Sexless Marriages

[Xenaqueen]

I am totally in a sexless marriage and have been pretty much for a few years! We’re out there but we are a bit like unicorns

I am a woman in her 50’s with the sex drive of an 18 yr old boy, that’s not normal I’ve been told by female friends the same age and male friends. I should be settling down for my old age with my hormones dying a slow death, but hell no!

Hi

 

[Xenaqueen]

I am a woman who also has a sexless marriage to my hubby who had surgery and the surgeons accidentally severed his sex drive nerves (I'm sure this is not the technical term). It left him impudent. I am also a woman who is in her 50s and is very horny. I just have my toys and porn. Sucks!

 

[expertlinguist]

I am totally in a sexless marriage and have been pretty much for a few years! We’re out there but we are a bit like unicorns

I am a woman in her 50’s with the sex drive of an 18 yr old boy, that’s not normal I’ve been told by female friends the same age and male friends. I should be settling down for my old age with my hormones dying a slow death, but hell no!

You go girl!

 

[Britva415]

Does a few times a year count as sexless?

It wouldn't at my house, but this does fit certain definitions of "sexless."

 

[Strixaluco]

Does a few times a year count as sexless?

In my books that's still low-sex.

 

[ByteMe13]

I am a woman who also has a sexless marriage to my hubby who had surgery and the surgeons accidentally severed his sex drive nerves (I'm sure this is not the technical term). It left him impudent. I am also a woman who is in her 50s and is very horny. I just have my toys and porn. Sucks!

There are plenty of guys out there would love to service you. Hubby could watch or kiss and cuddle with you while you are being serviced

 

[silky52]

I am a woman who also has a sexless marriage to my hubby who had surgery and the surgeons accidentally severed his sex drive nerves (I'm sure this is not the technical term). It left him impudent. I am also a woman who is in her 50s and is very horny. I just have my toys and porn. Sucks!

I hope you sued them. Tht's disgusting! So sorry for both of your losses!

 

[I_lOvE_GiRlS]

Other than a couple of half ass attempts mearly for the purpose of trying to say that it's not her fault, I've been in a sexless marriage for probably going on 4 years now.

It really sucks when all your attempts to instigate intimate moments between you and your wife get rebuffed or just ignored.

Eventually now I find myself in a extremely confusing place. I can finally see a little hope that we may be able to save our marriage. But, then I have to admit that I am just not sure anymore if that's what I want. Don't get me wrong, I still love my wife, we've had almost 24 years together and raised our 4 kids! But I am just not sure despite my love for her, if I am still "in love with her", if that makes any sense, cause it confuses the heck out of my brain when I try to think about it.

I have recently been seeing a counselor and have been trying to work through all of this with her. But she has confirmed things that other friends have already said regarding my wife. Things that really add to my hesitancy about just automatically choosing to stay together. So until things change in the ways that I want, or one of us calls it quits, most of the time if I need to relieve "the stress" , it's me, my hand and some porn clips.

The biggest thing that I have come to understand about a sexless marriage situation, is that in most cases it seems to be one or the other, husband or the wife who has chosen for themselves that there shall be no sex in their marriage. Most times without ever even bothering to talk to their spouse or partner about things, and at least in my case, my wife seems to have a need to and enjoys telling everyone around us how it's all my fault and how I've been cheating on her. During our sexless marriage years I developed a friendship with a couple different women online. 1 who was posting her own content on Reddit and the other 2 who I met in a sexless marriage group on Facebook. I've never physically met, let alone had any kind of contact in person with any of them so I guess it became more of an emotional affair type thing. But what I was trying to say is that I have learned that it all comes down to what you are willing to forgive, and forget, what will you be able to live with and what constitutes a bridge to far for you? Because in my case sadly it seems that my wife very well might not ever actually change, it all seems to be about control for her and she'll make like she's changing but given enough time I've noticed how she subtly starts going back to her normal routine every time.

 

[Intrepid47]

I’ve only been 23 years, but our marriage has only been sexless for 13-15 of those.

I remember specifically the first time I FELT rejected. That was our tenth anniversary and we were staying at a hotel for the weekend. She didn’t feel well, but did not communicate that to me until that first night when I was being frisky.

