Mental Illness

[jaF0]

Mind tremors.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

BPD (borderline personality disorder) is my demon...

 

[twister947]

Mind tremors.

Close enough. Unwelcome and unexpected personality changes, in any case.

 

[jaF0]

It's one of the main reasons I have to limit my time in public. I tend to say shit people don't cotton to.

 

[jaF0]

The screaming inside never stops.

 

[jaF0]

I hate my mind.



The feeling is mutual.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I am my own enemy

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

SO apparently, I'm dissociative.
Apparently, I may have always been dissociative. Subspace was just euphoric dissociation (I'd kill to have that again), and "black zen" was just... "bad dissociation" for lack of a better designation, and the spiders in my mouth after each suicide attempt were perhaps just post-dissociative hallucinations.

It's not happened at all in years. I've been better, more or less, until last week.

It's hard to admit that sometimes I also struggle with solipsism. The whole "I think therefore I am," argument that I can't be sure anything outside my own mind is actually real. That perhaps I am but a brain in a jar. It's plainly ridiculous and yet...

I was staring at a wall, struggling with my latest cornucopia of life stress, and the wall... dissonated. All of reality thrummed wrongly, and for a moment it was like I could feel the jar, and the next thing I knew 2 hours had passed. I used to call this the neutral zone, only the time loss was new.

Smoking gun. My councilor had heard this story before. We have a name. sigh of relief... maybe.

But it's still hard to shake the solipsism. It the middle of what has not yet proven out to be either a great accomplishment or my most spectacular failure yet, I can't shake the notion that maybe none of it is actually real at all. That maybe all of this falling apart world with all of it's suffering is some elaborate cosmological punishment for a crime I can't remember. Not quite that all the suffering is fake, as genuine as any other thing created by whatever god is, but that it's all my fault, and I hate myself for it, and always have.

Yes I'm aware this sounds like an episode of black mirror. I love/ hate that show, but this is much older.

Staggy!

It's always good to see you, even if you feel like you're not doing well.

 

[jennstar]

Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, bipolar 2. So I have a lot of moods.

 

[jaF0]

When will it end ......

 

[jennstar]

Definitely me. I have suffered with depression, less so anxiety, and self esteem issues as well as anger issues. Being on the spectrum doesn’t help. I do and have done a lot of processing to map my emotional life and clarify my own feelings when, as is often the case for me, they are powerful but hard to define.

I think there’s a generalized misconception about dominants and submissives. The only difference between them is a dominant wants to be in control and make the important decisions for both parties, and a submissive wants to relinquish that control.

That’s it. Dominants are not calmer, stronger, smarter, more together or by default ‘better’ in any sense than someone who identifies as submissive.

Dominants can suffer from mental and emotional problems, and submissives can be rock solid and well adjusted neurotypicals.

All I know is I have anxiety up to my eyeballs, amongst other things. Xanax is required. I would never be dominant. thats for sure.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, bipolar 2. So I have a lot of moods.

Same

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Survived another holiday - yay me!

Not one of my kids wished me a HMD yesterday or made any sort of attempt to acknowledge it or me. I keep telling myself not to take it personally, but a lifetime of this gets heavy.

This morning I'm reading up on attachment disorders and I feel both mild relief and a profound sense of grief. A new can of worms to unpack. I'm willing! I'm just... tired.

I feel like I can say with confidence that attachment disorders are a generational thing in my family. Mental illness and abuse go back a solid three generations that I know about for sure, likely further than that. And it's clear that both of my exes had trouble with attachment as well. That's a lot of family history that my kids have inherited.

Does anybody have success stories they can share with me about healing in this area? Any particular forms of therapy or online information that helped achieve some degree of resolution? I've been having trouble finding a good child psychologist in my area, but the search continues...

 

[Tallcajun]

My heart goes out to all of you here.
Some of my family members have had various issues their whole lives. Some cope, some do not.

 

[MrRandyWatson]

I have anxiety and depression along with not figuring out I was on the autism spectrum until my late 30s. I have a lot of unresolved issues I’m just now working through.

I have things that keep me balanced - writing, my career, cannabis and human contact help, but for me, the missing piece of keeping myself balanced is BDSM. It’s not a mental illness or a symptom of one; it’s who I am. I thoroughly love being a sub, and even only having a chance to submit one time in my life, it was absolutely the best sexual experience I’ve ever had.

