I am trying a new erotica horror genre and would like some feedback

[UnpublishedEroticaWriter]

The last time I tried to write a scary non-erotica story my brother told me it was as scary as a scooby-doo cartoon. But he hates everything I write. No, I don't ask my brother to read my erotica because that would be weird and creepy. So I'd like to get feedback from people I'm not related to. It was just published here so you can judge for yourself. I've had a few editors here work on it so it shouldn't be filled with too many grammatical issues. It's very short. 12 pages on google docs and 2 pages on here. You can leave a comment or a rating there. Guess I should have checked before but italics doesn't show up after I submitted it. So if there is no " " and it sounds like someone is talking they are really just thinking it. You can find it here https://literotica.com/s/the-devil-is-in-the-details-3

 

[lovecraft68]

I'll give it a look. Meantime you might be better off starting a thread in the feedback forum.

I do have a quick question, why is your erotica horror story in erotic couplings? Why not erotic horror?

Okay, read through it. If the goal was to be scarier than Scooby Doo, well...there was nothing scary, creepy, dark, or even suspensful or atmospheric about it. On that note, Erotic Couplings might be better.

Story itself, the writing is fine, story flowed and was an easy quick read. Thanks to your note here I didn't get too tripped up with what were thoughts vs dialogue. In general I see no issues with it in a technical sense, and there were some good descriptions in there.

Now...and I will preface this with two things. Most important this is all subjective so my opinion is just that, not looking to discourage you. Second is I'm a horror snob, so I may be judging a little harsher.

To repeat, this is not remotely 'horror' except you're using a succubus summoned by a spell.

The story reminds me of why I gave up reading succubus stories on this site. The only one that hits it right is Purely Sinful-check it out, its one of the top Erotic horror hall of fame stories-very long read, but worth it.

The Succubus's behavior was that of a teenage. The questions, and...she doesn't know what sex is? She's never been pleased? She let's this guy trick her on the time limit? Is this her first day on the job.

You're portraying a demon, one that's sexual in nature, a predator and pure seductress. And one with a mission, one she was goddamn lousy at.

The ending was telegraphed, not the exact reveal, but within a few sentences we get that his name didn't sit right with her, telling the reader he's different you could have held that back and let his actions show that. Also at the odd name she thinks about how that's a way of cheating yet she doesn't question or demand the real name...

The sex wasn't all that hot because of the constant questioning of it, and again...she doesn't know what an orgasm is? I think you had too many speedbumps and dialogue narration to keep the scene erotic, "but wait, but what, but..." no flow there.

What he turned out to be? Um, no. But this is where the snob in me comes out, going by fiction has to fiction this is your story your way, and those are the only rules that matter, but for any type of occult realism...nope. That and again if you want to hit a chord with the horror crowd? Then the ending would have been in her favor, horror does not end well for fools summoning demons.

You're a good writer and story teller, but if horror was the goal its not your category.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Well, I must agree with Lovecraft in that I saw not much horror in your tale. Not a bad yarn; I liked it more than many others - simple concept, good grammar and spelling (yeah, I know), it flowed well and was fun to read. It had a nice twist, which I personally like. The sex was pretty good, I thought. But, no, it wasn’t to my mind a horror tale. I do look forward to seeing your next works.

P.S. Ignore your brother. Go with your talent.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Seems like it would be okay for Erotic Horror as a twist on the usual succubus tale. Or maybe non-human as it's quite light-hearted.

Most people have the wrong idea about Erotic Horror here anyway. The Erotic half of Erotic Horror takes precedence as Lit is an erotica site. It's more important to be sexy than gory or scary, and if a story is too nasty, it will get rejected anyway (may have fallen foul of this a few times... )

For a succubus summoning story you're working with implied threat. Someone is going to get mind-blowing sex from the succubus, and then there will be hell to pay later, so the tension comes from knowing the good sexy stuff is going to slide into bad stuff later, but not exactly knowing when or how bad. This reverses the roles, so the tension starts from wondering what she's going to do, to wondering what the mysterious summoner is going to do to her.

The succubus is a little goofy, but it's a role reversal, so it's fine. That archetype is fairly common in Japanese manga.

