Longtime reader, first time writer

[kittyboboo]

I've been reading stories for ... I don't even know how long. But I finally got an idea that I just had to write. This is my first time doing anything like this, but I enjoyed it a lot. I would love feedback. I really enjoy stories where someone gets in over their head, and I wanted characters to have agency and feel real. So if there are moments that don't feel consistent or immersive for the characters, please share.

Story: Her New Friend's Porn Site

https://www.literotica.com/s/her-new-friends-porn-site

Thank you!

 

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

I've been reading stories for ... I don't even know how long. But I finally got an idea that I just had to write. This is my first time doing anything like this, but I enjoyed it a lot. I would love feedback. I really enjoy stories where someone gets in over their head, and I wanted characters to have agency and feel real. So if there are moments that don't feel consistent or immersive for the characters, please share.

Story: Her New Friend's Porn Site

https://www.literotica.com/s/her-new-friends-porn-site

Thank you!

Welcome to the content-creation side. I’ve only had time to read two pages, but that’s enough for me to observe a few things that you may want to consider in your future work. (I’m afraid real life will prevent me from reading any more, today at least.)

First, in any given passage, try to stay with the viewpoint of one character, preferably one you think is important for the reader to follow. “Her husband Trevor felt the crisp night air” is awkward wording right at the start, because ‘her’ doesn’t connect with anything yet. Also, Trevor is feeling something, which is part of Trevor’s viewpoint, not Anna’s. Starting with something like “Anna opened the door and saw her husband Trevor,” and her seeing him respond in some way to the night air, sets up Anna as the viewpoint character, at least initially. In a larger sense, you need to decide whether this scene is experienced mainly by Trevor, who clearly doesn’t know in detail what happened; or by Anna, who does; or by each in turn. Both characters’ viewpoints are important in the story, with Anna stepping out, and Trevor letting that happen but at some level worrying. When you switch viewpoints, though, you should make it clear each time that another character is thinking or experiencing something.

Second, I’m a geezer who predates word processing, and I always warn new writers that tools like spellcheck and autocorrect are no substitute for proofreading with your own eyes, word by word. Many authors choose to employ volunteer editors, and you stated an interest in that. Maybe an editor will help you through the revision process. No, I’m not a volunteer editor.

This is only an observation, not advice. In the two pages I read, you’ve chosen not to describe any of your characters visually (height, body type, hair color, etc.). There’s a school of thought among Lit writers that characters don’t need description, because if the reader has bought into a story s/he will provide physical details that attract her/him. If this is what you intended, you may find that your readers will respond well to that. Full disclosure: Most of the time, I choose to describe characters.

Beyond that, much of the writing was smooth, but some passages were redundant, like the number of times Trevor tells Anna that what she does will be okay with him. It is important for Anna to keep asking and Trevor to keep reassuring, because this is something they’ve never gone through before and neither wants to hurt the other or threaten their relationship. But changing up the wording, or tagging each new exchange to some new aspect they hadn’t considered before, might make the redundancy less obvious.

Here’s my story list, from which you can decide whether my advice is worth anything:

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5116173&page=submissions

 

[kittyboboo]

Thanks. This is helpful. When I started writing, I thought Trevor would be more central...

 

[8letters]

Your story has done very well and I'm not a Group Sex reader, so take this with a grain of salt. I feel the beginning - a teaser scene followed by many paragraphs of data dumping - would have been better if you had started with the scene where Anna notices Helen at the neighborhood yoga class, and then backfilled with information as the story progressed. I wish you would have expanded that scene beyond one paragraph as it is a really important scene and a great introduction to Helen.

 

[kittyboboo]

Thanks. That's a good suggestion.