Am I asking too much?

[curvyjae]

Disclaimer: I have a boyfriend. We’ve been dating a couple of months, but something is missing. Maybe I am the issue or maybe not.

Am I being realistic or am I asking too much? .

Context/About me: 38 year old mom of a teenager. Low end of average looking BBW, 5’8”, dark hair and eyes. Born and raised in Oklahoma. Country girl mixed with artsy intellectual. Overly educated with useless degrees, work in education. My taste in music reflects my personality, my playlist every day is a mix of Bad Omens, Asking Alexandria, Bring Me the Horizon, Tyler Childers, Zach Bryan and Morgan Wallen. I love to read, write, and garden. My job and doctoral degree keep me fairly busy BUT I am almost always online. My son is often at his friend’s house or his dad’s house or talking to his girlfriend. He is most definitely in the phase of where I am only useful as a taxi or chef.

I have a high sex drive but so badly need mental stimulation to really enjoy it. I am recently divorced because there was no intimacy, no mental stimulation, no affection, very rarely sex, and we had no commonalities in our music tastes which sucks for long car rides, or just in general. I refuse to ever be involved with someone that cannot provide good conversations, make me laugh, and make me feel adored, and make me wet. I know, I am asking a lot. It gets better. I am emotionally damaged but I work hard to hide it well. My marriage to my son’s dad was 10 years of toxicity and abuse and while I have worked through 90% of my issues, that other 10% makes it hard for me to open up and trust people have good intentions, but I am naturally an open book type person, so there aren’t high walls to climb to get to know me, I simply ask to not lead me on when there is no future. Super dick move. I will return the gesture. I don’t give it my all if I am not willing to see it through.

What I want: Between 30 and 50. I know myself and I know that within that age range is where I am comfortable talking to for something potentially long term. In Oklahoma, NW Arkansas, or SW Missouri would be great, but somewhere within driving distance to Oklahoma would be necessary. Good taste in music. Be educated enough to know that Facebook and Twitter are not dependable news sources, but not so educated that you are a pretentious douche.

5’11 and over
Facial hair
Good taste in music (similar to mine)
Likes reading
Dominant but caring
Protective
Can put up with my repeated watching of the same shows over and over.
Makes me feel Comfortable enough to be myself.
Good with money
Dark hair
Light eyes
Good sense of humor
Can be nice to or at least accepting of my son
Wants animals. Goats chickens dogs cats just preferably nothing indoors
Can go to museums and be as happy as going fishing or for a hike
Tattoos or at least okay with mine
Knows me well enough to know how to comfort me on a bad day
Doesn’t want more kids
Doesn’t have a whole army of kids, preferably all kids over the age of 12 (can explain why if needed)
Can write and communicate clearly
Good mornings and good nights.
Sex drive that matches mine
Affectionate (kisses, romance, hugs, dancing in the kitchen)
Willing to cook part of the time
Is okay with my ridiculous work hours
Has a career at least equal to mine.
Supports my writing
Can have fun but is responsible


Dominant personality is a must, otherwise I will run you over and think you are weak and never respect you. I need to feel safe and protected and like I’m a priority and also wanted.

So considering all of that…. Is that too much to ask?

 

[Shenanigans90]

I respect a lady that knows what she likes. That’s a very detailed list and I wish you the best of luck in finding Mr. Right.

 

[bensdesperate1]

That is not asking much at all and actually you sound amazing. I hope you find someone that ticks all those boxes and if they are on here then even better as it shows this place is not full of weirdos!! I would say I tick most of those boxes but alas I live on other side of pond lol. Good luck.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

You know what you want, as you're of a great age to realize your needs.
By 40, aren't we all a little damaged? I think your age of looking is great, though you may find men older than 50 are amazing too!
I'm 49, widowed and very damaged too, with massive scars inside and out. I have found amazing men on here that I have strongly connected with.. one in particular.. so my advice is to not settle for less than what you want

You may find a few fakes along the way.. but I hope you find what you need and deserve

 

[YesIamReal]

I know I am stepping on some ideas here... but I believe having strong (or strongish) ideas of what you want is a mistake. It has tripped up even those who have little baggage and few scars.
My recommendation is look at the list again. Find as much in it that you could live without if you had some of the others. Try to narrow it to just a handful (or less?) of things that are REALLY important. Do the eyes have to be light? the hair dark? If you found many of the other things and the man was 5'8 or 5'9, wouldn't that already be a find? (the average height of a man in the US is 5'8, only 14% are 6' or taller).

