New writer looking for feedback

[ernesto77]

My name is ernesto77. I have written five stories. Any feedback good or bad would be greatly appreciated.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5511767&page=submissions

 

[ernesto77]

Bueller anyone bueller?

I guess not ok.

 

[SimonDoom]

I guess not ok.

Don't get discouraged. It's common not to get responses right away. I have posted stories for comment and gotten no responses. People are busy and things fall through the cracks.

You might say a little bit more about your story to try to catch the interest of someone who likes those types of stories.

 

[yowser]

From Claire to Davina

I started on your three-part series ‘From Claire to Davina’ the other day, and haven’t finished it. Here are a couple immediate reactions, so that you at least have something to consider in the meantime. The dominance/submission theme is not one of my favorites, and that may explain some of the lack of attention you have gotten from the crew here, not a niche that appeals to everyone.

Your style is informal, conversational, which can be an asset, leading to a reader’s expectations of a good tale to hear. I do like that you keep things moving, one event leading to another, the action tangible, the story arc not static.

Yet there are several issues that keep it from being as engaging as it might otherwise be.

Everything happens way too fast. I have barely registered the characters (husband and wife) when the male stumbles into a flirtatious scene with a co-worker at a party whose words and actions strain credibility.

I feel like I barely know either the husband or the wife, what they might look like, their station in life, even the setting (even a little description would be handy) before our hero finds himself sleeping on the couch (readers will wonder if they missed an argument?) and the first person point of view suddenly shifts to wife Claire, in the third person.

It is possible to effectively shift pov in a story, but the transitions need to be clear and obvious.

I’ll go further when I finish the series, but so far the descriptions suffer from many of the common indecencies that plague a lot of the fiction here on Lit: bubble butt asses, huge 38 something or another tits, an outsized cock (stuffed into a cage), all the sorts of clichés that grow wearisome to read.

So, a lot going on. My initial impression is that you could have benefited by cutting out a great deal of the narrative, paring down adjectival excesses, and perhaps focusing on smaller but more believable sexual situations.

But the greatest weakness, to me, is just the lack of character development, the lack of evidence of the couple's mental frameworks from the beginning of the story as it progresses through darker and darker scenarios. The characters don’t necessarily need to be appealing (inevitably that helps, however) but need to be recognisable, three-dimensional. This is missing for me in the story.

I’ll read more and get back to you in a couple days.

But keep writing, best therapy ever invented….

 

[8letters]

I read "The Note". It's one page, and one page stand alone stories in the analysis I did averaged a 3.93 rating. Longer stories had on average higher ratings.

I like the stories I read to have the central conflict resolved by the sex. There's no conflict in this story. The wife decides to have anal sex with her husband. The story makes it clear her behavior that day is totally out of her character. No explanation is given for her sudden desire for anal sex. There's a lot of descriptive sex, but I didn't care about them having sex.

 

[ernesto77]

Thank u

Thank u for the feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

 

[yowser]

Davina

Right. I made my way through your three-part series. Most of my feedback corresponds to my initial reactions, so I'll summarise them briefly, then add a little more.

There is movement, you don't have too many characters, so things don't get confusing, and your use of the language is above average, at least for Literotica. Mechanics are mostly serviceable, so good for that.

As I indicated earlier, the submission/domination bit isn't up my alley, so part of my lack of excitement is due to that, which in no way reflects the appeal it may have for others. I'll try to keep my critique limited to the writing. The scores you have received certainly suggest that your tale found an appreciative audience here.

The two biggest issues as a tale are:

Everything happens way too fast. The sexual situations start with a bang and just go off like a series of firecrackers, except all are about the same volume and they don't differentiate from one another much. A little better pacing and attention to the rising pitch of arousal would go a long way.

The characters. Nobody is remotely appealing here. We don't understand either the narrator or his wife very well. Past indiscretions are mentioned, but the context for this hugely abrupt change in Claire come out of the blue, and the reader is left shaking a head at both the abruptness and the lack of context.

More than once the bounds of credulity are stretched past the breaking point:

Putting a cock cage on an already erect member? (an eight incher even? Spare me)

Unbelievable anatomy: huge chests ( and 'I had forgotten what amazing tits my wife has' - seriously?)

'drop dead gorgeous blondes. Both were well endowed, with nice round bubble butts.'

Some other head-shakers:

'A beacon for me to put my hard done by dick into her mouth.' ???

'I felt a warm mass envelop my face, it must have been her ass.' What else might it have been?

It is possible to get away with a few clunkers, but a flood is a disincentive for readers to keep going.

I think the tale could improve by two opposite actions: taking more time to set the stage for the characters, take less time with almost all the rest. Pick one or two humiliating situations (not over three months time as you describe in your narrative) The POV shifts confusingly between 1st and 3rd, I suspect third person omniscient throughout would likely work better. Good tales have a beginning, middle and end, this felt more like a lot of middle.

Sorry I am not more encouraging. It is a pile of effort to create a story, and writing is hard work no matter what. And I appreciate your courage in putting your creations out there, this is a good forum for that. I don't know how much reading of other work you have done here, but you might want to do a good pile of exploration, particularly the stories that end up at the top of the high-scoring range in categories of your interests for examples of how other writers create, paying particular attention to how a good character is presented and 'grows' within a story.

Two other suggestions: read your story out loud (even to yourself, although another listener is even better), and get feedback from more than one reader (sounds like you've used an editor, which is good, you may want to experiment with others as well.)

Good luck, I do hope you keep writing.

 

[Norman_Altair]

Right. I made my way through your three-part series. Most of my feedback corresponds to my initial reactions, so I'll summarise them briefly, then add a little more.

I haven't written and posted anything yet, but I'm reading your comments here, because I would like to see what people look for in a story here. Even though I'm not the OP, I would like to say thanks. I'm going to look through some more of the feedback threads to see what people really want in a story before I attempt to write something.