I learned a few years ago that “sexless marriage” is a clinical term, but it would define my marriage for MANY years.

And we rarely talk about it. E-ver-y time, I am the one who brings up the conversation. My wife has never—not one time—instigated a conversation about sex. Not one time. Almost every time, it ends in an argument with a variant of “that’s all you ever think about.”

No oral sex even because, way back when we were engaged, I brought up the topic of oral and her response was “EWWW! That’s gross. I am NOT putting your penis in my mouth.”

It is depressing for me and makes me feel cold inside. I feel isolated, alone, rejected, WRONG, and like I am gross.

 

[silky52]

I’ve only been 23 years, but our marriage has only been sexless for 13-15 of those.

I remember specifically the first time I FELT rejected. That was our tenth anniversary and we were staying at a hotel for the weekend. She didn’t feel well, but did not communicate that to me until that first night when I was being frisky.

I learned a few years ago that “sexless marriage” is a clinical term, but it would define my marriage for MANY years.

And we rarely talk about it. E-ver-y time, I am the one who brings up the conversation. My wife has never—not one time—instigated a conversation about sex. Not one time. Almost every time, it ends in an argument with a variant of “that’s all you ever think about.”

No oral sex even because, way back when we were engaged, I brought up the topic of oral and her response was “EWWW! That’s gross. I am NOT putting your penis in my mouth.”

It is depressing for me and makes me feel cold inside. I feel isolated, alone, rejected, WRONG, and like I am gross.

I'm so sorry... but 23 years? I don't understand how people stand for it, sex is a big part of marriage, I don't care what anyone says or thinks, it is! Without that there is a hole in the marriage...IMHO. My sympathies.

 

[adamISOeve]

I’ve only been 23 years, but our marriage has only been sexless for 13-15 of those.

I remember specifically the first time I FELT rejected. That was our tenth anniversary and we were staying at a hotel for the weekend. She didn’t feel well, but did not communicate that to me until that first night when I was being frisky.

I learned a few years ago that “sexless marriage” is a clinical term, but it would define my marriage for MANY years.

And we rarely talk about it. E-ver-y time, I am the one who brings up the conversation. My wife has never—not one time—instigated a conversation about sex. Not one time. Almost every time, it ends in an argument with a variant of “that’s all you ever think about.”

No oral sex even because, way back when we were engaged, I brought up the topic of oral and her response was “EWWW! That’s gross. I am NOT putting your penis in my mouth.”

It is depressing for me and makes me feel cold inside. I feel isolated, alone, rejected, WRONG, and like I am gross.

Sure enough, you are indeed in a bind. But why the hell did you marry a woman who displayed to you THAT attitude about sex?

 

[Strixaluco]

That reminds me...with my first ex I was almost repulsed by oral sex. Not by the thought, but in practise. Wouldn't have guessed that with my next partner I really liked giving head and looked like a cat who found the cream after swallowing. And then with next husband it was unappealing again.

They all tasted very different, though... And I think it has a lot to do with pheromones, as it correlates with other things like how much we ever wanted sex and if it lasted - how well did they even excite me. Now I again have a partner who tastes amazing in my mouth, and I can't get enough of him.

(For someone who has learned a negative attitude against sex that certainly won't be the same, though.)

 

[Intrepid47]

I'm so sorry... but 23 years? I don't understand how people stand for it, sex is a big part of marriage, I don't care what anyone says or thinks, it is! Without that there is a hole in the marriage...IMHO. My sympathies.

No, not the whole 23 years. “Just” 13-15 of them!

Even before then, when we DID have sex more often—even then it was maybe weekly—we still didn’t talk about sex. Do you want to? What do you want to do? Do you like this? None of that. Except if I did suggest something, usually to be told no.

Although to be fair, my wife HAS surprised me a few times! Sex outside on our deck, that was many years ago. In her parents yard when they and our kids were inside. In the back of our van at some boat launches! There HAVE been a few great surprises.

 

[Intrepid47]

Sure enough, you are indeed in a bind. But why the hell did you marry a woman who displayed to you THAT attitude about sex?

