Why is it so hard

[Chels37]

So I’ve been looking for a Domme or Dom for almost a year and a half now. I’ve had a few great so I thought relationships but I either get ghosted or told I’m too needy.
Is it only the Mommy and Daddy types that ghost their little/brat? I mean it’s hell on me emotionally because when I open up and trust someone and wear their collar it’s like soul shattering to get dumped.
Have any other subs felt with this and if so how are you managing not growing distant or closed off in relationships?

 

[thomas1965]

I think you really need to be patient. Building trust takes time. As a sub you must be particularly careful, there are lots of abusers and predators around. Maybe even more than genuine masters.

I mean it’s hell on me emotionally because when I open up and trust someone and wear their collar it’s like soul shattering to get dumped.

Yes, it must be painful. At least you know that he/she wasn't the right one for you.

told I’m too needy.

People have different ideas how needy is too needy. It doesn't have to be true. Maybe your needs are just greater than someone's capacity to give.

Good luck with your search.

 

[Dearelliot]

Not really addressing your problem, but more just a random thought.
I'm retired and "OLD" married forever, and for the first time in my life, I really have the time to do some of the things I wanted, albeit, not with the strength to do it.
But back to my point, maybe it is just me, but my life has usually been way too hectic. I didn't have the time to be much of anything to anyone new, because my time was already taken up with a marriage, a child, a home and a full-time job, and a large family. I have no idea how most people would have the time to take on the responsibility of fulfilling a third person's needs.
I wonder if people are sometimes ghosted because life gets in the way..

 

[BadMoonRisingX]

It could be as your partners have said that you are too needy but that could also mean your partners never wanted a committed relationship.

Another common problem many have is focusing too much on a particular fetish. It's hard enough finding someone who is compatible in a relationship let alone has a compatible fetish. When you add relationship compatibility and fetish compatibility, your odds of finding the right person go way down. It might be best to start with finding a compatible person who is willing to explore.

 

[IrisAlthea]

It could be as your partners have said that you are too needy but that could also mean your partners never wanted a committed relationship.

It could, yes.
I’d say that even those who do want the commitment can find it hard to go there, if they feel incapable of taking on what feels like too much of a responsibility.

Taking care of someone who needs care on a level much beyond what would normally be required at that age, can be a huge drain, no matter how willingly you do it.

Speaking up from the start, if you feel that the relationship would be hard to sustain or if you see compatibility issues, isn’t a bad thing in my book.
Providing feedback on why, should be considered A plus, going by how many people complain about not getting closure because they didn’t understand the reasons behind a breakup.

When you add relationship compatibility and fetish compatibility, your odds of finding the right person go way down.

This.
Sometimes it seems to me like people think partner search would be easier, now that they know that they are in search of a ”fill in the blank”, as if all the usual stuff doesn’t apply anymore.

 

[slavemelanie]

Don't ever rush into any relationship, especially one where you give so much to someone willingly. As Badmoon stated when you limit yourself to only a dominant Man, the pool certainly gets shallower. In 9+ years I have been fortunate to have had 3 D/s relationships. 3 in 9 years!! It takes patience and much weeding thru the chaff to find the wheat. The best advice I can give is don't give up if its truly what you need in your life. That doesn't lesson the pain that goes with the effort and time spent trying to build something only to be told its not working or even worse being ghosted. That experience isn't unique to just the submissives, it absolutely happens to the Dom's all well. But trust me when you find the Dom that fits for you, you'll find a bliss that you never thought possible.

Needy isn't necessarily bad if you keep it in perspective and don't make those needs unrealistic. When you enter into something with massive amounts of preconcieved ideas of what the dynamic is going to be, that likely won't happen. I always preach that i think a good D/s relationship is a journey and they evolve naturally over the course of time. Really, keeping an open mind might enlighten you to different things you like and don't like.

 

[EdwardsOtherSide]

It seems easy for subs to forget that their Doms can get tired, be ill, have a draining day at work, etc. and need a breather.
Granted, the Dom has to be strong and mature enough to be gentle when they tell their sub that they need some quiet time.

In my experience, it seems to go best when the Dom provides a clear point when things will go back to kinked (because it isn't exactly normal), like "Let me get a good night's sleep and we will pick this up in the morning" or "I have to fix X and Y, then I will be ready to resume".