Make it easier to find someone. Not harder.

 

[LeinadVirgo]

As a guy that fits most of that list (some of the subjective ones are hard to say), it's a lot. I enjoy a partner that knows what she wants, but when I see a list like that my own self doubt creeps in and i don't feel confident it's worth trying since there are a handful i don't match on 100%.

I don't love nearby, so that's a pretty big one and I'm confident strikes me off the list. But i would posit that you do not present the other side, what do you provide and what is your flexibility?

I feel your exasperation, one moved across the country a couple times to meet new people with different perspectives because i was frustrated where I was at.

 

[curvyjae]

As a guy that fits most of that list (some of the subjective ones are hard to say), it's a lot. I enjoy a partner that knows what she wants, but when I see a list like that my own self doubt creeps in and i don't feel confident it's worth trying since there are a handful i don't match on 100%.

I don't love nearby, so that's a pretty big one and I'm confident strikes me off the list. But i would posit that you do not present the other side, what do you provide and what is your flexibility?

I feel your exasperation, one moved across the country a couple times to meet new people with different perspectives because i was frustrated where I was at.

I 100% understand what is being said. My current boyfriend is an inch shorter than me , bald and has other qualities that are against anything I’ve ever said I’d allow before. Aside from the good taste in major, and accepting me for who I am, he doesn’t meet many of those things. There’s is flexibility in many aspects and no flexibility in others. Eye and hair color- for sure not dealbreakers. Distance- depends on the connection and person. I am now thrice divorced and every time I told myself “it’ll be ok, I don’t NEED this or that, but the truth is, aside from a few things, those are all needs.

What do I bring to the table? If I feel loved, desired, and wanted/adored and like I can trust my person, I am a decent catch. I am educated, from a good family, drug free. Don’t smoke or drink. I cook, I clean, I have a good career. My kid is mostly well behaved. I love affection and sex and mildly kinky. If given the right conditions (or in general) I’m not too terrible.

 

[TorontoShane]

I think it's great you show that confidence in knowing what you want exactly. Means you know who you are as a woman and what you want out of your partner and your connection.

 

[nekkid_handyman]

I 100% understand what is being said. My current boyfriend is an inch shorter than me , bald and has other qualities that are against anything I’ve ever said I’d allow before. Aside from the good taste in major, and accepting me for who I am, he doesn’t meet many of those things. There’s is flexibility in many aspects and no flexibility in others. Eye and hair color- for sure not dealbreakers. Distance- depends on the connection and person. I am now thrice divorced and every time I told myself “it’ll be ok, I don’t NEED this or that, but the truth is, aside from a few things, those are all needs.

What do I bring to the table? If I feel loved, desired, and wanted/adored and like I can trust my person, I am a decent catch. I am educated, from a good family, drug free. Don’t smoke or drink. I cook, I clean, I have a good career. My kid is mostly well behaved. I love affection and sex and mildly kinky. If given the right conditions (or in general) I’m not too terrible.

I know it is a daunting prospect to be out there and searching for a soul mate. I agree with the comments above about being realistic in what you want what you can expect and making compromises, but the ultimate goal is to be happy and content.
I say, look for friends that tantalize you intellectually and hopefully one of them turns into a lover and life partner. Easier said than done I know.
Speaking from my own perspective, my wife and I are night and day in our daily interests, but we compliment each other so it works great. So, instead of taking things off your list, maybe you will find someone who complements your list.
I personally think you sound awesome and hope you find someone who can give you what you want. Good luck

 

[teachinem]

If given the right conditions (or in general) I’m not too terrible.

Not too terrible... girl, you're a treasure. Don't let anybody make you think otherwise.

