Sexless Marriages

[LittleSwitchy]

Mike
I might not be the most tactful one around. Hell I’m probably to straight forward/ blunt.
Just know it’s coming from a good place.

 

[Strixaluco]

It's ok, nothing to write home about.

I use to say that there things there must be, and mustn't be in a relationship, and the rest should should have a positive net effect.

 

[Mtnmike]

Mike
I might not be the most tactful one around. Hell I’m probably to straight forward/ blunt.
Just know it’s coming from a good place.

No problems, i've been hearing it from friend's for a long time, i'm just not sure I can give up everything we've built just to start over, i'm not a young man anymore.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

If I can chime in.
Would you rather have 1-2 years going through leaving? That or a lifetime of being unhappy in relationship that isn’t working out for you and probably her.

I left a 32 year relationship last year. That was the choice I saw. A couple of years of resettlement and hope of a great future or a lifetime, of however long, in misery/depression.

It's not easy but I'm waking up happy and positive every morning. My life is not perfect but it has possibilities and if I'm fortunate enough to meet a great match in the future I'll end my days happy.

 

[adamISOeve]

If I remember correctly, Cherry Brandy, you spent a good part of your life in and related with the NAVY, correct? Whatever you learned there: it sure kept you feeling young at heart, right?

I bid you good luck in your new life, in any case. And cheers from me too.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

If I remember correctly, Cherry Brandy, you spent a good part of your life in and related with the NAVY, correct? Whatever you learned there: it sure kept you feeling young at heart, right?

I bid you good luck in your new life, in any case. And cheers from me too.

Thank you , yes you're correct. I'm on my new adventure.
Young at heart? Yes ish, mixed with a large dollop of "you only have one life" and a lot of blind faith lol. What's the worst that can happen, I meet a perv on here and live ecstatically ever after .....? Okay that's pushing the faith bit a bit too far but there's a world full of new possibilities now and that's great to wake up to every day.

 

[KeenVoyeur]

Thank you , yes you're correct. I'm on my new adventure.
Young at heart? Yes ish, mixed with a large dollop of "you only have one life" and a lot of blind faith lol. What's the worst that can happen, I meet a perv on here and live ecstatically ever after .....? Okay that's pushing the faith bit a bit too far but there's a world full of new possibilities now and that's great to wake up to every day.

I can't believe you think there are "pervs" on Lit ...
Personally I'd love the chance to keep you in a permanent state of ecstasy but I fear it would kill me (especially if my wife found out!)

 

[KeenVoyeur]

And while I'm kind of talking about my wife, I had a thought last night ... our marriage is sexless because I played away and she withdrew privileges as a condition of me not getting chucked out (probably because I earn enough to keep her in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed and wouldn't have otherwise ...) which in itself is almost a green light for me to play away again if I want to enjoy a sexual relationship (or is that just my way of interpreting it?) BUT what got me was the thought that she rarely if ever kisses me but moans if I don't always kiss her - no French kissing and no groping her arse if I do give her more than a quick peck ...

Is that weird or just me thinking she should maybe occasionally take the lead?

 

[Mtnmike]

And while I'm kind of talking about my wife, I had a thought last night ... our marriage is sexless because I played away and she withdrew privileges as a condition of me not getting chucked out (probably because I earn enough to keep her in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed and wouldn't have otherwise ...) which in itself is almost a green light for me to play away again if I want to enjoy a sexual relationship (or is that just my way of interpreting it?) BUT what got me was the thought that she rarely if ever kisses me but moans if I don't always kiss her - no French kissing and no groping her arse if I do give her more than a quick peck ...

Is that weird or just me thinking she should maybe occasionally take the lead?

If it's weird than I'm in the boat with you, your story sounds like mine, well except I never stepped out on her, with her medical problems & not wanting to do anything about them, has totally killed her libido or any love she had. It gets rough at times but I made a promise, " For Better or Worse ", just didn't know how worse that would be.

