How?

[LitGuru38]

I have a question...

So let's say you are a Sub or a Dom or even a Switch looking for the "one"... Your first instinct is to find someone you can trust because in the Bdsm lifestyle that's first and foremost what we all want. How do you find that online in a world where we are all deemed to feature ourself as the hottest sexiest most erotic bad assed mortals ever created? How do you actually build an online relationship within the boundaries of that world without trust because who here is really honestly telling the truth about who they are where they come from what their marital status is or anything else that might actually be relevant.

 

[Blase]

I have a question...

So let's say you are a Sub or a Dom or even a Switch looking for the "one"... Your first instinct is to find someone you can trust because in the Bdsm lifestyle that's first and foremost what we all want. How do you find that online in a world where we are all deemed to feature ourself as the hottest sexiest most erotic bad assed mortals ever created? How do you actually build an online relationship within the boundaries of that world without trust because who here is really honestly telling the truth about who they are where they come from what their marital status is or anything else that might actually be relevant.

It's called "progressive disclosure" and it works pretty much the same online as it does in real life.

I don't lie about things here on the open forums, and of course I'm trying to put my best foot forward, as they say. But there's a lot that I just don't talk about much, if at all, in public.

In private is a different matter: There are, or have been, people on Lit who have learned plenty about me.

Take your time with people. Ask questions. Give honest answers. Don't go too far in certain directions without some proof that your trust is being respected and reciprocated.

Yes, there are risks here, as in real life. Fortunately or unfortunately, you're dealing with human beings in either case.

 

[MeekMe]

I have a question...

So let's say you are a Sub or a Dom or even a Switch looking for the "one"... Your first instinct is to find someone you can trust because in the Bdsm lifestyle that's first and foremost what we all want. How do you find that online in a world where we are all deemed to feature ourself as the hottest sexiest most erotic bad assed mortals ever created? How do you actually build an online relationship within the boundaries of that world without trust because who here is really honestly telling the truth about who they are where they come from what their marital status is or anything else that might actually be relevant.

This is called dating. When looking for a partner in any kind of relationship, you meet a stranger and then work towards building a relationship. That typically involves “getting to know you” conversations that leads to sharing more intimacy and building trust.

Trust isn’t instant. It is a two way street, they’re trying to find out if they can trust you, too. Join spaces with your interests and meet people as you normally would.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I have a question...

So let's say you are a Sub or a Dom or even a Switch looking for the "one"... Your first instinct is to find someone you can trust because in the Bdsm lifestyle that's first and foremost what we all want. How do you find that online in a world where we are all deemed to feature ourself as the hottest sexiest most erotic bad assed mortals ever created? How do you actually build an online relationship within the boundaries of that world without trust because who here is really honestly telling the truth about who they are where they come from what their marital status is or anything else that might actually be relevant.

When you mention the ”one”, I think of someone you’d want to meet and then I’d recommend meeting as soon as possible, publicly to get to know them. Somehow I don’t think that is what you want though?

Getting to know people online might get difficult when you start out with views like the bolded.
It is much the same here as in real life, don’t just listen to what is said/written but look at how they interact with others on the boards and what values they seem to base their posts on. It tells you more than you’d think sometimes.

 

[Lady2020]

I have a question...

So let's say you are a Sub or a Dom or even a Switch looking for the "one"... Your first instinct is to find someone you can trust because in the Bdsm lifestyle that's first and foremost what we all want. How do you find that online in a world where we are all deemed to feature ourself as the hottest sexiest most erotic bad assed mortals ever created? How do you actually build an online relationship within the boundaries of that world without trust because who here is really honestly telling the truth about who they are where they come from what their marital status is or anything else that might actually be relevant.

There is no "one." All relationships take time to develop trust. It is extremely helpful on line if people post consistently enough in forums and carefully consider their profile name. If you have nothing in your Lit profile, which is more common now, comment consistently on forums so the individuals you pm can at least get a sense of who you are and what you're looking for.

