as going fishing or for a hike
Tattoos or at least okay with mine
Knows me well enough to know how to comfort me on a bad day
Doesn’t want more kids
Doesn’t have a whole army of kids, preferably all kids over the age of 12 (can explain why if needed)
Can write and communicate clearly
Good mornings and good nights.
Sex drive that matches mine
Affectionate (kisses, romance, hugs, dancing in the kitchen)
Willing to cook part of the time
Is okay with my ridiculous work hours
Has a career at least equal to mine.
Supports my writing
Can have fun but is responsible


Dominant personality is a must, otherwise I will run you over and think you are weak and never respect you. I need to feel safe and protected and like I’m a priority and also wanted.

So considering all of that…. Is that too much to ask?

Truly -- good luck, bon voyage, happy trails ... The last stop is happiness.