Let's Talk About... Aging, Beauty, Body Image & Identity Crises 💀💀

[aussiegeekygal]

That's so cool. What's the kind of work?

Strategic Consulting

 

[Cotswolds]

Strategic Consulting

Good luck, hope all goes well

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Good luck, hope all goes well

Thanks! I'm working through a huge mindset shift right now. I've been holding myself back and now I've set up a life where I can work part time and still comfortably take care of the family. It feels pretty good.

 

[Cotswolds]

Thanks! I'm working through a huge mindset shift right now. I've been holding myself back and now I've set up a life where I can work part time and still comfortably take care of the family. It feels pretty good.

More power to you. Gone are the dsys (I hope) of being chained to mind numbing jobs. Times have changed. Go out there and get it. Am I right in thinking it's the medical field you work in?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

More power to you. Gone are the dsys (I hope) of being chained to mind numbing jobs. Times have changed. Go out there and get it. Am I right in thinking it's the medical field you work in?

Yes. Quite observant

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I just went into business for myself and landed my first contract. This is massive growth for me, doing the kind of work I'm really good at with people who really need it and charging what I want. It feels ballsy and fucking terrifying and everything. This is massive growth for me, emotionally. I'm learning to tolerate discomfort and do the thing anyways. #lifeanal

Yes, girl! Ballsy and terrifying, that's where it's at. Learning to sit with that discomfort is such a big thing.

Congrats on your massive growth!

 

[Cotswolds]

Yes. Quite observant

It's probably the same over there, but here the price of anything medical related is high, and contractors can do very well. I had my own business for many years and it was great with regards to work/life balance at the begining. I pushed it too hard after time and it became too much. But I'm sure you'll have more sense than I did.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

It's probably the same over there, but here the price of anything medical related is high, and contractors can do very well. I had my own business for many years and it was great with regards to work/life balance at the begining. I pushed it too hard after time and it became too much. But I'm sure you'll have more sense than I did.

It's stupid. The whole industry is a mess. We have an entire additional administrative layer of waste here that's infuriating.
I definitely feel that gremlin telling me to go big, but my entire reason for doing this is so that I can stimulate the parts of my brain that need it and still have loads of time for myself, my marriage, and my kids. It'll take me a while to figure it out, but I need this so bad and I'm working through my feelings of worthiness around it all

And, I have dreamed about being a medic. There's still hope for me yet.

 

[Cotswolds]

It's stupid. The whole industry is a mess. We have an entire additional administrative layer of waste here that's infuriating.
I definitely feel that gremlin telling me to go big, but my entire reason for doing this is so that I can stimulate the parts of my brain that need it and still have loads of time for myself, my marriage, and my kids. It'll take me a while to figure it out, but I need this so bad and I'm working through my feelings of worthiness around it all

And, I have dreamed about being a medic. There's still hope for me yet.

It's clear you've got the correct attitude starting out. Biggest learning point for me was; it's just as important to know when to say no, as it is to say yes. Don't bite off more than you can chew.

Also, being a medic, of course there's hope. I did it at 39, the best thing I ever did.

 

[HoneyMeadows]

Comfort zone: I've been in one for the last 4 years. I'm finishing up that comfort zone this week and I'm terrified. I have so many plans but I need to rest. This next year will be much better but I've got to pace myself.

I am attending a day out by myself later this year. I'm so excited for it!

 

[cheekygirl75]

Comfort zone: I've been in one for the last 4 years. I'm finishing up that comfort zone this week and I'm terrified. I have so many plans but I need to rest. This next year will be much better but I've got to pace myself.

I am attending a day out by myself later this year. I'm so excited for it!

You've got this!!!