Of course, depending on the character of the domination, a smart Dom could put it to work, providing guidance for the sub until the Dom returns ("I want you to do a dozen repetitions of Kegels every two hours, and 20 minutes in Nadu facing the wall and meditating on how I will use you when I return. You may not climax. Do your workouts & hydrate." Of course, this would be worked into the play when the Dom returns.)

 

[IrisAlthea]

Granted, the Dom has to be strong and mature enough to be gentle when they tell their sub that they need some quiet time.

That might be a reasonable expectation if it is just seeing each other from time, but in a long term living together relationship people are going to snap at each other at times.
The fact that someone likes being in charge sexually doesn’t mean that they are ready for sainthood.

 

[Daddies_boy2002]

If the same thing keeps happening, maybe adjust either your behaviour, your expectations or the kind of people you're going for. Maybe also not something you want to rush into, trying to get collared as quickly as possible. Maybe establish a friendship first and see if they want to take it further.

 

[eomerson]

I think once again that this is the communication piece. I would say that I am on the very light end of the Dom spectrum and frankly not into the extreme ends of things. Maybe clear expectations would help and if he wont provide clear guidelines...stay away. I was lucky and found a sub that I meshed with. She wanted to be told what to do sexually, wanted to be marked and expected lighter punishment. However, she wanted guidance with her business, personal issues etc. No nipple clamps for our time together but exactly what she wanted and I could provide. If he wont be open....run the other way. Just my two cents from the light end of the spectrum.

 

[fillinginblanks]

This has been a thread full of pretty smart people giving various explanations that make pretty good sense.

One thing I've noticed is that if a relationship starts or exists primarily online (Chels didn't mention if the relationships they found themselves in started out, or primarily existed online -at least from what I can tell reading through the thread) it seems like these days there is less reluctance for folks to just walk away (which is too bad) with only a passing attempt at any explanation. Is Chels too needy? Perhaps, but if someone is trying to keep a relationship going on line, she may just be looking for that daily communication that keeps that spark going.

Being dominant since back before everyone was online, and when all the real fun stuff was primarily IRL (jesus does anyone say IRL anymore?), I noticed when thing started to move online that folks could, would, and did just disappear. I feel like the masks we wear in this online world have only exacerbated folks willingness to hit eject button the minute the other person isnt ticking all the boxes. Back in the meatspace when we didn't know everyone was kinky, you tried to make it work with the only dom or sub you knew in your area even if he could only visit on the weekends.

Hope this doesnt sound like an old man shouts at clouds moment.

 

[Damanhere]

If they are telling you that you're too needy, listen.

Also, having had "a few great" relationships in "almost a year and a half" seems to confirm that. I'd suggest that period of time is enough to have one relationship that you are just beginning to think might be great. Slow down a little.

Believe me I'm no expert on the subject I've been dominant to several women over time and maybe you're putting more effort into it than they are maybe it's just the side to them where it's your whole life that's being dedicated to this they do have a personal life and this is only online so you have to make exceptions and modifications to the relationship to compensate for your availability as well as his availability it has to be give and take on both parts not just yours and not just his to build a relationship and Trust is more than just a normal relationship you're giving something to him and he is giving something back to you although it may seem one way it's a two-way relationship but I think you should still keep looking and not get frustrated just be happy that you aren't stuck with one late would abuse the power or trust and attraction that you have shown them

 

[Lady_Libra_]

People have different ideas how needy is too needy. It doesn't have to be true. Maybe your needs are just greater than someone's capacity to give.

 

[SPARTAN047]

I feel the exact same way as you. I can get attached easily, and I'm very needy, but I've gotten better control of myself when I reply to people.

When I reply to people, I might send two messages in a row and I rarely send a third or fourth now unless they reply. Doesn't matter how many days it takes.

I always respond to every message I get though. If you send me 20 messages I can and will reply to each of the 20 and try to answer everything you asked - unless I'm not interested in you. But I reply to everyone, even the ones I'm not interested in to let them know.

I've even responded to the people who harassed me online and offline for pics, kisses or whatever, unless they become rude or call me names. I've been bullied throughout high school and college so I won't put up with that behaviour anymore.

I've unfortunately ghosted people myself even after a few online exchanges, however, and when I talk to people I can be very pushy about my fantasies or what I want them to do to me. That might be why people walk away, however, I'm generally very willing to do anything my Domme wants within our hard limits.

It's a hard life , though, never easy to have your needs fulfilled and fulfill others' needs. Maybe some people get lucky with their relationships and the rest don't, and that's it.