COVID Depression

[LAHomedog]

This will eventually become about writing.

I believe that I have sunk into a clinical depression due to the COVID quarantine and the shutting down of life.

Like many of you I have had my fair share of life's challenges. Work, relationships, life deaths, problems with family, lost children, cancer, and a whole lot of good. Actually great. It has been an amazing life.

But I'm now in the toilet. I wake up everyday trying not to be, but I'll admit I'm thrown off my game. And it has impacted everything from my day-to-day, my taking care of business, and my writing. Where once, I had a story in my mind's eye and it poured out, I now have trouble finding words.

I went back to my long-term therapist who I love. No help. I think life slipping away got to me.

Sorry to moan on here, but I'm discussing writing. Maybe I'll write about it. I want to write a less smut, more human romance story anyway.

Has COVID impacted anybody else's mood and writing? I'll admit, I'm having a hard time shaking it.

 

[Rustyoznail]

I hear you. Some days it's hard being one of the shiny happy people, and the last 18 months have been particularly hard on a lot of people.

Advice is easy to say, but it's up to you. I've been in the depths where work had me so stressed and depressed I couldn't even drink to numb it. Beer made me throw up. Spirits sharpened the knife.

It is hard to write when your mind wants to drift. Let it go and just take notes. Don't think of a whole story - look for fragments of ideas. Something interesting may pop up when you least expect it.

- Grammarly says my tone is friendly, informal and optimistic. At least it got that right...

 

[Bramblethorn]

My work tends to hire perfectionist, conscientious people, and it's really hard for that kind of person to feel like they're not doing their best. Back when we went into lockdown last year, one of the first things I told my people was: "This is a shitty situation, you are all dealing with a whole heap of stressful crap while trying to do your jobs from home, most of us won't be performing at our best this year and that's quite understandable. Please don't feel guilty about it."

(I didn't say "shitty" or "crap", but that was the gist of it.)

There's a lot of crap that's hard to deal with, but don't add "beating yourself up for not being at your peak in the middle of a damn pandemic" to the burden. Allow yourself to feel blah.

 

[Jada59]

Yep. I don't go anywhere. Rarely see anyone. And have a sucky new (to me) computer with a keyboard that has a mind of its own. So writing one simple sentence is a challenge. I no longer have a sense of purpose. Or any money.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Has COVID impacted anybody else's mood and writing? I'll admit, I'm having a hard time shaking it.

I'm going to confess, not at all. I live in a state surrounded by the great Australian distance, we measure our covid case counts in tens, not hundreds, not thousands; I'm a month or so away from my second Astra Zeneca jab; my job is working with people in Melbourne (who were basically locked down for months - Bramblethorn will confirm that) and Europe, so working from home is ideal. Over the last year I bought a house in the depths of the covid winter at a bargain basement price, and sold the old one at the peak of the post covid market. All in all, a very good year. Which is a pisser for you to hear, but that's the way this cookie crumbled.

 

[Acktion]

Actually, Homedawg, I was doing this shit for a decade before Covid made it sexy. On top of having a lot more practice, one of my degrees also has to do with this sort of shit.

Nothing in the slightest unusual about what you are feeling. Social isolation and particularly solitary confinement is considered torture at fifteen days. "Cabin Fever" is a long known stressor. I could go on, slicing and dicing all the myriad bullshit that alone would be enough to put most people on medication that all got together in a great big dogpile. But there really isn't much point. Shit got bad in a hurry and the overwhelming majority of people are still coming to terms with how radically they were affected. A lot are just now slipping from survival mode to being able to actually slow down and process things, really feel things.

And the shit of it is, Homedog? When you are dealing with clinical depression, it's when things begin getting a little better that it is harder to deal with. You don't have the energy to spare for feeling shit when you are too busy dealing with shit.

Newsflash. This just in. You're only human. An oversight on somebody's part, I'm sure.

Honestly, I'm less concerned about you who has the emotional acumen to realize you're being affected than I am some others who act like it's just another day in the neighborhood. Does that mean you shouldn't see your therapist? Hardly. We're all gonna need some minimal foxhole therapy before this is all done.

But, don't feel like the lone ranger. You're not.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Nope. Where I live, life went on as it has done every day. The only exception was that the stores I needed to go to required you wear a mask. And most of the people in the complex I live, never wore a mask when just walking about the complex. And... nobody in our complex caught the dreaded COVID.

So, I'm just my old depressed, grumpy self that I have always been.