 

[KeenVoyeur]

If it's weird than I'm in the boat with you, your story sounds like mine, well except I never stepped out on her, with her medical problems & not wanting to do anything about them, has totally killed her libido or any love she had. It gets rough at times but I made a promise, " For Better or Worse ", just didn't know how worse that would be.

You are a man to be admired for your fortitude Mike ... many (like me) would have sought satisfaction elsewhere
I guess I was too wrapped up in my own needs to take notice of my wife's - kids, work, menopause just took her desire and I was too busy worrying about me and my little friend

 

[Strixaluco]

And while I'm kind of talking about my wife, I had a thought last night ... our marriage is sexless because I played away and she withdrew privileges as a condition of me not getting chucked out (probably because I earn enough to keep her in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed and wouldn't have otherwise ...) which in itself is almost a green light for me to play away again if I want to enjoy a sexual relationship (or is that just my way of interpreting it?) BUT what got me was the thought that she rarely if ever kisses me but moans if I don't always kiss her - no French kissing and no groping her arse if I do give her more than a quick peck ...

Is that weird or just me thinking she should maybe occasionally take the lead?

So basically she chose to keep you but not to forgive you, punishing you indefinitely? Demanding but not giving?

Now while you did wrong cheating her, I think she's doing wrong as well. Either work it out, forgive and work to be able to trust again and continue truly together, or if you can't, just break up. Staying in the middle, frozen in an intermediate phase like that isn't healthy for either of you, not even for her.

Does it have any effect to pay more attention to her? The way you slip it sounds like you've maybe had quite a traditional division in the household, which takes the toll on her as she's working, too. Have you tried taking a bigger share, also of the so-called meta-work and does it make any difference? Because I find it is a way to become closer to each other. Which just may help to solve the problem. (No guarantee though, but you can only change your own behaviour and see how/if it affects the other.)

 

[adamISOeve]

So basically she chose to keep you but not to forgive you, punishing you indefinitely? Demanding but not giving?

Now while you did wrong cheating her, I think she's doing wrong as well. Either work it out, forgive and work to be able to trust again and continue truly together, or if you can't, just break up. Staying in the middle, frozen in an intermediate phase like that isn't healthy for either of you, not even for her.

Does it have any effect to pay more attention to her? The way you slip it sounds like you've maybe had quite a traditional division in the household, which takes the toll on her as she's working, too. Have you tried taking a bigger share, also of the so-called meta-work and does it make any difference? Because I find it is a way to become closer to each other. Which just may help to solve the problem. (No guarantee though, but you can only change your own behaviour and see how/if it affects the other.)

Some great advice, I*d say. And in case you are looking for more, KeenVoyeur, generosity helps a lot also (not demanding but giving, as mentioned by Strixaluco). Here an article of several years ago, with generosity ideas from three researchers on relationships https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

 

[Waywardwench]

Most of the guys who ring sex chatlines are in sexless marriages. No surprise there I guess but at first, it genuinelly shocked me at how many. You get the odd few who at least claim that their girlfriends know they call the lines and even ask them to talk about their calls when they're feeling horny but that's the minority. The one good thing about these guys are though, that (a) they are so f*****g horny and (b) they feel free to explore stuff that they've not tried or at least get off chatting about it

 

[KeenVoyeur]

So basically she chose to keep you but not to forgive you, punishing you indefinitely? Demanding but not giving?

Now while you did wrong cheating her, I think she's doing wrong as well. Either work it out, forgive and work to be able to trust again and continue truly together, or if you can't, just break up. Staying in the middle, frozen in an intermediate phase like that isn't healthy for either of you, not even for her.

Does it have any effect to pay more attention to her? The way you slip it sounds like you've maybe had quite a traditional division in the household, which takes the toll on her as she's working, too. Have you tried taking a bigger share, also of the so-called meta-work and does it make any difference? Because I find it is a way to become closer to each other. Which just may help to solve the problem. (No guarantee though, but you can only change your own behaviour and see how/if it affects the other.)