 

[curvyjae]

I don’t come here when I’m happy in my relationships and yesterday/today is an example of why I’m not happy with it. My relationship is long distance. We see each other every other weekend, and even then, it’s sometimes just for a day. So needless to say we don’t see each other much. Everything is text and phone calls. Since that’s all we have, I send flirty pics, flirty texts, say “ily” but he rarely does either of those. I told him last week that if he’s not telling me I’m pretty, I believe the voice in my head saying I’m not. If he doesn’t say ily or tell me he misses me or that I can’t wait to make me cum (pretty much sexting) then it makes our relationship no different than my conversations with friends. He does have a lot going on in his life but so do I but I choose to make sure he knows I care and all that. Am I asking too much? Are guys that laser focused that they can’t remember to put effort in their relationship if they have other things going on?

 

[Cory_Vett]

I don’t come here when I’m happy in my relationships and yesterday/today is an example of why I’m not happy with it. My relationship is long distance. We see each other every other weekend, and even then, it’s sometimes just for a day. So needless to say we don’t see each other much. Everything is text and phone calls. Since that’s all we have, I send flirty pics, flirty texts, say “ily” but he rarely does either of those. I told him last week that if he’s not telling me I’m pretty, I believe the voice in my head saying I’m not. If he doesn’t say ily or tell me he misses me or that I can’t wait to make me cum (pretty much sexting) then it makes our relationship no different than my conversations with friends. He does have a lot going on in his life but so do I but I choose to make sure he knows I care and all that. Am I asking too much? Are guys that laser focused that they can’t remember to put effort in their relationship if they have other things going on?

People make time for what is important to them.

 

[curvyjae]

People make time for what is important to them.

That’s what my view is.

 

[Cory_Vett]

That’s what my view is.

The crazy thing is, for me anyway, I appreciate something quick and unexpected more when people are busy versus a long drawn out interaction. I miss the interaction I used to get a few years back.

 

[curvyjae]

The crazy thing is, for me anyway, I appreciate something quick and unexpected more when people are busy versus a long drawn out interaction. I miss the interaction I used to get a few years back.

I just want to know I’m a priority and cared about. I don’t ask for much.

 

[Cory_Vett]

I just want to know I’m a priority and cared about. I don’t ask for much.

I don't understand how people just take beautiful people, like yourself, for granted.

 

[curvyjae]

I don't understand how people just take beautiful people, like yourself, for granted.

That’s definitely what I feel, taken for granted.

 

[Cory_Vett]

That’s definitely what I feel, taken for granted.

Been there, felt that. And the actions mean 100x more than the words.

 

[Cory_Vett]

That’s definitely what I feel, taken for granted.

If you ever want to talk, reach out.

 

[ImiGirrst]

I don’t come here when I’m happy in my relationships and yesterday/today is an example of why I’m not happy with it. My relationship is long distance. We see each other every other weekend, and even then, it’s sometimes just for a day. So needless to say we don’t see each other much. Everything is text and phone calls. Since that’s all we have, I send flirty pics, flirty texts, say “ily” but he rarely does either of those. I told him last week that if he’s not telling me I’m pretty, I believe the voice in my head saying I’m not. If he doesn’t say ily or tell me he misses me or that I can’t wait to make me cum (pretty much sexting) then it makes our relationship no different than my conversations with friends. He does have a lot going on in his life but so do I but I choose to make sure he knows I care and all that. Am I asking too much? Are guys that laser focused that they can’t remember to put effort in their relationship if they have other things going on?

You have a very specific list - and there is a lot on that list that really requires a successful man in order to obtain it. I tend to think that in order to be successful (and this applies to any one who is successful), you not only need to excel in your field, but also be able to identify bumps that can derail you.

