Let's Talk About... Aging, Beauty, Body Image & Identity Crises 💀💀

[cascadiabound]

Self love is way more complicated than just... all men find all women beautiful, just see yourself through "my" eyes. If a person thinks through whatever their own insecurities revolve around (and we ALL have insecurities about something....ability to do math, make stuff with your hands, draw a straight line, speak publically, receding hairline etc etc), it quickly becomes clear enough.

Made me think of this poem from W.B.Yeats:


If I make the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And the lips more scarlet,
Or ask if all be right
From mirror after mirror,
No vanity's displayed:
I'm looking for the face I had
Before the world was made.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I think is just in a woman’s makeup to doubt their beauty and their body.

I don't think you're giving us much credit there...

And genuinely- why do you think this is the case?

 

[cascadiabound]

I don't think you're giving us much credit there...

And genuinely- why do you think this is the case?

Agreed. @zipper01us has made an outrageous generalization and rather sexist besides. or more likely tone deaf and naive.

 

[Mrtenant]

I know I may come off douchey sometimes. I am hoping this is taken in the way it is meant when I say I am impressed. Truly.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

(I just got this )

Nice

(I tried to quote Fara's self repost/self approval demonstration )

 

[zipper01us]

Agreed. @zipper01us has made an outrageous generalization and rather sexist besides. or more likely tone deaf and naive.

Not at all I just think there is a beauty in all women. They are a unique form that need to be loved and carressed !

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Not at all I just think there is a beauty in all women. They are a unique form that need to be loved and carressed !

You may not think so, but yes, it was all of the things Cascadia mentioned.

Impact matters as much as intent, my friend.

 

[zipper01us]

You may not think so, but yes, it was all of the things Cascadia mentioned.

Impact matters as much as intent, my friend.

I don’t understand I’m just saying I think all women are beautiful in their own way !

 

[zipper01us]

You need a bigger shovel for that hole, friend. I get your intent is good.
Now, shhh, and listen. Talk about YOU, not us.

Well I’m sorry people can’t take a compliment !

 

[zipper01us]

Oh, FFS!!!

I don’t make a habit of talking about myself !

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Poor bugger. He meant well. He's just not used to our breed of strong woman me thinks. Sad, really

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I don’t make a habit of talking about myself !

In that case you're probably in the wrong place right here. No hard feelings, just vulnerability

 

[zipper01us]

In that case you're probably in the wrong place right here. No hard feelings, just vulnerability

I am more than confident in myself and no what I stand for !

 

[zipper01us]

Poor bugger. He meant well. He's just not used to our breed of strong woman me thinks. Sad, really

There’s a big difference in a strong woman and a confident one !

 

[aussiegeekygal]

What are the differences?
I can do with a good mansplain. It’s been awhile.

Yup.
I'm done trying. It's time to watch.

 

[zipper01us]

What are the differences?
I can do with a good mansplain. It’s been awhile.

You can be mentally strong and even physically, that doesn’t mean your confident enough to not have to try and show it !

 

[SassySheDevil]

Are there really no threads that are safe for men anymore? Good lord. You can all admit that you realize he had good intentions. Yet you are just going to pile on and tell him he's sexist for saying that all women are beautiful in their own way, and they shouldn't be so hard on themselves. Isn't that something we ladies tell one another every fucking day??

You can come tell me not to be so hard on myself Zipper. I can use the pep talk from time to time.

 

[jason28053]

Are there really no threads that are safe for men anymore? Good lord. You can all admit that you realize he had good intentions. Yet you are just going to pile on and tell him he's sexist for saying that all women are beautiful in their own way, and they shouldn't be so hard on themselves. Isn't that something we ladies tell one another every fucking day??

You can come tell me not to be so hard on myself Zipper. I can use the pep talk from time to time.

It’s why I don’t contribute to this thread.

 

[Diosax]

It’s why I don’t contribute to this thread.

poor you

Give me back my link

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I mean this one with sincerity, too.

What does "safe for men" mean?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

tell him he's sexist for saying that all women are beautiful in their own way,

This isn't what happened.

I questioned his statement about women being built to doubt ourselves and it all kinda fell apart from there.

I know his heart was in the right place and he also was super sloppy with his delivery. It just didn't land well with quite a few of us and instead of listening to what we had to say he talked over us. His loss

 

[cascadiabound]

You can be mentally strong and even physically, that doesn’t mean your confident enough to not have to try and show it !

Oh FFS. Seriously dude sit down and listen/read. You have a lot to learn about women. This is not an attack and I do believe your intent comes from a good heart. However, if you will pay attention to the series of very smart women who have responded to your comments it should be abundantly clear that they are misguided and not being taken well. I don't believe any of the women who have posted in this thread have any problems regarding our self confidence. Part of the serious conversation here is about the interior self talk (both men and women and gender non-conforming) engage in can be difficult to manage/change. Life experience and aging provide a lot of perspective and wisdom. I know I am healthier and have clearer boundaries and am better at self care than when I was younger. Am I beautiful? Damn right I am. Do I have a beautiful soul, heart and mind? Damn straight. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm good enough. I am. Nonetheless, I have stuff to work on. And will for the rest of my life (recall I said in my initial post on this thread that life long learning is one of my core characteristics), and look forward to leaning in to the new. I don't need you or anyone else to tell me generally and without specificity that I am an amazing example of womanhood. I am intelligent, creative, competent, powerful, have a spine of steel, am able, wise, confident, and beautiful through and through.