Because breaking an engagement and breaking her heart because she didn’t want to do AN activity, oral sex, seemed like a very assholeish thing to do. So I made a choice that probably it would be better over time.

 

[adamISOeve]

Because breaking an engagement and breaking her heart because she didn’t want to do AN activity, oral sex, seemed like a very assholeish thing to do. So I made a choice that probably it would be better over time.

OK, soyou were hoping for an improvement that never happened, correct?

 

[Strixaluco]

OK, soyou were hoping for an improvement that never happened, correct?

Sounds like he thought it was just that one thing. Not an attitude against sex in general.


I in a way pity the women who have been taught sex is something ugly and only endured to get kids. How much do they miss...

 

[Filipinawife]

Sounds like he thought it was just that one thing. Not an attitude against sex in general.


I in a way pity the women who have been taught sex is something ugly and only endured to get kids. How much do they miss...

Exactly

 

[TomTeacher19]

So much resonates in this thread. We've been married almost 25 years and there is so much more to marriage than sex, so the lack of it is not everything. But it is a big thing. My wife is asexual. We didn't know it until recently but it totally fits now. She never was that into it and tried to when she thought she was supposed to or wanted to get pregnant, but it wasn't who she was. So now the question is what do we do now and ifs not an easy or simple answer.

 

[adamISOeve]

I in a way pity the women who have been taught sex is something ugly and only endured to get kids. How much do they miss...

Strixaluco, you have hit the nail on its head with your observation!

I bet that a significant number of women are "turning asexual", because they've been taught to view sex as you describe it. So they do not turn asexual; they have been so from the start. ...... In my view, a woman must have enjoyed the pleasures of her sexuality early on, in order to counter all this BS education.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

These women you guys are married to must have some other truly awesome qualities to have you all going back everyday and cracking on as normal for years.

 

[Strixaluco]

Strixaluco, you have hit the nail on its head with your observation!

I bet that a significant number of women are "turning asexual", because they've been taught to view sex as you describe it. So they do not turn asexual; they have been so from the start. ...... In my view, a woman must have enjoyed the pleasures of her sexuality early on, in order to counter all this BS education.

I'm not sure they are really asexual, just having damn strong inhibitions.

Some probably have strong religious teachings on the background, giving then the idea that it's sinful and wrong and whatnot.

 

[Intrepid47]

These women you guys are married to must have some other truly awesome qualities to have you all going back everyday and cracking on as normal for years.

My wife does. Outside of this issue, our relationship is good.

This issue happens to be a major piece of a good foundation, and it is missing.

There is also the damage that divorce would cause to her and to our children, if we had divorced all those years ago.

And while people DO divorce because “they cheated on me” I have felt divorce because “she ignores or refuses or degrades the need I have for sex” would be a really shallow, selfish, assholeish reason. That’s why I haven’t left.

 

[Strixaluco]

And while people DO divorce because “they cheated on me” I have felt divorce because “she ignores or refuses or degrades the need I have for sex” would be a really shallow, selfish, assholeish reason. That’s why I haven’t left.

I think degrading the other ones need for sex is outrageous behaviour - degrading is something a good spouse never, ever, in any circumstance does, not even when fighting. Even ignoring is red flag. A good spouse would at least agree to talk about it.

 

[rodeoclown]

I think degrading the other ones need for sex is outrageous behaviour - degrading is something a good spouse never, ever, in any circumstance does, not even when fighting. Even ignoring is red flag. A good spouse would at least agree to talk about it.

I feel this every day. I just keepmasking someday she will get the hint. I asked to take a road trip alone, she got supper defensive and asked if i had another woman. I said no. I hope it was the wake up call because i want to find someone to cuddle up with and have some sexy time every once in a while. Not be degraded because she doesnt want to out in some effort into it either.

 

[silky52]

My wife does. Outside of this issue, our relationship is good.

This issue happens to be a major piece of a good foundation, and it is missing.

There is also the damage that divorce would cause to her and to our children, if we had divorced all those years ago.

And while people DO divorce because “they cheated on me” I have felt divorce because “she ignores or refuses or degrades the need I have for sex” would be a really shallow, selfish, assholeish reason. That’s why I haven’t left.

You are a Saint!