So, here's my fighting words, but you did ask "Am I asking too much?" For me, I hear all kinds of bells going off at this line: "If he doesn't say ily or tell me he misses me... then it makes our relationship no different than my conversations with friends." That would make me go WHOA!! And quite likely retreat in a big way. To me, that goes way beyond putting effort in a relationship. That is someone using me as a self-esteem hit.
.
You mentioned that you had healed 90%, but were still working on 10%. I would challenge those percentages because the way you wrote this tells me you aren't even aware that's what you are doing. You think that's something in a typical relationship. You know you have a voice in your head that is telling you a different narrative, but instead of adding breaking that narrative to the list of work you need to do, you expect the person in your life to do overshadow that for you. That's one of the most clearly expressed examples of co-dependence I've ever read.
.
So, it's one thing if you ASK him to help you out by giving you something else to focus on because you're fighting the narrative in your head and you haven't been successful in breaking it. It's a wholly different thing when you think a constant stream of affirmation is likely typical interaction between romantic partners.
.
As for being unhappy with his communication, sometimes it's easier to focus on doing other things in hopes that the attention seeker goes someplace else, rather than being honest and thus having a confrontation with someone who can't see that's what's happening. There is no benefit to him to have said confrontation.

 

[alittlefun53]

Disclaimer: I have a boyfriend. We’ve been dating a couple of months, but something is missing. Maybe I am the issue or maybe not.

Am I being realistic or am I asking too much? .

Context/About me: 38 year old mom of a teenager. Low end of average looking BBW, 5’8”, dark hair and eyes. Born and raised in Oklahoma. Country girl mixed with artsy intellectual. Overly educated with useless degrees, work in education. My taste in music reflects my personality, my playlist every day is a mix of Bad Omens, Asking Alexandria, Bring Me the Horizon, Tyler Childers, Zach Bryan and Morgan Wallen. I love to read, write, and garden. My job and doctoral degree keep me fairly busy BUT I am almost always online. My son is often at his friend’s house or his dad’s house or talking to his girlfriend. He is most definitely in the phase of where I am only useful as a taxi or chef.

I have a high sex drive but so badly need mental stimulation to really enjoy it. I am recently divorced because there was no intimacy, no mental stimulation, no affection, very rarely sex, and we had no commonalities in our music tastes which sucks for long car rides, or just in general. I refuse to ever be involved with someone that cannot provide good conversations, make me laugh, and make me feel adored, and make me wet. I know, I am asking a lot. It gets better. I am emotionally damaged but I work hard to hide it well. My marriage to my son’s dad was 10 years of toxicity and abuse and while I have worked through 90% of my issues, that other 10% makes it hard for me to open up and trust people have good intentions, but I am naturally an open book type person, so there aren’t high walls to climb to get to know me, I simply ask to not lead me on when there is no future. Super dick move. I will return the gesture. I don’t give it my all if I am not willing to see it through.

What I want: Between 30 and 50. I know myself and I know that within that age range is where I am comfortable talking to for something potentially long term. In Oklahoma, NW Arkansas, or SW Missouri would be great, but somewhere within driving distance to Oklahoma would be necessary. Good taste in music. Be educated enough to know that Facebook and Twitter are not dependable news sources, but not so educated that you are a pretentious douche.

5’11 and over
Facial hair
Good taste in music (similar to mine)
Likes reading
Dominant but caring
Protective
Can put up with my repeated watching of the same shows over and over.
Makes me feel Comfortable enough to be myself.
Good with money
Dark hair
Light eyes
Good sense of humor
Can be nice to or at least accepting of my son
Wants animals. Goats chickens dogs cats just preferably nothing indoors
Can go to museums and be as happy as going fishing or for a hike
Tattoos or at least okay with mine
Knows me well enough to know how to comfort me on a bad day
Doesn’t want more kids
Doesn’t have a whole army of kids, preferably all kids over the age of 12 (can explain why if needed)
Can write and communicate clearly
Good mornings and good nights.
Sex drive that matches mine
Affectionate (kisses, romance, hugs, dancing in the kitchen)
Willing to cook part of the time
Is okay with my ridiculous work hours
Has a career at least equal to mine.
Supports my writing
Can have fun but is responsible


Dominant personality is a must, otherwise I will run you over and think you are weak and never respect you. I need to feel safe and protected and like I’m a priority and also wanted.

So considering all of that…. Is that too much to ask?

If I was younger, taller, bearded, had hair, etc, I'd ask you out.