Also, everyone here in Texas is back to doing thing they did before the dreaded virus.

Schools are open, well they are closed for the summer now, but sill be open in September just like they would be in a normal world.

And the only reason more people have COVID is because they have increased testing. I also read some where that the doctor who developed the test for COVID said that you are more likely to test positive even if you don't have the virus. So the tests are biased positive.

As for writing, I'm kind of in a slump right now, yet have a bunch of things I could be working on.

 

[PBAnnie]

Sorry to moan on here, but I'm discussing writing. Maybe I'll write about it. I want to write a less smut, more human romance story anyway.

Has COVID impacted anybody else's mood and writing? I'll admit, I'm having a hard time shaking it.

It's not just COVID and it's not just writing. We've had a whole year of lockdowns, disruption of our normal routines, witnessed our favorite restaurants, theaters, and other businesses go under through no-fault-of-their-own, a contentious political campaign season and election, arrests for merely sitting on a public beach or swimming in the ocean, and violent riots without arrests. It's like we're all living in upside-down bizarro world with no chance of escape. I've noticed people seem to be driving more erratically than before, they're less patient, less observant, more selfish and cutting others off. Maybe the driving habits of others hasn't really changed and I'm just hyper-aware of the things they're doing that tick me off, but that would mean that my own driving behavior has changed for some or all of the reasons listed before.

The changes around us do seem to be real and the transition back to pre-2020 life can't come fast enough. Like you, I found myself not enjoying any of the things I used to love, and I'm sure that change in attitude must affect those people who are closest to me, which then affects them and their change reflects back on me again in a vicious downward spiral. Then a few weeks ago I made a decision to change (I'm not sure if it was a conscious decision or not, but the change is happening.)

The change was simple: I stopped watching the news, I stopped caring about the news, I stopped watching my favorite current events commentators on YouTube (which is all very difficult for someone who wants to be fully informed of what's really going on in the world,) and I've replaced that online time with watching porn and reading stories here on Literotica. It's improved my mood. It's renewed my interest in sex with my spouse, and it's boosted my creative output (after a sixteen-year hiatus I finally have four drafts in progress for Literotica, the first should be ready for publication in about two weeks.)

If you've been wrapped up in the news cycle and current events, like I was, maybe you just need to take a break for a while and start doing a few things you used to enjoy doing that don't take a whole lot of effort. If your desire for creating written works has waned, maybe it would help to dive into reading other people's creations, let their imaginary worlds get your own imagination rolling again. There are a lot of really good writers here at Literotica and there's enough variation in writing styles, story-telling styles, and particular kinks that you're sure to find something appealing. Replace your former writing time with reading time and pleasuring time until your inspiration and desire to create come back.

 

[NotWise]

Hang in there Homedog, you aren't alone.

The US Surgeon General gave a talk near hear just yesterday. His major point was that the psychological impacts of the pandemic are, along with deaths and hospitalizations, some of its biggest effects, and the extent of the problem is just starting to be realized.

One of my sons-in-law -- normally a very outgoing, optimistic man -- was hospitalized for five days last winter with severe depression. Don't let yourself sink that far: get help, get involvement, get whatever it takes.

It affected us all in different ways. I found writing to be a useful outlet.

 

[TadOverdon]

The sort-of-lockdown made me restless and anxious; I was lucky not to be shut off by myself. My mom lives alone and she says that the depression that hit her was unlike anything she'd experienced. "Feeling life slipping away" sounds like the way she described it.

You're not moaning. This is a good place to talk, I hope. People here are some of the most supportive and least contentious I've found online.

 

[SimonDoom]

Sorry to hear you are dealing with that. Don't hesitate to "moan" about it. Many others have experienced this to varying degrees and it can help to share.

My life probably didn't change as much as it did for others because I worked primarily from home before the pandemic and I can tolerate long stretches of working and writing by myself well. Plus I've had the company and support of family. But many people have not, and for many it's been very, very hard.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

You're far from alone, if that helps any. Mercurial emotions are to be expected, up and down seemingly at random. In a way it was easier last year when I was ill as I had no energy to worry about anything beyond getting food into the house. Three people I didn't know that well died, all over 80. This year it's been tougher as I know what I'm missing (even if now I can do most of what I want), and two people I know have killed themselves, one a good friend. Both had problems pre-Covid, but both lived alone which can't have helped. Though living in cramped house-shares isn't easy either, which is the situation for many of my colleagues. It's rather odd seeing their beds behind them, but so many London house-shares don't have living rooms any more so they have nowhere else to go.