 

[Slickrick123]

I try to be as honest as I can. With that I expect the same from the person I am talking to. I am not here to pretend to be someone I'm not or live a life I dont for their own gratification. I even had someone request I send them pics of porn starts saying it was me. Sry, no thank you, if that's what you want you should just watch porn.

If both people are honest about themselves the trust will follow.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

It's called "progressive disclosure" and it works pretty much the same online as it does in real life.

I don't lie about things here on the open forums, and of course I'm trying to put my best foot forward, as they say. But there's a lot that I just don't talk about much, if at all, in public.

In private is a different matter: There are, or have been, people on Lit who have learned plenty about me.

Take your time with people. Ask questions. Give honest answers. Don't go too far in certain directions without some proof that your trust is being respected and reciprocated.

Yes, there are risks here, as in real life. Fortunately or unfortunately, you're dealing with human beings in either case.

Blase,
You described my relationship with my Master perfectly.
Trust came one chat at a time. I didn't even realize he was a Dom at first. I thought he just dipped his toes in BDSM.
As I learned more about him, and he learned more about me, the fun escalated.
I think what sets him apart is he often reminds me we do this for fun. If it becomes anything else we walk away.
We know each other's full names, location, spouse and kids names, etc.
Trust is not just for sex. We trust each other's secrets and respect each other's real lives.

I trust him 100% with my safety and my life. And also my emotions.
Anything less would not be acceptable.

 

[bkmf]

Blase,
You described my relationship with my Master perfectly.
Trust came one chat at a time. I didn't even realize he was a Dom at first. I thought he just dipped his toes in BDSM.
As I learned more about him, and he learned more about me, the fun escalated.
I think what sets him apart is he often reminds me we do this for fun. If it becomes anything else we walk away.
We know each other's full names, location, spouse and kids names, etc.
Trust is not just for sex. We trust each other's secrets and respect each other's real lives.

I trust him 100% with my safety and my life. And also my emotions.
Anything less would not be acceptable.

So hot.

 

[Blase]

As I learned more about him, and he learned more about me, the fun escalated.
I think what sets him apart is he often reminds me we do this for fun. If it becomes anything else we walk away.
We know each other's full names, location, spouse and kids names, etc.
Trust is not just for sex. We trust each other's secrets and respect each other's real lives.

That's pretty much how I am when I'm involved with someone from online.

When my last submissive and I chatted, I used to say, "There's no force or coercion here. You're doing these things by your own choice."

I think it's fair to say that she was surprised by some of the choices she made.

 

[txblush]

I'm always myself when I come to Lit. to learn about writing a BDSM D/s novel.

I rarely if ever posted on the boards. Instead, I posted my novel, (I had it taken down) but I received the nicest compliment from a reader who thought I was submissive.

For me it's about being honest with yourself first and knowing what you want because it is a relationship that's built over time, paying attention to what's written and trusting your gut. Which by the way is a person's 2nd brain.

The how is easy - be yourself. Taking the steps towards getting to know someone you may, or may not meet in person, is what's hard.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I have a question...

So let's say you are a Sub or a Dom or even a Switch looking for the "one"... Your first instinct is to find someone you can trust because in the Bdsm lifestyle that's first and foremost what we all want. How do you find that online in a world where we are all deemed to feature ourself as the hottest sexiest most erotic bad assed mortals ever created? How do you actually build an online relationship within the boundaries of that world without trust because who here is really honestly telling the truth about who they are where they come from what their marital status is or anything else that might actually be relevant.

I don’t know if you can. A lot of people come here for fantasy (after some Of the things I’ve read I sure hope it’s fantasy). I don’t know if most people can be honest enough to get to where I’d say I trust them.

 

[txblush]

I discovered the same thing Goldenfinger.

But, there was one guy I met on Lit who read my novel, we exchanged emails, and together we wrote a fictional scene that was a helluva a lot of fun. We barely knew each other but were totally in sync when it came to what we enjoyed writing.

