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Sexless Marriages

Lady2020 said:
I can't decide which is worse, sexless marriage or being single. :)
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IDK, but I'm tired of being single. At least w/ a +1, you have someone to do things w/. Not sure what's wrong w/ me but the past few years the only women I've hooked up w/ are married. I'd rather they not be but for whatever reason, they like me. I'd love to find a single woman I can date for me and not have to compete w/ someone else / be sneaky about it. That's not my style and all. The one I did like a lot, turned out to be married and an alcoholic. She claimed it wasn't a problem but I knew the truth from her stories. Just freaken tired of being alone.
 
39m Back on Lit,
wife recently came to me after a few years of once or twice a year to tell me she has zero interest anymore.
I don't know if I would say my drive is wild, but it is certainly making me stir crazy to be like this. Also really hard on the ego to avoid the thought that it is more about me being unattractive to her more than her not having a drive anymore.
 
portionforfoxes said:
39m Back on Lit,
wife recently came to me after a few years of once or twice a year to tell me she has zero interest anymore.
I don't know if I would say my drive is wild, but it is certainly making me stir crazy to be like this. Also really hard on the ego to avoid the thought that it is more about me being unattractive to her more than her not having a drive anymore.
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This is almost identical to my situation.

49yo, in haven't had sex or any hint of intimacy in over 10 years. Prior to that, it was once it twice a year, and never on a birthday, anniversary, or holiday. She finally came to me one day to tell me that she can live without it and that trying to convince her to have sex would be making her do something she doesn't want to do.

Talk about a blow to the ego. It's like being told that I make your skin crawl and you want no intimacy with me at all.

I don't understand how women can do this, just turn this on our of without regard to your partners feelings. I don't mean to imply that only women do this mind you, I'm sure there are men who do this to, in just have to wonder which is more common.
 
writerzblok92 said:
This is almost identical to my situation.

49yo, in haven't had sex or any hint of intimacy in over 10 years. Prior to that, it was once it twice a year, and never on a birthday, anniversary, or holiday. She finally came to me one day to tell me that she can live without it and that trying to convince her to have sex would be making her do something she doesn't want to do.

Talk about a blow to the ego. It's like being told that I make your skin crawl and you want no intimacy with me at all.

I don't understand how women can do this, just turn this on our of without regard to your partners feelings. I don't mean to imply that only women do this mind you, I'm sure there are men who do this to, in just have to wonder which is more common.
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Yeah, the other tough part about it, was her telling me when I get generally physically affectionate that it makes her feels guilty to say no, so now I have to avoid even little things because I don't want that no matter how much I miss it.
 
I've never been in that situation but I think 2 things would happen: 1 I'd look for it else where and let her know she's pushing me away. 2 I believe I'd get a devorice. Then again, I can't seem to even get a date to save my life. I don't know what it's like to be romantic for a woman. Sorry of any and all similar stories like these sexless lifestyles. Just sucks and that's sad to me.
 
portionforfoxes said:
Yeah, the other tough part about it, was her telling me when I get generally physically affectionate that it makes her feels guilty to say no, so now I have to avoid even little things because I don't want that no matter how much I miss it.
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That's very admirable of you to think that way. I have so much resentment built up that I doubt I'd have sex with her if she came to me and offered it. I just don't even find her sexually desirable anymore.
 
Britva415 said:
I wonder what all these sexless spouses would say if they were asked what fidelity is supposed to mean in this kind of relationship.

Speaking for myself, this is a discussion we're going to have soon.
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I think that a very good question. My late husband was worried I would get another when cancer treatments made him totally unable to sex. The thing is, it had already been sexless for a while - and after his death I found out he had had a lover himself, while he was still able.
 
writerzblok92 said:
This is almost identical to my situation.

49yo, in haven't had sex or any hint of intimacy in over 10 years. Prior to that, it was once it twice a year, and never on a birthday, anniversary, or holiday. She finally came to me one day to tell me that she can live without it and that trying to convince her to have sex would be making her do something she doesn't want to do.

Talk about a blow to the ego. It's like being told that I make your skin crawl and you want no intimacy with me at all.

I don't understand how women can do this, just turn this on our of without regard to your partners feelings. I don't mean to imply that only women do this mind you, I'm sure there are men who do this to, in just have to wonder which is more common.
Click to expand...
I completely agree with you. When my wife said she doesnt want me i was mortified and still am several years later
 
writerzblok92 said:
This is almost identical to my situation.

49yo, in haven't had sex or any hint of intimacy in over 10 years. Prior to that, it was once it twice a year, and never on a birthday, anniversary, or holiday. She finally came to me one day to tell me that she can live without it and that trying to convince her to have sex would be making her do something she doesn't want to do.