 

[Inthesewalls]

You have a very specific list - and there is a lot on that list that really requires a successful man in order to obtain it. I tend to think that in order to be successful (and this applies to any one who is successful), you not only need to excel in your field, but also be able to identify bumps that can derail you.

So, here's my fighting words, but you did ask "Am I asking too much?" For me, I hear all kinds of bells going off at this line: "If he doesn't say ily or tell me he misses me... then it makes our relationship no different than my conversations with friends." That would make me go WHOA!! And quite likely retreat in a big way. To me, that goes way beyond putting effort in a relationship. That is someone using me as a self-esteem hit.
.
You mentioned that you had healed 90%, but were still working on 10%. I would challenge those percentages because the way you wrote this tells me you aren't even aware that's what you are doing. You think that's something in a typical relationship. You know you have a voice in your head that is telling you a different narrative, but instead of adding breaking that narrative to the list of work you need to do, you expect the person in your life to do overshadow that for you. That's one of the most clearly expressed examples of co-dependence I've ever read.
.
So, it's one thing if you ASK him to help you out by giving you something else to focus on because you're fighting the narrative in your head and you haven't been successful in breaking it. It's a wholly different thing when you think a constant stream of affirmation is likely typical interaction between romantic partners.
.
As for being unhappy with his communication, sometimes it's easier to focus on doing other things in hopes that the attention seeker goes someplace else, rather than being honest and thus having a confrontation with someone who can't see that's what's happening. There is no benefit to him to have said confrontation.

This is why there are a lot of single men. This is why women leave or dont chose to be in relationships. This entire quote. Let me explain my as you put it "fighting words" and why this is a bullshit narrative that men peddle when they feel like they are going to be asked to put effort into a relationship or bc they arent being chosen/ dont have successful relationships.

I dont mean any of this as a personal attack. Sincerely. Im just going to tell you how this comes across. Im going to guess we are going to have to agree to disagree but Im so tired of the narrative that women are "too picky" when they have on the floor standards. Or that women are too emotional or that working on yourself as an adult is a negative.



Im what universe is asking your partner to communicate care to you co dependant? Thats not as you put it " a self esteem hit". Thats called normal affection between adults. Do you honestly not make an effort to make your partner feel loved and special? As she says if that consideration isnt there its one hundred percent a friendship. Im not saying it has to be continual hearts and flowers, what I am saying most women need communication that they lack sorely from men. Its a cop out to say co-dependance. Its called you dont care enough to make slight effort. Thats what most of her list is to me. If you bother to make your partner feel like a priority - you most likely wont be asked for assurance.


Its interesting to me also how men jump to the hysterical woman narrative so often. Everyone has emotional needs. Everyone has a lot baggage. Women are open about this, most men are not. They dont want to take the time to deal with the reality that their partner isnt perfect or asked something of them so they jump to - too emotional, codependant, hysterical instead of seeing their partner as a healthy person with emotional needs. Its actually very unhealthy to not be able to express needs or put down boundaries which is what this list is.

I can guarantee you have a list of qualifictions for the women you are with that im sure includes being attracted to them and them apparently never asking you for anything vaguely emotional.
Everyone wants to be attracted to the person they are with. Success is different for everyone. When women mention we want a man who is successful we arent talking six figures most time, just someone responsible we can build a future with.

Im honestly confused as to what you would like her to settle for? An immature man with no communicatiom skills, no job or hope for a future, someone she isnt attracted to at all and treats her like she is crazy for asking to be a priority in his life like she is in his? An equitable partnership makes you co dependant? Standards are a red flag? According to whom?

To the OP, you arent asking for too much. Unfortunately too many men think they know better what we want than we do. Theres this ridiculous "women have too many standards" because we expect effort and maturity.

Those men want you to show up when they want you, cater to their emotional needs and will without a doubt call you hysterical or co dependant because weve been conditioned that women are overemotional or ask to much. You arent..you want communication from. You want your partner to act like an adult and you want to feel cared for. Those are bare minumum considerations for a human.


Dont let someone mansplain your feelings to you. It reflects on them more than you. You know what you want. If you notice there are also several men telling you not to settle because they arent afraid of an equal partnership where both partners show consideration for each other.