 

[JK515914]

Responding to the original poster’s questions…

So where are you? and how do you feel about it?
I'm in my mid-30s and I feel like I've ticked most of the boxes my parents raised me to pursue: university; career; wife; financially secure; mortgage...but to be completely honest, when it comes to emotional introspection I am a complete stranger to myself. I did my undergraduate degree in Psychology to try and get a better understanding of myself and I have no clue. My mood range is 5-7 / 10 and it doesn't appear to go above or dip below that for more than a day, regardless of what's happening in my life. I know that a lot of people struggle with their mental health, so I've decided not to question it anymore and just be glad that my default setting is "vaguely content".

What are you currently working on? Where are you struggling, and where do you feel like you've been making progress?
I struggle with work / life balance and my physical health. Over the course of the pandemic I've tried to teach myself to accept the things I can't change and invest the extra mental / emotional resources into things I can change.

What is your relationship to your body?
It's a work in progress - but I'm working on it. I stopped smoking a year ago next week and I've dropped about 30lbs in the last year. I'm trying to shift my focus from losing weight to just enjoying the progress I've made so far and instilling healthy habits for the future.

Do you see yourself as valuable, worthy and deserving of a rich, fulfilling life?
I have no idea how I value myself - but I think so. I was recently given the opportunity to deliver a series of lectures to college students and I've also started mentoring some junior staff members at work. I was so scared and had the biggest case of impostor syndrome I've ever felt in my life, but helping others to build a career for themselves has been incredibly rewarding and makes me feel valuable.

Are you mostly content with the person you've become and the life that you've created, or if not, what changes would you like to make?
I am the type of person who sets goals and pursues them to completion. I like that about myself. The only change I think I should make is to take more time to recognise and appreciate what I have, instead of always focusing on chasing down the next "thing" I want to accomplish.

 

[Paligirl]

So where are you? and how do you feel about it?
I've been married for 24 years. Its hard. We dont connect intimately. It used to be so easy, but after kids...it all changed. My dream didnt present in reality. Sure, two kids, husband that adores me, good physical health. But...The kids had/have issues...big ones, and I wasnt equipped and my husband wasnt present...he didnt help. I felt totally undone by my choices and dreams as they Actually Manifested. To be honest, I'm disappointed and feel...like I'm trying to regroup now as my son is floundering and not launching and my Them is out of place everywhere. At this point I'm not putting everything into trying to manage my sons behavior and get him to BE in the world. Im not hovering over my Them with expectations. So I feel sad about where they are and how powerless I am. I looked at myself and knew that I could only work on myself. Aging is presenting in such unpleasant ways. So fuck this getting older nonsense. I am not digging it.
What are you currently working on? Me, in every way possible. The spiritual, physical, and mental. I'm hoping that these activities drive my life to a higher place where my acceptance of the circumstances and the reconciliation with my disappointment and sadness shifts to a wisdom that I can maybe embrace, share, and make sense of.
Where are you struggling, and where do you feel like you've been making progress? I struggle with the slow progess of climbing out of what felt like...a disaster zone of about 10 years. Like PTSD, no shit. I feel like Im making some progress. I dont take on the Sole Responsibility for my children's lives. I wore myself out. And while the progress is slow...I'm taking care of myself now. I know that no-one is showing up. I have to take care of me. I neglected/abandoned myself for years. So I sit down to eat 3 meals a day, exercise-take the time for myself, have hobbies and projects. And I'm working.
What is your relationship to your body? This is an interesting one for me. Im in great shape. Feel strong, and vital. I can do shit! lol. I'm not happy about the Weird Shit that happens as I get older...eyesight, high blood pressure (?!), sleep disorders, hot flashes (?!). These things can fuck right off! I am not in acceptance of this...but the mirror doesnt lie. Sun damage is real. Just trying to stay ahead of what might happen...eat well, sleep, drink lots of water...I dont want to suffer anymore, anyway...
Do you see yourself as valuable, worthy and deserving of a rich, fulfilling life? I am valuable insofar as I can help other people get and stay sober/abstinant. On that score I am worthy of sobriety. I dont know what I deserve. Truly. Deserve has always struck me as entitlement.
Are you mostly content with the person you've become and the life that you've created, or if not, what changes would you like to make?
Meh, content enough...some days are better than others. I'm an ok mom. As a wife...I think he would say great, and I dont want to argue...but I try. I'm a really good and loyal friend. I find ways to be creative and helpful. I'm working on the changes daily...of wanting to feel free of burdens I create for myself. Its
old trauma, new trauma...my lack of resiliency in the face of what I went through with the kids...I am here for myself, working to change my perspective and grounding to a higher level of awareness, recovery, hope, and well being in relationship to myself and others.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Being a mother has been a huge part of my identity over the past 35 years. There have been times when it nearly swallowed me up, and there have been times when I dove in head first. One aspect of personal growth that I've begun to address over the past few years but would like to put more focus on this year is answering the question: besides being a mother, who am I? If I had never had children, or if they all died suddenly in an accident (God forbid), or when they're all grown and gone, what will be left? Who is Honey besides a mother? And who do I want to be?