The scary part was we were both married, lived within 50 miles of each other. (I'm still married) He divorced his wife, because he finally came to realize he wanted more than she was willing to give, and I only wanted to be his friend. It's been 14 years since those email exchanges and I still recall the fun we had.

 

[77fbird400]

I have a question...

So let's say you are a Sub or a Dom or even a Switch looking for the "one"... Your first instinct is to find someone you can trust because in the Bdsm lifestyle that's first and foremost what we all want. How do you find that online in a world where we are all deemed to feature ourself as the hottest sexiest most erotic bad assed mortals ever created? How do you actually build an online relationship within the boundaries of that world without trust because who here is really honestly telling the truth about who they are where they come from what their marital status is or anything else that might actually be relevant.

I don't understand why anyone would want to meet people online in this capacity for that exact reason. Why not meet real people through common interests, mutual friends, hobbies, sports, activities, travel, music? Join a community, club, volunteer for a food bank / soup kitchen / invasive species removal.

I think you need to get off the computer, go meet some real people. Play sports, do things. The more things you do, more chances of meeting real people.

 

[KimGordon67]

I have a question...

So let's say you are a Sub or a Dom or even a Switch looking for the "one"... Your first instinct is to find someone you can trust because in the Bdsm lifestyle that's first and foremost what we all want. How do you find that online in a world where we are all deemed to feature ourself as the hottest sexiest most erotic bad assed mortals ever created? How do you actually build an online relationship within the boundaries of that world without trust because who here is really honestly telling the truth about who they are where they come from what their marital status is or anything else that might actually be relevant.

I had a year long online/phone relationship with a guy I met here who lived in a different country. I wouldn't recognise him if I passed him in the street ... unless I heard his voice. We knew all those things about each other and a lot more. As others have said here, we got to know each other, and developed trust during that process. He's the first person I ever trusted to let me be submissive, and I'm honestly indebted to him forever for that. I learnt so much about myself during that relationship. And we talked about EVERYthing - all the things you'd talk about with someone in the 'real world'. It was easily one of the best relationships I've had.
Maybe a lot of people aren't telling the truth about who they are, but it's pretty easy to spot (although admittedly I have been catfished once ... which turned out to be quite a sad story). I just trust that people are being honest until I have reason to think that they aren't - if they aren't being honest, that reason usually materialises pretty quickly.

 

[77fbird400]

Because we're not interested in meeting people, we're interested in finding a partner, that's a huge difference. It's true that in practice you have a higher chance to find a partner if you are a social person, however, not everyone is a social person. So, the asocial people just have to accept having a harder time with dating if they're men.

Alright, I'll confess. I'm not who I say I am. I've been living a lie. I don't have a '77 Firebird Forumla 400. I was watching Smokey and the Bandit when I signed up for this forum.

 

[KimGordon67]

Because we're not interested in meeting people, we're interested in finding a partner, that's a huge difference. It's true that in practice you have a higher chance to find a partner if you are a social person, however, not everyone is a social person. So, the asocial people just have to accept having a harder time with dating if they're men.

Also, there are real people on here. People present unreal versions of themselves in 'reality' as well. This idea that nothing and no one on the internet is 'real' is so outdated. Lots of people on here have or have had very strong relationships with each other. The guy I 'met' was literally thousands of miles away - in the so-called real world, we would have never encountered each other. I'm so glad that wasn't what happened. Imagine what I would have missed out on if I'd assumed he was 'faking' everything and couldn't possible be 'real'.

 

[JamieJ424]

The short answer is, you can’t. You can never be sure what’s going on. The other person has a life, and the only things you know about that life are what they choose to share. There’s usually no way to verify anything they’ve said. I have had online friends fake their own illnesses and deaths, I’ve had children of people who claim to be single answer the phone, I’ve had understandably nasty email exchanges with spouses whom I was not made aware of.

I’m not saying don’t engage in online relationships if that’s your thing. I am saying keep a level head and be very, very careful about what you reveal of yourself.