Feedback on the first part of a lesbian story

[Demiurging]

So this one hasn't gone over very well with the people who have read it, but nobody thus far has left a comment on why it didn't resonate with them, so I'm hoping to get some feedback before I begin editing the next three parts without giving attention to sticking points.

In essence, this is just the setup of a lesbian romance between a prostitute and a college girl. This part only goes as far as their first meeting and a single sex scene.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

https://literotica.com/s/flower-on-the-hook-pt-01

 

[AlinaX]

Perhaps spending most of the first page painting a very unhealthy picture of crude, brutal and regular sex with multiple men is not the greatest way to dive into a lesbian romance?

 

[Demiurging]

AlinaX
That does make sense, supposed to get away from that continuing on, but I think I agree now that I'm thinking about it. There's much less of that going forward but I'm not going to go take out backstory at this point. Thank you for taking the time to look through my story.

 

[yukonnights]

AlinaX
That does make sense, supposed to get away from that continuing on, but I think I agree now that I'm thinking about it. There's much less of that going forward but I'm not going to go take out backstory at this point. Thank you for taking the time to look through my story.

You might want to reconsider the backstory. The first part of any story is important in drawing the target audience in. If you continue to turn away the audience you're aiming at right from the start — it's possible, but not likely, that you'll get many readers on part two. Lesbian readers expect lesbian content

 

[Bramblethorn]

Perhaps spending most of the first page painting a very unhealthy picture of crude, brutal and regular sex with multiple men is not the greatest way to dive into a lesbian romance?

Yeah, IME readers in Lesbian want to know that the story is going to be focussed on female-female content. (You'd THINK this would be a given in that category, but not really.) If there is M-F content that's not necessary for the story, cut it out. If it is necessary, consider ways to reassure readers that the focus will be F-F. Most readers in LS will be okay with a bit of M-F content as long as they know you're not going to waste their time with something that isn't ultimately about F-F.

This can be done with story structuring (e.g. begin with something showing the F-F content, then flashback to the M-F once you've established where it's going) or just with an author's note at the start of the story.

Without that, the opening here is a major turn-off and readers who don't know you might not choose to stick around and find out where it's going.

Even after it gets into the female-female content, Chris ends up having Dot drink the contents of a condom - not exactly likely to appeal to most of the readers in LS. And if you strip out all the M-M content and just look at the F-F action, Chris is just an unlikeable asshole. There's nothing in Chapter 1 that makes me think "I hope these two have a future together, I'd like to hear more about how this turns out." Just Chris treating Dot like shit, and Dot taking it and coming back.

There might be a readership for that kind of content in LS but it's not a large one. If you are going to make this a romance, the people who enjoyed Chapter 1 probably won't like the romance.

I have a rule of thumb that the opening of a story should give readers an idea of what kind of story they're getting into - not necessarily how it ends, but the tone and some of the main themes. Readers who don't know you will be thinking "is this a story I should invest my time into? Is this going to be the kind of thing I'll want to read?" and if you don't help them answer that question early on, a lot of them will skip on to the next thing.

There is a lot of interesting story potential in "callous first encounter turns into romance", but you need to hold readers for long enough to explore it.

Minor issue:

'Of course, would you like the money in small bills or would you take a check?'

Chris pinched her nose. 'I srsly don't care, just have it one you.'

I'm not an expert in these things, but the depiction of Chris' work didn't ring true for me.

Sex workers screen clients: is this guy a cop, or a serial killer, or somebody who's going to try to rip her off? You've established that the cops don't give a shit about her job - which is a pretty good state of affairs relative to most places IRL - but even if that's not a worry, accepting payment by check from a stranger with no references is just asking to be stiffed. Setting a price without any agreement on what that covers also seems weird.