Nine years ago I left an abusive marriage (it took several more years to secure my own place and get him out of our lives, but that's another story), and when I did, it felt as though all of my dreams crashed and burned. No more being a wife, no more being a SAHM, no more babies. As painful as it was, it was relatively easy to let them go, knowing that whatever the future held, it would eventually also include peace and healing and wholeness.

It's been four years since we got our own home, and I'd say another two years of us struggling to find a new normal. But the past two years or so I've been working hard to put myself together as a human, as a woman, and this question keeps popping up. It's been good food for thought, but the answers have seemed elusive. Probably more accurately, the people pleaser inside of me has been reluctant to take a stand and say, This is who I am, and give myself permission to invest in her and make her a priority.

So that's one of my challenges for the coming year - owning myself, placing a higher value on myself as a person than I have in the past, and exploring my potential.

Whew! It's a big job. But I do love a new creative project!

 

[cascadiabound]

This is such an important topic. And so damn confusing.
As I age I feel my body is betraying me, letting me down and failing all at once. It is a toxic stew of emotions that tends to make things spiral worse rather than better. Frankly it is making me begin to understand the cliché of why women become uninterested in sex after children, or after menopause... or whenever hormonal changes undermine everything.

I am SO much slower to heat up now. And I hate that more than I can frankly articulate. so much so it drove me to tears and emotional self flaggelation just this morning.
Le sigh.
There is a way around it, but it takes time and whole body attention... hyper focus on genitalia is a loser. It feels like I have to completely relearn my own sexuality... and it is unclear if I have a partner willing to start back at square one with all the requisite wooing and teasing. And my heart breaks that without that willing partner the next decades look pretty bleak for an active healthy sex life.

Yup. Downer post. Sorry folks.

 

[Photog1rl]

This is such an important topic. And so damn confusing.
As I age I feel my body is betraying me, letting me down and failing all at once. It is a toxic stew of emotions that tends to make things spiral worse rather than better. Frankly it is making me begin to understand the cliché of why women become uninterested in sex after children, or after menopause... or whenever hormonal changes undermine everything.

I am SO much slower to heat up now. And I hate that more than I can frankly articulate. so much so it drove me to tears and emotional self flaggelation just this morning.
Le sigh.
There is a way around it, but it takes time and whole body attention... hyper focus on genitalia is a loser. It feels like I have to completely relearn my own sexuality... and it is unclear if I have a partner willing to start back at square one with all the requisite wooing and teasing. And my heart breaks that without that willing partner the next decades look pretty bleak for an active healthy sex life.

Yup. Downer post. Sorry folks.

Ok. Just jumping right in here. If it’s out of place please let me know.

I feel this on many levels. For me it was an illness that I didn’t know I hadthat started the cycle. Three years of feeling like I was off and then more thinking I was dying. Many days in bed unable to do anything after working for the day. The solution is a medication that causes weight gain. I am so grateful to be feeling more balanced but I now have to work against weight gain and all that that entails. I’ve never been a small lady and I know my body but watching my weight increase without any ability to stop it was scary AF. I became depressed. It caused a separation between my husband and myself. He was patient and loves me but we are further apart.
Menopause has one foot in the door but for me this has meant a hyper sex drive. Paired with a partner that is not really interested in me and the rejection this brings is heartbreaking.

