Sexless Marriages

[Lost_Yonder]

He does acknowledge the issue. I've come close to discussing alternatives, but I don't want to hurt him or our marriage, which otherwise is very strong. So I repress this side of me, for the most part, which has taken some toll on me, I think.

Just a general reflection, wondering what others think too. We seem to have three options: 1) try and work it out either together or counseling, perhaps even agreeing to "alternatives" for the partner feeling the need for more sex; 2) grin and bear it, accept the reality; 3) have an affair.

Obviously, I think most of us start with the first option but if it doesn't lead anywhere, to even more rejection, what do we do?

I know many on here opt than for no. 2, accepting the reality. One of the arguments is that they value the marriage/relationship for other things it provides, etc., etc. But, doesn't that rejection, that lack of sexual intimacy also eat at you and ultimately change your feelings towards your spouse and lead towards a frustrating marriage - more anger or more withdrawn?

What I'm wondering is, but grinning and bearing it, aren't we planting seeds that ultimately undermine our marriages??? In that way, not that different than having an affair???

If talking/counseling doesn't change things, we're kind of fucked - in the wrong way!

 

[JDredd711]

Your name just makes me laugh. The older English contingent may remember an English reggae and ska musician who went by the name of Judge Dread. I think he still holds the record for the most music banned by the BBC.

Anyways ....... this is a rather solemn board but I'm sure many of us have the 'I'll laugh or I'll cry' attitude, so here's a tune, inappropriately appropriate (or vice versa) which may make you smile.

https://youtu.be/R6jWYJjU2mM

Too funny and very apropos. Thanks for the laugh.

 

[chuckypip69]

at what point?

Love my wife she is my best friend, but you all know the situation. At what point do you find a FWB to do the things she won't?

 

[Lost_Yonder]

The past year and a half it was "easy" not to think about having an affair - wasn't even an option. But now, after years of no sex, the itch is back. Practically it still isn't very possible right now, but... I don't know what to do any more

 

[skirt_chaser]

The past year and a half it was "easy" not to think about having an affair - wasn't even an option. But now, after years of no sex, the itch is back. Practically it still isn't very possible right now, but... I don't know what to do any more

Yes, it's the same for having sex with hookers. I'd much rather prefer a mistress and satisfying affair. I did have two sexual affairs in the past. But after too many years of no sex, I'd pay for some pleasure.

 

[skirt_chaser]

Love my wife she is my best friend, but you all know the situation. At what point do you find a FWB to do the things she won't?

Same with me. But I'd enjoy another woman, as soon as I find someone who is willing and eager. We have needs that must be fulfilled.

 

[IASFPWTF]

I want a fwb situation

 

[LustyScribe]

Same with me. But I'd enjoy another woman, as soon as I find someone who is willing and eager. We have needs that must be fulfilled.

I think I'd jump on an opportunity for sex and an intimate relationship. Maybe not just for sex, but if mental and emotional intimacy were part of the package I would jump on it.

 

[10169kek]

I want a fwb situation

I would love the same as well. See where that adventure goes ...

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I think I'd jump on an opportunity for sex and an intimate relationship. Maybe not just for sex, but if mental and emotional intimacy were part of the package I would jump on it.

I thought I was going to avoid having an affair again, but I can't live without the sex and intimacy. But like you I need the intimacy, the connection, something more than a hooker or an easy pick-up, but also something convenient and flexible, and someone who fully respects my situation. It is nearly impossible to find a unicorn to meet all those needs!

 

[Lost_Yonder]

faint memories, fading quickly...

https://thechive.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/7FlSZd2.jpg?attachment_cache_bust=3683823&quality=85&strip=info&w=600

 

[philos]

Did this thread die because everyone’s marriage started working again and they are all to busy in bed or because everyone has given up hope? I really hope it is the former and if so please share how you did it.

 

[KeenVoyeur]

Did this thread die because everyone’s marriage started working again and they are all to busy in bed or because everyone has given up hope? I really hope it is the former and if so please share how you did it.