Only know one covid-triggered divorce so far. And friends in the NHS and Public Health England have just about avoided mental breakdowns, touch wood.

 

[Jake_Raazor]

Reading these responses and hearing similar from people I know, it makes me appreciate that my wife and I have, so far, escaped comparatively lightly.

I can’t offer much more than support and sympathy in these trying times.

 

[gordo12]

I never had the time to get depressed. As I've mentioned before, I'm retired, and my wife is the general manager of a large seniors' retirement home.

Needless to say, we were front and centre in the pandemic. I was asked to volunteer right from the beginning when the health authority demands drove staffing requirements through the roof. You had a bunch of 20-30-year-olds, with their college textbooks, putting out pronouncements that were beyond belief in many cases. None had any experience in actually running a home. The frustration of dealing with a bureaucratic system that couldn't seem to understand that dropping an order, Friday @ 4 pm (after they've gone to their comfy homes) that demanded high touch cleaning throughout the building 5 x a day starting Monday and cleaning all resident furniture 3x a day. (300 suites) It wasn't possible with a 3 man department. It would need 17. And of course, we had 14 people standing around doing nothing, just waiting for a job. Countless stupid orders...I have to learn to let that go. I'm still angry at the stupidity.

Life became 10-12 hour days, 7 days a week. Often working 50-60-70 or more hours to make up for sick staff and care for residents. Coming home was dropping into a chair, exhausted. Our takeout bills were hitting $1500 a month.

Christmas, Boxing Day and New Years Day found my wife and myself pushing a cart with treats and goodies down the hallways, knocking on doors to cheer everyone up. My wife was dressed as a dancing Christmas tree. The residents had been confined to their rooms for 2 1/2 months by then.

When covid finally got into the building, thank God it touched us lightly. Nevertheless, I watched good people being wheeled out to ambulances knowing full well they wouldn't return. Every time I hear someone minimize covid risk, I want to punch them in the face. They haven't witnessed the deaths and sorrow.

A big part of my motivation in all this was my wife. She was on the front line facing a deadly disease. I was damned if I was going to let her do that alone.

The positive points?
When residents and staff found out I was volunteering, not even being paid, I had countless people coming up to me constantly and thanking me for the effort and the risk I was taking.

I walked myself into an old pair of dress pants I hadn't worn for years. I figured at one point (Christmas), I was doing twenty miles a day in those hallways.

We were the second senior's residence in the area to get the covid shots which were extended to volunteers. That was back at the beginning of Jan.

At one point, the company and the health authority decided it was too risky to leave volunteers in the homes. My wife told them flat out she was already short-staffed enough, and they needed me. That got fought all the way up to the top of the corporate and health dept food chains, so they agreed to leave me there. Not only that, but the company sent out a notice asking all the homes to recruit as many volunteers as possible. We got more people, and it alleviated a lot of the pressure on the staff.

I learned a WHOLE lot of new life skills filling in various depts.

As far as writing went, I was too tired too often to even attempt it. Yet, I'm surprised at the amount I did accomplish.

I could go on for hours about the covid experience.

But for the O/P on this thread. Volunteer. Get yourself involved in something. You'll meet people, get out, do some community good, and it gives you a feel-good perspective about life.

 

[KeithD]

I didn't anticipate the writer's response to Covid. I volume edit a regional anthology of prose and poetry and work with a couple other anthologies and contests. I expected the sheltering to increase the number of written works being produced. It's gone in the other direction. Submissions to anthologies and contests I work with have gone down in the past year. I guess depression has had an effect on creativity.

 

[MillieDynamite]

My father took his SS last September. He could have retired but doesn't plan on doing so in the foreseeable future. Well, he was out of work for five months last year. But went back as soon as they let him. Now, he is recovering from shoulder surgery. I see why he didn't retire. He detests that he is stuck at home and not working. Physically and emotionally, he isn't built for the easy life. I have spent as much time with him in the last two weeks as I can. He's ready to climb the walls. TV isn't his thing. He writes but can't do it one-handed, which he is right now.

 

[HeyAll]

For what it's worth, going outside for long walks/jogs helps with creating a positive mental state.

 

[stickygirl]

It's been good and bad for me. I didn't miss social interaction too much because groups are something I avoid. I was lucky enough to be able to continue to work with reduced hours so at least I had routine and it gave me time to write some of my best stories to date.