Talk about a blow to the ego. It's like being told that I make your skin crawl and you want no intimacy with me at all.

I don't understand how women can do this, just turn this on our of without regard to your partners feelings. I don't mean to imply that only women do this mind you, I'm sure there are men who do this to, in just have to wonder which is more common.
Click to expand...
It’s a form of torture for one’s own purpose. What purpose? I guess just to torment. It’s a power issue or something. Inside of a relationship it should be a recognised as almost abuse. It’s fucking bullshit is what it amounts to. Can’t step outside, can’t do anything inside the marriage. It’s a bullshit trap to satisfy some little need for power. I play it as i don’t fuckin care and ignore her shitty little power play. After a while it feeds itself. And she seems quite happy. Because she’s got side dick. Double fuckin standards. Always. If we divorce she gets to financially take almost every penny. Evil shit is what it is.
 
Lady2020 said:
I can't decide which is worse, sexless marriage or being single. :)
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For me the sexless marriage is worse. Not because of the lack of sex but because someone changes the dynamics of the relationship with total disregard for the other person in it. One person decides it's now a friendship/partnership. That one person also doesn't allow the other person in the partnership to go out and fulfill what most would think of as a basic need for health (according to some science) and mental well-being.

On the other hand, the person who gave it up, didn't do it without a reason. I'm firmly of the very unpopular belief that no one gives up something they really enjoy. Whether it be football, chocolate or sex. Something was wrong and it wasn't easily talked about. Maybe not always but it would be interesting, if people were honest, to be able to get accurate stats on it.

It's not easy being older and single. I get inundated with young lads who've probably watched too much porn or I get married men not getting 'it' at home ... well, gimme one good reason why I should fill that void? The wife still has all the advantages, she's got the company, someone for holidays and to eat with etc, the simple things that actually mean a lot. Call me cynical but none of that actually looks very inviting or of benefit to me.

Single is difficult but there's a possibility of change, I might find my match. An unhappy marriage is a slow form of torture. The pain of it diminishes over the years when numbness kicks in but the resentment just festers.

Single or a sexless marriage? I guess it depends on the quality of everything else in the marriage and whether stability is more important than the possibility of change, and whether you're okay venturing into an unknown world with half of your accumulated money and assets. It's sure not an easy decision.
 
Happily Sexless

My wife just doesn't have as large of a sex drive as me. And some of the things she said sound similar to others posted above. It made me feel like a freek sometimes and when she did say hurtful things it pushed me away and made me resent her and my self. After a while though, we started to open up about our insecurities and our differences. We kept on communicating and came to understanding. There were several things that happened that changed things. Prgnancy and complicatrions of. Insecurities and changes of appearence, Even though I didn't care about the weight she gained I still found her sexy and desired her, but she couldn't find herself sexy or desirable. Mental health hurdles became an issue. The more she shared, the more I understood and accepted that she just doesn't feel the same way about sex as she used to and of course much different than me. It brought us understanding. She accepted the outlets I had to relieve myself, and I accepted her needs and her lack of desire. And we are working on it, the journey isn't over, but there's quite a large possibility this is the way it's going to be.

I love her. That's what's important. While it's not the ideal I would have wanted for myself, it's what I have and we make eachother happy.
 
ICM8781 said:
Happily Sexless

My wife just doesn't have as large of a sex drive as me. And some of the things she said sound similar to others posted above. It made me feel like a freek sometimes and when she did say hurtful things it pushed me away and made me resent her and my self. After a while though, we started to open up about our insecurities and our differences. We kept on communicating and came to understanding. There were several things that happened that changed things. Prgnancy and complicatrions of. Insecurities and changes of appearence, Even though I didn't care about the weight she gained I still found her sexy and desired her, but she couldn't find herself sexy or desirable. Mental health hurdles became an issue. The more she shared, the more I understood and accepted that she just doesn't feel the same way about sex as she used to and of course much different than me. It brought us understanding. She accepted the outlets I had to relieve myself, and I accepted her needs and her lack of desire. And we are working on it, the journey isn't over, but there's quite a large possibility this is the way it's going to be.

I love her. That's what's important. While it's not the ideal I would have wanted for myself, it's what I have and we make eachother happy.
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Sorry to be hear she hasn't been able tp overcome the mental side of it. But I absolutely lovet that you've been able to discuss it all!

I didn't feel too sexy still a year ago - I had a gained weight since I met my late husband, and then the sexless period took my confidence. Some comments here (after his death) made all the difference, though... Even more the online relationship. And now having a partner to practically worship my body. He has literally changed the way I see myself in the mirror.
 
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