Looking for feedback on my first short story

[OnlySlightlyBent]

Hey guys and gals, I've been reading stories here on Lit for a few years but just recently took the plunge and wrote the first erotic fiction I've ever written, not to mention the first short fiction I've written in over a decade.

The story has been up for a little over a day now, and so far the response is everything I could have hoped for, with a few favorites and a good average rating.

But this has me both worried and excited for writing part two, and the one thing I haven't gotten is any comments or feedback. So I figured I'd introduce myself here and see if any of you would be so kind as to give my story a read and then tell me what worked, what didn't, and what I should keep in mind while I write part 2.

The story is called Trailhead: Discovery, and it's in the Fetish category. It's about 11k words long so it's a pretty quick read.

Thanks in advance, and I hope everyone is having a great holiday weekend!

-OSB

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-trailhead-discovery

 

[RoperTrace]

Great first effort. I left a comment on the story. The setting was great, as I've been on the AT many times, and think it would be hot with two couples.

 

[OnlySlightlyBent]

Great first effort. I left a comment on the story. The setting was great, as I've been on the AT many times, and think it would be hot with two couples.

Thanks RT!

Unfortunately the setting for the first part of the story was entirely fictional, but I do hike a section of the AT that runs near my house and am always on the lookout for the "perfect lunch spot"

-OSB

 

[dmallord]

This is my first attempt at commenting on articles. The whole process is daunting for me as I'm frequently and profoundly lost on this site! But ...

As I started reading your introduction is seemed way too mundane the way the characters introduced themselves ... but wow ... once that was out of the way, I read about things that flowed so very well afterward. It was as though a new person picked up the pen and began writing - more in adult mode. The conversational levels seemed to flow well beyond the initial intro. You taught me more about kinky than I ever wanted to know!

Intro example: original - The couple looked at each other and shared a shrug then walked over, the guy, who introduced himself as Jay, putting on his sweaty t-shirt as he came. The woman, who introduced herself as Dee, brought her backpack with her.

That intro seemed forgive me please, fourth grade writer level [sorry! the rest was perfectly well written.]

Perhaps, in my own story style had I written it - The couple, Jay and Dee, just looked at each other with a shrug. Grabbing their gear, they walked over to introduce themselves. [Shorter, crisper and free of extraneous verbiage]

You have a storyline that holds one's attention all the way through it. Good job - I gave it a 4!

dmallord incest/taboo writer - primarily some kink ;-)

 

[Lifestyle66]

I've started reading The Trailhead Discovery (still on page 1).

So far, the scenario is good and the descriptive writing is colorful.

There's no definitive indicator break between the Author's note and the start of the story. And, you sometimes switched back and forth from Nicole's first parson view and narration to third person.

I learned after posting my first few stories (I was excited to find out what others thought) that editors can provide good feedback and catch such distractors.

I'll finish it today and post a final comment.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Good first story, some great connecting moments between Nicole and the other two. Nice touch, having Dee take Nicole under her wing.

One technical thing to jump on now and to watch for in future - and to avoid. 98% of this story is told from a first person point of view, Nicole's pov, but every now and then you step into third person narration for a sentence, then step back. That jars, and can knock a reader out of the flow. As I say, catch in now, be conscious in edit, and be consistent.

The first time I noted it was this sentence:

It took Nicole and Russ a moment to realize what he was doing,

Don't worry about fixing it in this story, it's not worth the effort, but be aware of it next time.

Also, long time writer advice here - I always suggest avoiding the temptation to continue the same story with the same characters, because you can just go on and on until everyone gets bored. Nothing worse than a bored erotica writer. This story is self-contained, it's complete, and could end where it does, quite happily. You'll learn far more as a writer, and far more quickly, if you write different stories, different characters, different ideas.

But for a new writer, you're doing okay, right out the gate. There's a genuine human touch going on here, a nice sensitivity.

One other thing - Nicole might want to dump Russ. He's just going to stifle her .