On the depression side, I think it was an accretion of small stresses such as being on my guard the whole time - or feeling like I needed to be. A silly thing happened as the UK began to unlock because I could get home delivery of groceries, which had been restricted to more needy people. I cried when Mr Sainsbury arrived with my groceries ... I hate going to supermarkets at the best of times. Such a huge relief!

I've kept myself going with walks in the countryside, planting things in my little garden ... simple things that I found I could do without being 'on guard' - they were a temporary relief. It does seem to be going on and on and I wonder how the folks managed during the Spanish flu... that was two years I think.

To the OP I'd go along with Brambles suggestion. This is a weird time: it isn't normal, so forgive yourself for feeling crap, indulge yourself in little things you do enjoy. Thanks for posting, I think it's a topic that doesn't get enough air time in discussions.

 

[MillieDynamite]

It's been good and bad for me. I didn't miss social interaction too much because groups are something I avoid. I was lucky enough to be able to continue to work with reduced hours so at least I had routine and it gave me time to write some of my best stories to date.

On the depression side, I think it was an accretion of small stresses such as being on my guard the whole time - or feeling like I needed to be. A silly thing happened as the UK began to unlock because I could get home delivery of groceries, which had been restricted to more needy people. I cried when Mr Sainsbury arrived with my groceries ... I hate going to supermarkets at the best of times. Such a huge relief!

I've kept myself going with walks in the countryside, planting things in my little garden ... simple things that I found I could do without being 'on guard' - they were a temporary relief. It does seem to be going on and on and I wonder how the folks managed during the Spanish flu... that was two years I think.

To the OP I'd go along with Brambles suggestion. This is a weird time: it isn't normal, so forgive yourself for feeling crap, indulge yourself in little things you do enjoy. Thanks for posting, I think it's a topic that doesn't get enough air time in discussions.

the effects lasted longer than the two years. My grandfather, or rather the father of my adopted father, was born in 1919. While PaPa was born at home, his mother took him to the doctor's office for a physical early in 1920, while there, or they assume while he was there, he came in contact with someone infected with the flue. He was ill for almost two years but didn't die.

I don't know that they ever had a vaccine for it.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Homedog- I hear ya.

I can't do my job from home. I'm a social worker in a psychiatric hospital. So, every day, even during the "height" of the "lockdown" I was going into work, around people, sharing an office. One officemate's dad died of COVID, her replacement caught it. Another person in my dept caught it, and a fourth person's mom died from it. Plus our intern's grandfather. We lucked out in that we only had one major outbreak, and only one patient (who had been on my caseload for almost two years) died.

Other things were stressful. Other psychiatric hospitals in our system had worse outbreaks and one shut down three separate times. So, our hospital had to take their admissions. We stayed over census with increasingly short staff. My caseload ballooned. Families complained about our restrictions. We had harder times getting people discharged.

But, I was kinda ok. Did what I could, tried to keep my boundaries intact. I wrote a story or two. Did family zoom calls twice a month. Ordered a metric ton of delivery.

But, a few months ago I hit a wall. And, like you, I've lost my enjoyment of most of my hobbies. I can't hold on to an idea for a story. My kindle my laptop are dead cuz I keep forgetting to charge them. My house is basically a superfund site.

The clinical side of me recognizes all this as depression. And i keep thinking I should make an appointment and talk to someone. But that's part of the thing, right? Mustering up the energy to make the call...

I'm going to see family in a couple of weeks. First time since Jan of 2020. I think that will help.

So, yeah. I hear you, Homedog, and everyone else. I sympathize. And i have hope that we will get through all of this, and back to ourselves.

 

[LAHomedog]

Homedog- I hear ya.

I can't do my job from home. I'm a social worker in a psychiatric hospital.

I have a friend who is a shrink. He had retired from his hospital (not his private practice) and after COVID hit, the Medical Director called him begging him to come back since there were so many cases their psychiatric staff was overwhelmed and swamped. He agreed to return for three months, that was 15 months ago and he is still there bailing water.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I have a friend who is a shrink. He had retired from his hospital (not his private practice) and after COVID hit, the Medical Director called him begging him to come back since there were so many cases their psychiatric staff was overwhelmed and swamped. He agreed to return for three months, that was 15 months ago and he is still there bailing water.

Bailing with a sieve is about how I feel.


I hope you're able to find some relief, too.