Nope ... we all died of boredom expecting the impossible

I sat in our hot tub with my wife at the weekend and deliberately rubbed my crotch against her foot (neither of us were naked) but got no reaction, although she didn't actually move her foot either ... I'll have to try that again next time we're in the tub to see if she actually knows what I'm doing!

 

[Mtnmike]

Nope ... we all died of boredom expecting the impossible

I sat in our hot tub with my wife at the weekend and deliberately rubbed my crotch against her foot (neither of us were naked) but got no reaction, although she didn't actually move her foot either ... I'll have to try that again next time we're in the tub to see if she actually knows what I'm doing!

Lol, so True what you said, expecting the impossible!!!!
If I had done that she would've de-nutted me right then !!!! Sounds like there might be hope for you though

 

[LustyScribe]

Did this thread die because everyone’s marriage started working again and they are all to busy in bed or because everyone has given up hope? I really hope it is the former and if so please share how you did it.

Well, for me , at least, I developed an online relationship - through this thread - with someone with whom I can enjoy a relationship which, while cyber only because of distance, still helps me feel a lot less crappy about my life. We communicate regularly, not just sexual stuff, but things in general.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Unless you already have some serious health problems, the rest of your life is a long time to feel deflated on a daily basis with little chance of improvement. Surely, marriage has to have more personal elements in it than friendship so why settle for friendship if you aren't happy with it - unless there's a hall pass? It's breach of contract isn't it, you didn't sign up for the friend zone?

Joking aside, people (unless bloody miserable or can't find their way to the shower) can find love at all ages between ? and death. Wanting to feel loved doesn't doesn't stop with a number. Hanging onto a marriage that brings misery and rejection is soul destroying. Why wake up feeling it every day if it's not absolutely, life and death, essential?

Intimacy with the right person is a joy and costs nothing, when it's withheld there should be a real good reason for it and if there isn't and the problem can't be rectified then the contract needs to be rewritten or scrapped in my view. All the pixel shenanigans in the world aren't going to compensate for skin on skin contact.

I could have written this, as could my partner @GMOTW, we have said these things to each other so many times. So much wisdom here, thanks to Cherry_Brandy for laying bare what really matters at the end of your life.

I also agree about “breach of contract”, so true that none of us signed up to be just friends when we got married!

 

[DDBustyBrit]

It's definitely the intimacy that's the biggest miss. Sex is sex, it can happen with a stranger and hit the right buttons. Intimacy is honesty and truth and giving and a different beast all together. Easy to lose and hard to find.

THIS

The longterm members of this thread know myself and my partner, who I met here @GMOTW… I was catching up on this years posts and dropping by to update you that we are still going strong 15 months later!

But this strikes a chord & I’ll share why… we finally met in real life this week (thanks Covid!), both in longterm (years) sexless marriages but have found something really special together.

But once we were finally together breathing the same air, what was just as important as the “fun” part, was the intimacy and emotional connection. We wanted to spend as much time just holding each other and kissing, in fact reflecting later we agreed that held as much value if not more for us.

I think that will also tell you we are very blessed, as we have found that “rare beast” & it will now result in a life change so we can be together. We are both in our mid fifties and are not willing to waste the rest of our lives with spouses who have no interest. I hope our example can provide some inspiration to not just give up on ever being fulfilled again, we all deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

And remember, if you’ve tried to fix it or you know they’ll never really change, your spouse has breached your marital contract & that’s their choice, but it does not have to be your life sentence!

Get out there & find yourself the partner your heart needs! We have & ultimately we will make it through some tough days ahead, because years of future happiness are waiting for us.

I wish you all nothing but the best, dream but also act on those dreams, life is short

 

[johnnyampleed]

If you don't mind, after almost 29 years of marriage and a lot of mulling and misery I feel somewhat qualified to make a comment.

Unless you already have some serious health problems, the rest of your life is a long time to feel deflated on a daily basis with little chance of improvement. Surely, marriage has to have more personal elements in it than friendship so why settle for friendship if you aren't happy with it - unless there's a hall pass? It's breach of contract isn't it, you didn't sign up for the friend zone?