I had to find ways to feel sexy and desirable again. I started with lingerie and documented with photos-it helped me feel so much better. Determined to stimulate my own mind and body so I could continue to be the sexual being that I need to be.

Being slow to warm is not uncommon but we often do not allow ourselves the space and time to do it. Maybe it is time to explore new things to entice and arouse?

 

[Deleted member 6568729]

Hi Honey! One of the things that keeps bringing me back to Lit is that it's one of the few places where I'm more than wife and mom. I can just be me, and sometimes that's just what I need.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

This is such an important topic. And so damn confusing.
As I age I feel my body is betraying me, letting me down and failing all at once. It is a toxic stew of emotions that tends to make things spiral worse rather than better. Frankly it is making me begin to understand the cliché of why women become uninterested in sex after children, or after menopause... or whenever hormonal changes undermine everything.

I am SO much slower to heat up now. And I hate that more than I can frankly articulate. so much so it drove me to tears and emotional self flaggelation just this morning.
Le sigh.
There is a way around it, but it takes time and whole body attention... hyper focus on genitalia is a loser. It feels like I have to completely relearn my own sexuality... and it is unclear if I have a partner willing to start back at square one with all the requisite wooing and teasing. And my heart breaks that without that willing partner the next decades look pretty bleak for an active healthy sex life.

Yup. Downer post. Sorry folks.p

Not a downer at all!

Thank you for sharing because I am noticing the same thing inside me. I've been exploring Emily Nagoski's work and all things sex science. Knowing how my body works is helping me be okay with the changes. It's frustrating AF to be in this shit hole season of almost asexuality. I know I like sex. I know I'm good at sex. I know I'm better to be around when I feel sexy. And yet my life has so much going on right now taking that previous energy I need to be a fucking purring goddess. I can still tap into that, but it takes careful planning and an intentional approach and truth is- sometimes that's just too much work.

I'm slowly clawing my way back to freedom.
I'm back at work doing things that light me on fire.
I've got a nanny who takes a huge weight off my shoulders during the week.
I'm spending time alone. By myself. Just doing whatever I want to do and that makes me feel good. I don't take that time enough, but I'm getting better at making it a priority.
I'm working out.
I still suck at feeding myself.

And still I struggle to figure out what is going on with me sexually.

I hear you on the partner front, because for all my sexual growth, my husband's growth has affirmed his sense of wanting to stay closed in marriage. So I'm stuck in this place of limbo and trying to work out how I met my needs with only him?

There are guys out there who are incredible, attentive lovers. I wish you many of those in your future.

 

[cascadiabound]

Misled About Menopause

An interesting read (though quite long) from the NYT about the history of ERT benefits/risks and how poorly understood women's health matters are in the perimenopausal through post menopausal period (which we know can easily be 20+ years)

"Imagine that some significant portion of the male population started regularly waking in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, a problem that endured for several years. Imagine that those men stumbled to work, exhausted, their morale low, frequently tearing off their jackets or hoodies during meetings and excusing themselves to gulp for air by a window. Imagine that many of them suddenly found sex to be painful, that they were newly prone to urinary-tract infections, with their penises becoming dry and irritable, even showing signs of what their doctors called “atrophy.” Imagine that many of their doctors had received little to no training on how to manage these symptoms — and when the subject arose, sometimes reassured their patients that this process was natural, as if that should be consolation enough.

Now imagine that there was a treatment for all these symptoms that doctors often overlooked."

 

[PlayfulLilDarlin]

I guess this is the point where people get to know me, maybe more than they want to.