 

[SassySheDevil]

I mean this one with sincerity, too.

What does "safe for men" mean?

Every time a man speaks around here these days. People are finding ways to rip it apart and tell him he's wrong, he's sexist, he's a bigot, he's a misogynist etc. For goodness sakes. Pretty soon he'll be told that standing up to pee is wrong. I've said this a million times now and I won't stop. If you want to teach men (general you) the correct terminology or whatever the fuck it is that you all (general you) are upset about. Do it with kindness. Not pile ons. How does this help?

" hey zipper. We understand you were trying to compliment her/women. But maybe a better approach would be..."

I came in here because I'm so fucking hard on myself that I wanted to come remind myself that I'm not the only one who does it. Maybe hope for a little Woman to Woman uplifting. But no. The one guy that tried to compliment a Woman by saying he thinks all women are beautiful and not to be so hard on herself. was told that he was sexist.

 

[Mrtenant]

Who am I?

I am me. Evidently. I am caring, forgiving, strong in mind, body, and spirit. Creative, not too serious. I am concerned for the future for children when I am dead. I rarely stress about anything. I am excellent to be with in a difficult situation. Introverted- I have to take breaks away from people. I am no saint. My fuckups are legendary. I am a shitty driver. I have totalled 7 cars. I am an audiophile. A visual artist. And I tell a good tale. I am not terribly afraid to be weak from time to time. I am human after all. No one can be strong 100% all the time. I have learned to be okay with occasional instances of my own weakness or failure. I know, really know, how to pick myself up and get back in the game, learn from my mistakes. I won’t stand for anyone fucking with me about it. Though I can take critique- there is a difference. And I look out for people that are struggling too, encourage where I can, defend when I can. I love strategy. I play Chess and Texas Hold em. Hit me up for a game, I’ll kick your ass. I used to think I was smart, until I met really smart people. It’s humbling. Love the outdoors. Great at backyard barbecue and drinking beer.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Ha! Grow up?! Much the same as I am now. I used to want to be an astronaut, be in the Olympics, be a father worthy of the title. And then my parents passed away just as I was entering into adulthood. Growing up took on a different meaning for awhile. I think I managed being a father worthy of the title.

How do I fit in to my world, and how do I want to fit in - or not?

I am the person that no one has to worry about and rarely does. Steady as they come. Until I’m not. It is both a blessing and a curse. I do ask for help, when appropriate. I help any who ask for it, if I can. All my people know this. I am most definitely not interested in whatever popularity contest games that people play, and that is also obvious. I am also the person that people know - give me a minute, and I will turn anything into an adventure- sometimes you might not want. I know that conflicts with my first sentence in this section, but so what, I am complex. I really enjoy laughter and smiles. The world can be a cruel hard place. What can we do to make it better? Laugh and smile with one person at a time. I am not part of any IN crowd or popular crowd. It used to matter to me. I don’t care now. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I am truly okay with that. It gives me the space to be alone when I need or want.

Where do I belong, and where are my people?

I belong with my family. I belong at my job. I belong in places where I am doing things whether it be work or play. I do not belong on the couch- just ask my therapist! My people are creative and industrial- busy. I also belong in the world of visual art. Occasionally, I belong at the bar of the pub down the street.

When will I feel like I have 'arrived'? Or at least feel that I've crossed over from 'you're freezing cold' to 'you're getting warmer!'?

Years ago, a couple years after my parents passed away, when I was 20 years old, I decided on a purpose. My descendants will not have to endure the struggles I went through- am going through. This meant to me, creating a future where there is always enough, if not plenty, in material goods and wealth. Good, if not great parenting. Setting an example of caring and help for my people. My people include anyone I say is my people. I will have arrived when I purchase that land with many acres that can be a retreat for me and my people from the insanities of the world.

I'm confident that I'm not having a mid-life crisis as much as simply another installment in the ongoing process of reevaluating my life, although some of the issues are particular to where I am in my life cycle.
So where are you? and how do you feel about it?

Yea, I had the midlife crisis. It fucking sucked and my fuckups were bad bad bad. I have a lot of compassion for people that go through internal struggles and are striving to deal with them in healthy ways because of it.