In a nutshell, kept but not forgiven and punished - maybe lightly in that all I don't get is a sexual relationship - but maybe the better option for me at that time in that I kept my share of the house and family/friends ... I could have left and gone off with the other woman but at a far greater cost I suppose. I'm not sure she wants to forget and forgive - there are times she still brings it up after 15 years - and I think now we've settled into some kind of co-existence where we're "happy" to go on as we do without the physical intimacy.

Paying more attention, giving her gifts and small gestures has little effect, at least as far as intimacy is concerned and I have taken on a bigger share of the workload but presumably still not enough. She is happy for me to continue working 7 days a week (OK, some days I work from home and not for a full 8 hour stretch) because I work for myself and the financial benefits are there for her to enjoy although with Covid and the travel restrictions and now the needs of her (our) aging dog, any chance of a nice holiday just the two of us just hasn't happened. Of course, she would be happy for me to continue working when on holiday too even for just a couple of hours a day ... I should perhaps employ someone else - maybe an 18 year old blonde with no hang-ups about sleeping with the boss to further her career?

I guess it is what it is and may or may not change for the better even if I do completely change my ways ...

 

[Strixaluco]

In a nutshell, kept but not forgiven and punished - maybe lightly in that all I don't get is a sexual relationship - but maybe the better option for me at that time in that I kept my share of the house and family/friends ... I could have left and gone off with the other woman but at a far greater cost I suppose. I'm not sure she wants to forget and forgive - there are times she still brings it up after 15 years - and I think now we've settled into some kind of co-existence where we're "happy" to go on as we do without the physical intimacy.

Paying more attention, giving her gifts and small gestures has little effect, at least as far as intimacy is concerned and I have taken on a bigger share of the workload but presumably still not enough. She is happy for me to continue working 7 days a week (OK, some days I work from home and not for a full 8 hour stretch) because I work for myself and the financial benefits are there for her to enjoy although with Covid and the travel restrictions and now the needs of her (our) aging dog, any chance of a nice holiday just the two of us just hasn't happened. Of course, she would be happy for me to continue working when on holiday too even for just a couple of hours a day ... I should perhaps employ someone else - maybe an 18 year old blonde with no hang-ups about sleeping with the boss to further her career?

I guess it is what it is and may or may not change for the better even if I do completely change my ways ...

Oh dear. 15 years? You strayed, but she keeps on doing you wrong for a lot of longer time. It's not that light when continued for so long.

Now a hard question: is being "happy" together enough really?

 

[KeenVoyeur]

Oh dear. 15 years? You strayed, but she keeps on doing you wrong for a lot of longer time. It's not that light when continued for so long.

Now a hard question: is being "happy" together enough really?

I'm wondering how I haven't strayed again given my liking for sex ...

"Happy" in that I still have my testicles and a comfortable life. Maybe one day I'll confront the elephant in the room and she'll just tell me she isn't interested in sex anyway

 

[Mtnmike]

I'm wondering how I haven't strayed again given my liking for sex ...

"Happy" in that I still have my testicles and a comfortable life. Maybe one day I'll confront the elephant in the room and she'll just tell me she isn't interested in sex anyway

I'm surprised she hasn't already, with you anyway. Not being an ass, just 6-7 year's ago, after one last talk on the subject, she finally told me, she isn't into sex with me or anyone else period !!!!

 

[Strixaluco]

I once stopped fancying any sex with my ex. When I realised I wanted sex but not him, I was finally able to make the final decision and break up, no matter how tough it was.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

I'm surprised she hasn't already, with you anyway. Not being an ass, just 6-7 year's ago, after one last talk on the subject, she finally told me, she isn't in sex with me or anyone else period !!!!

If a someone isn't having sex and it's on hand, they don't want it. They don't have to say it, it's obvious. I still believe that noone gives up something they enjoy without a fight. Unless there's a real disability involved.