So where are you? and how do you feel about it? I'm in my late 30s and still have no idea how I got here. I swear I was in my 20s last year, but of course I wasn't. I do know that I lost a lot of years in a bad relationship/marriage. And when I say bad I mean I got out alive and that is about the best I can say. I feel like I am working harder than ever and yet I am adrift. I am the youngest child and I thought that was supposed to mean I got spoiled right? But I'm the only single one, the only nonhomeowner, the only one who hasn't made some sort of mark. Or maybe that's just how I feel being the childless singleton of the family. I don't have long term plans ad not sure what I even want long term because I am focused on getting through the now.

What are you currently working on? Where are you struggling, and where do you feel like you've been making progress? The marriage did a number on me, knocked my self-worth and self-esteem pretty well to zero. To the point that he had me believing lifelong friends and my own family didn't want me around, so I'd better behave, fall into line, be what he wanted. A decade of that will grind you down and people who know me now would not have recognized me then. I've come a long way back to being me and that took time and energy and is sometimes a daily struggle. I still ave a tendency to far too easily put other people before me in terms of needs, and I am the hypocrite who will point out to other to put their own mask on first. Like I know how I should do these things and sometimes I get it right, but it's something I have to be mindful of.

What is your relationship to your body? It exists? LOL I don't know honestly. And having to type that should be a big damn clue for me. I am not as much anything as I would like to be. I do know how to please myself so there is that. I've always wanted to grow my hair long, so I did that, and it makes me happy. I can't change my height or my boring brown eyes. I probably need to sit down and really think bout this whole thing and reconnect with me, so that will go on the list.

Do you see yourself as valuable, worthy and deserving of a rich, fulfilling life? Oh boy, see there is the question. The spiteful voice of my ex tells me no, he had me right on the edge of not wanting to be a burden to the world, so I just won't. That is a dark place to come back from. I want to be worthy; I see so much worthiness in the world and want to help others be happy and secure and successful. I don't think I'm entirely sure how to make that a reality. To what end I can make myself happy and fulfilled I have with reminders of what inspires me and gives me happiness but those tend to be things that are tangible and it the introspection that needs the work, I think.

Are you mostly content with the person you've become and the life that you've created, or if not, what changes would you like to make? No. I can admit I am honestly not. And I don't feel I have some of the things I think I do deserve. I am aware that by being put in the emotional state I was at the time of the divorce I was literally put back almost 12 years in what I had accomplished. A business, a house, cars, reputation, friends all of it gone. I've had to rebuild from where I was basically in my early 20s. I want more for me, from me, from those around me. The only person I am emotionally attached to present is an IRL friend who is married and we've agreed that nothing will ever be done that would cause an issue there. I can honestly say I love her, but it's not a relationship that we can have more deeply that an intense and loving friendship. I also adore her husband and he is a genuinely wonderful man who I would never do anything to hurt either. So I found my soulmate and that's impossible. Maybe I can find another connection out there that is fulfilling, that would be my hope.

Stable yet floundering

 

[cascadiabound]

I guess this is the point where people get to know me, maybe more than they want to.

So where are you? and how do you feel about it? I'm in my late 30s and still have no idea how I got here. I swear I was in my 20s last year, but of course I wasn't. I do know that I lost a lot of years in a bad relationship/marriage. And when I say bad I mean I got out alive and that is about the best I can say. I feel like I am working harder than ever and yet I am adrift. I am the youngest child and I thought that was supposed to mean I got spoiled right? But I'm the only single one, the only nonhomeowner, the only one who hasn't made some sort of mark. Or maybe that's just how I feel being the childless singleton of the family. I don't have long term plans ad not sure what I even want long term because I am focused on getting through the now.