 

[twister947]

I have a friend who is fighting depression and suicidal thoughts. He has chosen me to lean on. I'm doing my best, but I'm out of my depth...I lost one of my pilots to suicide years ago, don't want to go through that again. Damn, damn...

 

[Wonderer67]

I have a friend who is fighting depression and suicidal thoughts. He has chosen me to lean on. I'm doing my best, but I'm out of my depth...I lost one of my pilots to suicide years ago, don't want to go through that again. Damn, damn...

Will your friend seek help from a professional? Even calling 988 is helpful. May seem like you dumping your buddy off, but they are pros.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I have a friend who is fighting depression and suicidal thoughts. He has chosen me to lean on.

I’m sorry! This is a tough one.

I'm doing my best, but I'm out of my depth...I lost one of my pilots to suicide years ago, don't want to go through that again. Damn, damn...

It is ok to tell them that and it could be a start in finding a way to get them help or get you some support if they already are getting treatment.

May seem like you dumping your buddy off, but they are pros.

This.

And they can help you too, so you can better deal with your friend’s needs and be a support within your depth.

 

[twister947]

Thank you, both, for your input. I do intend to nudge him into some kind of therapy.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Thank you, both, for your input. I do intend to nudge him into some kind of therapy.

And if a nudge won’t do, then shove.

 

[jaF0]

My memories are trying to drive me nuts.

 

[jaF0]

When you're angry so far beyond angry that you're calm .... seethingly calm.

 

[Beholders_Eye]

I am actually doing quite well these days dealing with my own mental health. My medication regime has been about the same for several years now, and works. The psych doctor who has helped me for about 20+ years is still working with me, we speak by telephone once a month so he can check on me.

The odd thing is this: taking deep dives into the world of erotica has been positive for me. It fills in a piece of me that had been empty. I feel more whole and at peace with regular and extended masturbation sessions. Being single provides that opportunity. It is a kind of restorative activity.

To be sure, I take care of myself in other ways as well (exercise, diet, etc.), but these forays into concupiscent reveries have become an essential part of me in the last few years. And feel very healthy. Not sure it would be the same for anyone else, but it is working for me.

 

[emme8]

I guess I should put this here but I suffer from depression and anxiety, plus I'm grieving over my brothers suicide. I've been feeling very alone lately, and lost friends slowly because nobody knows what to say to me. I'm a very loving person, but I'm also sensitive and been told to toughen up. I hate hearing this because it honestly makes me feel worse. I've been loving, sensitive and caring all my life. I've been bottling up my emotions to seem like I'm okay, but I'm sad. I miss my brother dearly. Think of him all the time. I wish I was like everyone else but I feel different, like I can't relate with anyone. It's not my expectations, I just think deeply, feel deeply and look at the world like a picture. I wish someone would get me but only a few ever do, so I feel weird around people I barely know. I see the looks on people's faces as they judge me sometimes, and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I'm quiet, a little shy but once I feel comfy with someone I get along with, I can't shut up. I've been feeling like this lately, and crying, cause I feel alone. Feel like a failure because I couldn't see that my brother was depressed. I hate social media now because it just reminds me how noone speaks to me. I'm rambling on here so I'll stop. I should get some sleep and rest, it's been a very stressful day for me. I just feel very low about myself due to how people treat me.

You remind me of myself several years ago. Just keep trying. It's hell but just keep going. Find the little things you enjoy and do those. Attempt to find new acquaintances around those. It's ok to be sad.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Saw my folks for Christmas, usually a difficult experience for me. This time, despite the fact that nothing was actually any different from any other year, it was okay! Good, even. I'd give it a solid B. I must be growing.

This coming week, one of my gremlins has an appointment with a psych for an assessment. We've had a lot of trouble finding appropriate mental health care in our area, and I'm hopeful about this Dr. I've spoken with him at length over the phone and he seems to know his stuff. We're looking at a probable diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder and disruptive mood disregulation disorder (DMDD). If you're not familiar with DMDD, imagine someone in the worst mood of their life, forever.

Eg., this morning I quietly walked into her room to say hello and her greeting was, 'What the F are you doing in here?' That's pretty much her baseline mood, all day, every day. Plus explosive, angry outbursts. It's exhausting and discouraging. I'm hoping that this assessment will help us turn a corner in her level of care and provide some hope for the future.

Healing and recovery is like slogging through knee-high mud in your wellies. It takes a long damn time! And it's hard work. But we're getting there.