I'd maybe push the succubus as a little more confident to start with, so it would seem like a typical succubus story, then reveal more of how naive she is - maybe she hasn't taken many souls and they've all been submissive nerd types that lie back and let themselves be ridden, so meeting someone more dominant would catch her off guard and reveal she's not the typical all-powerful semen/soul harvester. Because the story is from her PoV, it's a very strong indication that something is up, so write with the expectation the reader is expecting that twist and focus on the second half being more about building the tension on who/what the man is and what's going to happen to her.

Hope that helps!

 

[MillieDynamite]

My personal favorite story I have written is "In the Arms of the Succubus" and has a historic reference in it that most will never catch. I used a confession of one of the more obscure Popes to base my story on.

Here is one of the passages from the story.

"Father Sylvester grew weaker as each climax sucked his life's energy from him. Fear erupted in Sylvester. He now knew what the woman was—the word formed in his mind.

Succubus.


The priest knew he was lost.

Even so, he stayed, unwilling to leave her. Like a mouse enthralled by the gaze of a snake, he embraced his own destruction—a willing, eager prey sacrificing itself to the predator."

I absolutely adore Erotic Horror, reading it, writing it, hopefully never living it. One of the most sexual main stream book of the 19th Century is Dracula, a writer could learn a lot of about seductive writing by reading it.

 

[UnpublishedEroticaWriter]

I'll give it a look. Meantime you might be better off starting a thread in the feedback forum.

I do have a quick question, why is your erotica horror story in erotic couplings? Why not erotic horror?

Okay, read through it. If the goal was to be scarier than Scooby Doo, well...there was nothing scary, creepy, dark, or even suspensful or atmospheric about it. On that note, Erotic Couplings might be better.

Story itself, the writing is fine, story flowed and was an easy quick read. Thanks to your note here I didn't get too tripped up with what were thoughts vs dialogue. In general I see no issues with it in a technical sense, and there were some good descriptions in there.

Now...and I will preface this with two things. Most important this is all subjective so my opinion is just that, not looking to discourage you. Second is I'm a horror snob, so I may be judging a little harsher.

To repeat, this is not remotely 'horror' except you're using a succubus summoned by a spell.

The story reminds me of why I gave up reading succubus stories on this site. The only one that hits it right is Purely Sinful-check it out, its one of the top Erotic horror hall of fame stories-very long read, but worth it.

The Succubus's behavior was that of a teenage. The questions, and...she doesn't know what sex is? She's never been pleased? She let's this guy trick her on the time limit? Is this her first day on the job.

You're portraying a demon, one that's sexual in nature, a predator and pure seductress. And one with a mission, one she was goddamn lousy at.

The ending was telegraphed, not the exact reveal, but within a few sentences we get that his name didn't sit right with her, telling the reader he's different you could have held that back and let his actions show that. Also at the odd name she thinks about how that's a way of cheating yet she doesn't question or demand the real name...

The sex wasn't all that hot because of the constant questioning of it, and again...she doesn't know what an orgasm is? I think you had too many speedbumps and dialogue narration to keep the scene erotic, "but wait, but what, but..." no flow there.

What he turned out to be? Um, no. But this is where the snob in me comes out, going by fiction has to fiction this is your story your way, and those are the only rules that matter, but for any type of occult realism...nope. That and again if you want to hit a chord with the horror crowd? Then the ending would have been in her favor, horror does not end well for fools summoning demons.

You're a good writer and story teller, but if horror was the goal its not your category.

Deep down I really didn't feel like it was erotica horror. So I put it under erotica coupling. I'm not even a fan of scary movies. I'm just exploring different genres. To see what I'm good at. I didn't realize italics didn't show up until now. So my other stories might be confusing to some. Some of the descriptions were by a couple of different editor's suggestions. I would think being sent to Hell for all eternity would be scary. She knows what sex is. She was just stuck with very inexperienced and selfish partners. If they were really disappointing her she could make them cum immediately and sent them on a one-way trip. But she would give them a chance sometimes. He doesn't trick her on the time limit. She is actually enjoying herself and wants it to last to the last moment. She tries to make him cum but fails. And that is something that has never happened before. I wasn't sure if her suspicion of his name was too telling. I cut it. Then put it back in later. She is overconfident but not stupid. So she'd notice it. And I didn't want to insult the reader by bringing it out of nowhere. The contract itself would have revealed his real name or if he somehow had no name his occupation instantly. So there was nothing to question. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who haven't had an orgasm during sex. Thinking, "Thanks for nothing, quickdraw." None of the female editors that worked on it brought up any speed bumps in the dialogue. A horror story doesn't mean evil wins in the end. Some of the best ones the hero wins. It doesn't make it any less terrifying. All my stories have a surprise twist at the ending. Knowing how a story will end is just boring.