What are you currently working on? Where are you struggling, and where do you feel like you've been making progress? The marriage did a number on me, knocked my self-worth and self-esteem pretty well to zero. To the point that he had me believing lifelong friends and my own family didn't want me around, so I'd better behave, fall into line, be what he wanted. A decade of that will grind you down and people who know me now would not have recognized me then. I've come a long way back to being me and that took time and energy and is sometimes a daily struggle. I still ave a tendency to far too easily put other people before me in terms of needs, and I am the hypocrite who will point out to other to put their own mask on first. Like I know how I should do these things and sometimes I get it right, but it's something I have to be mindful of.

What is your relationship to your body? It exists? LOL I don't know honestly. And having to type that should be a big damn clue for me. I am not as much anything as I would like to be. I do know how to please myself so there is that. I've always wanted to grow my hair long, so I did that, and it makes me happy. I can't change my height or my boring brown eyes. I probably need to sit down and really think bout this whole thing and reconnect with me, so that will go on the list.

Do you see yourself as valuable, worthy and deserving of a rich, fulfilling life? Oh boy, see there is the question. The spiteful voice of my ex tells me no, he had me right on the edge of not wanting to be a burden to the world, so I just won't. That is a dark place to come back from. I want to be worthy; I see so much worthiness in the world and want to help others be happy and secure and successful. I don't think I'm entirely sure how to make that a reality. To what end I can make myself happy and fulfilled I have with reminders of what inspires me and gives me happiness but those tend to be things that are tangible and it the introspection that needs the work, I think.

Are you mostly content with the person you've become and the life that you've created, or if not, what changes would you like to make? No. I can admit I am honestly not. And I don't feel I have some of the things I think I do deserve. I am aware that by being put in the emotional state I was at the time of the divorce I was literally put back almost 12 years in what I had accomplished. A business, a house, cars, reputation, friends all of it gone. I've had to rebuild from where I was basically in my early 20s. I want more for me, from me, from those around me. The only person I am emotionally attached to present is an IRL friend who is married and we've agreed that nothing will ever be done that would cause an issue there. I can honestly say I love her, but it's not a relationship that we can have more deeply that an intense and loving friendship. I also adore her husband and he is a genuinely wonderful man who I would never do anything to hurt either. So I found my soulmate and that's impossible. Maybe I can find another connection out there that is fulfilling, that would be my hope.

Stable yet floundering

No single emogi can possibly respond to all this. I just want to hug you and tell you how amazing you are that you were able to extricate yourself from such a toxic situation with so little support. Your honesty is a thing of beauty and your capacity to find your path is far greater than I suspect you give yourself credit for.
I don't know what the right/best words for you are right now, so just know that I am rooting for you. Huge

 

[PlayfulLilDarlin]

No single emogi can possibly respond to all this. I just want to hug you and tell you how amazing you are that you were able to extricate yourself from such a toxic situation with so little support. Your honesty is a thing of beauty and your capacity to find your path is far greater than I suspect you give yourself credit for.
I don't know what the right/best words for you are right now, so just know that I am rooting for you. Huge

That is incredibly kind, and it took me a while to work up a response. I appreciate your candor and friendliness. I'm not sure there are things anyone else but me can answer and it will take time and self-honesty to get there, but just the care and kindness is a reassurance.

 

[cascadiabound]

Misled About Menopause

An interesting read (though quite long) from the NYT about the history of ERT benefits/risks and how poorly understood women's health matters are in the perimenopausal through post menopausal period (which we know can easily be 20+ years)

"Imagine that some significant portion of the male population started regularly waking in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, a problem that endured for several years. Imagine that those men stumbled to work, exhausted, their morale low, frequently tearing off their jackets or hoodies during meetings and excusing themselves to gulp for air by a window. Imagine that many of them suddenly found sex to be painful, that they were newly prone to urinary-tract infections, with their penises becoming dry and irritable, even showing signs of what their doctors called “atrophy.” Imagine that many of their doctors had received little to no training on how to manage these symptoms — and when the subject arose, sometimes reassured their patients that this process was natural, as if that should be consolation enough.

Now imagine that there was a treatment for all these symptoms that doctors often overlooked."

This was published today in follow up
Misled About Menopause part 2