Joking aside, people (unless bloody miserable or can't find their way to the shower) can find love at all ages between ? and death. Wanting to feel loved doesn't doesn't stop with a number. Hanging onto a marriage that brings misery and rejection is soul destroying. Why wake up feeling it every day if it's not absolutely, life and death, essential?

Intimacy with the right person is a joy and costs nothing, when it's withheld there should be a real good reason for it and if there isn't and the problem can't be rectified then the contract needs to be rewritten or scrapped in my view. All the pixel shenanigans in the world aren't going to compensate for skin on skin contact.

In the end, for me, it's come down to 2 questions, do I want to settle for indefinite years of existing or go off, into the unknown, and try to make a life that gives new opportunities and happiness? Most of us have that choice. It sounds simplistic but that's because I've gone through the problems for years and grasped at all the reasons and excuses.

Without wanting to sound too frivolous (got to laugh or I'll cry) I've come to the conclusion marriage should be like leasing a car, every few years you have the option of replacing it with a new model or you pay the final sum and keep it till the the engine blows

So well said. "Breach of contract" is an apt analogy.

 

[lonely_hubby60]

very difficult for me to understand

Well, for me , at least, I developed an online relationship - through this thread - with someone with whom I can enjoy a relationship which, while cyber only because of distance, still helps me feel a lot less crappy about my life. We communicate regularly, not just sexual stuff, but things in general.

I have read some posts here -- by far not all. And one thing I found extremely hard to understand: It looks to me that it took more than 3000 posts here until some people finally began raising the idea of an outside affair in a truly serious fashion, as a solution to problems for people in your situation.

Why in the world did it take you so long, I ask myself?

And why not think outside of the box a little, and realize that erotic intimacy does not necessarily require being together physically? Intimacy can be had by mail also. Even though it takes just exactly the right person for that. But intimacy by mail is a very humane and face-saving way out, regarding the partner without any desire for sex. Who might be a good friend otherwise. And does not deserve getting hurt extra bad.

I am glad to read that at least you, lusty scribe discovered this solution. Good luck wishes from my side to you and your mail partner!

 

[LustyScribe]

I have read some posts here -- by far not all. And one thing I found extremely hard to understand: It looks to me that it took more than 3000 posts here until some people finally began raising the idea of an outside affair in a truly serious fashion, as a solution to problems for people in your situation.

Why in the world did it take you so long, I ask myself?

And why not think outside of the box a little, and realize that erotic intimacy does not necessarily require being together physically? Intimacy can be had by mail also. Even though it takes just exactly the right person for that. But intimacy by mail is a very humane and face-saving way out, regarding the partner without any desire for sex. Who might be a good friend otherwise. And does not deserve getting hurt extra bad.

I am glad to read that at least you, lusty scribe discovered this solution. Good luck wishes from my side to you and your mail partner!

Thank you, lonely_hubby. In honesty, I did not come here thinking I would find someone special like this. I wandered in here honestly looking for a place to host my own pity party. Instead, I found a wonderful person I look forward to "talking" to on a regular basis, to share ups and downs. Someone who doesn't mind me caring about her. (You probably understand that, as ludicrous as that seems, that's one of the things we miss in the loss of intimacy) Do I wish she lived near me, that we could live out the stories we create? Oh, heavens yes! But in the meantime, the more relevant question is:

Is my life better, happier now?

The answer: Yes. Infinitely, definitely

And that alone puts a big smile on my face.

Good luck!

 

[Buckonlyme]

May I

if I may, is there anything that I might be able to for you?

I am surprised to see 2 women respond to this thread. I don't know any guys in their 40's or 50's who don't want sex. I quite wrongly thought this was a guy only problem. I guess you learn something new every day. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Stucoy101]

43m in same boat

Southern new england, 43m.... the well seems to have dried up. **sigh**

I'm not ready to toss in the towel - still want sex, talk about sex, think about sex, dream about sex.... would love to chat with others on this, maybe help each other get through it in various ways... stu_coy on hotmail.... stucoy1 on skype... hope to connect

 

[Stacysmith287]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

Pm me.. must be nothing worse

 

[Smoothshavendad]

Definitely in a long dry spell and aching for relief

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Definitely in a long dry spell and aching for relief

my resistance to having another affair is weakening...