Doesn't really matter what the reason is, it's their choice. It's just a pity that they aren't upfront, honest and fair and will give out a hallpass so the the other half of the equation doesn't have to cheat and lie.

 

[BoredAsianWifey]

For my hubby and I, the first year we were doing it 4-5 times a week. After two kids we almost stop having sex. It became once a month to 3 to 4 times a year. Last couple years we try to spice things up. Trying 3some, swap, watching, etc. It helped.

 

[curiouschattycouple]

Exactly! Communicate about your needs, be open, experiment, and support each other.

For my hubby and I, the first year we were doing it 4-5 times a week. After two kids we almost stop having sex. It became once a month to 3 to 4 times a year. Last couple years we try to spice things up. Trying 3some, swap, watching, etc. It helped.

 

[BoredAsianWifey]

Exactly! Communicate about your needs, be open, experiment, and support each other.

In our case, when we started. He got a medical side effect from the vaccine. That push us more trying things we never thought we would try (him watching, swaping, etc).

 

[Mtnmike]

Curious, Bored & Cherry, you three make good points, I implement multiple talks over the year's, tried doing things Dr's & people suggested, might as well been talking to a wall. She has RA, is severely over weight & has depression, I understand all this & the meds she takes affect her libido. I still love & care for her but after that last talk, I guess I kinda shut down as far as any intimacy between us, she doesn't want any kind of affection from me unless she institutes it, which never happens anymore. As hard as it's been, i've learned to deal, no I haven't strayed but i'm now feeling if the opportunity ever presented itself, I would. Does this make me a bad man or husband, I used to think so but idk anymore.

 

[Glorygirl78]

I am surprised to see 2 women respond to this thread. I don't know any guys in their 40's or 50's who don't want sex. I quite wrongly thought this was a guy only problem. I guess you learn something new every day. Thanks for sharing.

Definitely NOT a guy only problem!

 

[adamISOeve]

Curious, Bored & Cherry, you three make good points, I implement multiple talks over the year's, tried doing things Dr's & people suggested, might as well been talking to a wall. She has RA, is severely over weight & has depression, I understand all this & the meds she takes affect her libido. I still love & care for her but after that last talk, I guess I kinda shut down as far as any intimacy between us, she doesn't want any kind of affection from me unless she institutes it, which never happens anymore. As hard as it's been, i've learned to deal, no I haven't strayed but i'm now feeling if the opportunity ever presented itself, I would. Does this make me a bad man or husband, I used to think so but idk anymore.

@Mtnmike, I see you as only one example of unrealistic expectations of husbands on their wives regarding sexual intimacy. And some women like Glorygirl prove that it can also happen the other way around sometimes.

It is possible, of course, that once procreation has happened, the principal aim of Mother Nature (= evolution) has been fulfilled, so no longer any need for sexual intercourse for that reason. Apparently evolution has equipped only men with a drive to to breed more than one woman, and very few women with the same kind of motivation.

Now one would hope that after 50 thousand years of homo sapiens history, women too would have learned to enjoy sex as much as men, but we should ask ourselves: could it be that this NOT happening is related maybe – to repressive societal rituals on women’s sexuality? Like: no sooner had some women learned to really enjoy sex, did men come along and burned them as “witches”.

And the education many women receive from their mothers is not helping matters either. Plus the influence of organized religion is counterproductive in most cases. The trick may be to have such compelling sex when hubby and wifey are still in their prime years, that each woman in a marriage cannot forget this, and will continue wanting it.

But then again, in the 20th century much of popular literature had placed the burden of women reaching orgasms on their men only, quite unfairly so. Whereas in reality, women not blessed with a favorable clitoral anatomy, need to undergo some learning first, before they reach their peak “receptivity”. And of course, her partner’s helping hand or tongue is essential too.

Anyway, Mtnmike, lots of reasons might have been responsible for your situation. I tend to blame Mother Nature the most, for doing 50% of her job or less in motivating many women into craving sexual intimacy. Like some women do; Glorygirl being a notable exception, apparently.