Experience in Femdom and perplexing sub

[crafty2]

I thought I'd write as I have had a perplexing experience recently.
I met someone who told me they loved being a sub, they would send me photos of them tied up, nude, doing various tasks whatever I said etc.
They gave me massages, we did facesitting, smothering, some chores.

Then we also did things like hiking in the woods and if we saw a dog sign I would tell him to get down and act like a dog. I even got him a chewy toy and used to throw it for him to chase around. He loved it.
I thought things were going fine as we connected in and out of the kinky experience. Then suddenly last week he came over to tell me that he just couldn't go on. He had lost all interest in me, in pleasing me, in massage, etc. He also told me he had no libido. We had taken a break from doing anything sexual (for a little while) since he had a cold.
It just felt like a complete 180 degree turn for me. I met him several times to discuss but he now says he has no feelings at all for me, where in the beginning he couldn't get enough, loved wearing his chastity cage, etc.
I tried to come to some compromise but in the end I think it is just really sad and it feels hard to know that someone would do this...
I wonder if at some level he is trying to punish me since he doesn't feel any pleasure or desire I shouldn't either.. but I'm also trying to put it behind me.

I just wanted to see if any other dommes had experiences like this and vent a bit.

 

[twister947]

Sometimes people try to be / pretend to be something they're not. That's not sustainable.

 

[PaxNurgle]

It sounds like he may have experienced what is known as "Sub Drop." There may be a number of reasons, not all of which are your fault. I think a lot of "newbies" are initially turned on by the erotic thrill of BDSM activities and the idea of fulfilling those fantasies. And actually fulfilling them gives them the exact thrill they had dreamed about. Or, it doesn't. Sometimes reality doesn't live up to the fantasy.

Often times, for newbs, the problem may be simply rushing into it too fast and too soon. It's different for a full time relationship- 24/7 D/S- than it is for a few hours a week or a couple hours a day, and like any other relationship, it's a two way street with a lot of give and take- even in a power-exchange dynamic. It may be that (through no fault of your own) he got scared off by the thought of surrendering his entire life- personality, hobbies, friends, leisure time, etc. to you in such a quick time frame. (Without going into detail I can speak from my own experience here) It does sound like you guys shared a lot of non-kink activities and common interests though. Or maybe something is going in psychologically in his own personal life, something came up with job, family, or even his own health- physical as well as mental. These are dark, stressful times for a lot of people. It might honestly have had nothing to do with your approach as much as, for whatever reason, you didn't click.

I am sorry to hear this happened. I wish all malesub.female domme relationships would be beautiful and perfect but they never are, it takes effort to make things work and I think better communication- in this case, from his end, might have helped.

 

[SissySalina]

Sorry to hear about your relationship. As one on the other end (sub) as in many relationships communication is important and to this end a quiet time is vastly important. Just spending time together leading to quiet talk helps enforce the relationship for the full time relationship you must be there, it is not just about one person but the relationship of both.
As said you must give to get, both parties are looking for something and as the Dom you need to be the one to find the middle ground, the thing that makes it work for both.

Just a sissy's opinion.

 

[supercollider00]

I agree with Pax. Otherwise, lulls in libido and such are natural, but such a harsh 180 degrees really sounds more like the sub biting off more than he can chew. Sorry that you had that happen to you.

 

[PaxNurgle]

I think sometimes the expectations of the relationship for both parties need to be addressed early on, to make sure both sub and dominant are seeking the same thing.

For many dominants, they want a 24/7 full time power exchange, right off the bat. For many subs, especially newbies, that will seem like "biting off more than they can chew." so to speak. Particularly if the dominant pushes that right from the beginning and it isn't necessarily what the sub was expecting; I think over time the relationship can eventually evolve into that, but if it is too sudden, then a sub may feel simply overwhelmed by the reality of what they are giving up right at the outset.

Again, speaking from my own experience as a sub here; I dated a dominant woman briefly for a few weeks who was in many ways perfect for me except for a few: but she had some personality traits that were problematic- really insecure, narcisistic, etc- but that's okay; because nobody is perfect and I really adored her. The relationship failed, though because she wanted to jump into a 24/7 total power exchange RIGHT AWAY whereas, I wanted to take things slower and eventually grow into that. So, I got scared off, in other words. And nobody was sadder or more disappointed about it than me, believe me.

 

[crafty2]

Thanks everyone for your insights and reflections. Interesting to know about the phenomena of "sub drop." I tried to come to a compromise but he didn't want to meet half way. He was just "this isn't working for me" and "this won't work." I really tried a few times to discuss it, even made a few jokes. I think in any relationship there has to be some give and take. I didn't ask him to give up anything but maybe he felt this way.
We had a good connection otherwise doing non kinky things but now I just feel a bit angry at him for fronting.
Anyways, I'm hoping to meet a new sub soon! Trying to put it behind me.

 

[Ashesh9]

My 2 cents

Thanks everyone for your insights and reflections. Interesting to know about the phenomena of "sub drop." I tried to come to a compromise but he didn't want to meet half way. He was just "this isn't working for me" and "this won't work." I really tried a few times to discuss it, even made a few jokes. I think in any relationship there has to be some give and take. I didn't ask him to give up anything but maybe he felt this way.
We had a good connection otherwise doing non kinky things but now I just feel a bit angry at him for fronting.
Anyways, I'm hoping to meet a new sub soon! Trying to put it behind me.

This whole episode mirrors a vanilla divorce situation. Just like spouses outgrow each other and move onto new relationships, even subs or Doms do so too....guess lifelong fidelity is a rarity in today's fast paced " instant gratificashun'" world's era.....

 

[NoJo]

vent a bit.

vent you should, darling. Submissive, schmubmissive: The guy was a bit of an asshole.

I always say, if you're 100% sub you're basically 100% selfish.

 

[crafty2]

asshat

vent you should, darling. Submissive, schmubmissive: The guy was a bit of an asshole.

I always say, if you're 100% sub you're basically 100% selfish.

Yes he is an asshole! Feels good just to write that out

 

[Justplatonic]

I'd echo all of the above, but moreover philosophically. To help draw a line beneath it for yourself; it simply wasn't meant to be. You can spend all day analyzing it (I know only too well as I'm quite OCD).

There is always a silver lining though. At least your weren't married, with kids and a mortgage together, then he left you.

Like other posters in this thread, I'm somewhat sub, and I've had my fair share of dominant girlfriends, and, oh boy, while the physical side of things was spectacular (I was in subspace plenty of times), the everyday stuff outside of the physical was, lets say, tempestuous. I'd tolerate the turbulent times to an extent, but the dominant girlfriends always ended it with me. I was thoroughly confused by it all.

Sometimes there is no rhythm or rhyme with how people think or reason.

You sound like a wonderful Domme, crafty2. I have no doubt there is a sub out there that'll happily kiss the ground you walk on with a smile on his face. Good luck.