Honestly, dont bother trying to explain working on yourself to people like that either. Its admirable to be open about your struggling and growth as a person. Men like that have stopped growing a long time ago. The ones who throw that stuff in your face. They dont want to grow as people. They dont want to address their own massive amount of baggage but they will expect you to.



Op I hope you find an emotionally mature, responsible adult who makes you feel loved and you are attracted to. Those are bare, on the floor minimums you should get. Never let anyone feed you a narrative you should settle. What they are really saying is you should be grateful for whats in front of you- you should settle for any old thing or any behavior so that you are in a relationship. I know you have more self esteem than that.



Secure men exist. Dont settle for poor treatment. Good luck with your search.





Ps to the man I quoted. Im not trying to be a bitch here but since you put those views out there- you should know thats a lot of words for I dont take women or their needs seriously. I will stoop to calling them.crazy or overemotional to distract from the fact I am lacking as a partner.



Women are humans and want affection as much as anyone else. Thats a whole bundle of red flags and misogony in my opinion..id get some therapy to work on that. I bet youd be happier as a person who was in touch with the fact that you have a heart too that has emotional needs.



Also you wouldnt need to put other people down in the name of "honesty" because it scares you that you dont have that emotional maturity. I dont mean any of it unkindly. I am sure you are a great person in a slew of other ways. Just dont come on the internet and expect women to fall for the same bullshit narratives weve all been fed.

Also that last paragraph should be a red flag to yourself personally. You really want to be seen as a coward who wont communicate they are done because its "too hard". Thats you proving how emotionally immature you are

I know we can all do better. I hope you take that as intended. I wish you nothing but peace and a better relationship with your partners.

 

[tnh_06]

I get that you have a pretty detailed list there, but, let’s face it, you have already been in three marriages that ended because the guy wasn’t what you wanted. Why go into another if you know going in it isn’t going to be what you need because you will always feel you settled? That being said, you may never find this guy you are looking for, but if your not really going to be happy, why not keep looking? All that being said, most of the advice given on this site is just so much bullshit, including mine. You know what you want and no one here is going to make you feel better about it. Live for you.

 

[curvyjae]

You have a very specific list - and there is a lot on that list that really requires a successful man in order to obtain it. I tend to think that in order to be successful (and this applies to any one who is successful), you not only need to excel in your field, but also be able to identify bumps that can derail you.

So, here's my fighting words, but you did ask "Am I asking too much?" For me, I hear all kinds of bells going off at this line: "If he doesn't say ily or tell me he misses me... then it makes our relationship no different than my conversations with friends." That would make me go WHOA!! And quite likely retreat in a big way. To me, that goes way beyond putting effort in a relationship. That is someone using me as a self-esteem hit.
.
You mentioned that you had healed 90%, but were still working on 10%. I would challenge those percentages because the way you wrote this tells me you aren't even aware that's what you are doing. You think that's something in a typical relationship. You know you have a voice in your head that is telling you a different narrative, but instead of adding breaking that narrative to the list of work you need to do, you expect the person in your life to do overshadow that for you. That's one of the most clearly expressed examples of co-dependence I've ever read.
.
So, it's one thing if you ASK him to help you out by giving you something else to focus on because you're fighting the narrative in your head and you haven't been successful in breaking it. It's a wholly different thing when you think a constant stream of affirmation is likely typical interaction between romantic partners.
.
As for being unhappy with his communication, sometimes it's easier to focus on doing other things in hopes that the attention seeker goes someplace else, rather than being honest and thus having a confrontation with someone who can't see that's what's happening. There is no benefit to him to have said confrontation.

So what you’re saying is he’s too chickenshit to break it off even though I told him I’d walk away if he has other priorities just to give him an out?

 

[Photog1rl]

It’s not about asking too much it’s about having a checklist at all. People are more than a sum of their parts. Relationships are compromise.
Being mindful or what you need and value is important but having a list someone has to meet will not serve you.
And I should say I didn’t read the comments just your initial post. You do deserve love, respect and happiness and I hope you find it.