Crisis. I had lost all sense of myself. I no longer felt in any way to be the young god I was before I got married. Blame it on the marriage? Nah. That’s too easy and incorrect, mostly. Problems are a lot more complex than we know how to deal with at times or even describe. The unease and insecurities of months had boiled up and I found that I wanted my old self back. Then, I was super responsible, tied to one lover who seemed to no longer share my level of libido, family responsibilities, work, and now had zero time for anything else and felt no appreciation and felt constantly harassed and belittled. I was stuck in my own head. I questioned and doubted myself at every turn. Those were some difficult years. I did things completely out of character and more than a little embarrassing. I was not good, courageous, strong, helpful, or very nice. I was weak and I was emotionally hurting, a lot. I could have handled that better in so many different ways. I failed, badly. I did recover though, mostly. Changed. Personal crises will do that. It took years to rebuild myself and learn to trust in who I am. Makes me feel so fucking stupid sometimes. Part of recovering is knowing how dreadful were my mistakes and that I could pick myself up and be a better version of myself. It is always a work in progress. There were setbacks. I was/am determined that would not be how I would be remembered.

I now feel I am the older version of my younger self, complete with a dark stain on my personal history. It is humbling.

What are you currently working on? Where are you struggling, and where do you feel like you've been making progress?

I am working on injecting more art into my life. Art changes the world and makes lasting impacts for, potentially, generations. I struggle to make more time for it. I am currently teaching myself to play guitar. I really suck at it. I suck at singing also, though I love to. My singing voice is shit.

I have been struggling with my people dying these last few years. There are few people I can really call friends. It is inevitable, yes, but still sharply painful when it occurs. I wonder if I could have been a better friend, or how can I be a good friend to my friends who have lost family members. I don’t know if I am doing any of it right. I do the best I can and with what I know and learn. Death has been tapping into feelings I experienced whe my parents died at age 18. I work very hard to maintain boundaries and stay centered. I want to be useful to my fellow survivors.

What is your relationship to your body?

I have always loved my body. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to trim my stomach back to the six pack of a decade ago and which I had carried all my adult life. It’s a puzzle I am working out. I don’t much care for the aging and constant pain my body imposes on me, though, strangely, I am used to it. Knees hurt, sometimes feet, today my shoulder hurts, tomorrow it won’t. It will be something else another day. OW! My spleen! *points vaguely to some area on my torso. Whatever. I try not to complain about it. Oh, my hair has been silver since I was 30. Fuck if I know why. Use to try and color it. Now, I own it. I can't explain how, but my body remembers maybe, being tall, 6'4", 215lbs, supercharged with energy, sexually confident, athletic, strong, coordinated, thick dark hair, good looking, and sturdy as fuck. There are times when I forget, I am not exactly that anymore. It is annoying. But what can a person do? Find some way to accept the ravages of time gracefully.

Do you see yourself as valuable, worthy and deserving of a rich, fulfilling life?

Absolutely. I am fortunate, and I have done much to create my own fortune. I have a saying that I share with people when times are tough…

“At least you are not naked and starving and being chased through the desert by a bloodthirsty warlord intent on rape and murder.“ I made that up. Gives perspective, eh? Not that anyone’s struggles are nothing- it’s just you know, perspective.

Are you mostly content with the person you’ve become and the life that you’ve created, or if not, what changes would you like to make?

Mostly content. Could get laid more often. *shrugs.

I would have liked to have made more an effort early on in creating art, be it performance, visual, musical, or written. I feel it to my core.

I wish I had not had to strive physically so hard in my youth to stay out of poverty- but also, glad that I did. I would not be the person I am today without it.

I adore outdoor adventure. I wish I could do more of it. I hike, bike, kayak, white water rafting. I used to do rock climbing, cliff climbing, trail riding by horseback. I want to sail in a sailboat again. It is an almost painful longing.

 

[SassySheDevil]

I have approval from others.
I want my own approval.

Fair point...

Look in the mirror and see what we see don’t look for the flaws behold the beauty. It’s there shinning through. It’s you and it’s more than enough !

Zipper comes in and says THE SAME FUCKING THING I'VE said before. No one told me I was sexist for saying it. If only we could look in a mirror and see what others see in us. Life would be grand right? The same thing.

No. Of course that doesn't fix you. Or how you feel about yourself. But for gods sake, the guy was trying to offer kindness and compliments.

Men, especially men I don’t know, saying I’m beautiful doesn’t help me. Me feeling it helps me.
This helps HIM.
He will find plenty of women who want that. The women in this thread said we aren’t them.
We tried nicely to explain. He doesn’t get it.
Not my fault.


You just offered to talk to him. So, problem solved.


As for Lit not being safe for men, I wonder how many straight men here have their PMs closed because of unwanted pussy pics and bullshit because they say they like sex or are kinky.

Requoting yourself did not "Help him" Maybe just simply saying something like "Thanks Zipper. I truly wish I could look in the mirror and see what others do. Sadly. It is a me problem that I have to fix and thanks to my friends and loved ones. I am trying"

And if people are sending you dick pics. Then yes. get mad. But don't make your anger on them become something that all the men of Lit have to pay for.
I closed my PMs for years. Do what you need to do to make Lit a better place. Yes. Some guys are fucking pigs. Some guys are assholes. Some guys are truly misogynist assholes. But not all of them are, and this guy tried to be kind.