 

[UnpublishedEroticaWriter]

Well, I must agree with Lovecraft in that I saw not much horror in your tale. Not a bad yarn; I liked it more than many others - simple concept, good grammar and spelling (yeah, I know), it flowed well and was fun to read. It had a nice twist, which I personally like. The sex was pretty good, I thought. But, no, it wasn’t to my mind a horror tale. I do look forward to seeing your next works.

P.S. Ignore your brother. Go with your talent.

The grammar and spelling were thanks to my editors. Although, I did add some last-minute descriptions by another editor and didn't get it checked before submitting it. Flowed well? So no speedbumps? Yeah, I didn't think it was very scary myself. I was more interested in keeping it erotic. I have a few other stories linked to my signature. All of them with surprise twist endings. So be sure to 'like' any that you enjoy reading. HINT. HINT.

Seems like it would be okay for Erotic Horror as a twist on the usual succubus tale. Or maybe non-human as it's quite light-hearted.

Most people have the wrong idea about Erotic Horror here anyway. The Erotic half of Erotic Horror takes precedence as Lit is an erotica site. It's more important to be sexy than gory or scary, and if a story is too nasty, it will get rejected anyway (may have fallen foul of this a few times... )

For a succubus summoning story you're working with implied threat. Someone is going to get mind-blowing sex from the succubus, and then there will be hell to pay later, so the tension comes from knowing the good sexy stuff is going to slide into bad stuff later, but not exactly knowing when or how bad. This reverses the roles, so the tension starts from wondering what she's going to do, to wondering what the mysterious summoner is going to do to her.

The succubus is a little goofy, but it's a role reversal, so it's fine. That archetype is fairly common in Japanese manga.

I'd maybe push the succubus as a little more confident to start with, so it would seem like a typical succubus story, then reveal more of how naive she is - maybe she hasn't taken many souls and they've all been submissive nerd types that lie back and let themselves be ridden, so meeting someone more dominant would catch her off guard and reveal she's not the typical all-powerful semen/soul harvester. Because the story is from her PoV, it's a very strong indication that something is up, so write with the expectation the reader is expecting that twist and focus on the second half being more about building the tension on who/what the man is and what's going to happen to her.

Hope that helps!

Well, I did add Non-human and comedy under categories. Of course, I also put erotic horror too. So I should delete that part if I could. I like making my stories lighthearted and goofy. Sex should be fun. I read one story here that was all horror and no erotic. I have no idea why it was listed under erotica horror. At least I tried to make my story a little scary. I edit out a sentence that said, 'She pouted like a child.' Because I thought that might get it rejected. Well, they are hoping to get mind-blowing sex from a succubus. But the contract doesn't guarantee that. I find role reversal fun. Especially when it's the woman (or women) that are the aggressor(s). I like to keep my readers guessing and drawn into the story. There was this one Japanese anime where this guy summons a succubus and just has her do housework. And she completely and accidentally destroys his house in the process. I made some comment about "Harry Potter has a huge wand." I was trying to imply that she has never met anyone like him before because of his confidence. I sometimes write from POV to hide what is really going on. Thanks for the advice.

My personal favorite story I have written is "In the Arms of the Succubus" and has a historic reference in it that most will never catch. I used a confession of one of the more obscure Popes to base my story on.

Here is one of the passages from the story.

"Father Sylvester grew weaker as each climax sucked his life's energy from him. Fear erupted in Sylvester. He now knew what the woman was—the word formed in his mind.

Succubus.


The priest knew he was lost.

Even so, he stayed, unwilling to leave her. Like a mouse enthralled by the gaze of a snake, he embraced his own destruction—a willing, eager prey sacrificing itself to the predator."

I absolutely adore Erotic Horror, reading it, writing it, hopefully never living it. One of the most sexual main stream book of the 19th Century is Dracula, a writer could learn a lot of about seductive writing by reading it.

A priest having sex with someone he isn't supposed to? That's unheard of. I saw the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula. Where he turned into a wolf and has sex with a woman. So now we know where the idea of furries comes from. j/k.

 

[MillieDynamite]

As far as movies go, "Bram Stoker's Dracula" wasn't bad. Still doesn't hold a candle to the book "Dracula" by Bram Stoker.